Sunday August 7th 2022 Moon in Sagittarius Sun in Leo Food The Weapon Of Destruction Holding Us All Back

I cracked the code! EUREKA! I finally figured out the food weapon of destruction puzzle. It has only taken 41 years, but it finally fell into place last night. There are so many pieces. I am sure I will leave something out but I took a few notes so bare with me while I try to make this simple.

Epigenetics are the easiest to manipulate by changing what you eat. The skinnier you are the better your epigenetics. Overweight people have worse epigenetics. Basically anytime you eat you are effecting your epigenetics. And it’s not as much about what you eat as how often you eat. Someone starving has better epigenetics than someone just a little overweight. Less is truly more when it comes to food. You can eat big portions but you can’t est that often. Think midevil times when they would have feasts. They ate a lot, but they didn’t snack and they didn’t feast every day.

In the 1970s, people were relatively healthy. At least they were way healthier than they are today. Did you know kids born today have a shorter life expectancy than their parents? It’s the first time in history this has ever happened. If this doesn’t scream that we are doing something incredibly wrong I dont know what does.

Anyways in the 1970s, there was no snacking. They ate 3 meals a day. In the 1980s, snacking was introduced. And then the idea that we need to eat every two hours and the food pyramid. This is when health problems started to increase significantly. Fatty liver became something that was common in people who weren’t alcoholics for the first time in history. Diabetes became an epidemic and all other autoimmune diseases started to become commonplace. Also, in the 1980s Genetically modified foods became common place. This was one of the key factors in the rise of autoimmune diseases like diabetes. Also processed foods became more commonplace as well with added sugars and salt which both spike insulin. So the 1980s is when it all started to go downhill.

My whole life I have been kept bored, lonely, and without potential. This is by design. We all are kept small, have our experiences limited, and our genuine connections to humans are also limited. Add these to our C Diff infection that changes the way our brain processes dopamine making us addicts by design and default and we are always searching for comfort and dopamine. It’s not your fault you are wired to do this. This is how we are set up to fail and self destruct. Well, it’s one of the largest ways there are many others.

So you are an addict always searching for comfort and dopamine. Social norms are used to lead you towards the things that will destroy you while profiting the system of destruction. When you see someone doing something your brain fires as if you are doing the thing. Mirror neurons make you human, but they also can be used against you. So your whole life you have seen people eating all the time. You were taught three meals a day with snacks. So you mirror what you have seen your whole life. Marketing, commercials, grocery store ads, TV, radio, etc. Everywhere talks about food and eating. The people around you at work eat all the time. Everyone eats all the time. It’s only abnormal when someone doesn’t eat and then you wonder what’s wrong with them. We have been conditioned to think more is better. When really more is killing us on an epigenetic level.

Autism is not just an epigenetic disease of the brain, it effects the nervous system. My Autism is different than you all’s Autism. Your C Diff infection will never make you smart like me or have as much of an overactive nervous system. You will die from chronic illness or a colon obstruction before you ever become like me. Your Autism was designed to keep you small and weak. And dont get me wrong my Autism is not all amazing, it too comes with great costs.

Remember how I said my nervous system made me more aware of the food issues/problems. Well, I was right. Your digestive system has it’s own nervous system. It’s called the enteric nervous system. There are a shit ton of nerves in your digestion and it connects with the vagus nerve.

The vagus nerve is a huge deal. If you have anxiety, it’s your vagus nerve. Your vagus nerve allows your nervous system and body to switch between parasympathetic and sympathetic responses. Basically are you relaxed or are you reactive. When you are in a reactive state aka sympathetic, your digestion slows down and/or stops. You dont feel those nerves in your digestion because your body is in a fight or flight response. So you all are less sensitive to the nerves you have. And on top of that you are kept in a stressed state so that you are numb to the damage you are doing to your digestion and your body.

When you are in a stressed state, you look towards food for comfort. Food lowers your cortisol. It’s an amazing tool to relax and can help turn on your parasympathetic nervous system. However, if you are constantly using food to calm down that means you are just perpetuating a cycle of getting stressed turning on your sympathetic nervous system aka fight or flight and then using food to turn on your parasympathetic nervous system to relax. It’s a vicious cycle. I have been there. It sucks. It feels like hell because you just want relief. And then your other hormones are all over the place because your stressed and eating all the time. You feel stuck and dont know where to turn. And your addicted to your emotions because your insulin levels are all over the place. Its literally a special kind of help.

Pretty much all food is designed to feed our C Diff infections. I have yet to find a completely safe food. And I have spent a long time looking. The more we eat, the more we feed our c diff infections, and the more diseased and attached to things we get. Materialism is literally feed by the food you eat. Our economy is reliant on you eating and feeding your c diff infection. Pretty crazy right? The most revolutionary thing you can do is skip meals and eat less. The systems of destruction and the economy are banking on you being an addict and feeding your c diff infection. They are banking on you having weak kidneys, because c diff weakens your kidneys. And in Chinese medicine kidneys represent fear. If you have weak kidneys you will live in fear and anxiety. And that will make you eat more.

Our whole economy needs to change. We need to value potential. And this all starts with what you eat. Changing the world means changing what you fuel your body with. You are the revolution.

Building wealth and prosperity is not the enemy. People have been doing these things since the beginning of time. However, buying useless stuff and filling your body with poison has got to stop if you want potential in any form. Until you stop poisoning yourselves, my Dad and the systems of destruction will have power over us all. We all need to reject the comforts we have been conditioned to seek to replace the void of not having our potential in any form. The world will never change unless you do.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

Saturday August 6th 2022 Moon in Scorpio Sun in Leo No Way Around

Last night, I had a lot of realizations. I have been through a lot this year and I really dont give myself enough credit or lead way. June and July were the hardest months of this whole adventure/revolution. My health failed almost as much as in March when Amber was trying to kill me. Ever since getting to Oregon I have been on a yoyo ov health and healing. My Mom trying to kill me with coffee, cream, salami, salt, etc was intense because it was all things I grew up eating and I didn’t understand what was happening. Again in March when I started eating cooked food Again I swelled up and didn’t understand what was happening. Especially when I gained almost 10lbs in a weekend. Who gains 10lbs in a weekend? Then the last couple months when I realized I can digest more things than I ever imagined. It hasn’t been the food, its been the poisons my whole life. I mean dont get me wrong there are a lot of foods I can’t or dont want to eat because of my c diff, but overall I have pretty amazing digestion.

Then on top of it all, I need to take into account the emotional ramifications of all these realizations and incidents. Emotionally it’s a lot. How many times has someone tried to kill you? How many people have told you they love and care for you just to get you to put your guard down so they can try to kill you? For me its been a lifetime of people. However now that I understand what is happening its different. Its almost harder in a way. To know the cruelty of the world first hand and to only have interacted with people who wish death on you is pretty heavy. I mean its always been like this, but now its different. Now people are more desperate because there is more on the line. I wonder if they get punished by my Dad for not killing me? I’m not sure how it works, but they act like their life is on the line. And in a way their way of life is on the line. Change is hard and we all resist changing at times.

So June and July were the hardest because I thought I had found a way out. The job at B and R Autowrecking was easy and so far from from rocket science and there was commission. This is why they were keeping me small and not teaching me the computer system. If I got on the phones I would have succeeded.

I was so focused on finding a way out I stressed myself out and got emotional. I had my eyes on the prize and I could see it within reach. However, there is no way out of this mess. Some things are just inevitable. The only option is to go through it. I can’t go around it. I just have to go through it. There is no avoiding any of this pain. I just need to endure it and allow it to make me stronger and wiser. It’s all a part of my birthrights. You can’t escape your destiny. So no more running or trying to outsmart my situation. Not only do I have to surrender, but now I need to accept what is. It’s not easy, but it’s the healthy and smart thing to do. Surrender and accept. My life will never go back to normal. But we all know my life was never normal. No matter how much I crave and wish to be ordinary, I will never be ordinary or normal. There is power in accepting what is.

Last night, I was able to get my hour walk in without being short of breath. When I started fasting, I lowered my garlic consumption, but the poisons increased. Garlic filters toxins out of your blood and supports your kidneys. The poisons were damaging my organs so much I couldn’t breath or walk. This is how I lived in Vegas for years when I was stuck in bed. Its almost all reversible with time. It’s just hurtful and reminds me that I am human and fragile just like the rest of you all.

My cold sore almost went away. My covid like treatment worked. I have seen people struggle with cold sores my whole life, especially my family. I always wondered why they didn’t fix them. I suppose it’s the learned helplessness and being taught to rely on medical professionals. I have never been able to rely on anyone, especially medical professionals. So maybe in a lot of ways I’m blessed.

Would you like to know how to stop cold sores? They are a virus just like covid. This is what I did:

  • Took 6-7 garlic cloves throughout the day-make sure and chew them to activate the enzyme they contain
  • Took 3 zinc pills spaced out
  • Took 4 Vitamin D with K2 pills spaced out
  • Ate a tiny piece of raw ginger
  • Took a multi vitamin
  • Put coconut oil on my lips multiple times through out the day
  • Tried peppermint essential oil on lips once but didn’t like because it burned
  • Fasted

Natural antivirals are the key to stopping a virus in its tracks. Its especially important to do this when it’s just starting. And why use chapstick or whatever you all use when you can use coconut oil which is an antiviral?

The garlic and Vitamin D and coconut oil are what helped the most. I even cheated and watched an hour of food videos last night, which spikes my insulin and feeds viruses. I’m addicted to figuring out this food puzzle. Dont get me wrong it’s a super bad habit. But there is a piece I’m missing somewhere that will allow the puzzle to come together. I dont understand how you all can eat all this stuff. I know it has to do with my overactive nervous system and huge C Diff infection, but there is something I am missing. If I can find this piece I may be able to talk some sense into you all.

Having my insulin spiked all the time this past year has made me more in my reptilian brain and emotions than I have been in awhile. Not having a job or many projects does not help. However, I’m learning a lot. Thinking about the past keeps you stuck in your reptilian brain. But when you think of dream of the future it’s your logical brain. It’s pretty magical. So if you are feeling down or stuck think about something you are looking forward to in the future. Not only will it get you out of your reptilian brain, but it will give you a hit of dopamine. Magical.

Last night as I was walking I was thinking about my life and the moments that made me happy. Love is the answer. Acceptance is the answer. When you accept someone for who they are and love them as they are because they are enough. That is the key to life and the human experience. People need to be enough and they need to be loved for who they are as they are. I was never enough for A1. I was never enough for my parents. My whole life I have never been enough for people. But you know who I was enough for? Ryan Traw. We were so very different. Night and day different. Yet I loved him because he was so different than me. And he accepted me quirks and all as I was. We worked completely different schedules. He worked a day job and I worked in the bars. Most nights I would text him as I was going to bed and he would be just getting up. However, we made it work.

When he would stay the night on workdays, I would stay up later and wonder around doing my projects, drinking wine, and smoking pot while listening to music. One of my favorite things to do was to make ganja treats. I really didn’t like them too much, but I loved how happy they made other people when I surprised them with them. So many nights while Ryan was sleeping I would make ganja treats and I would put them in sandwich baggies and put them in his shoes. If I put them on the counter he would not see them and leave them. So I put them in his shoes. This way one of the first things he started his day with was something that made him smile and made him happy. When he tried to put on his shoe and found treats he knew he was loved. When you start your day with love everything else is easier. Love is the answer even though we want to complicate it and make more than it needs to be. It’s just love. And love comes in so many forms and symbols. Making those treats were some of my favorite 2am moments. Being on stage didn’t compare to the grin I saw when he would say thank you. I have spent a lifetime with people listing after me, but rarely have i been loved. Love is when someone accepts you for who you are, quirks and all. Even if those quirks keep you up till 4am.

Today, my agenda is to go to planet fitness and do some skin care and shower before 7pm. I am super light headed and feel weird today, but I’m hoping I can really and get it done. Do the war games armies have access to all the cameras all over like my Dad? I wonder, because the people were limited at Walmart yesterday and it was even Friday. Planet Fitness is a place where they like to have people who are dying but dont realize it gang stalk ne. I almost feel sorry for some of them, but then I remember they are trying to kill me. So if the farmers and the armies can do whatever you do to make me safe while I go move my lymphatic system and work on my cancer, I would really appreciate it. Thank you.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

Friday August 5th 2022 Moon in Scorpio Sun in Leo My Day, Realizations, & Ramblings

In New Mexico last year, my family had convicts gang stalking me and trying to kill me. It was when I was driving through Wyoming too. However in New Mexico they tried to threaten me with physical violence at the grocery store one day. The people I saw today at Walmart were like the convicts I experienced last year. They yelled and cussed at me in attempts to break me, but they didn’t threaten physical violence overtly. However they made no effort to hide their anger about me threatening their way of life. These were people my Dad would have never even considered for his cult a month ago. It was a bit interesting and a bit shocking. Desperation makes people do things they never thought they would do. I can completely understand that more than I ever have before. It’s been weeks since I used a bathroom. I now prefer to pre outside. I rarely shower unless I have to pretend to not be destroyed and partake in the overt world for job stuff. My life is a fragment of what it used to be. Just like my Dads cult is a fragment of what it once was.

Last night I watched over 5 hours of food videos. I know it’s awful for me, but I still did it. I’m fascinated. I can’t figure out all the puzzle pieces. Food videos spike your insulin feeding viruses parasites bacteria and harming your kidneys. I know better. But the more they use the poisons on me that spike my insulin the more emotional I am and the more I seek comfort. This afternoon I realized I’m getting a cold sore from last night. I have NEVER had a cold sore before, never. That tells you how bad food videos are for you. So today I’m loading up on antivirals just like when I had covid and I will report back and let you know if it worked. So far it seems to be helping my lip is less swollen. If I can heal covid naturally I can overcome a cold sore.

So food, it’s a weapon of destruction. I’m trying to get myself back into the old mind set I had about food where I rarely thought of it and just ate one meal a day. It has to do with being in my reptilian brain so much because of all the poisons the past few years. When I have a project I do better because I have something to focus on. Do you all project? I love projects!

Today I was reviewing my food/fasting log/diary. Walking got hard when I was in Prineville and did a 72 hour fast in the cemetery there and layed in the sun. They changed the poisons then and have been going strong ever since. Before that I was walking 1 to 2 hours a day on average.

Today is day 11 of my fast. The red dots on my legs that were broken blood vessels and super tiny are gone almost completely. Great improvement! This means my heart is healing even with everything. I forgot about the 72 hour fast I did a couple days before I started this one, so that probably helps too. Last month, I did 10 fasted days. Which sounds like a lot. But I ate like shit in June and July. The worst I have eaten in years. Granted my worst is not that bad compared to what most people eat, but still it tore up my body and organs. I have no clue how you all eat what you eat. But I have thought that since I was about 18.

The poisons that spike my insulin have me overtly emotional. It took me awhile to catch on to what was happening and why I felt weird. But let me vent and tell you what these emotions have me thinking about. Today I cleaned my Jeep a bit just wiping down the dash and such. It’s been almost 2 years, its pretty filthy. And I was thinking I miss being taken care of. I was never taught to take care of myself. I was only taught how to take care of others. I have had to learn everything the hard way when it comes to caring for myself. It’s been a lot to say the least.

When I was with Ryan Payne, I used to have him do the grocery shopping so I could work longer. Because I made more money so it literally made sense for me to stay at work longer, commission has always driven me to do better. I dont like grocery shopping anyway. Then I would come home and cook what he got. I like this because it made me feel like we were a team and like we were working smarter not harder. However, really it was just an opportunity for him to destroy me and poison our food. I’m probably the only woman who cooks who doesn’t poison her food.

When I was with Ryan Traw, he used to bring groceries over for me to make tofu nachos for us. And he would wake up earlier than me and pick up my house before I woke up. Now I realize he was poisoning the food, snooping and poisoning my house. But it made me feel cared for.

A1 used to take my car to fill it up with gas and clean it out once a week. Now I realize he was poisoning my car because I always had bad anxiety and chest pains in the car. But it made me feel taken care of.

I would love to be cared for without having to endure destruction. I understand being cared for comes at a cost, but it should never be your own destruction. However, I miss being cared for. I was never taught so many things in life. The only way my family could keep me small was by limiting my experience for a lifetime. But in the past 5 years, I have survived on my own through hell and back and learned so many life skills. However I still want to be taken care of now and again. Life is about give and take.

When we were in Jamaica, A1 would bring me a ginger mojito while I was taking a bath. I understand he was poisoning me now. But I sure would love someone to do sweet things like that minus the poison. I want their actions to be motivated by love not hate and destruction.

So yeah, I long to be taken care of like I have always deserved. I dont need someone to save me. Just someone to care for me and show me love. And with me one of my love languages is acts of service. I like when people do things to show me they care for me and my well being. Even if its bringing me a coffee or mojito while I’m in the bathtub. Little things make me so happy. I miss the little things in life. I dont miss the trips as much as I miss having a home and someone to share it with. Granted, I’m ok with that sharing meaning they visit on weekends. But ideally I would love to have someone in my life I want around all the time, not just weekends.

I know I need to be realistic. I’m never going to get real love. However, I can hope that whoever I end up teaming up with to fulfill my destiny will be kind and caring. I wish I knew about my birthrights sooner, I could have planned for this all so much better. But that’s what my Dad didn’t want me to do. No one ever wanted me to be prepared for anything. Whether that be life, work, cleaning my car, etc. I was never taught so many things. However, I think I have done pretty decent and I am really proud of myself. Lemons into lemonade just like always. Google has helped raise me and teach me so many things. Google really is my best friend. If I had known when I was younger that I would have access to a handheld device that could answer any question I had, I would have told you you were lying. No one ever answered my questions as a child. My whole family kept me on a need to know basis. And they didn’t think I needed to know anything. This is why I believe in freedom of information so strongly. We all deserve to know the facts.

So how are the Argentinians doing out there? I understand I’m asking the world when I ask you all to even consider helping me. But you know I have been working everyday at eliminating more and more of my scads professional cult. I have worked through every subgroup in the war games and won over my dads military army. I know its seems like a far stretch for me to make it through everyone. But I’m so close. 493 days I have been working on this revolution. It took months to even realize there were war games. I can’t imagine where I will be a year from now. But I know more people listen to me than I could ever really fathom. It’s scary to know I’m so important. And its hurtful to know my importance still leaves me so vulnerable. I suppose I just want to say I’m here when you all are ready to help me and I will keep working on eliminating the professional army. Because honestly I dont know what else to do.

I have an interview at an temp agency, Express Employment Professionals on Monday with Pat the franchise owner here in eugene. I’m sure she has fancy birthrights otherwise she wouldn’t get to own a business right? Suppose she will treat me fairly? I scored 87% on the office test and only got 40 wpm on the young test but I only had 4 mistakes. I didn’t know I was allowed to make errors. So I definitely didn’t do great, but I’m proficient. I have some hope. She will make things more complicated than necessary because everyone does. And working will just be an opportunity for my Dad to get people to destroy me more. But again what else am I supposed to do?

Yesterday, I realized I have been getting fake flea pills from Banfield Animal Hospital inside the pet Smart on Coburg road. I’m pretty sure they are giving me antibiotics that are poisoned. No wonder the fleas have been so bad. And the Advantage I got at Coastal farm supplies a few months back was fake too. No wonder. My kids never really had fleas until southern California last winter. I’m pretty sure they implanted fleas in the grass and bushes that we used to walk by just like the implanted a hand gun manual. One way or another they are determined to drive me crazy. I dont think it’s working because the more they make me angry the more I want to survive and get even. I’m tired of the bad guys winning. So I disputed some charges on my credit card and will write to Banfield on Monday so I can dispute that charge as well.

I may not have done the greatest job cleaning my car today, but I made progress and sometimes all you can hope for is progress.

I understand helping me seems like a double edged sword. But to me, it just means I would get someone to talk to and someone to conquer the world with. I know it doesn’t seem like I’m conquering the world, but I am. I am moving mountains and doing the unthinkable everyday just by being alive and having my heart intact. It’s a lot, but I suppose it’s my life and my destiny.

When your destiny calls you have to answer. I hope one of you answer.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

Friday August 5th 2022 Moon in Scorpio Sun in Leo My Plans For Today

I am guessing the farmers make an order and then the war games armies carry out those orders and police the people right? It seems like the logical steps. The farmers can’t be everywhere and it gives the war games armies purpose.

So here’s the deal. I’m going to go to Walmart in Eugene on west 11th in the next couple hours. Anyone who is there to hang stalk ne, poison me, or who makes the objects I wish to buy fake, less effective, or poisons them is trying to rewrite the rules to the war games to benefit themselves so they can profit. From my understanding people are supposed to live within the rules so that they can profit. Not color outside of the lines seeking privilege. I would greatly appreciate it if the war games armies could be at Walmart this afternoon. Not protecting me, but policing the people and enforcing the war games rules. If I could shop in peace I would greatly appreciate it. And if I could buy products that weren’t designed to be fake or poison that would be even more amazing.

See you all at Walmart.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

Friday August 5th 2022 Moon in Scorpio Sun in Leo What If??

Okay so no one wants to hold my Dad accountable to following the rules of the war games and overstepping his birthrights. I completely understand. However, what about the people following and supporting him. The people left following and supporting him are mostly people who have been kept extremely small or who have profited off privilege their whole lives they know no different. Many of these people do not fear loosing their entry level jobs or they work for themselves.

However, with their actions they are trying to recreate and change the rules to the war games. Sure my Dad is a cult leader, but he has no power without followers. What if we hold these people accountable for their actions which are aimed at changing the war games forever. With every order they take from my Dad they are overstepping their birthrights. How do we keep people within the bounds of their birthrights in the war games? Because everyone who is following my Dad is saying they are fancy enough to rewrite all the rules. That’s not allowed. I’m pretty sure I dont even get to rewrite all the rules.

How do we get these people to comply to their place within the war games? What is standard protocol for overstepping your birthrights drastically and continually? Farmers are you all the ones who enforce these rules?

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

Thursday August 4th 2022 Moon in Scorpio Sun in Leo Night Time Rambles

I just watched almost 2.5 hours of eating videos on YouTube. You can learn a lot about the destruction of the world via food by watching them. Warning they do spike your insulin so don’t do it daily or often. Red food is an act of destruction. Tomatoes, red pepper, and red spicy food are nightshade. Literally plants that are poisonous. All the sauces that they smoother everything with, they feed c diff. Seafood has so much mercury and who know what else it can lead to heavy metal toxicity. I could go on and on. Basically if they make a Mukbang with it, you probably shouldn’t eat it. Or at least modify it to be healthier if you do.

Today was a boring day. Did another Truman show interview. And the temp agencies I applied with seem to be having problems getting back to me in a timely fashion. It is what it is. I will find something eventually.

Today is day 10 of fasting, they are poisoning me extra for fasting. But if I eat they won’t stop. So it makes sense to just keep going. Dopamine is produced in the greatest amounts by looking forward to something. You dont actually have to do the thing you just have to look forward to it. Actually doing the thing provides a small amount of dopamine compared to looking forward to something. So I’m just going to keep looking forward to eating. It spikes my insulin, but it’s way healthier and more satisfying than eating. I dreamed of food my whole life pretty much. It’s way better in my mind than in reality. Dreaming of food got me through fasting in southern California earlier this year. And I want to get that small again. It’s the best thing for my organs especially my heart.

Today I rambled a bit while walking. I got my 40 minutes in. Sounds not like a lot, but you give up food for 10 days and try exercising. It’s hard. My question I can up with today is: How are the people in the war games kept in line? What motivates them to stay within the boundaries of their birthrights? What stops Joe Smo with small birthrights from acting like president of the war games and overstepping his limitations and boundaries? There has to be some sort of fear associated with knowing your place. Otherwise everyone would cross boundaries and it would be mayhem. Why hasn’t my Dad been punished for overstepping his birthrights? I understand we are from a super fancy family, but there still are rules. Why dont the rules apply to him? And if they dont apply to him, does that mean the rules dont apply to me or my brother either? I know the rules apply to my brother. He has to listen to the farmers. He was raised as a Kudearoff. However I was raised as a Graves and a white woman. I have fancy birthrights from the Graves side. I have All the fancy birthrights from them. What are the rules and limitations that apply to me?

Where are the other people like me with fancy birthrights and South American heritage? There has to be someone else like me. How have they stayed alive? How have they evaded the murder attempts of their family? South Americans are the most vicious. I suppose I should clarify and say Argentinians. Where are the others like me?

Is that why my Dad was able to get away with murder? We are the only ones with fancy birthrights like ours? And you all didn’t even know about the hilter side of our family. God I hate being fancy. I just want to be ordinary so badly. I know it will never happen but God if I had a wish that’s what it would be.

What about the Argentinians in the rest of the United states? Haven’t any of them breed together and created fancy kids like me? I just need to know someone like me. If I can find someone half as fancy as me with Argentinian heritage we can team up and literally take over the world. I’m not really the bossy type, but I just want a job and to explore my potential and hang out with Haywood. Maybe even eat some food and sleep in a bed with sheets and pillows. And take a bath with Epsom salts and coconut oil. I just want to be ordinary. If someone will help me be ordinary I will literally hand them the world. Do you hear that east coast and souther Argentinians? Help me and I can gift you the world in exchange for letting me be ordinary. Granted I will have children to ensure that the world stays safe after I’m gone. But I just want to be ordinary and be a mom to my dog and my human children. That’s it. That’s all I want. But yet I understand that’s asking the world.

Today, I made progress again with the professional cult. When I spell out the facts about cults and cult leaders, it’s hard to deny what’s happening. It’s still sinking in for me that my Dads a cult leader. My grandma Kudearoff was a cult leader. I’m pretty sure she was super fancy in the Russian Mafia. So many things add up now.

When I wrote my post earlier today the parking lot at Pet Smart cleared out around me. The people heard me. I dont kniw how much longer I have to do this for people to understand what is going on. I suppose I still dont understand what is going on. I dont understand why people join a cult other than vulnerability. Its frustrating and I’m trying to understand.

So yeah my Dads a heartless cult leader aka a psychopath. Psychopath Free by Jackson McKenzie is a great book. I recommend it to everyone. It freed me in about 2018 in Vegas.

Where do I go from here? I suppose I keep fasting and looking for a job. Not many other options. My love handles have gotten really small for me. I still have love handles, but maybe 5ish more days and they should go away. My legs are smaller than they have been in years. I still have loose skin on my legs because there are a lot of lymph nodes near where your thighs connect to your core. So this is where I swell a lot and quickly. My fingers are smaller my rings fit so much better. My hands almost look like my hands again, just like my face. I missed me. I loose myself a lot to the poisons my family uses to destroy me. This has been happening my whole life. From 8 to 18, I lost myself. Not until I lost weight did I start to find myself again. I am so valuable. I’m worth fighting for. I will always fight for myself. Sure I get lost in the sauce and the poisons but somehow I always find my way back to me. I love me. That’s why my family tries to steal me from me. They dont live themselves. And they have always hated me for loving me.

The most revolutionary thing you can do is love yourself in a world that is set up to steal you from you.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

Thursday August 4th 2022 Moon in Scorpio Sun in Leo Are You Really Special Now Or Have You Always Been?

If you are as special as my Dad says now, why didn’t he see it sooner? If you are really as special as he says you are, why does he make you conform to be like everyone else? If you were really as special as my Dad says why would he limit your access to the outside world and only make you socialize with a select few people? If you are really as special as my Dad says why is he just noticing you now? What has changed that makes him want to make you feel special now? Why are you being seen now after a lifetime of being invisible to him?

If my Dad was a leader like he says he is, why does my existence threaten him? Real leaders dont try to kill people who disagree with them. Real leaders understand people are different and different things work for different people. Why did my Dad have to kill Kris and Brenda? Real leaders convince people to do what they believe is in everyone’s best interest. Real leaders dont kill their wives to get what they want. Real leaders have wives that love them and are loyal to them and their agenda. Real leaders dont murder their children because they have them birthrights that threaten their ego and false sense of power. Real leaders nurture their children and their followers. Even encouraging them to pursue their potential in all ways rather than limit it to ensure their power. Real leaders value people and dont thrive off controlling people by limiting their life experiences and expectancies. Real leaders dont have to create disease in your body and mind in order for you to listen to them as an authority. Real leaders earn your respect. They dont demand it.

My Dad is not a real leader. He is a psychopath who has taken advantage of people and created a cult of followers. I understand you all want to feel special. And you all are special, but your going about it all wrong. You dont need someone like my Dad to tell you that you are special in exchange for conforming to what everyone in his cult is like. You need someone who makes you feel special for being you unapologetically. If you conform your not being you. Therefore no one thinks you are actually special. You are just a good puppet and soldier.

I found a list of 50 things you need to beware and be aware of in a leader. Please think about the following things. You deserve to feel special. But you deserve to feel special for being you. Not for conforming to a cult that does not have your best interest in mind.

Excerpt from Dangerous Personalities

He has a grandiose idea of who he is and what he can achieve.

Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, or brilliance.

Demands blind, unquestioned obedience.

Requires excessive admiration from followers and outsiders.

Has a sense of entitlement—expecting to be treated as special at all times.

Is exploitative of others by asking for their money or that of relatives, putting others at financial risk.

Is arrogant and haughty in his behavior or attitude.

Has an exaggerated sense of power (entitlement) that allows him to bend rules and break laws.

Takes sexual advantage of members of his sect or cult.

Sex is a requirement with adults and sub adults as part of a ritual or rite.

Is hypersensitive to how he is seen or perceived by others.

Publicly devalues others as being inferior, incapable, or not worthy.

Makes members confess their sins or faults, publicly subjecting them to ridicule or humiliation while revealing exploitable weaknesses of the penitent.

Has ignored the needs of others, including: biological, physical, emotional, and financial needs.

Is frequently boastful of accomplishments.

Needs to be the center of attention and does things to distract others to ensure that he or she is being noticed, e.g., by arriving late, using exotic clothing, overdramatic speech, or by making theatrical entrances.

Has insisted on always having the best of anything (house, car, jewelry, clothes) even when others are relegated to lesser facilities, amenities, or clothing.

Doesn’t seem to listen well to needs of others; communication is usually one-way, in the form of dictates.

Haughtiness, grandiosity, and the need to be controlling is part of his personality.

Behaves as though people are objects to be used, manipulated or exploited for personal gain.

When criticized he tends to lash out not just with anger but with rage.

Anyone who criticizes or questions him is called an “enemy.”

lievers as “the enemy.”

Acts imperious at times, not wishing to know what others think or desire.

Believes himself to be omnipotent.

Has “magical” answers or solutions to problems.

Is superficially charming.

Habitually puts down others as inferior; only he is superior.

Has a certain coldness or aloofness about him that makes others worry about who this person really is and or whether they really know him.

Is deeply offended when there are perceived signs of boredom, being ignored or of being slighted.

Treats others with contempt and arrogance.

Is constantly assessing people to determine those who are a threat or those who revere him.

The word “I” dominates his conversations. He is oblivious to how often he references himself.

Hates to be embarrassed or fail publicly; when he does he acts out with rage.

Doesn’t seem to feel guilty for anything he has done wrong nor does he apologize for his actions.

Believes he possesses the answers and solutions to world problems.

Believes himself to be a deity or a chosen representative of a deity.

“Rigid,” “unbending,” or “insensitive” describes how this person thinks.

Tries to control others in what they do, read, view, or think.

Has isolated members of his sect from contact with family or the outside world.

Monitors and/or restricts contact with family or outsiders.

Works the least but demands the most.

Has stated that he is “destined for greatness” or that he will be “martyred.”

Seems to be highly dependent on tribute and adoration and will often fish for compliments.

Uses enforcers or sycophants to ensure compliance from members or believers.

Sees self as “unstoppable” and perhaps has even said so.

Conceals background or family, which would disclose how plain or ordinary he is.

Doesn’t think there is anything wrong with himself and in fact sees himself as perfection or “blessed.”

Has taken away followers’ freedom to leave, to travel, to pursue life and liberty.

Has isolated the group physically (moved to a remote area) so as to not be observed.

Now do you all see through the actions of the wizard behind the curtain? It’s all smoke and mirrors. You are being held hostage by buying into my Dad having the answers you seek

Another quote from the internet:

Drinking the Kool-Aid” is an expression used to refer to a person who believes in a possibly doomed or dangerous idea because of perceived potential high rewards.

My Dad promises you all so many things he will never follow through with. Look at the world around you. No one has potential. No one has potential. We are biologically set up to be diseased not only so we dont fight back or have potential, but so we buy into his madness. Do you really want to live in a world where you never achieve your dreams? Do you want to live in a world where you drink the Koolaid instead of being appreciated for the individual you really are? Do you enjoy being lied to and lead astray even though there is rarely any follow through? It feels good in the moment, but what happens when that moment becomes your life and you never get anywhere?

I’m proof my Dad is not all he says he is. I am proof of so many things. I’m smarter than my Dad and he could never fully brain wash me. I have more power in the war games and I threaten him. If he was the great leader he claims to be, I would be no threat. If he was the great leader he claims to be, he would tell you all about what happened in the early 1980s in the middle east that made him quit the military and sit at home in pjs eating ice cream with me for months. He would tell you all about the mistakes he has made and how he grew from them. But my Dad claims to be a God. Humans are not Gods, we are human. You are human. You were meant to be an individual and make mistakes and learn from them and grow. It’s a beautiful experience. It’s called humanity. It’s the human experience. Please choose to be human with me and stop listening to anyone who claims to be a God. Humans are not Gods.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

Wednesday August 3rd 2022 Moon on Libra Sun in Leo Stragglers

Did you see the sunset tonight? It was beautiful. That means there was more pollution than normal. I’m high as hell, how about you all? I’m so tired of the poisons that spike my insulin. I’m so scared that when I start eating again I won’t be able to stop. I told myself today on Friday I can binge and have whatever I want within reason. No more sugar and I gotta try to stay away from dairy and gluten more. I have been dreaming about food all day, which spikes my insulin. But whatever I still didn’t eat. Friday will be day 11. There is a study that kidney function is improved by a 11 day fast. I know all fasting improves kidney function, but I just want to push myself. I haven’t lost as many inches as I thought around my middle but my chest has gotten a ton smaller. I’m all for it! Progress is progress.

Today I worked on getting a job I had another interview by phone and went in and did some tests. Fingers crossed I did well enough to get a job. Being around cult members is weird. Because now I see who they really are.

So what’s happening in the world out there. The world has been so very quiet. Dont get me wrong I like it, because quiet equals change. But it kind of makes me nervous. Me and Hay we took a nap this evening it was really nice besides the damn flies. If it’s not fleas its flies. I tried to get my 30 minutes of walking in but I just can’t tonight I’m tired and the poison are messing with my gut bacteria. I almost puked when I ate some raw garlic. I had to sit down. It was intense. Garlic helps kidneys, I know I’m fasting but I still eat my garlic.

So what’s happening out there. Today at Alton Baker there were a ton of new recruits. What an interesting bunch. Anyone who has a big truck is all of a sudden fancy. They always knew they were fancy but now they have proof. However that’s not how fancy works, but I get it. I have been confused like that before too.

When I get a job, they are just going to use it as an opportunity to poison me more. Because I will be a sitting duck for 40 hours a week. That scares me. It’s bad enough now. It was real bad at B and R Autowrecking. I can’t look forward to that. I dont kniw what I need to do to prove my worth to people who cannot even see their own worth. It’s a frustrating place to be. What am I supposed to do? How do I show them we all are more valuable than we have ever been allowed to see? That how question always gets me.

I dont kniw what to say to the new recruits. A lot of them dont seem to have much to loose. While I know I have everything to loose. Can you all let them know I represent hope and so much more for the future than privilege that is really just a means to enslave people. It’s not privilege, its chains that forever control you. I have tried so hard to explain it over and over, but people just dont understand. Privilege is a prison because privilege can be taken away just as quickly as it was handed out.

I appreciate you all. Thank you for being you. I gotta rest. I’m tired. You all get some rest too.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

Wednesday August 3rd 2022 Moon in Libra Sun in Leo Ranting

I’m mad, I’m sad, I’m hurt, I’m frustrated, I’m crying. Last night my phone told me I have lymphoma. My Dad or someone controls my phone to give me hints and block my access to the real world. Every aspect of my life is a Truman show. Its frustrating to say the least.

I knew there was something wrong with my lymphatic system and I knew my breast cancer had spread to my lymphatic system. But to know I have cancer in my immune system and it will never go away is rough. Its always going to be something I have to deal with. After healing my digestive system so much for years now I still dont get to eat food like real food. My family takes everything from me. I only got implants because they poisoned me so much when I was pregnant the last time my boobs swelled do much that afterwards they were so saggy. I understand now that was my kidneys.

I try so hard not to get upset or to be human and get hurt but it’s hard. I know I should be grateful I cracked the code and found raw meat. I’m beyond lucky. My swelling lymphoma and cysts in my breast have been so much worse before. So much worse. In Arizona I found pharmaceutical worm/parasite pills in Mexico and those saved my life. After I did those for a few months it was a world of difference. Turmeric essential oil made a world of difference too. Now I can survive without those things and be okay. Back then I was always in pain and tired. I used to wake up 2 hours before work just so I could lay in bed for an hour and drink a small pot of coffee. Now I don’t drink caffeine. It’s been so much worse and knowing is better.

I realize now that when my C Diff and Kidneys gets bad that makes my heart fail more and feeds my lymphoma. So I just have to take care of my kidneys and move my lymphatic system every day. Which really isn’t that hard. But the diet part is hard. I was a vegetarian for almost 20 years I miss carbs especially beans. I know its ridiculous to cry over beans and potatoes. But it’s just another freedom I dont have. I really dont have any freedom and I have worked my whole life to be free. Privilege was a cage and at times I miss it. But I felt just as caged as I do now. Maybe if I had known there was no escaping the cage I would have done differently. But then I remember they were literally killing me. I may not ever escape the cage of my birthrights, but I know why the caged bird sings. No one will ever take away my hope.

Maybe I can eat raw meat, beans, and French fries and then just fast for a few days. Today is day 9 of fasting. I have never made it this far before. And my skin is way tighter than when I just did alternate day fasting and lost weight earlier this year. I know it seems dumb to worry about my skin. But my skin helps move my lymphatic system. Tight skin removes toxins from your body. Its important to have right skin. Its not just vanity, its humanity. And the smaller I am the less my heart has to work to get blood to all my body. However, I miss food. I’m addicted to it in a weird way. Just like I’m addicted to water and air. I’m so tired of having my humanity used against me. I’m human I’m not willing to be less than.

So I dont really mind having to be healthy for the rest of my life because I enjoy it, but I do miss food. I just have to figure it out. There are tons of people who are carnivores and just eat meat. But I can’t eat cooked meat. Potatoes are a toxin but I love them and digest them well. Beans were a staple in my life because I was vegetarian for so long. It’s all about comfort food. I realized I turned to food again in 2017 when my family took everything from me again. I dont know how I’m going to get anything back. Honestly I would love some people to take care of and them take care of me. I suppose that’s what a family should be. I have Haywood and I know that should be enough. But it’s just not. I need a human. I’m not so much lonely as I am human. I am so tired of denying my humanity to stay alive. I’m sure you all can relate.

So I just have to figure out the food part of this equation of my life. However I’m not willing to give up how good I look or feel. My organs are working better than they have since I got to Oregon this year. I just have to figure out how to maintain this through everything. Haywood looks great too. His lupus must be similar to lymphoma because we seem to have a lot of the same issues. I dont want to poison him with beans and potatoes because he seems to flare when we eat them. But they make him so happy. I can relate.

Fasting is almost easier because I just dont have to deal with the madness and the uncertainty and poisoning myself trying to find balance between comfort and necessity. I just need to find some other sort of comfort in my life I suppose. But what is the real question?

Gotta move my lymphatic system. My interview this morning went shitty. Why do people who are so privileged in the war games get greedy and join my Dads cult in an effort to get more privilege? Is this what Kris and Brenda did? It cost them everything literally everything.

Love always

Nicole D Graves

Tuesday August 2nd 2022 Moon in Libra Sun in Leo Rambles In The Sun

Today, I took Hay to the park between Valley River and River Road by the river. The people were poisoning us so much i got nauseas and weak so we decided to lay down in the grass and just relax. While there I started my high rambles. When I get high I like to talk, I dont know why. But a lot of times it actually is pretty productive.

I think I figured out my way around not being able to figure out how today finally. Instead of thinking about how to accomplish something, I need to think about What can be done. Something so simple allowed me to change the pathways in my brain I use to solve problems and make way more connections. So it’s all about Why and What! Well, for me at least.

After my high rambles in the park and laying down with Hay for a couple hours, I noticed a change. We went to the car and sat in the shade while the car was airing out. People were getting a news update and its spiked their cortisol and scared them. It was a war games update because the people in cars got it faster than the people on foot or bikes. I sat there in awe. What the heck could make them so scared? One girl literally dragged her dog on a leash into the car. She couldn’t walk fast enough. Also today were all mostly people my Dad would have never accepted into his cult before now. It was a really weird and interesting day.

After much thought and trying to remember my high brainstorming and rambles, I’m pretty sure the farmers got on board with fighting back against this small group of people who are holding us all hostage. My Dads cult is trying to strong arm us all into accepting world war 3 and the extreme destruction. But what can we do to fight back? We get them fired from their jobs. They join my Dads cult for privilege, if we take that away they won’t join. These people are great at following orders, but they suck at following rules. This is the only thing I really came up with today that could have the kind of impact that I saw happen this evening.

Can I ask to add an amendment or clause? Tonight a bunch of children and privileged college students took part in poisoning me and destroying me. Can we hold people accountable for their children’s actions. It’s no wonder kids are so screwed up nowadays. We tell their parents to behave so they just enlist their children in doing their dirty work. Even down to a 4 year old or a college student. I dont know what to think of people other than just be disappointed.

By the way, thank you to the farmers. I appreciate the help and you all listening to my ramblings.

Today was a productive day. I hung out at the park. Took a shower and washed my hair for the first time in almost 3 weeks. Did laundry and washed my bedding. Made my bed back up and washed the Haywood and did a flea treatment. Oh and I treated the room at Amber’s again this morning.

Tomorrow I have a job interview at a temp place. Today another temp place gave me the run around and rescheduled my interview. But I called another one too. I just want a job making $20 an hour or more. I dont care what I do, I just want to make decent money. I deserve to be compensated for my skills and abilities and knowledge. So that’s the goal. But if they try to strong arm me into something less than I deserve, I’m okay enjoying the summer with Haywood for a couple or few more weeks. We can do more fasting.

Tomorrow at 2pm will be 9 days of fasting. I saw myself naked today for the first time in weeks. My boobs are hard. I realized I got sick when I got my breast implants. I dont know what they did to me other than give me too many antibiotics. I had my implants replaced in dec 2016 or Jan 2017 and it got worse. I wonder what they put inside me. I know I can overcome it if the poisons outside my body stop or at least settle down. In 8 days I accomplished what would take almost 3 weeks of alternate days fasting. The longer extended fasts are definitely better. But alternate day fasting is a great start. Its probably perfect for people who aren’t so sick.

I dont kniw what happened in the past couple weeks that made me so sick. They are always upping the ante when it comes to the poison and my food has been way worse too. But I’m just tired of being sick and I’m tired of being hungry. I keep thinking about food. But the food I have access to will make me sick. It’s hard to want to eat stuff that will make you sick. But the poison that makes your teeth numb and spikes insulin sure makes my mouth water and think about food. But another poison that’s relatively newer makes me so nauseas. If they keep making me nauseas I won’t eat for a long time it’s kind of perfect and helps me.

So today was a good day. I never expected the reaction I got today from my ramblings. I ramble so I dont feel so alone and to make sense out of things. I appreciate you all listening, it’s a lot of random stuff.

On another note, can I share the addresses of the people who poison me at night where I like to sleep in Eugene at my favorite church? There are some houses that are near and continuously poison me at night for months now. I will have to drive down another street tomorrow to get their addresses. But I would really enjoy sleeping without my teeth being numb my lips tingling my ankles flooding with toxins that my lymphatic system cannot remove quickly enough my liver hurting feeling nauseas, etc. It would just be nice to have some peace. I will document that tomorrow. Worst case you all can know who is trying to make my heart fail on a regular basis and make their lives as covertly difficult as possible. I’m starting to hate them and I don’t even know them. But they dont know me and they are trying to kill me. It’s such a weird experience, but yet it’s my life.

I need to get my rest and you all do too. Sleep well. Sweet dreams of realities of the future.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

Monday August 1st 2022 Mmon in Virgo Sun in Leo My Day

I drove back to Eugene from Redmond. My Dads professional cult were pretty vicious with the poisons. I’m not sure what I did. I always seem to have gone something with my family, but especially my Dad.

It was hard leaving Teka behind and hope, but I am okay. People want me to be broken, but I’m okay. Yes, I miss her. Yes, I love her so much. More than I ever imagined I could love. However, love means knowing your limitations and knowing when you are unable to fulfill the needs of another. I can’t control the actions of others, all I can do is control myself. With this control I have over myself I choose love and I choose God. Teka will love anyone who loves her even if they poison her greatly. Shes going to be just fine. She loved my Mom and my Brother. She will love anyone.

Back to the job hunt in Eugene. It’s annoying, but it is what it is. They block me from uploading my resume places so it’s a bit harder than needs to be, but it is what it is.

I cleaned up the room Haywood will stay in when I worked. It had fleas so badly. But I will go back tomorrow and spray it again. I put Diatomaceous earth food grade all over too, so that should help kill the fleas that survive the spray. I went overboard a bit, but it was necessary. Haywood deserves to be flea free. I will go get him more flea pills this week too.

I need to register my car on Oregon. However, Amber stole the payoff letter I needed from Wells Fargo to do so. I wonder what other mail they have stole. I’m going to need to get a po box again, but will I even get my mail at a po box? I will get one in city limits and then I can get a free library card. That’s something.

The next job I get I need to tough out. I know I say that every time, but its important. I need to get Haywood’s teeth fixed even though they will feed him too many antibiotics. And I just need to make some forward progress. I dont need much, but I would like to move towards my goals more.

Today is day #7 of fasting. My face looks like me again. I was going through pictures around June 1 when I was winning over Washington they got me so swollen. I looked so sick and like I was having autoimmune reactions. But now I know that’s just my heart failing along with my kidneys. I ate everyday in Washington too. When I eat everyday I start to die. I just can’t do that anymore. It’s hard, but when one meal a day is too much, it really makes a person wonder what kind of damage my internal organs must have. In Arizona I ate more than I have in a decade. I was starving but now I realize that was just my ph. And even then I mostly ate one meal a day, it was just a really big meal. I’m going to fast for as long as I can. I figure if I can do 30 days I may be able to reverse most of the damage to my body. But if I only make it 10 or 14 or more. I’m okay with that. I’m going to have to just eat raw meat for awhile and not everyday. I miss food, but they poison my food so much it makes my organs fail. They always have is what I learned this past week. I have had a bad heart since I was 6. So I can survive this, its literally what my life has been like. The skinnier I get the easier my heart will have to work to get blood to my body. I dont like being super skinny but its logical for me. It kept me alive for a long time.

I made attempts to reach the nation this past week. Especially the farmers and the Hispanic decision makers. I hope I reached the outside world. I have tried my whole life to escape my ztruman show and the professional cult. I suppose now is really not much different for me. Well, besides the living in my car part. I hope I reached the outside world. I hope so much. 489ish says of trying relentlessly for progress and here I sit just praying. I know I reached the Southern LA farmers, but that’s because I went to LA and connected with them. This communication hub I have in my head allows for me to connect with anyone I’m close to. However I have to have people far away know to tune in. I dont just show up on their news feed so to speak. I’m like a covert radio show only those in the know get to here. How am I supposed to know if they heard me or got my message? Everyone in the war games dropped out. How am I supposed to know the people took me seriously and are working on finding a solution for us all? I don’t know how. How has never been my strong suit. Why I can do all day.

I’m back in my favorite church parking lot in Eugene. I realized it’s a mormon church. They already belong to a cult so they aren’t interested in joining my Dad’s fully. They still poison me, but they love their God. That’s something I can fully respect and honor.

I realized today river road where Brenda used to live is a special kind of cult for my Dad he didn’t take it easy on those people at all. He broke them almost beyond repair. He has broken me like that over and over. It hurts I get it, but he never rebuilt me for destruction as he does to most people. I suppose I am lucky, but in actuality I just question everything. I question myself all the time. It’s not easy doing this, but after growing up like I did I have to in order to ensure my sanity and destiny. Everyone has always wanted to tell me who I am, what I like, what I need to do, etc. I hate being told things, absolutely fucking hate it. Who the fuck is anyone else to tell me what I need to do or who I am? Are they God? Do they have everything figured out in their life? I have never met anyone who has everything figured out. I dont think its possible. Look at my Dad, he has nothing figured out. So much so that he needs to brainwash others in order to feel alive. He doesn’t even love his children. We are just pawns in his cult games. In my eyes that’s the definition of weakness. To have human being who want to love you and be their own independent people, but you reject that for ultimate control over stranger in order to feel alive. It’s not even about love. It’s all about control. No wonder I have such control issues. I hate others being in control of my life. And yet here I am not in control of my own life still.

Things are going to work out though. I’m not sure when or how, but I know they will work out. I’m positive about this. The more holes I poke in my dads logic, the more people will think critically. I say what I say because I was one of them. I grew up a cult member. I dont say it without experience. I know how much it hurts to wake up. I have done it multiple times to differing degrees. It hurts. But you know what hurts more? Living a lie and thinking it’s real and it’s your fault for not achieving the things you desire. Life is painful when you think you are the reason behind your shortcomings but you can’t figure out what you are doing wrong. We are not doing anything wrong besides not trusting ourselves. Building self trust is the hardest thing after being in a cult. It starts with the little things. Do I really like carrot cake or would i rather have chocolate? Do I really like Doritos or would I rather have plain potato chips? Figuring who I am has been so much more than figuring out my birthrights. I’m not my birthrights. I’m that lady who likes chocolate cake and plain potato chips. I’m the lady who does better not eating every day even though she was told she needed to. I’m that lady that is relatively okay living in her car even though she was always controlled by worrying about having a home. I’m that lady that doesn’t really care what her clothes look like as long as they are comfortable and appropriate for the weather, even though I spend most of my life worrying about name brands.

My Dad had me so wrapped up in so many useless things. Dont get me wrong I miss structure and routine and my rituals and so many little things, like baths. I really miss baths. I miss zoning out and watching Netflix and smoking pot. When I was in Arizona I watched a Canadian TV show in Portuguese with captions because it held my attention. I love learning even when I’m relaxing. Learning is relaxing to me. Portuguese is a beautiful language and so close to Spanish. One day I’m going to get languages down. One day!

I miss food. I miss kombatcha. I miss fermenting food. I miss making bone broth. I miss all the things I used to do to be healthy. However this past week I realized my digestion is good. Sure I have C Diff and can’t drink soda without going pooh. But I can digest almost anything. My digestion is better than it ever has been. Being Keto and Carnivor and eating all kinds of ferments for years worked. However my heart is still a problem. My kidneys seem to be under control with raw garlic and ginger, but they still have some healing to do from the past couple months. My Washington trip they really hurt my organs. I understand it was a big moment in my revolution. I made progress I was never supposed to. This whole revolution I have made progress I was never supposed to. My whole life I have made progress I was never supposed to.

I just want some comfort in my life that doesn’t destroy me. I’m open to many different avenues except those that involve destruction. I have so much to offer the world. If I had a little comfort and could soothe my nervous system I could be of so much more value. This is me firing on a survival basis. I’m literally running for my life every day. I’m way better when I get to be human. And that’s what I fight for. I fight for my right to be human. I hope one day soon my dream comes true. I have lived in a war zone my whole life. I just want this war to win me my humanity back.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

Monday August 1st 2022 Moon in Virgo Sun in Leo River Road is a Cult

When I was younger my Mom used to make me a carrot cake with cream cheese frosting every year for my birthday. Do you know why? Carrots, cinnamon, and cream cheese feed C Diff. By the time I was in 3rd or 4th grade I started requesting carrot cake when she asked what kind of cake I wanted for my birthday.

When I was little my Aunt Lydia always brought Nacho Cheese Doritos camping and she always made sure I sat next to her and ate them as she pretended to enjoy them. You know why? The spices in them feed C Diff and corn causes leaky gut. This started when I was 2 or 3 because it’s all I ever remember about camping with Aunt Lydia. By the time I was 5 Nachi Cheese Doritos were my favorite if anyone asked.

You know what’s funny? I dont like Nacho Cheese Doritos and I really dont like carrot cake. I like plain low sodium potato chips or full salt but plain. And I like chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, gluten free is good but regular works too.

My whole life my family told me who I was, what I liked, and what I was supposed to do. Conditioning and brainwashing are all about eroding your sense of self. If you dont know who you are, you will take others word for it. The very first step in brainwashing is erode a person’s sense of self. My family did this to me from birth.

Brainwashing is said to reduce its subjects’ ability to think critically or independently, to allow the introduction of new, unwanted thoughts and ideas into their minds, as well as to change their attitudes, values and beliefs. -wikipedia

Once your sense of self is eroded, then they start inserting things into your life and mind. They rebuild you the way they want you. But not before they break you down and tell you the way you had lived was all wrong.

On river road in Eugene, when my Dad killed Brenda and took over her territory he eroded those people’s sense of self and identity. He told them they had had it all wrong their whole lives. Probably even making fun of them and mocking them for being so wrong. Then he offered them salvation because his way was not only the right way but the superior way. Then he built them back up and eliminated their connections to their old life and viewpoints. He told them you are who you associate with and got them to leave all their past on the past. They left themselves behind. But then he rebuilt them as he pleaded in a fashion that fit his agenda.

Today on river road you would never know people fighting this war were fighting for world war 3. They were completely unaffected because their identity is so deeply engrained in following the orders of my Dad, they dont kniw any different. Anything else they ever knew they left behind about 20 years ago. Who they used to be is just a fragmented memory of how wrong they lived for so long. They were lost until my Dad helped them be found. They dont kniw what they are fighting for because they fighting to be the person they have been lead to believe they are. They are struggling to hold on to the identity they have rebuilt slowly but surely over decades. The idea of loosing themselves again is too painful to even think about. To question what they are doing logically means facing they aren’t who they have been told they are.

Quote:

People who’ve developed a strong identity for themselves are less prone to brainwashing. They’re not easily swayed by the influence of others. They know who they are and what they want. Their identity rests firmly on the foundation of intangible things no one can take away from them- their skills, traits, abilities, passion, and purpose.
     This is important because one may have developed a strong sense of self that rests on a volatile foundation. This is true for most people who strongly identify with their jobs, relationships, and material possessions.

The people in my Dads cult know who they are based on external things. Mostly material things, but also the jobs they have gained through privilege and the relationships they have formed because of their involvement in the professional cult. If they were to speak up and say this wrong, they could loose everything. Everything that matters to them. They are faced with a complete breakdown and loss of self on all levels of they question my Dads authority. This is exactly where he wants them. They are controllable. They were once whole people but he has broken them down and created a false reality for them in all senses where he can take away everything at the drop of a hat. Ultimate control is the only kind of control my Dad likes. That’s why he created the professional cult, the war games did not allow him enough ultimate control.

So where do these people go from here? They have mostly been kept small. Have you seen the people on River Road? They have bought into learned helplessness on a level that goes beyond deep.

My Dad does this very same thing to most people in the professional cult. They aren’t allowed to keep much if anything from their old life. This is why he prays on AA and Na so much. They know they need to change that why they go there. And he is more than happy to be their savior and show them a new way, his way.

You know what these people need to do? They need to stop eating the carrot cake and the Doritos. Start questioning everything and thinking logically. Do you really even like chips or have you just been told you do for so long that you have accepted that you like chips. What do you really like? What do you like that no one around you likes too? What makes you different? What makes you happy? What makes your soul sing?

You know why I’m safe in church parking lots? Because these people have an identity that is strong. They would never leave God behind and accept my Dad as God. Sure some people are just religious because it makes them look like a good person. But most believe in God and they believe in who they are.

What makes you believe in who you are? What do you know about yourself that you discovered on your own and no one ever told you? These are the things you need to ask yourself. If you have to be told who you are and have material possessions that represent who you are, maybe your doing it wrong. Because anyone can lie to you, but especially people who do not have your best interest in mind. Think about it, your destiny may go unfulfilled if you are listening to others telling you who you are. And that would be a tragedy because we all need the person you were destined to be.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

Monday August 1st 2022 Moon in Virgo Sun in Leo Redmond

Redmond

I’m going back to Eugene today. Thank you for the reminder of what Vegas weather feels like. I miss home. I appreciate you all and am grateful for you all helping me learn so much about myself and my story.

I’m going to work really hard on my ability to unconditionally love everyone and practice forgiveness because it’s the right thing for me. Anger and resentment just hold ne back. However, I will never for get what you all did to me. I miss my little girl. Please take care of Teka. She deserves all the structure, routine, and love she can get. Give her a hug for me and tell her that her momma loves her very much, more today than ever before and that will never change.

With a heavy heart I have to go get my overt life in order. This will not break me, but it hurts and I will breathe through it.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

P.S. One day I would still like to meet the farmer I was supposed to conquer aka marry. I’m sure we have a lot to discuss.