Take Back Your Limbic System & Life

Well, last night they poisoned my meat a lot, but it allowed me to figure out what they are doing to our bodies and brains. They are hijacking our limbic systems, which means they are hijacking our brains, emotions, and hormones. Running away to the desert really did save my life and allow me to find myself because I rewired my brain unknowingly. You can do this too and I got the time, so let’s talk about it.

My whole life my family has taken me to therapy and told me I was the problem. Well, this is where they were trying to send me into a deep emotional spiral that I would never recover from. It kept me medicated and without hope for most of my life. However, when I stopped doing the therapy and then stopped with the medication my world changed. My brain changed and I am now able to see so many things for how they are instead of how I was brainwashed into “feeling”.

SS soldiers work out and are active because they are compensating for the damage the chemicals/poisons have on the limbic system. I wonder if they realize what they are doing? I am sure they rarely think about it beyond the physical effects. But they are still doing it.

So step 1 is get active! I enjoy walking my dogs, lifting very small weights, and doing some yoga poses. It does not have to be a lot, but you just need to do it regularly, aka daily. This will also help your body detox the toxins in your system from the food, water, and air. There is really no loosing with exercise, but be careful with exercise that spikes cortisol. It can be more damaging when your limbic system is in an unhealthy state. So be gentle with yourself, you deserve to be soothed and comforted with movement/exercise. When you go walking it is like when you rock a baby who is fussy, it is calming and moves the lyphatic system thus helping your body remove toxins and self-regulate. Self care is magical because no one can give your body what you need more than you. You just have to learn how it communicates with you and asks for help.

Step 2 reframe emotions on past traumatic events and stop thinking about them regularly. This is how my family cult got me stuck and this is how they use the mental health industry to cripple many people who are just looking for help. When you focus on the bad experiences, even if they make up the majority of your life, it emotionally deregulates your brain and limbic system. Find a way to make those experiences work for you.

For example, I was trying to find answers about the sexual abuse I endured for many years with absolutely no luck. Well, I used the skills I developed coping with sexual abuse my whole life and entered the adult industry. I never was able to get myself to do prostitution, but the skills I learned to cope as a child and young adult helped me escape my family cult. But more importantly I changed the way I viewed the world and thus rewired my brain.

Once you rewire your brain my family cult looses most of it’s power over you, because they have never had a fully functional brain. Plus, the narcissism/cluster b personality disorders effects their emotional spectrum and emotional intelligence so they are incapable of admitting you have something they will never obtain. Broken people want to break people, because whole people force them to acknowledge their inferiority.

Step 3: Breathe. Your limbic system controls many automatic responses in your body like tempature and breathing. So, check in with your body and make sure everything is in place. Even if this is for a few minutes before you go to bed or before you start work, or just whenever. Are you watching tv in the evening? Do some sit-ups and/or yoga while there and take some deep breaths. Find ways to help your body self regulate while going about your daily life. It is not just about taking an hour and doing the things, it is about changing the way you operate throughout the day, everyday.

This stuff is hard for me to explain because I did not know what I was doing consciously. I just listened to my body and was focused on healing disease. So bear with me as I verbalize/write these things out. Autism for me means I have access to the world inside, but getting it out in words to make sense to others is like climbing Mt. Everest. I can tell you all I know, but until you take the time to feel what I am talking about it won’t click. Your body is amazing and it can heal and will communicate with you if you learn the language it speaks.

This family cult of ours has stolen you from you. It is time to rebuild and get yourself back.

Love Always

Nicole Graves

P.S. Keep in mind that when I rewired my brain in the desert the poisons did not stop, if anything they were worse. I did the most when I was in the death camp in Arizona. Even in the darkest of times healing is possible.

Insurance & War Games

I learned so much about the war games, my Dad, white SS soldiers, and sales from Bill. You were my Karen of real estate, but in insurance. Throughout the years, I have learned that covert narcissists just can’t help, but give me the answers when I look at them blankly like I do not understand. Being underestimated by people lacking in emotional intelligence is my comfort zone.

So Bill’s Mother just died and he was going through great change. The dynamics changing on how he played his war games had something to do with why he thought he could further his position with my employment. However from a place of more power, he had to keep his distance because being covert with me was not as easy as he had intended. I can appreciate this, because it gave me perspective on why my Dad left me alone so much after my parents divorced. No one wants to play this game anymore. But they are the ones who not only started it, but created it. I have just adapted to the playing field before me.

Bill taught me how narcissists use people’s brains against them not only in sales, but in real life too. He told me about how he had his wife, before they were married, buy a house in just her name. This means he had created a trauma bond enough with her to have faith that she would be stuck with him for a lifetime. I can understand this, my Dad did this trauma bonding thing with my Mom and still does till this day. Sales is an amazing thing, but relationships should not be based on sales. That is what the adult industry is for, play/fake relationships.

Bill also had a military background. I still have not figured out the exact rules about the second born who are sent to the military, but I know enough to know it means something impactual. Both my parents were second born and military. Also, I understand that when you have a child at Westpoint or some fancy military elite school you are furthering your bloodline in some fancy way. So him and his wife are/were military and the fancy military school for their kid means they mean something.

Also, Bill taught me how much my family, but more specifically my Dad underestimates me. This is why no one has ever tried to get to know me and why he has sent so many stupid white boys after me. Dumber than a box of rocks most of them, because they have lead poisoning so badly to keep them manageable and in their reptilian brains. They have done this to my Brother too.

Seeing the other young boy at the office was an education on the entitlement my Brother and cousins feel. The girl there taught me I am naive to think I will be treated equally as a woman, because she was happy accepting crumbs and was so set on destroying me just to prove herself. But she does not fit the cookie cutter image the white men expect out of women, so she has already been written off. All she really did was tell me a lot like that I just need to be seen and that not everyone knows I am alive Still! And that my love of travel is breaking the “rules”. And that I am really good at sales. Those two almost felt like prisoners just as much I do.

My bloodline runs extremely thin. If I have to turn to the dark side and use my evil side, why not use it to improve the world? I don’t know if my cousin Scott would be much better as a leader, but I do know that my Brother will hurt people for sport just as my parents. I have always tried to be kind to him because they messed with him in different ways than they did with me and I saw him struggle. But now I realize he chose them a long time ago and has been poisoning me himself since grade school. I was part of his training. So I can see and acknowledge others pain, but no one seems to acknowledge mine.

I have endured 40 years of this bullshit and I am fucking tired of it. My parents raised me to be a serial killer, but there is only one person I need to take with me to kill my bloodline. And if they keep me in a position of nothing to loose I am probably going to break and get evil. But this is what they have always wanted, right?

I want to sell insurance and real estate, be gifted with Mr. Utah if he is okay with being mine, and to eat clean food. No one can overtly hurt me. You all created this game, I just took notes and learned how to play it. Nothing is scarier than a serial killer with self control, but how much longer will I keep my self control? Especially when pumped full of poisons that spike my cortisol. Seems like you all are asking for me to just loose it. Why would I not want to take everything you all have worked to rebuild at my expense with me? Do you think I forgive you all for what you have done? What do you think I am going to do with my rage if I do not channel it to move me forward in life? My destiny is to make the world a better place one way or another. Self defense is something I am going to partake in now.

Genius can be amazing when it is controlled and directed.


Nicole Graves

P.S. Did Aunt Lee and Dad just have sex or did they have an ongoing affair?

P.S.S. You know my Dad is the one who taught me to embrace abortion, when he got me pregnant in high school. Are there “rules” against this?

I sat here for a good twenty minutes thinking about whether or not to publish this post. But the thing is my family cult aka my Dad watches as I write so there is really no going back. And why would it be wrong for me to fight back finally?

Is It Love Or Stockholm’s Syndrome?

Does love even exist in this society? I am starting to think that not only is romantic love a way to keep people distracted, but love in general is a lie when it comes to humans. My ability to love is a byproduct of Stockholm Syndrome. I have been held hostage and captive my whole life and every time I reacted to the abuse I was told I was evil and wrong. Which erodes someone’s sense of self.

This is why you all are missing a sense of self. You also have Stockholm Syndrome even though you have not experienced being a hostage like me. It only takes hours for the bonding necessary to create trauma bonds(aka Stockholm’s Syndrome).

I have experienced this bonding for a lifetime, literally 40 years. And if I take away the love feeling I have for my family and the people who have been close to me, there is nothing left but hate. This “love” feeling is the only thing that has kept my family alive. Well, and the obligation they sold me about owing them for being born. Little did I know they got to advance in the war games because of my birth. So in actuality they kind of owe me. Right? My existence and pain has empowered them in countless ways. This is why they did not kill me. They wanted to continue to use me to further their own well being.

If you were me, how would you seek your revenge? I was super happy to live in my own little world with my dogs and explore my potential swimming upstream in a million ways, but No that was me asking too much. Well, what would you do to the people who have demanded too much of you and used “love” to blackmail you into being the bigger person your whole life?

I would really love to know what you all think, think loud thoughts and I will tune in when I am walking my dogs and plotting.

Hate Always

Nicole Graves

P.S. Today while walking by the river I saw my family’s fear in you all. They still fear someone will get to me. It was the same fear but much louder as A1 used to feel at the airports. Btw, thank you A1 for helping me figure out the Stockholm Syndrome with your email where you mirrored me. I hope you are doing well too. And yes our kiddos are more love than I ever imagined was possible. Thank you for the greatest gifts of my life. They opened my world and made me more manageable, so we all won with them.

What Happens When You Corner A Wild Animal?

My whole life my family and other people have tried to break me into being tame, but it has yet to happen. Yesterday, my family cult took away the only thing I have that makes my brain happy other than my dogs. My dogs have saved you all from a version of myself I am glad I never got to know. However, if I do not have my potential to explore what is to stop me from exploring the revenge I have dreamed and fantasized about my whole life. The only people I know who have grown up like me are literal serial killers. I have more in common with Jeffery Dahmer, Ted Bundy, and Charles Manson than any of you people. Plus, I was breed for great evil and genetically modified.

Grace can only last so long.


Nicole Graves

You Know What Is Scary?

My family cult torturing me is normal, but you know what is really scary? The fact that children are still experiencing some of the things I have endured. Children have been taken out of my Truman Show for months now because their energy tells tales. Last week, I owed the dogs a walk so I took them walking in the morning before work. Thurston Middle school was just starting and I got to see the children and some of them training for the war games.

One girl passed me walking down Thurston Road. She had an intact emotional spectrum and could understand my point of view. Most adults cannot understand my views because they are clouded by greed, power, control, destruction, domination, jealousy, and so many other negative factors. I do not view these factors as valid reasons to partake in the war games. I have everything to gain from being motivated by negative factors and yet it is not something I can do. Even this week I told one of my co-workers that I need to sleep at night so I cannot push myself to be too pushy of a salesperson with people who have been dealt a difficult hand of cards. I can relate to these people, these are my people. I cannot take advantage of them. If I did I would be validating all the people who have taken advantage of me.

This is what you all are doing. You have been hurt, you have been kept small, and the only way you can feel better about yourself and your life is to hurt others. This is wrong and maladaptive. The only real way to feel good about yourself is to improve yourself and your life with daily actions. Hurting others is illogical. If others are hurting that is not going to alleviate your pain. Misery loves company, but I don’t want that kind of company. Do you?

When you enjoy my pain and/or making my life more difficult, it means you have pain that has not been addressed and resolved. Emotional work is hard and I understand why you all do not want to do it, but it really is the high road. The high road is rarely the road more traveled, but I guarantee the scenery makes up for it 100 times.

I may not be able to convince you all to take the high road, but I can show you how it is done. Grace has the power to make the world a better place. We all can think of at least one situation where someone else having grace would have changed everything. Be the change you want to see.

Love Always

Nicole Graves

P.S. Pay attention to your right cheek on your face. When your lymphatic system is backing up it will feel tight and tingly, your right eye may even twitch. This will literally help you identify who is toxic around you. These are the people who will hurt you when they are hurt. Awareness is the first step in any kind of healing.

Dear Mom & Ryan

Dear Mom & Ryan,

Why do you hate me? My whole life it has always been you two against me and I never understood why. I thought that my freedom was just getting away from our family, never did I imagine you all would follow me no matter where I went. I will never understand why you do not love me because I love you both more than you all will ever understand. My Mom has seen parts of this love. When I first met Ryan when he was born my Mom saw how magical I saw him to be. “It’s like meeting a stranger you already know.”

My love has always been a threat. My smarts have always been a threat. My emotional intelligence has always been a threat. I am the biggest threat and yet I never intended to be anything other than myself. I just want to be the best me I can be. Sure I was fed idealistic information and views of the world, but I also embody it. I am proof you can be good even when born into darkness. And it is my burden to always be the odd man out in my family because of this.


Nicole Graves

Is My Best Friend From Grade School Still Alive?

Is my best friend from grade school still alive? She was like me, but more artsy. Her coming down with seizures right after her Grandfather died was not a coincidence, huh? I always liked her Mom, but now I see they were all just to meant to minimize my pain and partake in breaking me. However, now I see just how far they will go. Whatever happened to their middle child? She was a really nice girl who was constantly swimming upstream and did not know about this crazy stuff until going away to college. When she came home after being away the way she looked at me and Amanda was completely different, fear based.

Well Eugene, I came back from the dead again. You would think I would be used to this by now, but it is still just as shocking for me. Withholding information drives me nuts and yet it is my family cult’s favorite way to control a situation. What do you all think about the fact that I am still alive? It says a lot, huh? Are you questioning things now?


Nicole Graves

People Watching At Kesey Square In Eugene

The lady at work is just like my Mom. Even down to her fiddling with her fingers when she is nervous. So, whatever she says I just pretty much know the opposite is true. Unless it is about work and then she will give me more information than needed to make things complicated as a pattern interrupt.

Today at work, she told me about going to a cemetery for her Aunt who died on 9-11(I am still not sure what 9-11 was about, but I figured it had something to do with my family cult and keeping you all in a fear state). Anyways, I knew this was a covert message where they were trying to get me to stay around my dead people and not go out. The thing is that my dead people follow me where ever I go. It is like my family knew I would get lonely in this lifetime, so they gave me head surgery to give me the dead people.

So I went down to downtown Eugene to Kesey Square and there was live music. What a perfect place to people watch. I saw you all living your lives like you are not serial killers, but that is what you always have done. This is how you sleep at night, you tell yourself what you do is normal and acceptable. When did poisoning people become overwhelmingly normal? Around World War II here in the United States, huh?

I saw today that you all are missing a sense of self. This is something I can relate to very much. Autism means I often have blinders when it comes to me and my abilities. But then again maybe this is just the brainwashing because you all have it too. At least those of you who have not developed a cluster b personality disorder. Anyways, this lack of a sense of self is what keeps you seeking validation outside yourself and seeking approval from your community. I have never had a sense of community and plus I saw how my family preyed on others who just wanted to belong. I also spent almost a lifetime looking for community, but when I moved to the desert I stopped seeking. Why keep looking for something that did not exist? I am never going to be considered one of you all, but at least now I understand why.

What will it take for you all to get fed up and develop a sense of self? Perhaps something like the fear of taking accountability for not only your sins, but the sins of the collective. Your sense of community is not so attractive when you are faced with the possibility of having to take accountability for it all. Where will that community be when you need them the most? Do you think they will write to you in jail? Will they put in a good word for you with the cult members who run the people in there? Showing support is pretty overt and not really their style. However, I bet this is enough to make some of you all question the reality you have allowed yourself to be backed into.

Fear is a sign something is wrong!


Nicole Graves

Thursday Thoughts

In 2017 I was dying alone in Vegas with my two dogs. That was a hard moment where I had to decide how I wanted to handle the situation. Either I gave up and died or I kept trying because I had not completed everything I was here to do. It was literally a moment where I felt God talking to me and telling me I was not done here and giving up would be complete failure. So, I tried and kept trying. I have been using my motto of “Just Keep Going” since.

Today, it hit me! This is what I had to live for. And I made it. I know this sounds super cheesy, but if I even reached a handful of people and made them think. I really made a difference. I am not giving up, but just reflecting on everything.



Find Yourself

I drove to Eugene this morning before work to see the people. All I see is concern and it is not concern for me, but rather self preservation. You all do not know who you are. I realized today that I am not the only one that has experienced brainwashing my whole life, you all have too. However, my brain works differently so not all the brainwashing works/worked. So let me tell you what I know.

You are not your name or your bloodline. You are who you are inside, where no one can see. No one can tell you who you are, unless you allow them to. Yes, there are tricks my family cult can use to light up your brain. But dear lord just take everything anyone else says with a grain of salt.

Has anyone ever explained NLP to you? It is literally how you have been brainwashed, how we all have been brainwashed. When the world went dark in the 1980s everyone started telling me who I was. They did it before the world went dark, but afterwards they started telling me I was dark. Did they do the same thing to you? I assume so because why would you accept such darkness without thinking you had something to do with it?

“So, I stumbled down the NLP rabbit hole after reading an article advocating the use of NLP in not only sales and marketing but also as a way to influence people and “get ahead in life”. Immediately, my mind went to narcspeak and word salad and word garbage and all those terms we use to describe how a narcissist can twist a conversation to serve a purpose. By speaking just a few words in a specific tone and sometimes by not speaking at all, a narcissist can distract, confuse and manipulate an innocent target into backing down, giving up or apologizing for EVERYTHING.  The nefarious similarities between the manipulative nature of narcspeak and the mind-control headiness of NLP were astounding. I had to wonder…like the chicken and the egg, what came first, narcissism or NLP? Did some diabolical, self-aware narcissist in the 70’s decide to sell the concept of narcspeak manipulation to the public under the guise of self-help and make a few million? Given the crazy and somewhat gruesome origins of NLP, this is exactly what happened.” ~Article linked below

NLP worked on me even with my abnormal brain functioning. That is until I consciously learned about it! Isn’t it a good idea to educate yourself on when others are trying to influence you? The first step in knowing who you are is realizing when other people are telling you who you are. I am sure those of you who grew up in the war games will be like “Yah, I do that, but in positive ways.” Me too! I just never knew what I was doing. I know everyone in the world isn’t like my family. I have read statistics and I hope we are the exception to the rule. My Truman Show has some pretty crazy out of whack demographics, but it makes for an interesting show.

What have they told you all about not buying insurance from me? Dare I confront the elephant in the room. Is this an acceptable covert war tactic? It seems a bit overt. I guess all I can do is ask you all to be revolutionary and buy some insurance and hope I reach enough people who do not know about the war games. It is up to the odds and the Gods. All I can do is keep going and doing the best I can with what I have.

Check out the article below and start finding yourself. You deserve to know you!


Nicole Graves

So Let Me Get This Straight #593

Okay so let me get this straight. My parents lied to me because they created a child that they could not control. I was literally created, genetically modified, and I turned on them so they have been punishing me for a lifetime….And they now want to kill me because I havent’t had children and really don’t want to. So basically every time someone said “You can be whatever you want to be.” to me growing up they were just fucking lying. My only freedom was to have children and I do not want children. I like my dogs very much.

Can you imagine being lied to, tortured, abused, and kept small your whole life and then finding out that you were not the problem like they always told you. Why are my parents alive again? I mean I know socialism and communism are not a democracy but all politics should be logical, at least to some extent. The fact that you all are trying to kill the lab rat and letting the mad scientists run free seems a bit fishy. But I am no politician or war lord.

I am just a human who wants to live her best life. I never understood the world and have spent 40 years trying to understand it. Now I realize it was just the brainwashing I was trying to overcome. Well, and the life long gang stalking. So many people have tried to use me to make their lives better or increased my pain for their pleasure. I just want to buy a house and live with my dogs and sell insurance. Maybe get my Oregon real estate license. Maybe move to the California coast. I say these things that seem like not asking for much at all, but yet my desires always seem to make me break the rules. But how am I supposed to follow rules I do not know and no one will tell me?

We all are in a tough situation. I am just fighting to be me and be free to an extent I have never experienced before. I want to experience an even playing field where I do not have to be two or three times as good as others just to make it. I have fought my whole life and I will never be average, but until I can get free of my family I will be destined for average. Don’t the rest of you wonder where you would be if you had not had to war against the destruction while exploring your potential? I love multitasking but sometimes it is nice not to Have to do it.

One day, one day…


Nicole Graves

The Socratic Method

I figured out why my outburst about sexual abuse was so revolutionary when I was 4. The Socrates and Plato dynamic is how my family cult keeps men in line and grooms them to be the leaders of our family cult. I always knew that the men in my family had some weird tendencies, but never in my life would I have guessed that it steams from sexual abuse they eventually accept as normal.

In college I had a gay friend who told me my boyfriend at the time had asked him to have sex when he was high on coke. I really did not think about it too much because I thought he was just one occurrence and it was just another example of how I need to make better choices. He was not alone in this tendency, huh?

When we went camping as an extended family when I was younger all p.c. behavior was pretty much thrown out the window. Everyone got to be free from something. My Uncles and Aunts and Mom used to tease the boys and call them “butt buddies” and other names like this. I never understood these phrases/names. Why joke about this stuff? Well, now I understand it was to normalize it.

My sexual abuse experience that made me speak out was when my Grandpa Kudearoff took me and my cousin J “hunting”. There was no hunting involved just abuse and the threats of being stranded in the middle of nowhere in the woods. This somehow becomes normalized with age, huh?

Does the sexual abuse ever stop? And why do the ethnic boys enjoy it more? Is it the only time they feel powerful?


Nicole Graves

There Will Be More Like Me

Aspergers is caused by over exposure to toxins during pregnancy.

Today my Brother used me as a training tool for Aunt L’s grandson. However, our family will have more like me. It may be him that experiences having a daughter like me, but it is bound to happen to someone in my family. It is going to become more and more common as time goes on and the war games continue.

Toxins surround us and we inherit heavy metals, parasites, and viruses from our Mothers and Grandmothers. I am just a preview of what is to come.


Nicole Graves

Family Meeting

We had a family meeting yesterday at my Mom’s house. This was to make me feel like the problem and the outsider. The problem has always been me when it comes to my Mom and Brother. I may never understand the covert war out in the world, but I do understand my family dynamics. My Brother had an outburst in the meeting because he thinks I should just give up and let him kill me. He tried to scare me with the information that Aunt L’s grandson was coming over today to help him with the roof. Then it all fell into place. My Aunt L is in charge of the family since my Mom failed with me. My Brother has always loved Aunt L just more than our Mom, but I never understood till now. It is because she has more to offer him, than my Mom.

Aunt N is not in charge. I need to remember if the 2nd doesn’t work out the 1st is acceptable. And it probably goes the opposite as well. Who ever made these rules had good intentions to try to keep the checks and balances in place, but all they really did was create a motive for murder.

This is why they got upset when I mentioned suicide. My Mom and Uncle J have been pretty tortured since their parents died. When my grandma Kudearoff died, my Aunt L got to take over. And when my parents seperated and were getting divorced my Dad went to live with Aunt L and Uncle J. This is why my Mom told me the other day that her and my brother have survived this house I should be able to do it too.

It’s my Godmother who wants to kills me.


Nicole D Graves

P.S. Aunt L does not like the owner where I work. She made fun of him for being gittery. What is the story line there?

I Don’t Understand Covert War

I don’t understand covert war. I have tried so hard to wrap my mind around it, but it just does not compute. I just don’t get it. Kind of like I don’t understand why people lie. Why not be who you are? And do what you say you will do? Or be the person you say you are? Isn’t it easier just to be rather than to pretend? Covert warfare takes up so much energy. Don’t you get exhausted?

I have collected and presented the fact this year in an effort to make sense of why people are trying to kill me and have been so confusing my whole life. People have been my special interest because they are confusing and so far from logical that I really do not think I will ever fully grasp the human species.

There are a few of you I still have hope for, but I know that my hope will never be rewarded with kindness. I do have hope that one day someone will be honest with me and be like yeah this sucks you got a bad hand. But people will always tell me I am the problem and the one lacking.

I was the happiest at the Death camp than I have ever been. Yes, it was hard to survive, but none of the people there who tried to kill me pretended to love me. Sure they were nice on rare occasions, but that is only when they felt me slipping away. Emotions confuse me. Mostly because people have used emotions to brainwash me into thinking I am the one in the wrong.

Being around my Mom makes me want to ask, “Why do you not love me?” She loves my Brother. They both seem to have this alliance more than love. If my Mom behaves, my Brother will allow her to partake in destroying me. Because when she leaves the house she is the one who is looked down upon and Shunned like me. You would think she would understand more.

The world does not understand me and I do not understand the world. It is what it is, right? My desire to try to make sense of it all is just getting me punished/destroyed more.


Nicole D Graves

P.S. Always remember your heart and the way people make you feel, not what they say!

Don’t Drink The Water

Does the water at your house make your lips burn and tingle after drinking it? This is the chemical they use to make people go “crazy”. It was in the tap water at my work too. When my Brother has all his water bottles clean on the kitchen counter, I know something is up. This is the chemical they have used on me for a lifetime. Move your lymphatic system and breath. Do not let anyone get you sucked into an argument just because your heart rate/blood pressure is higher than normal. Use this as a moving mediation of sorts that helps you with fasting and loosing weight. As a child I learned to count my heartbeats as I was going to sleep. This is something that can be used when awake as well as a self soothing method. Focus on your heartbeat, your breath, and come into your body focusing on your core. What they want is to get you discombobulated. The more you breath the more control you have.

The next few weeks are really important for me at work. This is why things are getting way worse. Well, that and I have been “speaking my mind” here. Freewill is only so much. However, the ability to believe in myself is the greatest part of freewill. If you don’t believe it, it won’t happen and that is a self fulfilling prophecy. When you are surrounded by people who cut you down so that you conform to their dark ways, remember why you started! Remember who you are when you found yourself in the desert. You are more than my family cult will ever admit because that would mean you would be empowered. You are powerful, good may not be as flashy as the dark side, but it has hidden magic that can save your soul.

I may have needed this pep talk as much as you. Thank you to everyone who reads/hears my blog. I appreciate you, even if you are on the dark side. Because taking in my words is allowing me to show you my perspective. And I may not change your mind now, but I have forever changed you. Information changes people, this is why my family cult is so into withholding information. Be brave, learn something new this weekend that will make your life better.


Nicole D. Graves

P.S. My family cult wants you to forget who you are and accept who they tell you you are. It’s a trap!

I Am Doing This Because I Love You

My Grandma Kudearoff did not love me, she was merely communist and a covert narcissist. Narcissists/Sociopaths partake in sales and emotions are their weapons. This is why I am at my Mom’s because I still have hope that she loves me. I have spent many hours trying to figure out why I was born to two people who not only do not care for me, but they really hate me. Well, on this adventure I discovered why they hate me. And I can even logically understand their train of thought, but that does not make it hurt any less. If anything it hurts more. Not only are my parents like this, but there are many parents out there like them who view destruction as love. It is a bit overwhelming.

And then there is my Grandma Kudearoff who showed my brain what love was supposed to feel like. Using nlp, sales techniques, and love as a weapon my Grandma made me feel loved and protected as a child. I needed this, but she also needed this to keep my Mom in check. It is all about power and control and lighting up people’s brains.

My Mom’s version of this was to tell me she was beating me because she loved me when I was little. This is the most confusing experience for your brain. Love does not hurt, but this trains your brain to think it does. This is the roots of Communism. We do this because we love you. When in realty there is no love only hate and destruction.

My Mom called me a drug addict, a dry drunk, and a bad dog mom yesterday. It is annoying and hurtful, but she did get me to concede to no longer talking about the poison in the house. Which really is because she would just play dumb and get mad on the inside. Her act was not working and I was getting nowhere. The thing about suicide really got to them. How can they get mad at me for speaking the truth? Oh wait that is exactly how I got myself into this mess at age 4.

Life is just a series of patterns.


Nicole D. Graves

“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius—and a lot of courage—to move in the opposite direction.” — E. F. Schumacker

We Will Kill You And Make Another One Just Like You

So yesterday I said something pretty impactual. But isn’t the truth always supposed to be impactual?I do not understand why my family feels entitled to torturing people and killing them, but they do. You would think that it is common sense that we are not supposed to kill our family members let alone people in general.

The owner at work told me I needed to call people I know to quote them insurance and get the system down over a week ago. Did he know that I would get glimpses of their evil when I talk to them? I put it off for a week, but I gave in and called this week because I need to learn. I am starting to understand that most people do not feel all the things I do. I mean I knew this, but I can never gauge where others are. Reality is relative.

When my Mom gave me the list of referrals she knew that I was going to make people uncomfortable. This was her goal. She wanted everyone else to feel like she does. I am chore that is never completed. When I was little they used to tell me. “We will kill you and make another one just like you.” Well, they were lying with me because of my birthright, but for most of you they were telling the truth. A lady working checkout at Sprouts in Santa Fe told me about how she was taking care of her grandchild because her son was dead and she covertly hinted something about it all. She killed her son, but waited for him to have a child first. And she even had a tattoo memorializing her son. So what they have tried to do to me, they do to a lot of people. I am not alone in my pain, but I may be in my survival.

My Aunt L almost went through the roof when my Mom invited her over for dinner when I passed my insurance test. However, my Mom did not tell Aunt L about me passing my test till we all were seated at the table because she wanted to see her face/reaction. Seeing others pain is a show to be seen for most of my family.

Work dynamics are interesting, but I figured them out. When I was really young and my parents still kind of liked one another, my Dad used to get mad at my Mom for being so overtly into destruction. This is what is happening at work. The lady and young man I work with are too overtly into destruction and the owner wants to be more covert. They all poison me at work and then look at me like I am the idiot when I am not successful at sales.

This has happened to me my whole life. People poison me, I get sick, and they get mad at me for getting sick. It is such a weird dynamic. However, I am not supposed to say a word about anything. I should just take it. This was the theme for my relationships with Tae H. Roe, Anthony Ryan Payne, Ryan Traw, and Tristan Purvis(this is the one my family killed). They all tried to kill me, but through the years I started asking for more in return. Now I am at a place where I have been given everything possible with a side of destruction and it just was never enough. I want to be treated well, shoot maybe loved and/or liked.

The lady at work is nice to me like my Mom is nice to me. I appreciate the help with learning, but I have to keep my distance. I understand she thinks getting close to me is a good idea and something she will be rewarded for, but it is not. My family cult will just torture her more if I allow her to get closer. I am sure people are a fun, but for me they are prison guards.

You know this would be a lot easier if I knew what the rules were and what the goal is. Sidenote, I am starting to think that what they were planning here in the 1980’s when the world went dark has been moved over to Utah. The people there had a lot to say with their energy, but it was different than the people here in so many ways. But this is just a guess. However, my guesses seem to be getting better than I can gauge sometimes.


Nicole D. Graves

Sell You On Destruction

I am lacking in humanity because I have experienced so much hurt in my life. But I normally pretty good at making the most of a bad situation and overcoming my contempt of people, at least over the phone. However, they have poisoned so much lately. It is exhausting. I just want to live a good life, be healthy, and work, but I always have people trying to sabotage me so it gets frustrating. I have given up caring about almost everything because everything I care about will be taken away or warred on. This is what my family cult does to everyone, not just me. This is how they get you all to give up your humanity for good. This is how they sell you on destruction.

This morning my mom was boiling salsa before 7am. Nightshades in the air like that cause autoimmune reactions. My Jeep was broken into again today and my tea and rock star in there were poisoned. Do you know how exhausting it is to be around people who hate you because of what you represent, but they act nicely on the surface. It hurts and it is exhausting. I just want to be a real human I have never gotten to be a real human. I am so tired of people enjoying my pain because it is not even my pain they are enjoying. They are enjoying the feeling of being powerful. Because they feel powerless and making others hurt is the only way they can feel alive. It hurts to see these people in so much pain. They aren’t enjoying my pain, they are trying to deal with their own pain. It is so sad and it is draining because I can see their pain. We all have pain. But we all do not deal with it the same. Being human is hard and something I constantly work at. I hope you do too.

Happy Friday!


Nicole Graves


Suicide Runs In My Family

My family has been trying to kill me and poisoning me to get me to loose hope and kill myself since childhood. I lived alone in a house in the Thurston hills during middle school and high school. This is when they tried to torment me to death with their gases and poisons seriously. I would like to say that it was the first time, but it was just the first time they left me alone and did not have to endure the toxins themselves, so they upped the anty.

People do not kill themselves in my family and connected families because we are a lost cause. They do not kill themselves at all, they are murdered.



P.S. Writing is my way of putting the pieces together. As a child, I learned to cope with the isolation by writing. I am sorry to everyone who I hurt, but honestly you all would hurt me to save yourselves. So can you really blame me for partaking in something that helps me keep it together? Because you do it too.

You Know Not To Touch The Steering Wheel, Right?

I had been wondering why my steering wheel has been making my lips numb again, but I honestly had not thought of it too much. “Poison happens” is the motto when you have lived my life. So, the midwestern guy at work from a fancy ethnic Nazi family paid me back with poisoning my car today. It’s not the first time. There is a large reason why my Jeep has one custom seat and no carpet. This has been happening since I started driving. Wouldn’t it be nice for my family cult if I just died in a car wreck? How convenient to not have to be accountable for their sins once again, are you noticing the theme here?

Today, I started calling my family and some friends of the family to quote them insurance. This is something I just did not want to give in and do because I can feel their sins when I hear their voices, it’s weird. I never assumed my family was full of serial killers, but now I am seeing things I never saw before. The lighting has changed on my whole life, thus changing the script. Which honestly is not a bad thing, because it just felt wrong before. Not that this isn’t wrong but this is at least logical to a certain degree. As I type this my fingers are being poisoned and my lips are going numb and tingly. My Mom or Brother must have got my keyboard with their poison. Have you ever noticed the sensations in your body and how they correlate to what is happening on the outside that is beyond your control? And how they relate to your emotions and the internal dialogue in your head? Try it, it is good for the soul!

Today, I found my mojo again. I spoke with strangers and family at work and finally got the system down for writing auto and home quotes. Thank God! I was waiting for everything to click. And it finally did. Am I out of the dark? No not yet, but I am close and getting closer by the day. I may never understand what is happening or why, but I do know that insurance can get me out of this really weird situation I call a birthright and I just have to keep going. There is a camera by my desk at work that should document the poisoning from the lady I work with. I am unsure as to where the records are sent or if they are saved, but if there is someone who has access to the cloud of video please check it for me. The Certain one and the California family she is from probably have an enemy somewhere that would like to use this information. My family cult does love to send people away for the war crimes they make them commit.

To all the people who smiled and waved at me in April and May, early on in the adventure, thank you. I think of you all often, especially those in the redwoods. My Truman Show is designed to make me think there are no other people in the world who agree that my family cult is wrong. I know I am not alone. We all do what we have to do, but occasionally I still see someone who lights up with hope just slightly when they see me. I wish you all hope because hope is a priceless thing.

Never second guess your heart, follow it.


Nicole D. Graves

P.S. To my family: I have played your covert games for a lifetime. It is time to play your games and support me in my endeavors, but please do not be emotional when you get on the phone with me. When you are emotional and I hear the hatred in your voice the pieces fall into place about your war crimes/sins. I don’t want to know anymore. Get better at faking it for Christ’s sakes!

Morning Mind Dump

The lady I work with poisons me while I am at work. But the things is she only does it a lot when the owner is not there. Why is this? I am still trying to figure out the dynamics of this work environment and the war games there.

The lady is my age ish and no kids, but she is from the Certain One’s family line. How has she gotten away with not getting married and having children? I mean she has PCOS and Insulin resistance big time and is a carb eater so her gut bacteria will be the end of her and she is growing cancer currently. How do you tell someone that they have cancer and you know because you can feel her body? The young guy at work is not as sick as a lot of the ethnic families, but I have met a woman from his family and she was beyond unwell. However, his family line is more reflective of my Dad’s family so they must be descendents of an important Nazi. The guy is swelling because his liver is fatty and his gut bacteria is having a symbiotic relationship thus absorbing the toxins that overflow into the gut. He is still super fixable, but he doesn’t know how to fix it. He has even said stuff about having a hard time going to the gym and loosing weight. This is what happens the Candida makes it hard to loose weight. It is really interesting to see them destroy me knowing that they are getting even for all the unfairness they have experienced. But is it really getting even, because they are still apart of the destruction. They poison the owner too. They have started using a poison they used on me my whole life. This is the reason I was on anxiety pills most of my life. They all want me to fail. The lady poisoned my rock star, tea cup, and my headset yesterday. This is not the first time. They did this to me in Arizona when I did real estate too. I just have to get into my groove and calm down and go slow. They are also trying to get me to eat at work but you know I hate eating at work even when I am not being poisoned. Plus, them eating rice is just feeding the fire for all the bacteria, viruses, mold, cancer cells, and basically anything “bad” to grow in the body. So, they are literally destroying themselves in an effort to destroy me. Oh and the air is chemical laden there. Did I tell you all I had a sales job at a HVAC company is Arizona right before covid hit? The war games run strong nationwide.

I can’t figure out if I actually send my resume in to apply for this job or if this was a set up too? No matter what I do for work they poison me. There is no reason to give up, but I wonder if this is just apart of my Truman Show. How are the people like the owner involved in the war games? He is ex military and apart of one of the family lines that have tried to destroy me for decades. But he has control over the young man and the woman who work there. Ethnic/Nazi people are mostly not allowed to be successful, so you would think that they would understand my desire for a comfortable life. Or at least a life where I get to sleep inside with covers and maybe even in a bed. At the death camp I slept with one flat sheet and on top of a heated blanket with all the windows open and a homemade air filter. I did this for almost the whole time I sold real estate. So yes I will have to adjust to get even playing ground. I have never been on even playing ground, but I sure have to do a lot of fancy footwork to get as close as possible. I have been really good at my diet. The chemical they are currently using makes me not hungry this is why I was so skinny for so long. Plus, they poison my food more so why would I want to eat much? Eventually I will give in and eat something, but not till I have time off from work. Maybe this is why Sundays dinners are such a big deal!

So yeah overall I am still alive and still kicking and still doing the things. Albert from HMC, I have been thinking about you a lot. Big Hugs. I understand why you were such a chaos filled salesman now. You are amazing and they were cutting you down. I had no clue, but I loved just the same because you were always kind to me. Thank you for being you. I hope you won and are doing well. Wish me luck in this battle more of us fight than I ever realized.

Well off to shower and drink my tea. Life is not always a struggle, but when it is remember to breath and keep going. Nothing lasts forever.

Love Always

Nicole Graves

Compare Apples To Apples

You know that saying about all suffering being the same? It’s a lie. Not all pain is equal. I am an instance in the war games where I was dealt a pretty lame hand of cards, but you know what? I still think about those who have it worse. I understand you all will do what you have to to others to get yourself to a desirable place, but you know that is just a biological misfiring right? This is merely an effect of increased cortisol levels and toxins in the system. Sure there are calming techniques, but life is always easier when you do not have to overcome biological warfare. We are built from the biology up.

Think about the things I saw in the group home! I grew up covertly locked in a bedroom for the 14/15 years of my life that I lived with my parents, only brought out for public/family events and for abuse. These kids had it worse. It is covert warfare so some of it seems “normal”, but it is not normal just merely normalized. Any of us could have ended up in one of those homes. All it takes is saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, look at me! We are blessed to be able to be free even in a covert way. And one day we will be blessed with so much more.

Sweet dreams of realities of the future!


Nicole Graves

The Majority Of My Desturbances

All my things are poisoned: my bedding, clothes, dogs, food, water, pot, rock stars, tea, showers, etc. Everyday I am at war, but my life has been like this since I can remember. However, now I know who I am at war against.

I am not going to fight back and join in on your games. I am sorry I just cannot because I understand humanity is a slippery slope once you start justifying hurting people. I know I am the extreme minority when I say these things and I know I will be punished and poisoned more. I have never experienced long periods of clean anything really, so this is not new. Now, I just know you all are the cause of the majority of my desturbances in my life.

As a human being it is my decision on how I react to the situation at hand. I have a job. I have my two dogs. I have my health. I have the knowledge on how to survive this kind of life. I have some freedoms and a few civil liberties. With my bloodline this is more than they ever wanted or expected me to have. I have made it farther than anyone would have guessed. My Mom always knew this day was coming. She always was big on me not being so into revenge and hating my Dad for how he treated me. Honestly, it is so hurtful to be born to such hateful people. My whole life I have just wished and dreamed of a family that could love. If you have that be grateful. In this society, experiencing real love is priceless and changes people.

I never planned on coming out of my shell. I was happy enough being an angry person who focused on money and my freedom. However, when I got my first rescue dog in 2014 my world changed beyond anything I could have ever imagined. Love changes everything and I had never experienced real love before. Sure my family is covertly super nice and supportive, but it does not feel like anything. I mean don’t get me wrong this is way better than when they were physically, emotionally, or mentally abusive overtly, but it is still not healthy or right. But once again I can only control the way I react. I cannot change others or how they choose to react to the things in theirs lives.

I can only control me. It took me a couple years of wandering the desert to really get this one. To truly understand the dynamics of people I think you need to be away from people and just be with yourself for a long periods of time. At least that is what brought clarity for me. We are all different. But I can acknowledge you have to get far away from the crazy before you can shed the crazy in yourself.

We all are just out here doing what we feel we got to do! However, love changes Everything.

Love Always

Nicole D. Graves

Wednesday Morning

Yesterday at work, the young guy from the midwest showed his true colors when he enjoyed my pain. I have told you all not to do this around me because it gives me a window into your soul and family lineage. I warned you to be human.

So everyone at my work is involved in the war games by birthright. The young guy is from middle America, Ohio. I have met someone from his family in Sierra Vista, Az when I was working at the group home and going to real estate school. Also, what do the last names Cruz and Craft mean? Because there were kids like me in group homes. Thanks again to the guy there that told me about Aspergers. He kind of made this all possible.

I play stupid everyday. But you know what, I am the one who has survived all the poison and attempted murder. Maybe instead of enjoying my pain you should ask me for tips on how to survive these things that you are bound to experience by birthright too. No one escapes the destruction.


Nicole D. Graves