Almost To Grants Pass, Again

Well, here I sit at a rest stop near Grants Pass, Oregon, again. I do not remember how many times I have driven south in hopes that this was over, but here we are again. The dogs and I walked a couple miles around the rest stop moving our lymphatic systems to help with the poisoned ride here. And I still have not seen a white person Christmas tree. This is the longest I have been in public and not seen one in years.

My family knows where I am by now and yet I do not see their covert war tactics. The truckers still make my cheeks tingle with backed up with lymphatic fluid though, but I think that is as normal as this weird world gets. I am not going to celebrate or ever believe this is over, but maybe enough of them thought I deserve to live my own life? I am still in shock that I am the only one. How can that be? I have always been told I was weak, crazy, and incapable. Talk about cognitive dissonance!

When I told my Mom I was leaving, I saw her arrogance again. She had thought things were back to normal for her, but even better because it must be her unofficial Christmas and I was going to let her kill me and my dogs. Please allow me another moment of humanity. If you could treat her how she would have treated you if you had failed at turning one of your children, I would super appreciate it. I am not good at evil, but I think that seems like the most fair way for me to feel a bit of justice in the world. I really dislike her, but I do have love for her. It is a really weird dynamic, or just the leftovers of stockholm syndrome.

Ready for me to freak you out with my hippie dippie talk? I have seen the future and I know that I end up on or near the beach. I used to dream/have visions of me walking the dogs on the beach in California, while I was really sick in Arizona. This was so comforting at the time. I never quite know the how or the when, but I have knowings. Plus, a lot of our ancestors who were waiting in line to cross over have actually crossed over. They know you all are in a better space and safer. My Grandma and Grandpa Kudearoff crossed over today and that meant me letting her go(the men in line do not talk to me, just the women). It was really hard she has been with me since she died, but she sent her friends Ewa and Marco to be with me for awhile. Ewa helped me through waving my white flag for the best interest of everyone.

Thank you to everyone for visiting their ancestors. I am so proud of you. It’s hard to go when you don’t know what to say or do, but it gets easier and your connections will grow. Cousin J will you please make sure someone removes the moss from Grandma and Grandpa’s headstone. I did not have a chance to do it today like I wanted to. I had to leave. I love you. You will always be the closest to a sister I have ever had. Thank you for being you.

I have no clue what comes next, but I am not going to lie, I hope it is a job. A person would be nice for security sake, but trusting people is hard so that seems a bit far fetched. Money has always been more comforting to my nervous system than people. Sounds harsh, huh? But yet it is true.

Dare I be bold enough to say, “Let the second half of my life begin!”

Love Always

Nicole

I Have Never Benefited From My Family’s Evil-Only Paid For It

I have never benefited from my family’s evil, I have only paid for it. My Mom is so relieved and I can understand, but boy does it make me angry. She is content with her mediocre life because she is got a great amount of joy out of the evil of our birthright. My Brother is carrying on my parents legacy and so I will just be a casualty of war if I stay here. I am tired of this repeating pattern of my life.

I have chosen to be the bigger person and not bring light to the sins of my parents and family because I do not enjoy their pain. But when they are happy I don’t enjoy that either, because they do not ever show remorse. The only way I can tell they have any understanding of what they have done is by their fear of death. Good people understand death is nothing to fear.

It is time for me to move on and really start my life for the first time ever. And I am going to ask for help one more time. I have permission to live in Northern California and I would like to live near the beach if possible. My family will get to anyone that I work for, so it is better if my employer know ahead of time what they are getting into. This adventure towards truth cost me my savings and all belongings, besides my dogs. However, I love to work and channel my anger to get me to places I was told I would never be able to go.

I can write blog posts, sell almost anything, and I have an Arizona real estate license. Plus, I am great at attracting attention no matter where I go. Once again my lack of sense of self really gets in the way of my seeing what I am good at, but I have a great desire to learn and achieve excellence. I just need someone who sees my worth to give me a chance. I am pretty sure as long as I stay in my lane and let my family carry on with their lives, they will allow me to enjoy the second part of my life undisturbed by their chaos. And if they don’t then I will know I tried and come back here and wait to die. That sounds so emo, but that is what they want me to do so they do not have to face or pay for their sins. I am tired of being sacrificed and writing countless emails to get a chance to be treated fairly.

So I am asking for your help one last time. I need a job so I have an opportunity to channel my anger into something positive. I need to create a huge positive ripple effect to make up for the evil my family. I have paid the most for what they have done and so I realize what a huge task this is. I am not asking to be given anything other than a chance. My Mom always talks about how we are not all born on an even playing field, but I wonder if she realizes how greatly I have paid for her being my Mom?

I completely understand if you all cannot safely offer me an opportunity. But there is a chance that maybe the wizard behind the curtain can reach out to someone and help me find a positive distraction for the dopamine machine I call a brain.

I just want to work and walk my dogs on the beach and enjoy the time I have left with them. They saved me in the desert. I would not have made it this far without them. I need to honor them as the angels they truly are.

Thank you all for your time and consideration.

Nicole Graves

Nicolegraves220@yahoo.com

(520)866-1354

P.S. I am still going to create a retreat for my people if it within possibility.

You Get To Choose Which Of Your Birthrights You Cultivate

“You get to choose which of your birthrights you cultivate.” I channeled this in my last blog post and it has haunted me all day. I get access to some pretty amazing advice, but it does me absolutely no good unless I actually use it. This mess and me perpetuating more pain is not what I want to be remembered for.

My need for answers is costing everyone more stress, pain, and disease. If I continue, I am no better than the people who started all of this. I can forgive my behavior when I did not know the rules, but now that I kinda know the rules I cannot keep doing this. My people are the ones who are paying for my actions. We are at the mercy of you people and when I stress you people out my people pay for it. I can only imagine what the guys at the group home I worked at in Sierra Vista, Arizona have had to deal with since I started this escape and asking questions.

I just wanted to find some answers to my pain, not to cause more pain. This may not look like winning, but it is. I survived cancer, wandering the desert for years, escaping a death camp, and get to start over. In the past couple years, when they tried to destroy me the most, I have flourished on so many levels. I can teach you all how to do what I have done: how to heal. We can still be revolutionary just in a very different way. A way no one can stop us from doing. Self care is self love in action. When you love yourself you can love others. This is part of where my great ability for love comes from: self love.

Once again, I am unsure as to the how part, but we build as we fly. This is not me giving up, but merely a reroute in direction. I still want to meet you all in person, but let’s talk about love and health. Rather than war and pain, because we need to focus on the things we can control. I apologize for all the pain I have caused and I promise to make up for it. Also, I realize now you all look me as priviledged because I have had a choice as to whether or not to join the dark side. Now I understand just how rare this is. And I want to share what I have learned by rejecting the dark side with you all, so you can heal too.

Life is beautiful and I want you to be able to see what I see.

Love Always

Nicole

P.S. Remember hope everyday at 4pm and go visit your ancestors. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to set the record straight about me and my people. I appreciate it beyond words.

WWIII Is A Covert War

Every time I get closer to what I think is the end, everything just keeps getting expontentially bigger. (My Brother did start the smoke bombs back up when I got home, so he is doing his job.) This is WWIII(maybe WWII never stopped?) and they are making it a covert war/slavery. It is another race war, just like WWII. The white people who are past the point of no return are the ones who give you all away with their energy. They light up like a Christmas tree when they see me and especially when they interact with me. The witness from the cemetery today was beyond overt. People like him just cannot stop themselves from giving you all away. They have unresolved generational trauma. Energy does not lie.

The fact that this war is taking place right in front us is what you are trying to hide from the children and people like me. No wonder you people have so much fear in your energy. Your DNA is reminding you that this just gets worse because we all remember the trauma of WWII in our genes. You all know this will continue to get worse and I think I may be your last/only hope.

My Dad allowing me to have the Holocaust as a special interest in middle school was really just a covert message that I entirely missed. Don’t worry Dad, I saw your messages today. You seem to forget I saw the worst of the worst in childhood and the death camp. You have shown me what you are capable of my whole life. However, you were scared to let me know you are the wizard behind the curtain. Explain your fear to the people logically. If you really thought you were as fancy as you pretend, then you would have been brave enough to be overt and just tell me how it is. What do you really fear?

You know I am greater than and you fear I will ruin it all for you? Logically there is no other explaination. You were willing to risk it all for the chance of me breeding. I must have pretty fancy genes, huh?

I am something that made you risk everything over!

Love Always

Nicole

P.S. Everyone needs to stop eating carbs and vegetables! I went on a carnivore diet and took binders, this is why I have been able to survive this all and cancer while being poisoned. Especially, stay away from the nightshades(potatoes, tomatoes, eggplant, tobacco, etc). I still have an occasional romance with potatoes, but if I don’t watch it this will literally be the one vice that gets the best of me. Also, everyday drink caffeine, it dialates your blood vessels and helps one to deal with the toxic overload that I now understand we all are dealing with.

Thank you for sending my dogs healing energy. It is working and they glow so very big! I do not want anyone to go to prison, I understand there is no healing found there. And I do apologize for being so harsh and hard on you all. I understand you are just trying to survive and this isn’t as much about power, control, and domination for most the people, but rather about pure survival. You all have a place in my heart, even if you have had to hurt me. I am a very forgiving person.

At 4pm today, help me find ways to create a hole in the financial matrix we live in. The subliminal messages they sent me today let me know it is possible and they are scared! We can do this, I think I am mostly just a conduit of collective energy meant to save us all. You people give me hope. Thank you for fighting until I was able to wake up and figure this mess out. Remember love will always be the only real solution. Hug the ones you love today extra tight!

Am I The Only One?

I can think of other people who have moved away, but they did not escape. Has anyone from our “district” really escaped? With my family’s military could any of us really ever get away from the destruction? I know I was unable to.

When I moved to Arizona, I just wanted to be a normal person, dive deep into my special interests, and keep to myself. Do you know what it is like to have people always have an interest in you, but be unable to figure out what they see that you did not? Especially, military and ethnic people look at me with great wonder. Not going to lie, I still don’t understand all this mess or what I represent(my lacking sense of self issue), but I can feel that it is something impactual.

Thurston has changed over night. The energy dynamics have changed incredibly. Some people look like I took their favorite toy away. Plus, the air quality is already a bit better. I hope this is a change you all can see and feel in all the places where my people are. We may not be finished with this change of dynamics, but I do feel like the hardest part is over. We can celebrate the little wins as long as we know we need to keep going.

Now, we rebuild and heal. This is the part that really matters because if we skip this part the rest was a complete waste. This is the part where we regain everything that was taken from us and reclaim our destinies. Health is apart of your birthright.

As I sit here at my Mom’s kitchen table drinking my coffee, I can feel my lymphatic system backing up/pooling and my lips are tingling. So I do not think this is over. I am tired of celebrating when others are still committed to the evil we all have inherited. You get to choose which of your birthrights you cultivate. By the way my Mom looked in fear when I tried to open the window, she is not choosing correctly and neither is my Brother. I may have found a brand of freedom for you people, but my freedom comes at a much larger price for my family.

It is what it is, but we do not submit! We keep warring. They do not think I will be able to achieve the success needed in order to completely displace them from their power. They fear the power I have found within myself that they have tried to confiscate from me my whole life. No worries, I do my best when underestimated. I will always war for my people because no one else ever has.

Xoxo

Nicole

Dear Mom, I Own You

Dear Mom

You have been trying to prove to the people that you own me for a lifetime, but today they saw for the very first time that I own you. You have known this since I was four. Your worst nightmare is coming true slowly, but surely. When I leave your house, the torment you have wished upon me from your people will be your reality instead of mine. How does that shoe feel on the other foot? Bit uncomfortable, huh?

I cannot stay with you forever, but I can stay for a bit to figure out my next move. During this time we should call a truce of sorts, because you need the time to plan just as I do. You intertwined your evil with mine before my birth and you have raced to do it more every time I have invited you too. Your arrogance will be the end of you or I think it already has been. Even when you know I am greater than, you still refuse to be logical and see that you should be humble. I am tired of being humble for you. This was your last chance to love me and you failed miserably and then thought you won. Well, I love you, but bitch you did not win.

No more smoke bombs in the house, even though I refuse to sleep in the house, those things are awful for your health and Bud’s. I do not wish to watch either of you die of lung cancer. I do not enjoy your pain. If I got to choose your punishment it would be healing and watching the world recover from what you have done. You will not ever be able to make up for the evil you have caused. However, you can learn a lot from watching me. I took what you did and did the opposite pretty much. I love people Mom, even you still. I know you will never understand love and even I am shocked by how much love I have sometimes. But this my destiny.

Live and let live. Let’s have Aunt La over this weekend and have a good moment of laughing and good food(without the side of poison). Let’s pretend to be a family who is all on the same level and brought together by love. Chicken wings sound good, but I think you need new soy sauce first.

Love Always

Nicole

P.S. Thank you to the people who have been my witnesses to keep me safe. I really appreciate you and your bravery! I could not have asked for what you have done for me, it means so much!

P.S.S. Never accept food from my family without knowing there is a huge chance that it has poison in it. Spirulina and chorella are great mixed with poison foods. Look at me, it works, I just keep going and going! Uncle A this means you!! Thanks for the moment today, I appreciate you being my mirror so I could see myself. One day you will have to explain this all to me, but for now just keep the faith. We got this!

Today At 4pm…

Today at 4pm, I need you all to give me the names of people I should reach out to. I understand I cannot reach out to just anyone, they have to be immune to the darkness of my family. The bosses I had before who saw my value paid dearly for what they did. They were not from here they did not know better. I did not know better. Please do not do anything on the outside, just think it. I know there are others like me who have escaped, I just need to connect with one of them because if I have a partner in this: We will win!

I lost my connection for a couple days, but it is back(do not wear tampons and especially do not buy them at Albertson’s). However, in those couple days you all changed a lot. Even with the sunglasses and the no eye contact, I can read you and they can’t stop that. This is my superpower, I see people for who they really are. Rather than who they claim to be(when I take my binders). My parents and family taught me this, because they have lied and been covert since I was 4. Before that they were very overt and never kind about their demands to join the dark side, but they did have love for me. I think it was more love for what they planned on me doing for them. We all know how this backfired on all of us.

What would you do if you were me to save us all? Think about your plans today, because I need all the covert unnoticeable help I can get! Everyday, but especially today.

Love you all

Nicole

P.S. I hope you know my kindness is not in exchange for anything. I just aim to lead by example. I want you all to see it is possible and feels good to be a good person.

P.S. Bud I will never loose hope for you, I love you. I understand you have to poison me. It is okay. I need you to survive long enough for me to save us. You know this has always been my goal, I am just running really behind schedule. I am proud of you everyday, just like I tell my munchies. More and more. I see you for how amazing you really are. Never doubt yourself because I think you are just as smart as me just in ways I do not understand. You have something I will never have and I hope you see that Everyday. It is going to be okay, I may not know how, but I know! The dead people told me when I was 8 and saw them in person. Sounds crazy, but shoot if that was going to stop me it would have a long time ago.

Too Much Hope Is Dangerous

My biggest flaw is too much hope and the refusal to give up on people. I will forgive someone over and over and always have hope that they will choose to be a good person. Can you imagine how much this has hurt me being from my family?

My family will forever prey on my greatest weakness which is them and my desire for love from them. I believe people to be good, but I understand even good people make mistakes. My people and your children are just like me. We forgive even when most would not. I hope this gives you hope.

My Mom and my Dad are two of a kind, but my Dad does not like to appear to be the bad guy like my Mom enjoys. They make quite the team, still till this day. They thought they had me under control, but once again they just had me poisoned and brainwashed. Being around my family disarms me from the way the world has taught me people really are. My parents sold me love and especially romantic love to keep me manageable. I am their creation, but I backfired on them. This is why they made you send your children like me away.

How dare you think you could be a better parent than serial killers! But you understand this means you would be a better parent, right? They fear and try to destroy anything greater than them, like me. I am going to keep my hope for you and my people, because no one has ever had hope for me and I know hope can move mountains. I move mountains for everyone I love and think about if they deserve it after the fact, if ever.

Hope is the greatest power of all besides love, but using it on the wrong people is my greatest flaw.

Xoxo

Nicole

Only I Can Save Myself

I quit my real estate position in Arizona in January, because my family had gotten to the people I worked with. Needless to say that never ends up well for anyone. But I have had bosses before who saw my value. Not only am I a genius and a bit of a workaholic, I elicit great attention and curiosity no matter where I go. People love to see what all the fuss is about.

This morning my Mom was so excited because she thought I was going to stay here and let her and my Brother kill me and my dogs. Well, that seems like a real bad deal for me. Why would I want to give her what she has always wanted? It is not Christmas. I may not know where I am going, but I am not staying here. Like I said before this is a moment of rest and regrouping. Once I find a new position where I can explore my potential I am doing my happy dance and hitting the road.

Since January, I have been reaching out to many different people in many different industries with no luck via email. My family does not want me to speak out about being on the Autism spectrum and being a genius. It’s bad public relations for them. People may talk about what they covertly do to create people like me and then how they enslave them to a life of evil mediocrity or a group home. Heaven forbid people know the truth about them.

I have a new approach. Wish me luck, because this could be amazing for my people.

Xoxo

Nicole

Living Like A Grey Rock

Do you know what it is like to have never had a real conversation with anyone? I do. I break people when I fire on all cylinders, people can rarely handle the truth. This makes me not want to even try to communicate with anyone. It’s a waste of energy, because I never get what I truly seek out of it. I prefer to write/blog about my life, thoughts, and feelings. Rather than interact with people who will gaslight me.

“The grey rock method involves communicating in an uninteresting way when interacting with abusive or manipulative people. The name “grey rock” refers to how those using this approach become unresponsive, similar to a rock. The technique may involve: avoiding interactions with the abusive person.” https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock

I am sure this is how others with Asperger’s feel, too. It’s lonely to be so smart. No one really can keep up or even wants to try. It is easier to play dead like the others on the autism spectrum who lack verbal skills. They are smarter than most people give them credit for. Everyone on the Autism spectrum has more dynamic energy compared to neurotypicals.

We represent the exception to the rule and the fact that we are often in families with narcissists just adds to our lack of interest in forming relationships with others. In my experience, I have never not had to conform in order to create a lasting bond/relationship. Can you see how this could turn us off and make us not want to try?

One day, I hope you all try to meet us half way because we adapt to your neurotypical world everyday in countless ways.

Xoxo

Nicole

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201406/do-you-think-narcissism-autistic-spectrum-disorder

18 Signs Of A Psychopath/Sociopath

Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie is a book that changed my life. Growing up in a Russian Orthodox Narcissistic family cult made this book feel like a family reunion. Psychopaths have a higher skill set than the average narcissist when it comes to manipulation. Without feelings they have to emulate being human and having an emotional spectrum beyond merely anger and jealousy.

“Psychopaths do not actually feel the love and happiness that they so frequently proclaim. They oscillate between contempt, envy, and boredom. Nothing more.” -Jackson MacKenzie, Psychopath Free

Psychopaths prey on others to feel alive and get a taste of emotion. Their emotions are flat, dull, and painful. They seek to kill in you what they cannot have themselves. Psychopaths are people who know they do not have the ability to possess feelings and take it out on others.

As BPD and narcissism overlap, so do narcissism and anti-social personality disorder. All cluster b personality disorders start to look similar with time and age. Dark triad is how most of cluster b personality disorders leave this world. So if you grew up with a BPD or narcissistic parent, chances are highly likely that you will see the signs of psychopathy in them with age.

Signs of psychopathy:

  • Lack of empathy
  • Overly critical
  • Disregard for right and wrong
  • Wit and charm
  • Impulsiveness
  • Arrogance
  • Aggression
  • Unreliable and unpredictable
  • Lack of remorse or shame
  • Insincerity
  • Poor judgement and failure to learn by experience
  • Lack of insight
  • Impulsive
  • Only concerned with the now
  • Everything is a game
  • Ignores social norms
  • Deceitful
  • Callousness

Not all narcissists are psychopaths, but all psychopaths are narcissists.

Xoxo

Nicole

Follow me on IG to keep up with my adventures

https://www.instagram.com/nicole_graves_kudearoff/

Ridgeview Elementary School In the 1980’s

This morning during my Mom’s great efforts to prove she is human and a good Mom, she showed me a class photo from 3rd or 4th grade at Ridgeview Elementary in Springfield, Oregon. The whole class had swollen eyes like I did when I lived in Sierra Vista. I also remember 3rd through 5th grade were the years that I felt the worst and my memory is the foggiest. The mills here were nearly all closed by then. Did you all literally have mold in your homes too? All of you? Was it in the schools too? Are all your children like me? Some of my classmates were super intelligent and not as drugged/poisoned, but we all had the swollen eyes.

They use mold as punishment and as way to aide in brainwashing. I am pretty sure when you give into the dark side the mold becomes optional. My Aunt La is still dealing with mold in her house. My “friend” I went to visit when I first got here was growing mold on purpose in her bathroom, but her child like me is still young and not sold on the dark side. My Mom’s house had mold, but most of it is gone, but I am sure it can still be found under the paint on the bottom story. I have lived in mold since 2015, when A1 started punishing me for not loving him and buying into his lies.

How do they convince you that your children need to be punished? Why are you hurting your children’s nervous systems? Do your children now punish their own children with mold? Using your senses leads to common sense, what are you trying to hide from all the children?

Xoxo

Nicole

“The mycotoxins produced by black mold are neurotoxins, which lead to varying neurological symptoms. Feelings of brain fog, dizziness, mood swings, hallucinations, anxiety, depression, seizures, and numbness are just a few of the nervous system effects.”

https://airqualityassessors.com/black-mold-symptoms/#:~:text=The%20mycotoxins%20produced%20by%20black,of%20the%20nervous%20system%20effects.

They Do Not Want To Play Their Own Game Now That They Have To Pretend

The shoe is on the other foot now and they are just pissed and poor sports. The neighbor ladies are livid and I can feel it. Especially, the one with two daughters that I grew up with because I represent her worst nightmare too.

My cousin J does not want to play. I can hope it is because she may feel guilt, but that is me projecting my emotional spectrum on her. Which is something that has always got me into trouble. Humanity is not common and this is something I always have to remind myself.

My Mom put on a show this morning for whoever is listening to my bugged computer and phone. She let me talk about my special interests and pretended to act interested and keeps pushing for me to see my Aunt La. She is selling me family and in turn her survival. I can appreciate the situation she is in, but they tortured me for a lifetime and I have only been making them really uncomfortable for less than a month. They sent me away to be taken care of by their goons in the desert. Actually having to face me and the truths I know about them is hard on their nervous system. I understand I just don’t care. I was the sacrifical lamb my whole life. They can take a little discomfort.

When the shoe is on the other foot, they are realizing the discomfort they have caused me for a lifetime. This scares them more because they know I like to channel my anger to drive me forward in life.

Treat others how you want to be treated. When that does not work give them a taste of their own medicine.

Xoxo

Nicole

P.S. My Mom asked how long it will take for my cancer to come back this morning with great intrigue.

Dear Dad Part 2

The last time I wrote you a letter/blog Mom showed up the next day, so I think I was onto something. You haven’t killed anyone, huh? I forgive you for everything you did to me. And I am pretty sure you did not kill your wives because you value the way things look and my Mom needing to destroy things so greatly is why you could not make it work with her. Me too! Can we form an alliance? I am unsure of what the point of all destruction is because I don’t understand destruction. I want greatness and excellence too. You were the one who taught me to seek greatness. I am sorry I forgot that.

Love

Nicole

P.S. Did they tell you I was dead too? I am not, I am very much alive and would love help with exploring my potential. I think this was something you wanted me to do, but Mom made you stop.

P.S.S. They have been poisoning you too, huh?

P.S.S.S. I could be entirely wrong and just be wishing for one of my parents to have a heart/not be a killer. This is something that is wired into us from birth, so I have to acknowledge my parents are part of my blind spots, but actions do speak louder than words every time.

They Told You I Was Dead, Huh?

When you look like you have seen a ghost when you see me, it is because they told you I was dead, huh? I am literally haunting you and when I talk about talking to the dead it really freaks you out, huh? Wow! They lied about me my whole life, your children like me, and even my death. What do you think they have not lied about?

Are you starting to question them and their ability to lead the dark side effectively, yet? I bet if you had a vote, you would vote for me if I embraced the dark side, huh? But have you considered switching over to my side yet? My leadership abilities already greatly outweigh my Mom’s,Dad’s, Aunt N’s, and Uncle D’s. And the karma over here is way cleaner. God loves my side.

Earlier tonight, my Mom paraded me around the neighborhood in Thurston walking my dogs with me, but in reality she was sending you all a message. Do you really feel like she has me under control? I saw one man who was really questioning everything and said “Hi” while my Mom mumbled something that implied to ignore him. He looked like he wanted to kill me himself, but you all know this will break wide open if anything happens to me, huh? You may have some law enforcement on your side, but probably not absolutely all of them. Just the ones who grew up poor or enjoy evil, right? And even if my family did tell you they had control over all the law enforcement would you believe them? Who writes two blogs on different domains on narcissism/cults and has paid for them on her USAA credit card to have a tangible record throughout the years?

I question myself about my Mom the most. Who does not want the love of their Mother? I would love it if it was possible and real, but it is nice to pretend and live in a fantasy sometimes, too. So, I understand how you people bought into all this mess. There have been many days where I wish I could have. If I was not a genius, I probably would have. Logic can be a double edged sword.

My brother is breaking, he is so anxious and trying really hard to poison me so I stop making him uncomfortable. I do not think he turned to the dark side too long ago(probably around the time he worked at the distributor). He may have thought I was dead, too. This will break him beyond the point of no return. However, he will not give up the power and control that is his birthright unless it is no longer an option. I am sure there are a lot of people in my family like him.

They are trying really hard to kill my dogs. May I let you all know that you should really advise against this. If I loose one or both of my dogs not only will I continue to be passionate about exploring my potential and living a good life. I will also commit to devoting the rest of my life to seeking justice, but not in the way you all would. I do not enjoy blood and guts or getting dirty. But I would enjoy sending my family to prison for the rest of their lives to allow the people they have picked on to do my dirty work for me. And I am sure many of you will end up going down with them in the process.

We can play this covert game, but leave my dogs out of it! I may not embrace evil, but still the apple does not fall far from the tree.

Xoxo

Nicole

A Letter To My Family’s Enemies

I am unsure of who the enemies of my family are, but I know they have to exist in great numbers. This could be dangerous, but I would love to form an alliance with one of you. My family will kill me so I really do not have much to loose.

It is not only my genes that makes me valuable. It is what I know about all of them. They wanted to make me have a baby because they knew I would protect a child and that would make me manageable. Just as my dogs have made me more manageable. I was right most of them are serial killers and I am one of the few who is not. My Aunt Lee and my Aunt La are the two I still have hope for, but not great hope. I know better by now.

If I stay here they will just keep me imprisioned and get me sick again. But they know I will stay because they have created literally no where to run. I know my readership stats do not reflect my true readership, because I see you people have connected with the energy of my writing. Please reach out to everyone you can. This is where you can help me and no one will know. Who can I join forces with that will benefit you the people the most? Who else out there wants to create a world similar to the version I envision? Who has the power to create the change you desire?

My mind won’t last long here. I am already sleeping more than I have in years. If there was ever a time for action, it is now. Please help me fix what my family has done/is doing. I am counting on you.

Good people deserve good things!

Love Always

Nicole

Trust Is Fleeting

Do you ever get tired of wondering where people’s loyalties lie? Do you know what it is like to belong to a family with multiple serial killers, who love to poison themselves, us, and one another? Can you imagine the great difference in realities between the killers and the victims in my family? Can you imagine the cognitive dissonance of searching for the answers I have found?

I don’t really care who is in on what my family does, because I know it can all be ended with my success. It is what it is. Exploring my potential is what I really desire. Experiencing health, love, success, and influence without fear are my goals and what drives me. I am the only one who can save myself from whatever this ordeal is. And if I can save others in my doing so, why not focus on the big picture?

Refusing to get caught up in the drama is more than half the battle. Small minded people love the drama because it allows them to steal more of others energy. Perhaps, drama is their version of potential, because they refuse to see what could be if they thought they contained greatness.

Xoxo

Nicole

P.S. Bud, I know you poisoned my steak(thus my dogs), coffee, and computer today. I may go back and forth on Mom, but I am sure about you. And you realize my dogs are what keep me human and thus keep me from being like you, right? Why try to kill the one person who has always signed up to be on your side? I may never understand, but I don’t have to.

P.S.S. My Mom did kill my Dad’s last two wives or maybe this is how she trained my Brother.

Hurt, But Never Broken

If my family had the ability to break me, it would have happened a long, long time ago. This is why I illicit great fear and anger in them. I will not allow them to change me too much. Sure, I get a bit more jaded, but I heal and they will never own my state of mind. I will always be me, because I am who I am. People cannot steal your soul unless you allow them to. Your soul is a gift from God, never forget that.

Living with the enemy is within my comfort zone. I just have to make my own way to independent personal success to really escape this time forever. Sure, I could get emotional and storm off, but emotionally reactive behavior gets me nowhere I wish to go. Have you ever tried to escape a situation/circumstance that keeps drawing you back in and seems impossible to shake?

I should have listened when A1 tried to get me to change my name, but he wanted to own me so it was hard to trust him. Is it even possible to escape your birthright? In my family, it isn’t. Why are so many people jealous of something that I do not even really want or desire? This is why people despise me, huh? I have what they will never have access to, but yet I reject it every chance I get.

Many people have tried to enslave me, but why has no one ever really tried to be loving and honest? I am a pretty logical person. If someone would have said this is why your family fears you coming into your power and you will never be able to escape your birthright, but this is how we can make the most of it. I would have come to terms with the situation I call a family with time. It is because everyone fears my family because they have seen what they are capable of, huh?

Do not loose the hope I saw in your eyes. I have not given up and never will, I am not designed to. This is merely a moment of rest and regrouping. I have not forgotten my desire to meet you all one day very soon. Our ancestors remain calmer than they have ever been and I know this means something beyond my comprehension.

Have faith for us all, because you know I always do.

Xoxo

Nicole

People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense.” ~Ken Keesy

My Mom Knows

Well, thank you again for the answers. Just got back from a dog walk in Thurston and you all give me the answers even without eye contact. My Mom knows. Just as she always has. Be careful what you wish for! I asked for my Mom on the Jeep cam the night before I “ran into” her. No one will save or love me, why do I still have hope for people?

This was/is a trap. Love has always been the largest weapon/trap in my family and life. My Mom taught me this, she also went from overt to covert in the mid 1980’s. I know better than to expect people to change who they are at their core. I have always wanted a Mom who knows love and she pretends to know love way better than when I was younger. One of my deepest wounds is not having parents who viewed me worthy of love. I am the only one left in my Truman Show. Everyone else has broke, huh? I am the last one fighting.

What has made you all accept this as your fate? Fear seems to be the largest motivator for people involved in this mess. Do you all ever do anything out of love? Why don’t you all love yourselves? Or your children?

Xoxo

Nicole

P.S. I am still unsure about which of my parents created the military people, but does it really matter? They probably worked together on it. It was my parents though.

P.S.S. It is not a coincidence that I started to get back out into society and started a sales job right before covid started, huh?

9 Signs Of Toxicity When Making New Friends After Narcissistic Abuse

When making new friends and reconnecting with old friends after narcissistic abuse, it is imperative to figure out who is toxic and who is healthy. Healthy people will aide in your healing journey, while toxic people will add to the struggles of recovery. Recovering from narcissistic abuse is a lifelong journey. When you think you have arrived, you are faced with a new obstacle in life that leads you right back to recovery. You are worth the life of your dreams and every time you compromise it is rooted in your belief that you do not deserve your dreams.

Recently, I have been working on meeting new people and reconnecting with some of my old friends. After going within, working on myself, and my root wound, it is time to get back out into the world. However, going back out into the world is not without speed bumps.

Here are 9 signs, I have encountered, that shed light on a person’s toxicity:

  • They enjoy hearing about your problems and things you are struggling with because they enjoy your pain more than they can share in your successes.
  • They use your given name more often than necessary.
  • They over share their issues and struggles, but rarely share successes or things they are happy about(besides material possessions).
  • They talk a big self-care game, but rarely participate in it or follow through.
  • They know a lot of people and enjoy talking/gossiping about them.
  • They often talk about their traumas, but rarely share how they addressed and/or dealt with these issues to heal.
  • They treat you as a toy/possession rather than a freethinking individual.
  • They study you rather than get to know you or catch up with you.
  • They bring up past experiences you shared that involve your vulnerability(if you knew them before).

When you know and realize the signs and feelings that go along with toxic people, it is easier to weed them out of your life. Be a ruthless gardener and protect the garden of your life like the true gift it is.

Xoxo

Nicole

Follow me on IG to keep up with my adventures

https://www.instagram.com/nicole_graves_kudearoff/

Check out: The Narcissist’s Flying Monkeys

Don’t Eat The Soy Sauce

It has taken me all day to recover from the dinner I ate with my Mom last night. It was amazing to have comfort food, but oh dear it made the puzzle in my mind really weird. Or rather the lead did. Plus, I tried to take some diatomaceous earth this morning(I had it in my Jeep) and it was really strong with lead. And laying in my old bed even for five minutes last night really stole my zen. Now, I understand why I was so anxious most of my life. And why I bought into being crazy for so long.

Less will always be more when you are apart of a family like mine(at least in it’s current state), but it took me a long time to figure this out. This has helped me find my zen and desire to fight for it. I wake up happy most mornings and I never thought this was possible as a child or young adult. Not until a year or two ago, after extreme manipulation of my microbiome did I realize just how much of life and happiness I had been missing out on. Gut bacteria is amazing and may be one of my mild special interests. There is a strain of bacteria for everything you can think of. Plus fermenting food/drink is just fun and tasty.

What is clear about my family cult? There are ethnic families like mine all over the nation. I know this because my best friend growing up was like me, but her Grandma was from Norway. Her Mom also married a Nazi who aided in trying to break me. My friend was dynamic like me, but just not as book smart(but her sister who was the second child was). My friend is the one who got me into dance in grade school and she could play music on the piano by ear. My brain does not work like that, but I sure was amazed by her ability.

Also, in these ethnic families like mine matriarchy is the rule of thumb, rather than the exception. We believe in love and practice it in our relationship dynamics. The energy dynamics changed in these families in the mid-1980’s. This is when patriarchy crept in and the decline began. This is also when everyone went from overt to covert.

These are the families like mine that have been enslaved.

Xoxo

Nicole

P.S. Do any of you come from ethnic families like mine?

Parking At My Mom’s House

I have found a weird kind of safety parking at my Mom’s house. Her house is toxic and makes my liver hurt and most of her food is poisoned. But she is not to blame. She is living in her own Truman Show just as most of the women in our family. Luckily, I have always been the black sheep so she understands that I question everything. It is just who I have always been and she knows my favorite question has always been “Why?”

My thyroid/throat, chest, and liver hurt when I am in her house for a long period of time. All my binders and vitamins that have been in my Jeep have been poisoned. They give me the lead lips and angry feelings. I have not been this angry in a long time and after reading the past handful of blog posts I know you all can see it too. This is how I felt most of my life. I was a really angry and anxious person. It is so different than the person I have become since I left Oregon.

The cult leaders must have wrote me off as dead until I started speaking out about being on the Autism spectrum and being an INFJ and genius. Why are they so against me being me? It must threaten who they are and what they plan to do. Who else has questioned their mental state after watching content on TikTok? Did you grow up in a family that felt like a cult? Were the men in your family covert narcissists? And the women/Mothers BPD? I would love anyone who can relate to my story to comment and let me know I am not alone.

Xoxo

Nicole

Flowers At Mount Vernon Cemetery

Seeing so many people have visited their ancestors at Mount Vernon Cemetery where my Grandmother is buried was really nice. I understand you were using covert tactics to fight your war, but it still made me happy. Our dead deserve to be respected. We have disrespected them at every turn with the decisions we have made in our present day reality.

Thank you all!

Nicole

The Narcissist’s Flying Monkeys

Narcissists cannot survive without their enablers. Flying monkeys are people who turn a blind eye to red flags, blatant abuse, and the narcissist causing most issues rather than resolving them. These people are usually unaware of the abuse they are perpetuating and participating in, but ignorance does not make the damage they create heal faster.

Flying monkeys also play into narcissistic family cults. When narcissistic supply is not easily obtainable, a narcissist always has their family to fall back on. Narcissists rarely go no contact with their family of origin, even when there are highly dysfunctional members. Turning these dysfunctional family members into flying monkeys allows the narcissist to perpetuate abuse on their target whenever they choose. Family members in a narcissistic family cult are taught loyalty and blind devotion from a very young age, so these flying monkeys will normally last a lifetime.

Narcissists use flying monkeys to spread and perpetuate their smear campaign after their true colors are seen. These people are used to do the narcissist’s dirty grunt work. Flying monkeys do not think for themselves and often take everything the narcissist says at face value. Even when faced with the truth about the narcissist, flying monkeys would rather stick their head in the sand than admit the narcissist is not the victim he/she claims to be.

A narcissist needs to have flying monkeys for narcissistic supply and reinforcements. These people allow the narcissist to continue to believe all the grandiose things they believe about themselves. Flying monkeys may be unknowingly perpetuating narcissistic abuse, but this does not mean they belong in your life. Going no contact with all people who have bought the narcissist’s fantasy, that they sell as reality, is imperative to your recovery.

Remember the truth is often not as easy to swallow as the great fantasy the narcissist sells. Have compassion for these people, because at one point in time you were one of the narcissist’s flying monkeys too.

Xoxo

Nicole

Follow me on IG to keep up with my adventures

https://www.instagram.com/nicole_graves_kudearoff/

Check Out: Narcissistic Abuse: Nature Versus Nurture

Understanding The Fear I See In The Men’s Eyes In My Family

Uncle A I saw you, I think I really saw you for the first time in my life the other day. You were looking out your window waiting for me to bring my evil to your house. You know all the pieces I am missing to put this puzzle together and you know you are one of the weakest links. Who will get to you first me or them?

I was right, men do not really have a role other than sexual abuse in our family/cult. They abuse us women, keep us down by making us breed, and then try to take credit for anything they can that we accomplish. Uncle A you had the easy role, why are you not loving your life? Why are you so sick? Who is poisoning you and why? Did you have guilt over killing your parents?

I now understand it was not my Mom and Aunts who killed my grandparents. It was the men who married into our family. Why were you hurt by fulfilling your role? Is it the same reason I have rejected my role in our family? Do you feel just as cheated? You do not share the soulless desire to keep destroying me. Who made you do what you did to me? Why do you feel guilt? Why keep your loyalty to the dark side? They make people do things that make them fear death and God.

So, in turn you will keep carrying out their evil for a lifetime. Your daughter is just like me and this is what you fear the most, right?

Xoxo

Nicole

P.S. So let it be known that if anything happens to My Uncle A, it was my family cult.

P.S.S. I see the same fear in my Brother’s eyes. What does he get once he kills both me and my Mom? What happens if he fails?

It Is The Boy

Well, I tried going to bed in my old bedroom at my Mom’s house in my old bed and now I realize it is not so much what I know, it is who I am. My Brother is the only one who has had access to my old bedroom, phone, computer, and tablet which are all making me have a lead reaction that I can feel in my lips, my cold hands and feet, backed up lympathic system, and my cortisol levels. Why are they trying to kill my Mom too?

This has to link back to my Grandpa, my Dad, and my uncles. Why are they trying to keep us stupid? My Mom is smart like me they just have her extremely drugged/poisoned. The food she cooked had poison today, but she did not knowingly do it and it was small doses. There was more in the air at her house. Especially, around the time my Brother woke up. I wrote a note on my phone telling him to stop and saying we need to heal her or we can tell her about his serial status because my phone is bugged by the military people and the bikers. I know he got the message by how he looked when he came upstairs. He was channeling the evil of another. What an empty glow.

My Mom did cook food that my Brother went to the store to get for her. He also poisoned me last night with his truck. He showed up right when I parked outside my Mom’s house. Him and one of his old friends from high school that works at the grocery store stayed up all night “playing video games”. Gotta love those grocery store people! Why don’t they want us to be smart? Maybe because if we knew we could do it on our own, why the fuck we need them? I have never known a man to not be rather useless other than for money or his magic stick. I can make my own money when not sabotaged and use a dildo.

Is this all because my Dad poisoned my Mom while pregnant with me? And her Dad poisoned her Mom when pregnant with her? And my uncles poisoned my aunts while pregnant? We are all are pretty smart, but have rarely gotten traction in life on our own and have had major health issues. Maybe this is why my Mom magically got pregnant with my Brother right before my parents divorced. I really wanted to give my Brother the benefit of the doubt, but as my lips and cheeks are having a lead reaction. I am just pissed. Lead messes with my cortisol and makes it spike. I just gave my dogs a bath tonight and now they are high on lead and dirty again. What the fuck!!

Who the fuck was my Grandpa? There was a question I never really asked, because honestly he seemed quite useless just as most of the men in my family. All they can be asked for is money and to stay out of the way, but they love to create babies with us. They get quite mad when we will not reproduce with them. Look at how much pain it has caused me to say no to children. Even knowing children will not make me happy.

I am having the lead flashbacks now. My brother is poisoning himself too, but why? He isn’t smart like my Mom and I, but he is dynamic. Fun fact: I got my immunizations in half doses, but my Brother got them in thirds. Hmmm! Noteworthy, but still not quite sure what that means. Asperger’s is caused by toxic exposure during pregnancy. My Mom worked at the wood mills when pregnant with me, but she did not when she was pregnant with my Brother. Are all the kids with parents who worked at the mills around here born with autism and I just won some evil lottery? How did me and my Mom win the same lottery? Yes, there are genes, but gene expression is a thing too. What toxin triggers the gene expression for Asperger’s? Dare I guess lead? mold? radon?

They are trying to stop me from figuring out this puzzle. And they want my Mom to be in the dark, she has no eyebrows just like I had in Vegas. And the year she retired she got more sick, just like when I stayed home for covid. Even if I get her the tools to get better they will poison them, just like they did my activated charcoal in the Jeep and all the things in my home in Sierra Vista.

How the fuck do I explain to my Mom that she raised a serial killer with munchausen by proxy who’s longest victim has been her? Jesus Christ!

Xoxo

Nicole

Gotta love family right! Can’t live with them, can’t live without them has a whole new meaning.

Who Is Trying To Kill The Women In My Family?

So I know it is the men in my family trying to kill the women, but why? Do they feel they need/deserve to destroy us? White men have the most privilege in American society, so what would cause them to feel less than? Perhaps, their obsession with destruction rather than excellence? Perhaps, their lack of emotional intelligence and cortisol brain? Is this why they want everyone to have cortisol brain? Why not just heal your own trauma, rather than take it out on others?

Just who are my Dad, Uncle B, and Uncle D? Are most men like them, as I have experienced? And how does A1 fit into the mix as a Korean? Does gender matter more than ethnicity? As I sit here absorbing lead through my fingers from my computer, all I can wonder is so many things that I do not want to admit to. Dare I think my Brother is a serial killer who has been mentored by my Dad? Do all men teach their sons how to destroy women? Why torture the women who love, nurture, and care for you?

After 25 days of running from bikers, Mexicans, Nazis, & Communists, I have more questions than I have answers. However, now I am sure I know something that I am not supposed to and we are going to dive deep!

Xoxo

Nicole

The Great Evil Was My Dad

What a turn of events and a heck of a wild ride! I have learned so much about people and the dark side. Perhaps, the lesson is beware of the people who are kindest to your face, because they seek something for their kindness. Nothing is ever free.

Dad, I will always have love for you, but I will never understand your desire for great evil. You won, but not in the way you desired. However, it is still a win. You stole 40 years of my life and underestimated me at every turn. Luckily, your lack of emotional intelligence was my saving grace. How many other families are there like ours? Will they be able to stop? The point of no return is a dark vortex that rarely allows people to escape.

Walking the dogs in Thurston, I can tell your people because even though they lost, they are taking great pleasure in the pain you have caused me. You know you cannot keep doing what you are doing. You need to make up for the damage you caused to humanity. Dare I say your crimes to humanity? How can I be made of your genes and be so different? Gene expression is the answer. Everyone can change their gene expression, with health, love, optimism, and mental abundance. The world you choose to live in is sad. I hope you see their is another way.

I am not interested in warring for life. Why was I needed for your plan? I probably won’t ever understand logically, even if I have all the facts. The military people are my Dad’s people, but they are still my people. Please, allow them to heal. The world will never be what it can with so much darkness, greed, and hate.

The group homes need to be made into places where torture is not common practice and accepted. Those are my people. All that separates us is different amounts of toxins during pregnancy. I could have been like one of them and you would have just killed me, huh? Things need to change quickly. I will make a trip down to Sierra Vista, after I have time to rest a bit, and I want things to be better when I get there.

You know the three guys I worked with at the group home? They are pretty amazing and deserve everything to change more than I ever will. They deserve not to walk around all day with pooh on them and to not be locked alone in their rooms all day. They deserve real food that allows them healing rather than more pain and disease. They deserve people with hearts around them, not people who take great pleasure in their pain. Your people enjoying my pain is one thing, but those guys are innocent. How dare you? You were one of those guys when you were younger. How could you forget that could be you? Be a good person and right your wrongs. I will leave this be and make my way to great success with my special interests rather than taking you down.

I wish you happiness as long as that does not come at the cost of another.

Xoxo

Nicole

My Own Hunger Games

Dear Pamela Lapp of Mountain Steppes Apartments

Thank you for the two years of training for this adventure. I never was allowed around poor people and you represent why. Everything they gave you to reward you for destroying me will be taken away. You will be left with less than when you started. I hope you learned greatness comes from within, not from destroying others. May God be with you. xo Nicole

My two years in Sierra Vista were hell, but I learned so much about people and toxins. This adventure that you all look at with terror and disbelief is actually more comfortable than living in the death/work camp in Sierra Vista. My dogs are healing quicker now than they were in Sierra Vista. The mold and gas were beyond belief there. The people who worked there were beyond heartless. They could not even be kind if they tried. I never would have been able to do all the things I have done in the past few weeks without the information these people’s energy gave me. Once again their arrogance gave so much away. I wonder how they are feeling today?

Clarissa Chacon, I felt your fear and your brain is extremely small due to cortisol. I will give you your own blog post and post the email you sent gaslighting me. At least now I know you know what you were doing. I hope you survive this.

Bonnie, You are the only one who had a chance, but you just stood there and said nothing even though you had so many feelings that told you what you were doing was wrong. I hope you figure stuff out, because you are not one of them.

Joceline Trepainier, They gave you a pregnancy with a special kid like me for what did huh? Do you even feel guilt or are you just proud of yourself? I appreciate you teaching me about people who do not value excellence, but rather the easy way out.

One day we all will meet again and you will have a chance to apologize, because I will not be like you.

Xoxo

Nicole

Narcissistic Abuse: Nature Versus Nurture

When you are raised by narcissists or toxic people nature versus nurture is not really a debate, because both were choatic messes. Nature refers to the genes you inherited and nurture refers to the environment you experienced. Both of these contributing factors need to be addressed in narcissistic abuse recovery.

Nature, being the genes you were born with, is not on your side when you are born into a narcissistic family. Toxic people do not take care of their health on more than a surface level. So being their offspring means you need to address these health issues. Heavy metals, parasites, and gut flora are some of the things that we inherit from our parents that have a large impact on the quality of our lives. All mental disorders are thought to begin in the gut. Cleaning up your microbiome is a great place to start when recovering from narcissistic abuse. Do a heavy metal cleanse, parasite cleanse, and start colonizing the good bacteria in your gut. These are all things that seem really simple, but after you begin to address these issues you start to realize how dynamic they really are.

Changing your environment is the easy part. Anyone can move and start over, but not everyone realizes nurture encompasses changing the way you react and respond to life. Changing your behaviors that reflect in your environment is changing your deep rooted programming. You were programmed by a toxic person who installed viruses into your programming that will cause you to self destruct. If you do not address these viruses and out of date programming it will lead to a whole system break down: emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Xoxo

Nicole

Nature versus nurture is not the question when recovering from narcissistic abuse. Genes and environment are both issues. The question is have you addressed both to fully encompass your healing in a holistic manner.

Check Out: 9 Signs Of Toxicity When Making New Friends After Narcissistic Abuse