Month: August 2022

Farmers, Koreans, and Middle Men Leaders

I need your help getting nutrition to the people. During my lifetime and the past 21 day fast I learned a lot about food and nutrition. Honestly, it was just a survival mechanism. I had no choice but to do so if I wanted any kind of quality of life.

Last night I went into Walmart to get a snack. Its been over a month since I have been in a Walmart grocery shopping. Which is a new record for me in the past few years. I realized the big picture more and it scared me. The food there is altered so the ph is more alkaline than it should be. This is why its cheaper. The meat has hardly any nutrients and the ph slows down your digestion so the antibiotic resistant bacteria in it can flourish in your body as it slowly makes it’s way through your colon. Even the things in the bakery have their ph altered.

I dont know about you all but I have spent most of my life feeling bloated after I eat. This is because of the ph of the food. When the ph is more alkaline than it show be, it makes you bloated and not absorb as much nutrition from your food, and slows down your digestion. This allows for foods to rot and grow bacteria in your colon, especially meats. This is why I feel bad when I eat cooked meat. But if I eat raw beef I’m okay because it gets absorbed in the small intestine and bypasses the colon mostly.

There are certain areas that my family/Dad war on more than others. Eugene/Springfield is bad, but Redding is like this too. However, there are places with cleaner food. I had clean meat for the first time in my life last year in Garberville California on the top of a mountain. The mountains have something to do with my Dads cult and some allow people to escape the madness. The air is cleaner there and so is the food by design. I still dont fully understand this. But it’s why I was able to stay safe in Santa Fe last summer. Well, safer at least. And I was safer in Santa Barbara last fall too. These Republican towns have something we all need. They have cleaner food and water and air.

Koreans, I know you all understand the destruction more than most. Asain areas in La are so sick. They are loosing their hair, both genders. My grandma Kudearoff had really thinning hair. Ever since I was with A1 my hair has been thinning. This is caused by malnutrition. When we have an overgrowth of antibiotic resistant bacteria it takes all our nutrients that are already limited. When the body is in an alkaline state it doesn’t absorb nutrients like it should and bacteria flourish, especially bad bacteria.

I don’t know if you all do this to your people on purpose. However, they literally have it the worst. This is what I defined as the Asain genocide. The Hispanic genocide involves more genetically modified crop especially nightshades. However, asain people eat fruit, which is alkaline producing. So they make their situation worse by eating fruit even though it is healthy when we have ph balance.

Right now, in this moment, we are all in a place where if we work together we can create immediate change and improvement for us all.

Koreans I need you all to do what you do and tell the people to stop poisoning the food, especially the meats. It’s the butchers and the people who work at the grocery stores who do the bidding of my family. My Dad cannot go around and poison everyone’s food on his own. It’s the people who work in the food industry that do it. The farmers have their hands tied in regards to what the final product we receive looks like mostly. It’s the people who do this to us all. If the Koreans can do what they did to the professional cult, they can stop the butchers.

Farmers, I need you all to make an order for people to stop poisoning the food. The sooner we can get nutrition. The sooner people will be able to think for themselves. The sooner they will find themselves. It’s the best way to empower us all.

Middle men leaders, you all seem to be filling up the grocery stores very quickly. The butcher I saw yesterday that felt guilt and shame was one of you all. People dont feel guilt and shame when they believe in what they are doing. I need you all to get people to stop signing up to be my Dad’s pawns in this war he is loosing. I need you all to stand up for what’s right with the rest of us. It will take nutrition in order to reverse the damage to our genes and our lives and our hearts.

We all need to work together to do the right thing. We need to nourish our souls. This means food needs to stop being a weapon of destruction. It needs to be the gift we give each other to heal. Please help me help everyone get better one meal at a time. We have the power to do the impossible. We need to use this power for good and now. Food is our greatest resource in healing. Food be thy medicine.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

P.S. On a personal note, I need to ask for help for myself from the Koreans, farmers, and middle men leaders. I get my mail at my friend Amber’s house. She recently threw away or stole my tax return. I now understand shes a middle men and in the professional cult but kept very small. I’m not looking to get revenge. I’m looking for a statement to be made. I need the fear of God instilled in her. I’m so tired of federal crimes being committed against me. This isn’t the first piece of important mail and I understand now I was naive to think I could have mail sent there. But when I get a po box my Dad will try to do the same things just with different people. So I need a statement to be made that I am not to be messed with so to speak. My whole life people have had criminal activity around me and never been held accountable. I need them to know they will be held accountable and I deserve my human rights, even if that just means not having my mail stolen. Amber has a tenant on her property in a studio that does abide by the farmers. He appears to be Non Hispanic south American. I suppose the farmers could use him to help instill a fear of God in the Morris family.

As for the leaders of the middle men and the Koreans, I’m completely unsure of how you all handle things. But please take care of this for me. I would really appreciate some respect and decency from people. I need them to know I deserve to be treated fairly. I’m not asking to be worshipped. I’m asking to get the same rights as everyone else. I just want and need to be treated equally. Anything you can do to make this happen I greatly appreciate. And I will get a po box very soon. Thank you for everything.

Happy Sunday Funday! I didn’t end up going to actual church today. I just couldn’t muster up the energy to deal with another predatory situation or experience. Religion has an agenda. Honestly I am not sure what that agenda is other than to enslave people and dominate the world. It seems a lot like my Dad. But yet, church is the only way towards our salvation. So where do we go from here?

At this point, no one is willing to take action based on what I have to say in the overt world. Everyone is still living in fear of my family. I get it. Most people have lived in this fear for the majority of not all their lives. It will take some time to pass.

At this point, I’m not in a place where I can create much on the overt world, other than this little domain I have purchased. This spot on the internet is where my whole revolution began. It seems small and lifeless. But it has taken on a life of it’s own.

People thought I was crazy to try to be revolutionary. They thought I was just putting off the inevitable. Which was my death. Everyone felt helpless, but they did the little covert things they could like staying home. Not until I reached the majority of Salem did I have real support. They knew they weren’t helpless. They knew we were all just being held hostage from what we truly deserve. Salem saved me. Not only did they help me reach more people from Washington to Redding than I ever imagined, but they gave me hope and mirrored me. They saw my humanity as their own.

Over the past 500 plus days, I have encountered people who doubt my ability to do the impossible everyday. This by design. This is what my Truman show aims to do in order to get me to give up. However, if I was incapable of doing the impossible I would not be alive. And I for sure would not make my Dad so mad because he feels out of control.

The gang stalkers have been going nuts at night. It’s as if they dont want the world to see what they are doing. Sleep deprivation is my Dad’s favorite brain washing took besides malnutrition. However, these things are not new to me. They just are.

The Koreans changed my overt world a lot. I feel safer than I have maybe ever. It’s pretty weird. I still get poisoned around people and poison in my food and water. But I finally feel like the war games are on my side. After over 500 days, the war games are finally showing me respect. Well, they are not trying to kill me overtly covertly. One day I hope to be respected. But I have to stay alive to get to that moment. So, this is a step in the right direction.

I dont know how looking for a job is going to change or if it will. But I have another interview this week and I am always applying for more jobs. The goal is get a job and get a studio so I can keep working through the winter and stay in town. I need somewhere to hide from the world in the overt world that is just mine. It will take months because my Dad interfered with my tax return. So I will have to fix that. But he messes with my taxes and human rights every chance he gets. Nothing new.

When I get an apartment, it will be a prison too. The people who live near me will sign up to hang stalk and poison me, whether it be through the walls or when I leave the comforts of my home even to walk the Haywood. I’m asking the farmers, the Koreans, and whoever is in charge of the middle men to make this a war crime and or just make it not happen. I dont know how, but just make the people stop taking their hate out on me. Hurt people hurt people and everyone is hurt nowadays. My whole life I have been a target, an unknowing target, of everyone’s hate. I’m tired of being the whipping boy for my family. Just make the people stop. And dear lord, please help me get a job.

So back to church, I am at a loss for how to create a church for us all. I know this is the next step we need to take in order to ensure our own safety. We need to create an organized religion that is not predatory, but has a physical place of business. And not just one place. It will need to be accessible to us all. We will need multiple chapters. Yes, some of this will be able to be broadcast on the internet in order to reach us all. But we need a safe physical place to go worship and meet with God. So we are going to start this just like I started my revolution. Right here on this domain on the internet, we are going to find God again together.

We are going to talk about beliefs and experiences and how we can learn and grow from everything to be better. I don’t know much about religion. But I know God. And God is all about doing better. It’s that easy. You are always loved and to pay him back for that you consistently try to be a better human in all ways. It’s not easy, but it’s simple. And we are going to talk about it. Sunday church with the farmers will continue. But everyone is welcome and expected. I’m sure there is a way to replay what I say if you are out and about. So just do that. I dont need you all to be at my back and call. Just check in when you have time. Life is about checking in with each other. That’s community and love. We share beliefs, a common goal to do better in order to reach potential, and we check in on one another. We don’t have to agree on everything. We are human and all different. However, its beautiful how so many groups of different people can come together over a common cause and belief. I’m so proud of you all. We are defying history right now. We defining how we will move forward from this point. We have accepted that we all deserve better. Do you know how big that really is? Do you understand we are doing what most people thought was impossible? It’s not just me, it’s all of us. We are doing the impossible. I’m so proud. I hope you all understand this wouldn’t be possible without you. You made this possible. This is your accomplishment to share and relish. You did the impossible. Now where else in your life are you going to do the impossible? Because now you know it’s in you. Its been there all along. So what’s next for you? Spend some time thinking about yourself and what’s possible for you. Because you just have to decide to do it and then take the steps necessary to get there. You can do anything you set your mind to and come up with a plan for. And look at me and this revolution. Sometimes that plan comes one step at a time. But you do that one step and the next one comes. One foot in front of the other. You just keep going.

Your Sunday church homework is not just to think about your future. But you need to create a place in your family for your dreams of the future to be supported. This means every week you need to have a meal with your family. A homemade meal where you are not rushed and you talk about your dreams and your week. And the place where the current connects to future. Ideally that is this now moment.

When I was little every Saturday we went to my Grandma Kudearoff’s house. I’m not sure what my Dad did those Saturdays, but my Mom and me we woke up showered and went to Grandma’s house. I watched cartoons, everyone was there talking, there was always food and I got to eat meat. Sometimes we even had two meals and didn’t go home till late that night. I realized recently I was only really feed potatoes, rice, and cake & cookies as a kid. This is why I have such digestion issues besides all the antibiotics I took. I never developed the enzymes necessary to digest most foods. However, this is why I have been able to survive this year. I have stuck mostly to raw meat(which digests itself and skips the colon mostly) and potatoes. Potatoes are literally a poisonous plant, but I was fed them so much as child my digestive system knows how to handle them. Potatoes are my saving grace literally.

Anyways, Saturday’s at my Grandma Kudearoff’s house I got to really eat. True they used food to destroy me, but I would have starved without those Saturdays. She let me have as much and whatever I wanted. It wasn’t healthy, but it saved my life and brain.

Food needs to be a tool to show love with. Food has the ability to heal. Food is thy medicine. We all need to learn what we can digest because it will save your life, just like it has saved mine. We need to all know how to cook. When we dont know how to cook we become more dependent on the food system that aims to destroy us. We will always be dependent on the food system, but we can make smarter choices. This means one meal or one day a week you all need to eat something to feed your soul with your family and/or friends. We are going to start small and just start with one meal a week.

When my Dad was married to Kris, she liked to make Sunday brunch or dinner. The Sunday dinners were nice because her kids had friends over and they talked a lot. Most weeks this was one of the few meals I ate without being alone and cooking for myself. It was the one nutritious meal I got most weeks. One meal a week can make a world of difference.

We start with one meal a week to change the world and deepen our connections to God. Because God is inside us all. We just need to be nourished in order to feel God. So take your vitamins, learn how to cook what you can digest, and start having church dinners with your family and/or friends. Tall about your dreams, your goals, and the steps you are taking to make those real. One meal a week can set you up for success for the rest of the week.

See you all again next Sunday, life is about rituals and routines that set you up for success.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

PS. There are a lot of California plates around me. Can we let them all know what’s happening please?

My Truman show changed drastically once again. It was a really big change. I saw more ethnic people in Eugene today while eating than I ever probably have seen before. And there is this one group of white people I could not figure out who they were. After a drive and being poisoned with E, the pieces came together.

There are a group of Nazis who did not flea to Scandinavia or South America. They were middle men who did not have the resources that the others did. And they were not faced with accountability for their war crimes. These people spread out throughout Europe and fell through the cracks. No one accounted for them and no one included them. They were left to their own devices. However, they know who is fancy within their own group. They have accounted for themselves since world war 2. The West family is a big name among them. People drop names around me like I should know what they are talking about. But I just see people who want to be accounted for and be included. These people aren’t loyal to the war games or the farmers. They are only loyal to themselves. And often drive Japanese cars. No one accounts for them. However, for them they are finally being recognized and asked to create my Truman show. This is the honor they have always been waiting for. They aren’t Aryans. They aren’t fancy in the war games. But they believe in destroying each other. They haven’t gotten to partake in the destruction of the world so they destroy each other to prove their importance and that they matter. And now they are destroying me.

These middle men are a lot like the Koreans. They have always just been trying to find a way to level the playing field. Unfortunately, no one has ever offered them the opportunity. At least until today, today they felt like they mattered. And like they are important.

Middle men, I would like you all to know you matter. However, your desire to show and prove your importance by destroying each other has caused you all to have the gene mutation that causes Fragile X Syndrome. Many people have this nowadays, but you all have destroyed each other so much in your quest to prove yourselves as important I dont think you will ever be able to recover from on a gene level. I dont know if you all understood what you were doing. But you got to stop.

You deserve better than this. We all deserve better than this. And if you all didn’t know, you are more than welcome in my revolution. I don’t intend to leave anyone out. You all are included and you matter. I apologize for not addressing you all directly sooner, but I have literally just been trying to stay alive. I still apologize though. I understand what it feels like to be fancy and never be treated well. I can relate to you all more than you will ever know.

You all owe me nothing. However, I am going to ask that you please stop working with my family to hurt me. Because in the end it will not only hurt you all, but it will hurt the world. I know it feels good to be recognized and needed. But I need you all to be revolutionary and become one of us. Over here we are uniting over a common belief that we all deserve potential. We will not agree on everything, but we will work it out as we go. Because we all deserve better. And that includes you. I would be grateful if you chose to be revolutionary. And it’s not just for me, it’s for the world. But mostly it’s for you all. Because we need to figure out how to reverse the gene mutations you all have inflicted on each other. I’m sure the Koreans have some research that could help us with this. They are pretty smart cookies you know. And I think you all need some scientists on your side as quickly as possible. Your future generations depend on it.

I look forward to hearing your side of everything.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

Dear Koreans

It has been 506 days since my Dad declared overt war on me. I know you all in the LA area have been tuned in for awhile. I saw you all trying to keep your people from hearing what I had to say. You all have a pretty big presence in LA. I loved Korea town in Las Vegas, but I had no clue.

I have been looking for the people who outrank my family in the war games for almost two years, but really all my life. I kept asking myself what my Dad wanted from you all. If he wants something he takes it. He doesn’t follow rules. Well, the only thing you all have that he can’t take is your place in the war games. You out rank the Graves family because you all covertly won World war 2. You dont know how grateful I am for this. My life has been a concentration camp and if it weren’t for you all the world would be a concentration camp.

My Dad tried to use me to steal your power in the war games. He gave me to A1 with intentions that I would willingly have his child. Luckily for all of us, I did not. My Dad would have used that child to steal your power in the war games. You all would have never recovered.

How is my Grandma Kudearoff tied in with you all? She was communist too. Quite the fancy lady, but she was just my Grandma. Everyone I have always taken at face value because I was never told about the war games. You all know I outrank my Dad in the war games right? I outrank everyone in my family. This is why I have been kept so small and in the dark.

Everyone in my life has tried to kill me. I have never slept with anyone who wasn’t the enemy. You all dont scare me. Just like the farmers dont scare me. You all are just people and you put on your pants one leg at a time just like I do. We might have fancy birthrights, but when it comes down to it. We are human. We are not Gods.

Over the past 506 days I have created a revolution and worked my way through the war games subgroup bu subgroup. No one is left fighting for my Dad, except his professional cult. I even have won his military army over. I honestly dont know much about leading an army. However, I have created the largest army out of anyone in my family in 506 days. These people are amazing. They believe in potential and they want better for themselves. I’m willing to fight for better for them because they fight for me whenever they can.

I’m not sure how you all fit into the war games here in the States. I do know the farmers are a big deal and people fear them greatly. The farmers are with me. They understand the destruction my Dad is undertaking and they understand that this is world war 3. Did you all know you were helping my Dad create world war 3 when you started associating with him around the time the Berlin wall went down? Did you know he had no good intentions for you all? His friendship is how he conquers people. I’m sure he has made you all do things that you didn’t understand the full story about and now he tells you that you are stuck with him. You aren’t stuck with him. He tries to do this to everyone. People are human we all make mistakes. The key is we have to make up for those mistakes by doing better. Live and learn right?

I represent an option and opportunity no one was told about. I represent hope. We all deserve better. I’m not going to try to pretend that I understand everything about communism or what you all do. But I do know that Koreans believe in potential. My Dad has taken potential off the table for everyone on a biological level. I’m pretty sure you all did not agree to this. You all have such fancy brains. They intrigue me. You all are a hybrid of both me and my brother. You’re logical and yet creative at the same time. Its Autism and Dyslexia combined for a stronger brain. To be able to utilize both sides of your brain like that must be a pretty amazing experience. You all wouldn’t do this if you didn’t believe in potential and being your best. My Grandma Kudearoff always told me to work hard and do my best. In her eyes Communism wasn’t as much about keeping people small as it was providing an even playing field. My Dad has a way of perverting things and ruining them. I dont believe you would create people with such fancy brains if you wanted them to be mindless and not driven. I think it’s safe to assume you too believe in potential.

This week I have figured out how we need to recreate the systems in order to overcome my Dad’s professional cult. He has hijacked capitalism and made it about privilege and staying small. We need to escape this of life to experience our potential. He has the world held hostage. However, we can overcome this with some structural changes. Not reinventing the wheel, but just using a different kind.

The answer is God and church. We need to make sure church and state do not meet. We need to reinforce the checks and balances for the war games. Otherwise we will always be vulnerable to people like my Dad. My family is great evil and we have too much power to not have checks and balances in place. Absolute power corrupts all. My life is proof of this. I have been held hostage my whole life because of the power my family has. I was supposed to take over for my Grandma Kudearoff and instead my Dad kept me small and hidden away trying to kill me and get me to breed. If my Dad continues to get away with everything, everyone will end up like me. We all will be held hostage, kept small, and made to breed. We kind of are already there.

I don’t have anything to offer in the overt world other than knowledge, wisdom, and know how on how to overcome my family. I can’t promise you all anything bright and shiny. I come to you asking for your help humbly. Because I know you owe me nothing.

However, I hope you see how hard I have worked not only to stay alive and be revolutionary, but to do the right thing. I can promise you all I will never try to take what is yours like the rest of my family. If we could work together towards our common belief of potential I would be very pleased. I want us to grow together. I am going to need someone to help me figure out what all the war games represent because with my birthrights people will never see me as just a human. I will forever be a representation of the war games. I need someone to help me with this. It’s a lot to process. I’m sure you all have some fancy people like me. I would like to meet them and know how they cope. Because we are all just human.

Currently, the farmers have taken amazing efforts to keep me as safe as they can. I’m very grateful. However, my Dad is blocking me from getting a job and from having a home. I’m not looking to be saved, I just need some help. I believe in potential so I am more than willing to work my way out of this situation. But I do need help getting the opportunity to work. Help with a home would be amazing. But if I had work, I could get a home. I have been living in my Jeep with my two dogs since this revolution. My Dad kidnapped one of my dogs about a month ago. I understand he’s scary and he takes whatever is in his grasp. I know better than anyone. However if there is anyone in the world who can stop him and my Brother, it’s me. I’m asking for your protection and help. Again, I’m unsure of how you all fit into the war games. But I know you have power over my Dad and the games as a whole.

I would adore if A1 could be my keeper so to speak, but he can’t be trusted when it comes to my Dad. He will roll over for the privilege my Dad has to offer just as he has in the past. I am unsure of who can be trusted. However, I am sure that I need a job and an apartment or house. The fewer people I’m around the safer I am and the safer the world is from having to live a life like I have.

I cannot promise you all much, but I promise to be a good person. And I promise to spend the rest of my life trying to right the wrongs of my families. We may not always agree and that’s to be expected. However, I will always be open to hearing your story and reasoning for why you believe things to be necessary.

If I can get all the farmers to work together towards a common goal, I believe that we can join forces without having a pissing contest for world domination and control. This isn’t a competition for me. It’s just my life.

I appreciate any help you all can give me. Thank you.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

My Dad has only wanted me to breed with white me. However in the past decade he was okay with a Korean heir. They have something he wants. What is it? We have a huge military presence in Korea. But just like with the farmers and the Argentinians, it’s the Koreans here in charge that matter. A1 wasn’t scared of my Dad at first. However in time his fear and trauma bond grew. What is my Dad buttering up the Koreans for? How is he going to go in for the kill on his relationship with them? My Dad doesn’t form relationships with anyone that is not predatory. He has an agenda. What is it? Where the Koreans quick enough to catch on or did they get caught up in his web of lies and deception?

I need to talk to the Koreans in charge here. Please get them all nationwide to tune in tonight. I’m going to ponder what I need to say to them and give Haywood a bath cause he has fleas. We will talk tonight. I have a feeling they will be happy to speak with me because I think they understand I’m a bigger loose end than my Dad ever let on.

Talk soon

Nicole D Graves

God is the answer. My Dad is so convinced he is God that he is eliminating church and state. He wants us to believe the IRS is God. This is also why the people I interview with stress benefits so much. Pay me what I’m worth and I can buy my own things, heck with your benefits that are designed to keep me small, manageable, and destroy me. Leaving me a constant rat on a hamster wheel.

This is my Dad’s fascination with Korea. They dont have church and state. They are communist. They tell you they love you and will care for you while destroying you.

Churches are a war games check balance of some sort. It’s where some of the money from the war games is kept. That’s why after my Grandma Kudearoff died and we all got her money we stopped going. This is why Baptist churches are all over in Washington and Texas. They are huge up in Washington. I never imagined. It will be the complete sticks with nothing around and then there will be a huge million dollar church. I felt their hate while I was there. This is all why I am safe at churches. They don’t want to draw attention to themselves. It’s not that they are good people. They have their own selfish reasons. They dont want to be held accountable for their war games crimes. Especially the crimes they have profited off of.

God is a lie to all you people. No wonder I freak you out so badly when I talk about God. I thought everyone talked to God. Aren’t we supposed to? Apparently, I missed the memo.

So my Dad wants to eliminate God and the churches so he doesn’t have competition. And I want to start a church. Funny how things work out, huh?

Farmers, I think we need to start a church. I am not sure how the religions work, but I dont think any of them are not acts of destruction on some level. I’m not sure, but it’s a safer bet for me to assume they are used as weapons. God is not meant to be a weapon. God is love. God is unconditional love. God is not someone you buy. God just is. There is such perfection in his ability to just be with us all through everything. We dont have to pay for his presence. He’s just there because he loves. Did you know people who believe God to be forgiving and loving have better epigenetics than those who believe him to be into punishment? It’s true. Love changes everything and it always will.

So today I found the structure and foundation that we need to build our new system on. Once again I’m unsure of the next steps, but they will come. Once again I have accomplished the unthinkable and Eugene is covered in a thick haze blocking the stars. The stars still exist, even though they have been hidden from us all. Just like God exists.

God is the answer. My Dad and/or the government or the IRS are not God. No matter how much they lie to you and try to tell you they are.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

This morning I woke up two different times with lightbulb moments. My brain does puzzles while I sleep. First, my brothers generation is so weird and a different kind of species because food in 1992 became genetically modified and bioengineered without having to be labeled. So most the cells in their bodies are built of amino acids that are weird to put it plainly. They literally aren’t human. Plus, people in the war games starve their children of having enough protein. This is why so many children are so short. This is why I didn’t grow till I was 16. This is why my Dads so short. Short man syndrome is a real thing, they were starved of enough protein to actually grow as children. Protein is where we get our amino acids which are building blocks for our bodies. This is why I looked like an Ethiopian child and why all my cousins are so short. I dont know how my Brother and I got enough protein to be tall. My best guess is neglect and taco bell. We both loved taco bell and beans are a great source of protein. I dont kniw though. We also were two of the fattest kids in our family so maybe it was just a volume thing. We were far and starving. It was awful and painful.

Second, maybe we don’t have to create a completely new economy. Maybe we can just use the framework from an existing economy within capitalism. Religion is an economy within an economy. It is also a place where people share beliefs. It is also where my Dad got some of his ideas for his cult.

Let’s review my Dad’s life a little so you all can see where his cult originated. He grew up in Texas as a Southern Baptist going to revivals. Remember the movie Leap Of Faith with Steve Martin? They were like that. My Dads brain lit up when we watched that movie in the 1980s. Not because it brought back memories of home or anything positive, but because he saw all those people as having a weakness he could and can exploit. My Dad is a swill merchant minus the alcohol. He will get you drunk on feeling like you belong and you are special and chosen. But really it’s just him setting you up for the kill. I have the ability to do what he does. But honestly I would rather just be straight forward with everyone. This is how it is seems to be more my style. I hate beating around the Bush, what a waste of time. Yet. The rest of family thrives off beating around the Bush and never never being straight forward and honest. It’s just annoying and it wastes all our time.

So church, revivals, the military, Korea, the war games, Nlp, etc. These are all places my Dad found things he could incorporate into his cult. I wonder if he premeditated what he was doing? I think he did. With the professional cult he for sure did.

There is a big time to Korea I still dont fully understand. A1 was Korean and the only Asian people I was exposed to were Korean after my grandma Kudearoff died. My Dad has some kind of agreement with them or something. My mom was so proud that her DNA test said we are part Korean. Shes only proud of destruction. Plus, the way A1 used to treat my Mom is still puzzling a bit. He hated her, not overtly. But I felt it.

So there are more puzzle pieces. Also today, I realized you all dont talk to God like I do. I talk to God out of the very top of my head. Its above my logical brain. I didn’t do this until after my head surgery. My head surgery opened up another world for me. I have access to things you all dont. I can feel everything. I can feel disease in other people’s bodies. I can feel sound. It’s hard to explain.

My Dad holds you all hostage. He steals your self worth and self confidence with privilege. Then he sells you all on the idea that he is God and your only savior.

My Dad is not God. And you are worth more than you will ever know. At least until we change the system. When we value potential and the people who can lead us there, life will completely change. Until you explore your limits you will not value yourself as you deserve. How can you value yourself when you dont understand your own skills and talents? You need to get to know yourself.

And I need to go to church this weekend. Church was taken from me when my grandma Kudearoff died. I know I’m going to make people incredibly uncomfortable. But it will be a great way to see who is really religious and a believer and who is just putting on a show.

I went to my Grandma Kudearoff church in San Francisco last year. It was an awful experience, but I learned a lot. The Catholic church is a part of the dark side. Which I should have known. A1 went to an all boys Catholic boarding school and look how he turned out. My Grandma Kudearoff grew up in a Russian Orthodox covenant/orphanage and that’s where she got part of her fancy from. Religion is a war games weapon. But what if we can use religion to fight back? What if we can use the structure and the tax breaks to fight back? It’s an economy within an economy. They provide safety to one another and care for one another based on common beliefs. Its seems like it could work. It’s worth exploring for sure.

Today, something changed. I have no clue what I said or if the farmers said something. But it’s pretty magical. No one gang stalked me while I picked out my garlic tonight. I think my potato wedges just had normal poison. My meat also just had normal poison. A few people poisoned me in the store, but not many. People mostly left me alone. I have never been left alone in a grocery store before. I dont kniw what’s happening. Its really weird. But I’m going with it and taking it as a good sign. They poison me less at Safeway parking lot than they do at my favorite church. It’s like they don’t want to be seen doing what they do. A lady that lives by the church who was proud of poisoning me about a month ago looked shameful today. What changed? I’m still the same human. However shes not. She changed. What changed in you people? Some questions I may never get the answer to.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

No one will be safe until we create a new way of life and a new economy. My Dad has hijacked capitalism and made it a game of privilege. Everyone is scared of him because they value their homes and families. And this won’t stop after my Dad dies. My brother will take over for my Dad at holding the world hostage.

My whole life I have tried to overcome my family in the matter world. But I have never escaped them, just like you all haven’t. There is no where to run because everyone will continue to follow his orders out of fear. Sure, not as many people are signing up to gang stalk and poison me. However, the moment I walk into anyone’s place of business looking for a job they treat me like I have the plague. People fear being treated as I am being treated and they should I have been used as a training tool my whole life. Even the Kudearoffs fear my Dad. They know just how far he will go because it’s just as far as they would go, but my Dad has more power.

The only way out of this is through. There is no escaping for any of us. However, we can choose to do differently. We won’t be able to keep each other safe until we do differently.

I’m not saying we need to give up on money. I love money. It provides freedom and options. But we do need to find a better way where we are in control. It’s not fair that one person gets to decide the financial well being of the world pretty much. The farmers especially are a group my Dad picks on. If they were more free to do what they are good at, we could have better quality food and thus in turn health. We are being held hostage on so many levels.

So how do we get freedom, good food, and potential? How do we create a new economy? You all know I’m not great at answering the how questions, but I can tell you What we need to do. We need to start supporting the people who share our beliefs and morals/ethics. The sub groups in the war games used to help us all do this. However, now there is so much division. The sub groups do not agree on what they support. Everyone is striking out on their own and doing what they please. There is no unity. We need unity. We need to know who the people are who share our beliefs.

I encourage you all to look around you often and ask yourself if the gene mutations you see are something you want to support. Today, the dark side was back to hang stalking me. Their gene mutations, epigenetics, and epigenetic triggers are so so much worse. This is what the belief in destruction leads to. Your beliefs effect who you are on a gene level. And who you surround yourself with also effects who you are on a gene level. Everything comes back to epigenetics. You do business with one person who supports the dark side and you think it doesn’t effect you. But it does. Even just the thoughts that go through your head when you interact with someone effect your epigenetics. Everything effects your epigenetics.

So step 1 is find the people who share your beliefs. These are the people you need to do business with. Support those who support your beliefs. Sharing beliefs is more important than almost anything. It’s the foundation of any relationship worth keeping.

The next thing is expand your skillset. We all have been kept small. And we all have been kept in an alkaline state which makes us confused, emotional, and anxious. Do stuff. Learn how to do as much stuff as possible. When you know how to do things, you feel confident. This helps battle the anxiety we are designed to never escape.

During Covid, I learned so much stuff. It was amazing. It was one of the best years of my life. I had a great time alone. I encourage you all to do things outside your comfort zone that force you to grow. Do it just because it makes you a better human, not because it will increase your pay grade.

Honestly, I still dont kniw the rest. I’m still building this revolution out of nothing as we fly. I want so badly to ask for help, but I understand you all can’t help me in the overt world. I’m on my own and that’s really hard. I really would love a friend. But for now you all and the farmers are the closest to friends I get. And I have to be okay with that and be grateful to have you all.

Today, I had an interview for a temp job at an insurance company. The owner was so nervous and had sweaty palms and could barely talk. It was a hard day for him and I felt bad for putting him in such a weird situation. But I need a job and I’m more than qualified to do the jobs o have applied for.

This whole situation just sucks. But we will get through it and I will get through it. I’m a master at holding onto hope. For most of my life, life was hopeless in the overt world. There has never really been a good reason for me to have hope. Yet, here I am having defied more odds than I ever could have imagined.

I may not know all the answers today, but they come with time and patience.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

Haywood and I ate today after 21 days of fasting. It was pretty good. I’m grateful for food and so many things. We had a huge raw steak and I had potato wedges from the deli. I shared a few, but Hay doesn’t need potatoes. My brain was super sensitive to food. Let me tell you what I learned. Raw steak was amazing and exactly what my body needed. It lit up my reptilian brain with satisfaction. Not addictive satisfaction, but healthy awww feeling satisfaction. However, the potato wedges made me feel loved. I have noticed this feeling with potatoes on and off throughout this adventure, but I never understood it till today. The potatoes effected the middle part of my brain. Where my reptilian and logical brain meet. Which is weird because food is apart of our reptilian brain. There is no reason it should effect any other part. So I looked at the ingredients. They have biologically engineered ingredients. This is exactly the same thing as the chocolate cake I ate a couple months ago. It had biologically engineered ingredients and it too made me feel loved. So here is my hypothesis. Biologically engineered ingredients make you have food orgasms in your brain and make you feel loved. While at the same time attacking and confusing the connections between your reptilian and logical brain to ensure it’s more difficult to transition into logical thought. If the pathways are damaged, the transitions between the two brains will be damaged. Crazy right!? This is why they always give me more potatoes than I ask for, no matter the state or the store. They always give me too much. They literally trying to give me brain damage. And you all too. No wonder so many people eat fast food. Its biologically engineered food. It makes you feel loved, while dumbing you down and blocking your access to your logical mind. No wonder people who eat a lot of fast food seem a bit slow. They are slow by design. But honestly, I’m still going to eat the potatoes the next time I eat. They are way better than chancing the chemicals that mess with your limbic and reproductive systems in potato chips. This world is all about choosing the lesser evil when it comes to many things. I’m thinking of I can keep my alternate day eating that will be best for managing my lymphoma and keeping my swelling to a minimum. I need to start walking again. The past 10ish days I haven’t walked because the poisons were so bad I felt like I was going to puke.

I can’t believe I made it 21 days fasting. I’m so proud of myself. The longest I have gone before this was like 5 or 7 days. I have fasted so much this year. Its been amazing and just what I needed. Haywood looks amazing. He lost a ton of weight, but still has more to go. Yesterday he sat on my lap and did not leave for all over me for the very first time every. Even when I first got him he would ruin my clothes when he sat on me. He is turning more red again and he chases bugs like he used to as a kid. He’s so amazing. He lays his head on me now like he used to and wants to be close more. This was exactly what he needed too. I did catch him eating a rat tail from a dead rat he found today, but he always loves dead things. I’m just grateful he didn’t roll in it. And I fed him parasite medicine afterwards.

I have been looking for a job like no other. It’s pretty annoying, but I am just jumping through the hoops. Tomorrow I have a couple interviews. They are probably complete Truman shows, but I’m still going and I’m still trying. They have been keeping me up all night with poisons. I learned in Arizona as long as I lay down and rest everything will be okay in the end. Sleep deprivation is something used to break people. I’m not new to this, but it sucks.

I saw my college friend Gina today at Safeway. My Dad likes to use people I know in my Truman show. Gina, you look so good. It was really nice to see you. You were my favorite person before you went to AA and got all weird. I always told you that you weren’t helpless, but now I can explain the science behind it. I hope you take some natural antibiotics and lay off the bagels a bit. You and bread. I miss having donuts with you and Jas and Marji at 2am after the bars. Those were moments I will never forget and always cherish. Know I love you always and forever and you are more powerful than you will ever know. I promise you have no clue how powerful you are and one day I will have the science to explain myself. Do some fasting and talk to God and he will show you, just like how I showed you energy when we used to do E. You are amazing.

So the farmers did something. I’m not sure what, but the police woke me up and didn’t ask for my ID or anything. They were just checking on me. It was the same two from last week who I chit chatted with while walking the Haywood. My Dad’s pissed. And the people seem to be trickling out of his grasp even more today as time passes. Orders from the farmers tend to take a couple days because they dont utilize modern technology like my Dad. I wonder what they said. The people left fighting are strongly Republican and have no clue who they are getting into bed with. It’s a sleeping with the enemy situation and they are clueless. How can they be so naive? I still wonder what the farmers said. I had no expectations on them saying anything to improve my situation. But it seems yet again, they have.

I went to the food stamp office in Eugene today. I had never been to this location. If you want to see the slave race and gene mutations and epigenetic triggers that are taking place go to the department of human services. It was scary. I’m not scared by much, but these people scared me. They needed to parasite cleanse so badly. They were in pain and had been kept small most of their life. It made me so grateful that I found a way out. It may not have lasted for long, but I got to see and experience the world. I got to live and some people never get that. I’m lucky and I will never take that forgranted.

I wonder so much what the farmers said. I’m going to ponder it and relax for a bit before I get ready for tomorrow.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

I spent the last week or so playing dead and researching mainstream people. Most of my life I lived without TV, wifi, and a driver’s license. So I was extremely sheltered. Not until 2010 did I get Wifi and Netflix. I have no clue what you people are really like. But I do know it’s very different than who I am. Not that I’m better. I’m just different biologically and genetically and epigenetically. I was designed to be different than you all. And I was sheltered so I would never be able to reach you all. But here we are defying so many obstacles.

There are so many things that go unwritten pr unspoken that I never knew. But now that I know so many more things, so many more things make sense. I always wondered why Hispanic men had this cockiness about them. However, the Hispanic men I dated were the best to me. Not with money or things, but with the way they treated me. They know love and they know how to show love. Its really amazing. White men don’t have this. Asain men are a bit better. But Hispanic men know how to make a woman feel loved, appreciated, safe, and like a lady. Now I understand Hispanic south Americans are the ones who dominate the war games in the United States and they just need to have that one person who knows their softer side and who doesn’t take it as a weakness. Love is a strength. It’s the greatest strength of all.

I was raised to believe that Hispanic people were less than just like Black people. However, I now realize my Dad’s viewpoint is not shared by many. His views are old and outdated. And the power dynamics of the war games have proven him to be wrong. There is no way to create his ideal Aryan race and out number the rest. The majority is not going to accept being less than. Especially, when they dominate the war games. The majority holds the majority of the power. It’s a beautiful thing really. Power needs to be spread out throughout all the people as evenly as possible. We all need representation.

So here we are the majority. And here we are with the majority of power. And yet my Dad is still holding us all hostage and keeping us from our potential and good health. It’s funny how a small handful of people can ruin things for us all.

My friend and honorary step brother Enrique in Florida says I have these Mom moments where I just tell people how it is. And I need to have one of these moments with the farmers, but especially the southern LA farmers. Someone has to tell you all how it is. And it seems like people are pretty scared of you all. So I assume people rarely speak freely around you all. All I know is evil powerful people so you all are just family. So I need to speak freely and I probably will never stop doing so.

You all knew. You all knew about the genocide. You just never put it in genocide perspective. You thought you were going to profit off people getting sick and diseased. My Dad got you all to help him start world war 3 in the 1980s and you all did it because you thought you were going to profit off of it. However, you never imagined my Dad would double cross you and hold you hostage by controlling the farming industry and food industry. You became a victim of your own greed. How does that feel? You have been reaping what you sowed for decades now. You never imagined my Dad would be able to bypass the war games by creating a cult. You got too big for your britches and look what it has done to all of us. How have you all explained this to God? People get really uncomfortable when I talk about God. I’m not sure why, but I know it has something to do with my childhood. My Mom told me I had an imaginary friend as a kid, I think it was God. I’m not sure. But God has been my best friend my whole life. I know the Hispanic South Americans believe in God. My family believes themselves to be Gods. I’m not a God. I’m human. However, God loves me faults, mistakes, imperfections and all. I’m perfectly human to him. I dont aspire to be anything else.

But my question is, how do you all explain yourself to God. He loves you no matter what. But you still have to repent for your sins. How have you all made up for selling out to the dark side? How do you even attempt to make up for something like that? Have you even tried? Your actions have had a global effect. A negative global effect. We are dying and diseased because of what you all have done. I’m sure you all want to think of yourselves as the victims, but you’re not. We the people are the victims. You all are guilty of being like my Dad. Just because it didn’t turn out as he promised you, does not free you from your sins. Honestly, it was your saving grace. Because he would have made you all do so many more worse things. You would never have been able to recover from.

I understand it’s hard to face yourself and the mistakes you have made, but you have to in order to heal and make things right. I know you all want to make things right. If you didn’t you all would never have offered me so much protection and help. Especially, because I didn’t know to look for you all or what you all were capable of. Especially when I found the southern LA farmers last year. You all have saved my life. All the farmers up and down the west coast have saved me. Sure, I’m not all the way safe. But I’m a lot closer than I was last year. If you all didn’t want to make up for your sins, you would have never helped me.

However, my question is how are you going to continue to make up for your sins? God is forgiving, but he also expects us to right our wrongs. It only took me 6 months of buying produce from a Hispanic grocery store in Vegas to develop extreme autoimmune issues. 6 months. I never would have guessed it was the store I was buying my produce from that was the root cause. So much so, that when I moved to Arizona I continued to buy produce from the Hispanic grocery store there. Eventually, I gave up all vegetables and went carnivore to heal my gut, autoimmune diseases, and body. However, how many people do you think are willing to go to this extreme? Most people would never do half the things I have done to heal, because their nervous system is not as hyperactive and sensitive. They don’t feel pain like I feel pain. The pain of leaky gut was worse than cancer. I dont kniw if you all understand the pain you are causing people. Are you all overweight? In about Oxnard or a little north of there I saw healthy south Americans aka Argentinians. But they were not Hispanic. And they were quite privileged. Other than that I have never really seen healthy Argentinians on this trip. Oh Samta Barbara I saw one couple in the really affluent neighborhood, and again they weren’t Hispanic.

So my question is are you all killing yourselves too? My uncle Joe that represents the Bikers and Mexicans my family is taking over, he kills himself with food. Everyone in my family does.

I saw a young girl on YouTube. She was obese and close to morbidly obese. Probably about 8ish years old. She was on an eating show encouraging people to eat granola in the frozen yogurt or fruit bowl. This little girl knew about the destruction. However she didn’t know how that destruction was effecting her in her daily life. You all know the pieces to the destruction, but its seems that you have never put the pieces together. Why?

There are so many covert messages and even overt messages to eat things that feed C Diff bacteria on YouTube and just in the world in general. Do you all realize that when you feed C Diff you are guaranteeing that you live a life of fear and anxiety. Even more than the damage to your Amygdala ensures? C Diff attacks your kidneys. Your kidneys represent fear and anxiety in Chinese medicine. There is no way to have a good life if you continually feed C Diff. I understand everything feeds c diff but a lot of things are way worse than others. Why do you all encourage people to feed this bacteria? Living in fear, anxiety, and disease is a special kind of help. Why wish that on people?

After researching mainstream people for 12 hours a day for 7 to 10 days, I realized what we need to do. We are the majority. We have the majority of the power. However, my Dad is great at emotional manipulation. What he does is pretty basic and pedestrian. It’s not magic. The only way we overcome him is by overcoming ourselves and our emotions.

Hispanic people are no more passionate than any other group of people. However they do have insulin resistance and diabetes more than others. This means they are more addicted to their emotions. Being emotional is merely a sign you need to balance your hormones. Passion is good, but it’s different than being emotional.

So here is the plan: All the farmers need to order the people to control their insulin and eat less. I know it sounds crazy and overly simple. But the more we balance our hormones the more we are able to emotionally regulate ourselves. This is how we overcome my Dad. He gets his power by making people feel less than and feel lack. The more you realize you have everything you need inside you. The more you realize you dont need all the material things.

Dont get me wrong I missed Vegas today and my big house and going to the Korean bathhouse and my pajama sets. But then I realized I took too long of a shower and it spiked my insulin a lot. It took a couple hours and the feelings went away. I was dying in Vegas. They were killing me. Sure the things were nice and one day I want matching pajamas again. But I felt so empty inside when I lived there. That’s why I bought all the things. And I miss the things because it would be nice to have both now. But one day that will come in time.

Farmers, you all helped create these people who are emotionally based and who are reactive because you thought you were going to profit from it. Well, now the only way you will profit is if you undo what you have done. It’s time to save your own souls by righting the wrongs of your past. I’m not sure how you all do things, but when you say things people tend to listen. I encourage you all to use this to do good. God loves you, but you still have to atone for your sins. You all are good people. You would not have helped me otherwise. This is your moment to do better.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

Today marks 500 days since I escaped the death camp in southern Arizona. 500 days of daily attempted murder, worse than the rest of my life. 500 days of being alone in my Jeep and traveling around the west coast letting people know what’s really happening. 500 days of being revolutionary. 500 days of figuring out who my families really are. 500 days of realizing my whole life has been a lie. 500 days of learning I’m more sane than I ever could have imagined. 500 days of seeing people for how empty they really are. Etc

I have learned enough to write books for the rest of my life in the past 500 days. Its been a lot to say the least. I never imagined this whole mess would last this long. I never imagined so many of my basic human rights would be infringed on and stolen. I never imagined my family would play so dirty. Yet, here we are. 500 days. I feel like I deserve an award or at least a plaque. I have done the impossible. I have connected with the people. I found the farmers. I even got my Dad’s military army to drop out of this war against me. Shoot I got the war games armies to drop out of this war. Shoot I got Everyone to drop out of this war against me. Well, except a very select few people who are still signing up to be in my Dad’s professional cult. They view it as an opportunity they cannot pass up. An opportunity they never would have been offered before. Yet, they don’t question why they are being offered this opportunity now? We all know it has nothing to do with who they are or what they have to offer. It’s simply that they are the only ones left. It’s literally the bottom bottom of the barrel. I have never seen this kind of people ever before in my life. I’m not sure how to describe them other than left out of the equation. They have always just wanted to belong and be apart of things. And this is their opportunity.

These people are the same people you all have spent a lifetime policing and keeping them in their place. I think it’s time you show them their place. I’m not sure how you all have been taught to condition people, but this would be a perfect time to use the skills you were taught. Treat these people like they have the plague or covid or whatever it is you do.

I can’t do this alone. I have done everything I can do on my own. The only way we are going to get any further is if you all actively help me. I’m not talking helping me in the overt world, I’m talking help me move towards better in the covert war. This way we can have better in the overt world. We need to do this together.

And right now my job is to stay alive and get a job and take care of Haywood. Today is day 18 of fasting. I have done amazing. I have been mostly dry fasting the past couple days because they poison me so much it really messes with any water I try to get. However, I’m doing it. My goal is to get to Monday and 21 days. 3 weeks is a good amount of time to reset my body. The less fat I have the less toxins I have in my body. I have been skinnier than this before. And I have realized how much my body has gone through in the past 5 years, but especially the past 500 days. It’s a miracle I’m alive. It’s a miracle I have lived my life and not died in my 30s. I was not designed to get old. But if I can survive the past 500 days, I can do anything I put my mind to. Even fast for 21 days. I may not be able to explore my potential in many ways, but I can still push myself to be better. I encourage you all to do the same. Try something new and make yourself do uncomfortable things. You will be proud of yourself and develop more self worth. Self worth is really just self love. Do you!

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

Weston Price is a dentist who researched the cause of why dental problems arose after industrialization. He traveled all over the world visiting places where people lived traditionally. He then compared the people who lived in industrialized cities/areas with people who lived as they had for 100s of years. Really he was studying epigenetics, but I dont think he knew this.

Weston Price found that people who lived traditionally and kept their traditional cultures not only had better health and healthier children, but they also had better teeth and bone structure. Have you ever seen someone with eyes really close together? That’s because of epigenetics and the mother not nourishing her body before pregnancy. We see signs everyday of the problems industrialization cause us. Yet, we are desensitized to them and conditioned to think they are normal. Bad health is not normal. It’s done by design.

I realized over the past couple days that it’s not just a few select races and their foods that are acts of genocide. We are all being eliminated. All races are experiencing genocide. Every kind of food is a weapon of destruction.

In the 1970s, it wasn’t as bad. However, it still existed. When industrialization took place in the US and probably everywhere else too, the destruction started. My educated guess is that whoever was in charge was aiming at creating a slave race of some sort. Or maybe it was just a way to weaken people and make them good worker bees. But that’s a slave race right?

This destruction started around the turn of the century and has never stopped since. However when my Dad came into power in the 1980s, he upped the ante on everything. Our life expectancies are going down if that explains how much the destruction increased. This is why he encourages people to breed so early. He wants everyone to have the kids, work the mind numbing job, but into the systems, get sick, pay into the healthcare system, and die. There is no room for potential. There is not even room for life.

Kris was able to almost escape from my Dad because she didn’t eat much. My Dad used to make her eat. He used her just like he used my Aunt Lydia to get me to eat foods that would destroy me. Even in Vegas, I still occasionally ate Fritos dipped in cottage cheese with black pepper. This is a complete weapon of destruction. And I only ate it occasionally because it hurts my stomach. However, I associate good memories of Kris with the food she taught me to eat. Its comfort food. There is an emotional connection in my brain that is soothing. Just like the Doritos I used to eat with my Aunt Lydia when we were camping when I was a kid.

I dont know how to disconnect the brain connections that make some foods comfort foods. I have always been obsessed with pizza because it reminds me of my Grandma Kudearoff. She always used to buy us all pizza.

After days of watching food videos and simmering on everything, I realized the goal of the systems is to make all food comfort foods. And I realized Brenda did not fair as well as Kris because she bought into the social norms about eating. We can overcome the poisons of we dont eat often. It’s hard, but it’s how I have survived. I just never realized it before.

In my experience the key is educating yourself about food and turning in to how it makes you feel. Every food is a weapon of destruction. I told you all I had not found a safe food. Well, I was more right than I ever imagined. The more you eat, the weaker you will be. Dont get me wrong I’m going to eat a lot when I’m done with this fast. But I realized I have stayed alive, not by eating healthy, but having food rules and eating calorie dense foods. So my intestines dont have to process so much destruction. All the foods you eat because you think they are good for you, they aren’t. Unless you are eating fermented foods and even then they add in things that are weapons of destruction. So eat the chips, eat the French fries, etc. Just dont eat often. That’s the key to surviving this war that has been going on for more than a century. Dont eat often. Gorge yourself with somewhat smart choices and then fast. Any time you eat sauce or anything spicy you are killing yourself. Plain food is the way to go. Skip the salt pepper, skip the spices, skip the sauces, etc. Just eat plain food as much as possible. Eating pizza? Skip the sauce. Eating fries, skip the sauce. And choose fries instead of onion rings. Onions kill your gut bacteria thus allowing for C Diff to flourish. Everything is a weapon of destruction. Potatoes are a nightshade and toxic. They are literally a poisonous plant. Yet, potatoes are one of the few things I can really digest well. What does that say about the foods we eat? If I can digest a poisonous plant better than most foods we are in a pretty bad place.

I haven’t written in a couple days because I just want to crawl into my Autism silence and stop talking. But I know we need to talk and communicate in order to survive. Now is not the time for me to get selfish and indulge in my feelings. I don’t know if I’m ever going to get to indulge in my feelings, but I hope one day I will.

So I have been sad and overwhelmed by the destruction. I’m mourning food. But again I realized when I tried to eat healthier that’s when my life and health went down the drain. So I’m going to eat the crappy food I want within reason and my rules. Just like I did before. I may be super skinny, but I will be alive. Today is day 16 of my fast. They are poisoning me with the chemicals that make me nauseas and my mouth water. At this rate, I dont think I will have much of a problem continuing this fast. Greasy cheese pizza without sauce with a side of raw ground beef is less than appealing when I feel like I need to puke. However, they used this poison on me a lot in the past decade I just never realized it before. Ever poison brings back memories. It’s weird.

I had another interview today. Fingers crossed, but I am not too hopeful. My Dad has been freaking out a lot the past couple days. I have no clue why. I have literally been staying to myself and not doing anything. I have not even been talking to you all. Yet, hes freaking out like never really before. The people he has fighting this war for him have reached another all time low. But he still has people. Have you all talked to one another about what’s happening and the dangers of joining a cult, but especially my Dads cult. Once you are on his radar, you never escape and destruction is the only guaranteed outcome. It’s like playing Russian roulette. There is no real winner.

I’m going to go back to silent mode. I’m sure I had more to say, but I will remember it another day.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

I cracked the code! EUREKA! I finally figured out the food weapon of destruction puzzle. It has only taken 41 years, but it finally fell into place last night. There are so many pieces. I am sure I will leave something out but I took a few notes so bare with me while I try to make this simple.

Epigenetics are the easiest to manipulate by changing what you eat. The skinnier you are the better your epigenetics. Overweight people have worse epigenetics. Basically anytime you eat you are effecting your epigenetics. And it’s not as much about what you eat as how often you eat. Someone starving has better epigenetics than someone just a little overweight. Less is truly more when it comes to food. You can eat big portions but you can’t est that often. Think midevil times when they would have feasts. They ate a lot, but they didn’t snack and they didn’t feast every day.

In the 1970s, people were relatively healthy. At least they were way healthier than they are today. Did you know kids born today have a shorter life expectancy than their parents? It’s the first time in history this has ever happened. If this doesn’t scream that we are doing something incredibly wrong I dont know what does.

Anyways in the 1970s, there was no snacking. They ate 3 meals a day. In the 1980s, snacking was introduced. And then the idea that we need to eat every two hours and the food pyramid. This is when health problems started to increase significantly. Fatty liver became something that was common in people who weren’t alcoholics for the first time in history. Diabetes became an epidemic and all other autoimmune diseases started to become commonplace. Also, in the 1980s Genetically modified foods became common place. This was one of the key factors in the rise of autoimmune diseases like diabetes. Also processed foods became more commonplace as well with added sugars and salt which both spike insulin. So the 1980s is when it all started to go downhill.

My whole life I have been kept bored, lonely, and without potential. This is by design. We all are kept small, have our experiences limited, and our genuine connections to humans are also limited. Add these to our C Diff infection that changes the way our brain processes dopamine making us addicts by design and default and we are always searching for comfort and dopamine. It’s not your fault you are wired to do this. This is how we are set up to fail and self destruct. Well, it’s one of the largest ways there are many others.

So you are an addict always searching for comfort and dopamine. Social norms are used to lead you towards the things that will destroy you while profiting the system of destruction. When you see someone doing something your brain fires as if you are doing the thing. Mirror neurons make you human, but they also can be used against you. So your whole life you have seen people eating all the time. You were taught three meals a day with snacks. So you mirror what you have seen your whole life. Marketing, commercials, grocery store ads, TV, radio, etc. Everywhere talks about food and eating. The people around you at work eat all the time. Everyone eats all the time. It’s only abnormal when someone doesn’t eat and then you wonder what’s wrong with them. We have been conditioned to think more is better. When really more is killing us on an epigenetic level.

Autism is not just an epigenetic disease of the brain, it effects the nervous system. My Autism is different than you all’s Autism. Your C Diff infection will never make you smart like me or have as much of an overactive nervous system. You will die from chronic illness or a colon obstruction before you ever become like me. Your Autism was designed to keep you small and weak. And dont get me wrong my Autism is not all amazing, it too comes with great costs.

Remember how I said my nervous system made me more aware of the food issues/problems. Well, I was right. Your digestive system has it’s own nervous system. It’s called the enteric nervous system. There are a shit ton of nerves in your digestion and it connects with the vagus nerve.

The vagus nerve is a huge deal. If you have anxiety, it’s your vagus nerve. Your vagus nerve allows your nervous system and body to switch between parasympathetic and sympathetic responses. Basically are you relaxed or are you reactive. When you are in a reactive state aka sympathetic, your digestion slows down and/or stops. You dont feel those nerves in your digestion because your body is in a fight or flight response. So you all are less sensitive to the nerves you have. And on top of that you are kept in a stressed state so that you are numb to the damage you are doing to your digestion and your body.

When you are in a stressed state, you look towards food for comfort. Food lowers your cortisol. It’s an amazing tool to relax and can help turn on your parasympathetic nervous system. However, if you are constantly using food to calm down that means you are just perpetuating a cycle of getting stressed turning on your sympathetic nervous system aka fight or flight and then using food to turn on your parasympathetic nervous system to relax. It’s a vicious cycle. I have been there. It sucks. It feels like hell because you just want relief. And then your other hormones are all over the place because your stressed and eating all the time. You feel stuck and dont know where to turn. And your addicted to your emotions because your insulin levels are all over the place. Its literally a special kind of help.

Pretty much all food is designed to feed our C Diff infections. I have yet to find a completely safe food. And I have spent a long time looking. The more we eat, the more we feed our c diff infections, and the more diseased and attached to things we get. Materialism is literally feed by the food you eat. Our economy is reliant on you eating and feeding your c diff infection. Pretty crazy right? The most revolutionary thing you can do is skip meals and eat less. The systems of destruction and the economy are banking on you being an addict and feeding your c diff infection. They are banking on you having weak kidneys, because c diff weakens your kidneys. And in Chinese medicine kidneys represent fear. If you have weak kidneys you will live in fear and anxiety. And that will make you eat more.

Our whole economy needs to change. We need to value potential. And this all starts with what you eat. Changing the world means changing what you fuel your body with. You are the revolution.

Building wealth and prosperity is not the enemy. People have been doing these things since the beginning of time. However, buying useless stuff and filling your body with poison has got to stop if you want potential in any form. Until you stop poisoning yourselves, my Dad and the systems of destruction will have power over us all. We all need to reject the comforts we have been conditioned to seek to replace the void of not having our potential in any form. The world will never change unless you do.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

Last night, I had a lot of realizations. I have been through a lot this year and I really dont give myself enough credit or lead way. June and July were the hardest months of this whole adventure/revolution. My health failed almost as much as in March when Amber was trying to kill me. Ever since getting to Oregon I have been on a yoyo ov health and healing. My Mom trying to kill me with coffee, cream, salami, salt, etc was intense because it was all things I grew up eating and I didn’t understand what was happening. Again in March when I started eating cooked food Again I swelled up and didn’t understand what was happening. Especially when I gained almost 10lbs in a weekend. Who gains 10lbs in a weekend? Then the last couple months when I realized I can digest more things than I ever imagined. It hasn’t been the food, its been the poisons my whole life. I mean dont get me wrong there are a lot of foods I can’t or dont want to eat because of my c diff, but overall I have pretty amazing digestion.

Then on top of it all, I need to take into account the emotional ramifications of all these realizations and incidents. Emotionally it’s a lot. How many times has someone tried to kill you? How many people have told you they love and care for you just to get you to put your guard down so they can try to kill you? For me its been a lifetime of people. However now that I understand what is happening its different. Its almost harder in a way. To know the cruelty of the world first hand and to only have interacted with people who wish death on you is pretty heavy. I mean its always been like this, but now its different. Now people are more desperate because there is more on the line. I wonder if they get punished by my Dad for not killing me? I’m not sure how it works, but they act like their life is on the line. And in a way their way of life is on the line. Change is hard and we all resist changing at times.

So June and July were the hardest because I thought I had found a way out. The job at B and R Autowrecking was easy and so far from from rocket science and there was commission. This is why they were keeping me small and not teaching me the computer system. If I got on the phones I would have succeeded.

I was so focused on finding a way out I stressed myself out and got emotional. I had my eyes on the prize and I could see it within reach. However, there is no way out of this mess. Some things are just inevitable. The only option is to go through it. I can’t go around it. I just have to go through it. There is no avoiding any of this pain. I just need to endure it and allow it to make me stronger and wiser. It’s all a part of my birthrights. You can’t escape your destiny. So no more running or trying to outsmart my situation. Not only do I have to surrender, but now I need to accept what is. It’s not easy, but it’s the healthy and smart thing to do. Surrender and accept. My life will never go back to normal. But we all know my life was never normal. No matter how much I crave and wish to be ordinary, I will never be ordinary or normal. There is power in accepting what is.

Last night, I was able to get my hour walk in without being short of breath. When I started fasting, I lowered my garlic consumption, but the poisons increased. Garlic filters toxins out of your blood and supports your kidneys. The poisons were damaging my organs so much I couldn’t breath or walk. This is how I lived in Vegas for years when I was stuck in bed. Its almost all reversible with time. It’s just hurtful and reminds me that I am human and fragile just like the rest of you all.

My cold sore almost went away. My covid like treatment worked. I have seen people struggle with cold sores my whole life, especially my family. I always wondered why they didn’t fix them. I suppose it’s the learned helplessness and being taught to rely on medical professionals. I have never been able to rely on anyone, especially medical professionals. So maybe in a lot of ways I’m blessed.

Would you like to know how to stop cold sores? They are a virus just like covid. This is what I did:

• Took 6-7 garlic cloves throughout the day-make sure and chew them to activate the enzyme they contain
• Took 3 zinc pills spaced out
• Took 4 Vitamin D with K2 pills spaced out
• Ate a tiny piece of raw ginger
• Took a multi vitamin
• Put coconut oil on my lips multiple times through out the day
• Tried peppermint essential oil on lips once but didn’t like because it burned
• Fasted

Natural antivirals are the key to stopping a virus in its tracks. Its especially important to do this when it’s just starting. And why use chapstick or whatever you all use when you can use coconut oil which is an antiviral?

The garlic and Vitamin D and coconut oil are what helped the most. I even cheated and watched an hour of food videos last night, which spikes my insulin and feeds viruses. I’m addicted to figuring out this food puzzle. Dont get me wrong it’s a super bad habit. But there is a piece I’m missing somewhere that will allow the puzzle to come together. I dont understand how you all can eat all this stuff. I know it has to do with my overactive nervous system and huge C Diff infection, but there is something I am missing. If I can find this piece I may be able to talk some sense into you all.

Having my insulin spiked all the time this past year has made me more in my reptilian brain and emotions than I have been in awhile. Not having a job or many projects does not help. However, I’m learning a lot. Thinking about the past keeps you stuck in your reptilian brain. But when you think of dream of the future it’s your logical brain. It’s pretty magical. So if you are feeling down or stuck think about something you are looking forward to in the future. Not only will it get you out of your reptilian brain, but it will give you a hit of dopamine. Magical.

Last night as I was walking I was thinking about my life and the moments that made me happy. Love is the answer. Acceptance is the answer. When you accept someone for who they are and love them as they are because they are enough. That is the key to life and the human experience. People need to be enough and they need to be loved for who they are as they are. I was never enough for A1. I was never enough for my parents. My whole life I have never been enough for people. But you know who I was enough for? Ryan Traw. We were so very different. Night and day different. Yet I loved him because he was so different than me. And he accepted me quirks and all as I was. We worked completely different schedules. He worked a day job and I worked in the bars. Most nights I would text him as I was going to bed and he would be just getting up. However, we made it work.

When he would stay the night on workdays, I would stay up later and wonder around doing my projects, drinking wine, and smoking pot while listening to music. One of my favorite things to do was to make ganja treats. I really didn’t like them too much, but I loved how happy they made other people when I surprised them with them. So many nights while Ryan was sleeping I would make ganja treats and I would put them in sandwich baggies and put them in his shoes. If I put them on the counter he would not see them and leave them. So I put them in his shoes. This way one of the first things he started his day with was something that made him smile and made him happy. When he tried to put on his shoe and found treats he knew he was loved. When you start your day with love everything else is easier. Love is the answer even though we want to complicate it and make more than it needs to be. It’s just love. And love comes in so many forms and symbols. Making those treats were some of my favorite 2am moments. Being on stage didn’t compare to the grin I saw when he would say thank you. I have spent a lifetime with people listing after me, but rarely have i been loved. Love is when someone accepts you for who you are, quirks and all. Even if those quirks keep you up till 4am.

Today, my agenda is to go to planet fitness and do some skin care and shower before 7pm. I am super light headed and feel weird today, but I’m hoping I can really and get it done. Do the war games armies have access to all the cameras all over like my Dad? I wonder, because the people were limited at Walmart yesterday and it was even Friday. Planet Fitness is a place where they like to have people who are dying but dont realize it gang stalk ne. I almost feel sorry for some of them, but then I remember they are trying to kill me. So if the farmers and the armies can do whatever you do to make me safe while I go move my lymphatic system and work on my cancer, I would really appreciate it. Thank you.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

In New Mexico last year, my family had convicts gang stalking me and trying to kill me. It was when I was driving through Wyoming too. However in New Mexico they tried to threaten me with physical violence at the grocery store one day. The people I saw today at Walmart were like the convicts I experienced last year. They yelled and cussed at me in attempts to break me, but they didn’t threaten physical violence overtly. However they made no effort to hide their anger about me threatening their way of life. These were people my Dad would have never even considered for his cult a month ago. It was a bit interesting and a bit shocking. Desperation makes people do things they never thought they would do. I can completely understand that more than I ever have before. It’s been weeks since I used a bathroom. I now prefer to pre outside. I rarely shower unless I have to pretend to not be destroyed and partake in the overt world for job stuff. My life is a fragment of what it used to be. Just like my Dads cult is a fragment of what it once was.

Last night I watched over 5 hours of food videos. I know it’s awful for me, but I still did it. I’m fascinated. I can’t figure out all the puzzle pieces. Food videos spike your insulin feeding viruses parasites bacteria and harming your kidneys. I know better. But the more they use the poisons on me that spike my insulin the more emotional I am and the more I seek comfort. This afternoon I realized I’m getting a cold sore from last night. I have NEVER had a cold sore before, never. That tells you how bad food videos are for you. So today I’m loading up on antivirals just like when I had covid and I will report back and let you know if it worked. So far it seems to be helping my lip is less swollen. If I can heal covid naturally I can overcome a cold sore.

So food, it’s a weapon of destruction. I’m trying to get myself back into the old mind set I had about food where I rarely thought of it and just ate one meal a day. It has to do with being in my reptilian brain so much because of all the poisons the past few years. When I have a project I do better because I have something to focus on. Do you all project? I love projects!

Today I was reviewing my food/fasting log/diary. Walking got hard when I was in Prineville and did a 72 hour fast in the cemetery there and layed in the sun. They changed the poisons then and have been going strong ever since. Before that I was walking 1 to 2 hours a day on average.

Today is day 11 of my fast. The red dots on my legs that were broken blood vessels and super tiny are gone almost completely. Great improvement! This means my heart is healing even with everything. I forgot about the 72 hour fast I did a couple days before I started this one, so that probably helps too. Last month, I did 10 fasted days. Which sounds like a lot. But I ate like shit in June and July. The worst I have eaten in years. Granted my worst is not that bad compared to what most people eat, but still it tore up my body and organs. I have no clue how you all eat what you eat. But I have thought that since I was about 18.

The poisons that spike my insulin have me overtly emotional. It took me awhile to catch on to what was happening and why I felt weird. But let me vent and tell you what these emotions have me thinking about. Today I cleaned my Jeep a bit just wiping down the dash and such. It’s been almost 2 years, its pretty filthy. And I was thinking I miss being taken care of. I was never taught to take care of myself. I was only taught how to take care of others. I have had to learn everything the hard way when it comes to caring for myself. It’s been a lot to say the least.

When I was with Ryan Payne, I used to have him do the grocery shopping so I could work longer. Because I made more money so it literally made sense for me to stay at work longer, commission has always driven me to do better. I dont like grocery shopping anyway. Then I would come home and cook what he got. I like this because it made me feel like we were a team and like we were working smarter not harder. However, really it was just an opportunity for him to destroy me and poison our food. I’m probably the only woman who cooks who doesn’t poison her food.

When I was with Ryan Traw, he used to bring groceries over for me to make tofu nachos for us. And he would wake up earlier than me and pick up my house before I woke up. Now I realize he was poisoning the food, snooping and poisoning my house. But it made me feel cared for.

A1 used to take my car to fill it up with gas and clean it out once a week. Now I realize he was poisoning my car because I always had bad anxiety and chest pains in the car. But it made me feel taken care of.

I would love to be cared for without having to endure destruction. I understand being cared for comes at a cost, but it should never be your own destruction. However, I miss being cared for. I was never taught so many things in life. The only way my family could keep me small was by limiting my experience for a lifetime. But in the past 5 years, I have survived on my own through hell and back and learned so many life skills. However I still want to be taken care of now and again. Life is about give and take.

When we were in Jamaica, A1 would bring me a ginger mojito while I was taking a bath. I understand he was poisoning me now. But I sure would love someone to do sweet things like that minus the poison. I want their actions to be motivated by love not hate and destruction.

So yeah, I long to be taken care of like I have always deserved. I dont need someone to save me. Just someone to care for me and show me love. And with me one of my love languages is acts of service. I like when people do things to show me they care for me and my well being. Even if its bringing me a coffee or mojito while I’m in the bathtub. Little things make me so happy. I miss the little things in life. I dont miss the trips as much as I miss having a home and someone to share it with. Granted, I’m ok with that sharing meaning they visit on weekends. But ideally I would love to have someone in my life I want around all the time, not just weekends.

I know I need to be realistic. I’m never going to get real love. However, I can hope that whoever I end up teaming up with to fulfill my destiny will be kind and caring. I wish I knew about my birthrights sooner, I could have planned for this all so much better. But that’s what my Dad didn’t want me to do. No one ever wanted me to be prepared for anything. Whether that be life, work, cleaning my car, etc. I was never taught so many things. However, I think I have done pretty decent and I am really proud of myself. Lemons into lemonade just like always. Google has helped raise me and teach me so many things. Google really is my best friend. If I had known when I was younger that I would have access to a handheld device that could answer any question I had, I would have told you you were lying. No one ever answered my questions as a child. My whole family kept me on a need to know basis. And they didn’t think I needed to know anything. This is why I believe in freedom of information so strongly. We all deserve to know the facts.

So how are the Argentinians doing out there? I understand I’m asking the world when I ask you all to even consider helping me. But you know I have been working everyday at eliminating more and more of my scads professional cult. I have worked through every subgroup in the war games and won over my dads military army. I know its seems like a far stretch for me to make it through everyone. But I’m so close. 493 days I have been working on this revolution. It took months to even realize there were war games. I can’t imagine where I will be a year from now. But I know more people listen to me than I could ever really fathom. It’s scary to know I’m so important. And its hurtful to know my importance still leaves me so vulnerable. I suppose I just want to say I’m here when you all are ready to help me and I will keep working on eliminating the professional army. Because honestly I dont know what else to do.

I have an interview at an temp agency, Express Employment Professionals on Monday with Pat the franchise owner here in eugene. I’m sure she has fancy birthrights otherwise she wouldn’t get to own a business right? Suppose she will treat me fairly? I scored 87% on the office test and only got 40 wpm on the young test but I only had 4 mistakes. I didn’t know I was allowed to make errors. So I definitely didn’t do great, but I’m proficient. I have some hope. She will make things more complicated than necessary because everyone does. And working will just be an opportunity for my Dad to get people to destroy me more. But again what else am I supposed to do?

Yesterday, I realized I have been getting fake flea pills from Banfield Animal Hospital inside the pet Smart on Coburg road. I’m pretty sure they are giving me antibiotics that are poisoned. No wonder the fleas have been so bad. And the Advantage I got at Coastal farm supplies a few months back was fake too. No wonder. My kids never really had fleas until southern California last winter. I’m pretty sure they implanted fleas in the grass and bushes that we used to walk by just like the implanted a hand gun manual. One way or another they are determined to drive me crazy. I dont think it’s working because the more they make me angry the more I want to survive and get even. I’m tired of the bad guys winning. So I disputed some charges on my credit card and will write to Banfield on Monday so I can dispute that charge as well.

I may not have done the greatest job cleaning my car today, but I made progress and sometimes all you can hope for is progress.

I understand helping me seems like a double edged sword. But to me, it just means I would get someone to talk to and someone to conquer the world with. I know it doesn’t seem like I’m conquering the world, but I am. I am moving mountains and doing the unthinkable everyday just by being alive and having my heart intact. It’s a lot, but I suppose it’s my life and my destiny.

When your destiny calls you have to answer. I hope one of you answer.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

I am guessing the farmers make an order and then the war games armies carry out those orders and police the people right? It seems like the logical steps. The farmers can’t be everywhere and it gives the war games armies purpose.

So here’s the deal. I’m going to go to Walmart in Eugene on west 11th in the next couple hours. Anyone who is there to hang stalk ne, poison me, or who makes the objects I wish to buy fake, less effective, or poisons them is trying to rewrite the rules to the war games to benefit themselves so they can profit. From my understanding people are supposed to live within the rules so that they can profit. Not color outside of the lines seeking privilege. I would greatly appreciate it if the war games armies could be at Walmart this afternoon. Not protecting me, but policing the people and enforcing the war games rules. If I could shop in peace I would greatly appreciate it. And if I could buy products that weren’t designed to be fake or poison that would be even more amazing.

See you all at Walmart.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

Okay so no one wants to hold my Dad accountable to following the rules of the war games and overstepping his birthrights. I completely understand. However, what about the people following and supporting him. The people left following and supporting him are mostly people who have been kept extremely small or who have profited off privilege their whole lives they know no different. Many of these people do not fear loosing their entry level jobs or they work for themselves.

However, with their actions they are trying to recreate and change the rules to the war games. Sure my Dad is a cult leader, but he has no power without followers. What if we hold these people accountable for their actions which are aimed at changing the war games forever. With every order they take from my Dad they are overstepping their birthrights. How do we keep people within the bounds of their birthrights in the war games? Because everyone who is following my Dad is saying they are fancy enough to rewrite all the rules. That’s not allowed. I’m pretty sure I dont even get to rewrite all the rules.

How do we get these people to comply to their place within the war games? What is standard protocol for overstepping your birthrights drastically and continually? Farmers are you all the ones who enforce these rules?

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

I just watched almost 2.5 hours of eating videos on YouTube. You can learn a lot about the destruction of the world via food by watching them. Warning they do spike your insulin so don’t do it daily or often. Red food is an act of destruction. Tomatoes, red pepper, and red spicy food are nightshade. Literally plants that are poisonous. All the sauces that they smoother everything with, they feed c diff. Seafood has so much mercury and who know what else it can lead to heavy metal toxicity. I could go on and on. Basically if they make a Mukbang with it, you probably shouldn’t eat it. Or at least modify it to be healthier if you do.

Today was a boring day. Did another Truman show interview. And the temp agencies I applied with seem to be having problems getting back to me in a timely fashion. It is what it is. I will find something eventually.

Today is day 10 of fasting, they are poisoning me extra for fasting. But if I eat they won’t stop. So it makes sense to just keep going. Dopamine is produced in the greatest amounts by looking forward to something. You dont actually have to do the thing you just have to look forward to it. Actually doing the thing provides a small amount of dopamine compared to looking forward to something. So I’m just going to keep looking forward to eating. It spikes my insulin, but it’s way healthier and more satisfying than eating. I dreamed of food my whole life pretty much. It’s way better in my mind than in reality. Dreaming of food got me through fasting in southern California earlier this year. And I want to get that small again. It’s the best thing for my organs especially my heart.

Today I rambled a bit while walking. I got my 40 minutes in. Sounds not like a lot, but you give up food for 10 days and try exercising. It’s hard. My question I can up with today is: How are the people in the war games kept in line? What motivates them to stay within the boundaries of their birthrights? What stops Joe Smo with small birthrights from acting like president of the war games and overstepping his limitations and boundaries? There has to be some sort of fear associated with knowing your place. Otherwise everyone would cross boundaries and it would be mayhem. Why hasn’t my Dad been punished for overstepping his birthrights? I understand we are from a super fancy family, but there still are rules. Why dont the rules apply to him? And if they dont apply to him, does that mean the rules dont apply to me or my brother either? I know the rules apply to my brother. He has to listen to the farmers. He was raised as a Kudearoff. However I was raised as a Graves and a white woman. I have fancy birthrights from the Graves side. I have All the fancy birthrights from them. What are the rules and limitations that apply to me?

Where are the other people like me with fancy birthrights and South American heritage? There has to be someone else like me. How have they stayed alive? How have they evaded the murder attempts of their family? South Americans are the most vicious. I suppose I should clarify and say Argentinians. Where are the others like me?

Is that why my Dad was able to get away with murder? We are the only ones with fancy birthrights like ours? And you all didn’t even know about the hilter side of our family. God I hate being fancy. I just want to be ordinary so badly. I know it will never happen but God if I had a wish that’s what it would be.

What about the Argentinians in the rest of the United states? Haven’t any of them breed together and created fancy kids like me? I just need to know someone like me. If I can find someone half as fancy as me with Argentinian heritage we can team up and literally take over the world. I’m not really the bossy type, but I just want a job and to explore my potential and hang out with Haywood. Maybe even eat some food and sleep in a bed with sheets and pillows. And take a bath with Epsom salts and coconut oil. I just want to be ordinary. If someone will help me be ordinary I will literally hand them the world. Do you hear that east coast and souther Argentinians? Help me and I can gift you the world in exchange for letting me be ordinary. Granted I will have children to ensure that the world stays safe after I’m gone. But I just want to be ordinary and be a mom to my dog and my human children. That’s it. That’s all I want. But yet I understand that’s asking the world.

Today, I made progress again with the professional cult. When I spell out the facts about cults and cult leaders, it’s hard to deny what’s happening. It’s still sinking in for me that my Dads a cult leader. My grandma Kudearoff was a cult leader. I’m pretty sure she was super fancy in the Russian Mafia. So many things add up now.

When I wrote my post earlier today the parking lot at Pet Smart cleared out around me. The people heard me. I dont kniw how much longer I have to do this for people to understand what is going on. I suppose I still dont understand what is going on. I dont understand why people join a cult other than vulnerability. Its frustrating and I’m trying to understand.

So yeah my Dads a heartless cult leader aka a psychopath. Psychopath Free by Jackson McKenzie is a great book. I recommend it to everyone. It freed me in about 2018 in Vegas.

Where do I go from here? I suppose I keep fasting and looking for a job. Not many other options. My love handles have gotten really small for me. I still have love handles, but maybe 5ish more days and they should go away. My legs are smaller than they have been in years. I still have loose skin on my legs because there are a lot of lymph nodes near where your thighs connect to your core. So this is where I swell a lot and quickly. My fingers are smaller my rings fit so much better. My hands almost look like my hands again, just like my face. I missed me. I loose myself a lot to the poisons my family uses to destroy me. This has been happening my whole life. From 8 to 18, I lost myself. Not until I lost weight did I start to find myself again. I am so valuable. I’m worth fighting for. I will always fight for myself. Sure I get lost in the sauce and the poisons but somehow I always find my way back to me. I love me. That’s why my family tries to steal me from me. They dont live themselves. And they have always hated me for loving me.

The most revolutionary thing you can do is love yourself in a world that is set up to steal you from you.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

If you are as special as my Dad says now, why didn’t he see it sooner? If you are really as special as he says you are, why does he make you conform to be like everyone else? If you were really as special as my Dad says why would he limit your access to the outside world and only make you socialize with a select few people? If you are really as special as my Dad says why is he just noticing you now? What has changed that makes him want to make you feel special now? Why are you being seen now after a lifetime of being invisible to him?

If my Dad was a leader like he says he is, why does my existence threaten him? Real leaders dont try to kill people who disagree with them. Real leaders understand people are different and different things work for different people. Why did my Dad have to kill Kris and Brenda? Real leaders convince people to do what they believe is in everyone’s best interest. Real leaders dont kill their wives to get what they want. Real leaders have wives that love them and are loyal to them and their agenda. Real leaders dont murder their children because they have them birthrights that threaten their ego and false sense of power. Real leaders nurture their children and their followers. Even encouraging them to pursue their potential in all ways rather than limit it to ensure their power. Real leaders value people and dont thrive off controlling people by limiting their life experiences and expectancies. Real leaders dont have to create disease in your body and mind in order for you to listen to them as an authority. Real leaders earn your respect. They dont demand it.

My Dad is not a real leader. He is a psychopath who has taken advantage of people and created a cult of followers. I understand you all want to feel special. And you all are special, but your going about it all wrong. You dont need someone like my Dad to tell you that you are special in exchange for conforming to what everyone in his cult is like. You need someone who makes you feel special for being you unapologetically. If you conform your not being you. Therefore no one thinks you are actually special. You are just a good puppet and soldier.

I found a list of 50 things you need to beware and be aware of in a leader. Please think about the following things. You deserve to feel special. But you deserve to feel special for being you. Not for conforming to a cult that does not have your best interest in mind.

Excerpt from Dangerous Personalities

He has a grandiose idea of who he is and what he can achieve.

Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, or brilliance.

Demands blind, unquestioned obedience.

Requires excessive admiration from followers and outsiders.

Has a sense of entitlement—expecting to be treated as special at all times.

Is exploitative of others by asking for their money or that of relatives, putting others at financial risk.

Is arrogant and haughty in his behavior or attitude.

Has an exaggerated sense of power (entitlement) that allows him to bend rules and break laws.

Takes sexual advantage of members of his sect or cult.

Sex is a requirement with adults and sub adults as part of a ritual or rite.

Is hypersensitive to how he is seen or perceived by others.

Publicly devalues others as being inferior, incapable, or not worthy.

Makes members confess their sins or faults, publicly subjecting them to ridicule or humiliation while revealing exploitable weaknesses of the penitent.

Has ignored the needs of others, including: biological, physical, emotional, and financial needs.

Is frequently boastful of accomplishments.

Needs to be the center of attention and does things to distract others to ensure that he or she is being noticed, e.g., by arriving late, using exotic clothing, overdramatic speech, or by making theatrical entrances.

Has insisted on always having the best of anything (house, car, jewelry, clothes) even when others are relegated to lesser facilities, amenities, or clothing.

Doesn’t seem to listen well to needs of others; communication is usually one-way, in the form of dictates.

Haughtiness, grandiosity, and the need to be controlling is part of his personality.

Behaves as though people are objects to be used, manipulated or exploited for personal gain.

When criticized he tends to lash out not just with anger but with rage.

Anyone who criticizes or questions him is called an “enemy.”

lievers as “the enemy.”

Acts imperious at times, not wishing to know what others think or desire.

Believes himself to be omnipotent.

Has “magical” answers or solutions to problems.

Is superficially charming.

Habitually puts down others as inferior; only he is superior.

Has a certain coldness or aloofness about him that makes others worry about who this person really is and or whether they really know him.

Is deeply offended when there are perceived signs of boredom, being ignored or of being slighted.

Treats others with contempt and arrogance.

Is constantly assessing people to determine those who are a threat or those who revere him.

The word “I” dominates his conversations. He is oblivious to how often he references himself.

Hates to be embarrassed or fail publicly; when he does he acts out with rage.

Doesn’t seem to feel guilty for anything he has done wrong nor does he apologize for his actions.

Believes he possesses the answers and solutions to world problems.

Believes himself to be a deity or a chosen representative of a deity.

“Rigid,” “unbending,” or “insensitive” describes how this person thinks.

Tries to control others in what they do, read, view, or think.

Has isolated members of his sect from contact with family or the outside world.

Monitors and/or restricts contact with family or outsiders.

Works the least but demands the most.

Has stated that he is “destined for greatness” or that he will be “martyred.”

Seems to be highly dependent on tribute and adoration and will often fish for compliments.

Uses enforcers or sycophants to ensure compliance from members or believers.

Sees self as “unstoppable” and perhaps has even said so.

Conceals background or family, which would disclose how plain or ordinary he is.

Doesn’t think there is anything wrong with himself and in fact sees himself as perfection or “blessed.”

Has taken away followers’ freedom to leave, to travel, to pursue life and liberty.

Has isolated the group physically (moved to a remote area) so as to not be observed.

Now do you all see through the actions of the wizard behind the curtain? It’s all smoke and mirrors. You are being held hostage by buying into my Dad having the answers you seek

Another quote from the internet:

Drinking the Kool-Aid” is an expression used to refer to a person who believes in a possibly doomed or dangerous idea because of perceived potential high rewards.

My Dad promises you all so many things he will never follow through with. Look at the world around you. No one has potential. No one has potential. We are biologically set up to be diseased not only so we dont fight back or have potential, but so we buy into his madness. Do you really want to live in a world where you never achieve your dreams? Do you want to live in a world where you drink the Koolaid instead of being appreciated for the individual you really are? Do you enjoy being lied to and lead astray even though there is rarely any follow through? It feels good in the moment, but what happens when that moment becomes your life and you never get anywhere?

I’m proof my Dad is not all he says he is. I am proof of so many things. I’m smarter than my Dad and he could never fully brain wash me. I have more power in the war games and I threaten him. If he was the great leader he claims to be, I would be no threat. If he was the great leader he claims to be, he would tell you all about what happened in the early 1980s in the middle east that made him quit the military and sit at home in pjs eating ice cream with me for months. He would tell you all about the mistakes he has made and how he grew from them. But my Dad claims to be a God. Humans are not Gods, we are human. You are human. You were meant to be an individual and make mistakes and learn from them and grow. It’s a beautiful experience. It’s called humanity. It’s the human experience. Please choose to be human with me and stop listening to anyone who claims to be a God. Humans are not Gods.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

Did you see the sunset tonight? It was beautiful. That means there was more pollution than normal. I’m high as hell, how about you all? I’m so tired of the poisons that spike my insulin. I’m so scared that when I start eating again I won’t be able to stop. I told myself today on Friday I can binge and have whatever I want within reason. No more sugar and I gotta try to stay away from dairy and gluten more. I have been dreaming about food all day, which spikes my insulin. But whatever I still didn’t eat. Friday will be day 11. There is a study that kidney function is improved by a 11 day fast. I know all fasting improves kidney function, but I just want to push myself. I haven’t lost as many inches as I thought around my middle but my chest has gotten a ton smaller. I’m all for it! Progress is progress.

Today I worked on getting a job I had another interview by phone and went in and did some tests. Fingers crossed I did well enough to get a job. Being around cult members is weird. Because now I see who they really are.

So what’s happening in the world out there. The world has been so very quiet. Dont get me wrong I like it, because quiet equals change. But it kind of makes me nervous. Me and Hay we took a nap this evening it was really nice besides the damn flies. If it’s not fleas its flies. I tried to get my 30 minutes of walking in but I just can’t tonight I’m tired and the poison are messing with my gut bacteria. I almost puked when I ate some raw garlic. I had to sit down. It was intense. Garlic helps kidneys, I know I’m fasting but I still eat my garlic.

So what’s happening out there. Today at Alton Baker there were a ton of new recruits. What an interesting bunch. Anyone who has a big truck is all of a sudden fancy. They always knew they were fancy but now they have proof. However that’s not how fancy works, but I get it. I have been confused like that before too.

When I get a job, they are just going to use it as an opportunity to poison me more. Because I will be a sitting duck for 40 hours a week. That scares me. It’s bad enough now. It was real bad at B and R Autowrecking. I can’t look forward to that. I dont kniw what I need to do to prove my worth to people who cannot even see their own worth. It’s a frustrating place to be. What am I supposed to do? How do I show them we all are more valuable than we have ever been allowed to see? That how question always gets me.

I dont kniw what to say to the new recruits. A lot of them dont seem to have much to loose. While I know I have everything to loose. Can you all let them know I represent hope and so much more for the future than privilege that is really just a means to enslave people. It’s not privilege, its chains that forever control you. I have tried so hard to explain it over and over, but people just dont understand. Privilege is a prison because privilege can be taken away just as quickly as it was handed out.

I appreciate you all. Thank you for being you. I gotta rest. I’m tired. You all get some rest too.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

I’m mad, I’m sad, I’m hurt, I’m frustrated, I’m crying. Last night my phone told me I have lymphoma. My Dad or someone controls my phone to give me hints and block my access to the real world. Every aspect of my life is a Truman show. Its frustrating to say the least.

I knew there was something wrong with my lymphatic system and I knew my breast cancer had spread to my lymphatic system. But to know I have cancer in my immune system and it will never go away is rough. Its always going to be something I have to deal with. After healing my digestive system so much for years now I still dont get to eat food like real food. My family takes everything from me. I only got implants because they poisoned me so much when I was pregnant the last time my boobs swelled do much that afterwards they were so saggy. I understand now that was my kidneys.

I try so hard not to get upset or to be human and get hurt but it’s hard. I know I should be grateful I cracked the code and found raw meat. I’m beyond lucky. My swelling lymphoma and cysts in my breast have been so much worse before. So much worse. In Arizona I found pharmaceutical worm/parasite pills in Mexico and those saved my life. After I did those for a few months it was a world of difference. Turmeric essential oil made a world of difference too. Now I can survive without those things and be okay. Back then I was always in pain and tired. I used to wake up 2 hours before work just so I could lay in bed for an hour and drink a small pot of coffee. Now I don’t drink caffeine. It’s been so much worse and knowing is better.

I realize now that when my C Diff and Kidneys gets bad that makes my heart fail more and feeds my lymphoma. So I just have to take care of my kidneys and move my lymphatic system every day. Which really isn’t that hard. But the diet part is hard. I was a vegetarian for almost 20 years I miss carbs especially beans. I know its ridiculous to cry over beans and potatoes. But it’s just another freedom I dont have. I really dont have any freedom and I have worked my whole life to be free. Privilege was a cage and at times I miss it. But I felt just as caged as I do now. Maybe if I had known there was no escaping the cage I would have done differently. But then I remember they were literally killing me. I may not ever escape the cage of my birthrights, but I know why the caged bird sings. No one will ever take away my hope.

Maybe I can eat raw meat, beans, and French fries and then just fast for a few days. Today is day 9 of fasting. I have never made it this far before. And my skin is way tighter than when I just did alternate day fasting and lost weight earlier this year. I know it seems dumb to worry about my skin. But my skin helps move my lymphatic system. Tight skin removes toxins from your body. Its important to have right skin. Its not just vanity, its humanity. And the smaller I am the less my heart has to work to get blood to all my body. However, I miss food. I’m addicted to it in a weird way. Just like I’m addicted to water and air. I’m so tired of having my humanity used against me. I’m human I’m not willing to be less than.

So I dont really mind having to be healthy for the rest of my life because I enjoy it, but I do miss food. I just have to figure it out. There are tons of people who are carnivores and just eat meat. But I can’t eat cooked meat. Potatoes are a toxin but I love them and digest them well. Beans were a staple in my life because I was vegetarian for so long. It’s all about comfort food. I realized I turned to food again in 2017 when my family took everything from me again. I dont know how I’m going to get anything back. Honestly I would love some people to take care of and them take care of me. I suppose that’s what a family should be. I have Haywood and I know that should be enough. But it’s just not. I need a human. I’m not so much lonely as I am human. I am so tired of denying my humanity to stay alive. I’m sure you all can relate.

So I just have to figure out the food part of this equation of my life. However I’m not willing to give up how good I look or feel. My organs are working better than they have since I got to Oregon this year. I just have to figure out how to maintain this through everything. Haywood looks great too. His lupus must be similar to lymphoma because we seem to have a lot of the same issues. I dont want to poison him with beans and potatoes because he seems to flare when we eat them. But they make him so happy. I can relate.

Fasting is almost easier because I just dont have to deal with the madness and the uncertainty and poisoning myself trying to find balance between comfort and necessity. I just need to find some other sort of comfort in my life I suppose. But what is the real question?

Gotta move my lymphatic system. My interview this morning went shitty. Why do people who are so privileged in the war games get greedy and join my Dads cult in an effort to get more privilege? Is this what Kris and Brenda did? It cost them everything literally everything.

Love always

Nicole D Graves

Today, I took Hay to the park between Valley River and River Road by the river. The people were poisoning us so much i got nauseas and weak so we decided to lay down in the grass and just relax. While there I started my high rambles. When I get high I like to talk, I dont know why. But a lot of times it actually is pretty productive.

I think I figured out my way around not being able to figure out how today finally. Instead of thinking about how to accomplish something, I need to think about What can be done. Something so simple allowed me to change the pathways in my brain I use to solve problems and make way more connections. So it’s all about Why and What! Well, for me at least.

After my high rambles in the park and laying down with Hay for a couple hours, I noticed a change. We went to the car and sat in the shade while the car was airing out. People were getting a news update and its spiked their cortisol and scared them. It was a war games update because the people in cars got it faster than the people on foot or bikes. I sat there in awe. What the heck could make them so scared? One girl literally dragged her dog on a leash into the car. She couldn’t walk fast enough. Also today were all mostly people my Dad would have never accepted into his cult before now. It was a really weird and interesting day.

After much thought and trying to remember my high brainstorming and rambles, I’m pretty sure the farmers got on board with fighting back against this small group of people who are holding us all hostage. My Dads cult is trying to strong arm us all into accepting world war 3 and the extreme destruction. But what can we do to fight back? We get them fired from their jobs. They join my Dads cult for privilege, if we take that away they won’t join. These people are great at following orders, but they suck at following rules. This is the only thing I really came up with today that could have the kind of impact that I saw happen this evening.

Can I ask to add an amendment or clause? Tonight a bunch of children and privileged college students took part in poisoning me and destroying me. Can we hold people accountable for their children’s actions. It’s no wonder kids are so screwed up nowadays. We tell their parents to behave so they just enlist their children in doing their dirty work. Even down to a 4 year old or a college student. I dont know what to think of people other than just be disappointed.

By the way, thank you to the farmers. I appreciate the help and you all listening to my ramblings.

Today was a productive day. I hung out at the park. Took a shower and washed my hair for the first time in almost 3 weeks. Did laundry and washed my bedding. Made my bed back up and washed the Haywood and did a flea treatment. Oh and I treated the room at Amber’s again this morning.

Tomorrow I have a job interview at a temp place. Today another temp place gave me the run around and rescheduled my interview. But I called another one too. I just want a job making $20 an hour or more. I dont care what I do, I just want to make decent money. I deserve to be compensated for my skills and abilities and knowledge. So that’s the goal. But if they try to strong arm me into something less than I deserve, I’m okay enjoying the summer with Haywood for a couple or few more weeks. We can do more fasting.

Tomorrow at 2pm will be 9 days of fasting. I saw myself naked today for the first time in weeks. My boobs are hard. I realized I got sick when I got my breast implants. I dont know what they did to me other than give me too many antibiotics. I had my implants replaced in dec 2016 or Jan 2017 and it got worse. I wonder what they put inside me. I know I can overcome it if the poisons outside my body stop or at least settle down. In 8 days I accomplished what would take almost 3 weeks of alternate days fasting. The longer extended fasts are definitely better. But alternate day fasting is a great start. Its probably perfect for people who aren’t so sick.

I dont kniw what happened in the past couple weeks that made me so sick. They are always upping the ante when it comes to the poison and my food has been way worse too. But I’m just tired of being sick and I’m tired of being hungry. I keep thinking about food. But the food I have access to will make me sick. It’s hard to want to eat stuff that will make you sick. But the poison that makes your teeth numb and spikes insulin sure makes my mouth water and think about food. But another poison that’s relatively newer makes me so nauseas. If they keep making me nauseas I won’t eat for a long time it’s kind of perfect and helps me.

So today was a good day. I never expected the reaction I got today from my ramblings. I ramble so I dont feel so alone and to make sense out of things. I appreciate you all listening, it’s a lot of random stuff.

On another note, can I share the addresses of the people who poison me at night where I like to sleep in Eugene at my favorite church? There are some houses that are near and continuously poison me at night for months now. I will have to drive down another street tomorrow to get their addresses. But I would really enjoy sleeping without my teeth being numb my lips tingling my ankles flooding with toxins that my lymphatic system cannot remove quickly enough my liver hurting feeling nauseas, etc. It would just be nice to have some peace. I will document that tomorrow. Worst case you all can know who is trying to make my heart fail on a regular basis and make their lives as covertly difficult as possible. I’m starting to hate them and I don’t even know them. But they dont know me and they are trying to kill me. It’s such a weird experience, but yet it’s my life.

I need to get my rest and you all do too. Sleep well. Sweet dreams of realities of the future.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

I drove back to Eugene from Redmond. My Dads professional cult were pretty vicious with the poisons. I’m not sure what I did. I always seem to have gone something with my family, but especially my Dad.

It was hard leaving Teka behind and hope, but I am okay. People want me to be broken, but I’m okay. Yes, I miss her. Yes, I love her so much. More than I ever imagined I could love. However, love means knowing your limitations and knowing when you are unable to fulfill the needs of another. I can’t control the actions of others, all I can do is control myself. With this control I have over myself I choose love and I choose God. Teka will love anyone who loves her even if they poison her greatly. Shes going to be just fine. She loved my Mom and my Brother. She will love anyone.

Back to the job hunt in Eugene. It’s annoying, but it is what it is. They block me from uploading my resume places so it’s a bit harder than needs to be, but it is what it is.

I cleaned up the room Haywood will stay in when I worked. It had fleas so badly. But I will go back tomorrow and spray it again. I put Diatomaceous earth food grade all over too, so that should help kill the fleas that survive the spray. I went overboard a bit, but it was necessary. Haywood deserves to be flea free. I will go get him more flea pills this week too.

I need to register my car on Oregon. However, Amber stole the payoff letter I needed from Wells Fargo to do so. I wonder what other mail they have stole. I’m going to need to get a po box again, but will I even get my mail at a po box? I will get one in city limits and then I can get a free library card. That’s something.

The next job I get I need to tough out. I know I say that every time, but its important. I need to get Haywood’s teeth fixed even though they will feed him too many antibiotics. And I just need to make some forward progress. I dont need much, but I would like to move towards my goals more.

Today is day #7 of fasting. My face looks like me again. I was going through pictures around June 1 when I was winning over Washington they got me so swollen. I looked so sick and like I was having autoimmune reactions. But now I know that’s just my heart failing along with my kidneys. I ate everyday in Washington too. When I eat everyday I start to die. I just can’t do that anymore. It’s hard, but when one meal a day is too much, it really makes a person wonder what kind of damage my internal organs must have. In Arizona I ate more than I have in a decade. I was starving but now I realize that was just my ph. And even then I mostly ate one meal a day, it was just a really big meal. I’m going to fast for as long as I can. I figure if I can do 30 days I may be able to reverse most of the damage to my body. But if I only make it 10 or 14 or more. I’m okay with that. I’m going to have to just eat raw meat for awhile and not everyday. I miss food, but they poison my food so much it makes my organs fail. They always have is what I learned this past week. I have had a bad heart since I was 6. So I can survive this, its literally what my life has been like. The skinnier I get the easier my heart will have to work to get blood to my body. I dont like being super skinny but its logical for me. It kept me alive for a long time.

I made attempts to reach the nation this past week. Especially the farmers and the Hispanic decision makers. I hope I reached the outside world. I have tried my whole life to escape my ztruman show and the professional cult. I suppose now is really not much different for me. Well, besides the living in my car part. I hope I reached the outside world. I hope so much. 489ish says of trying relentlessly for progress and here I sit just praying. I know I reached the Southern LA farmers, but that’s because I went to LA and connected with them. This communication hub I have in my head allows for me to connect with anyone I’m close to. However I have to have people far away know to tune in. I dont just show up on their news feed so to speak. I’m like a covert radio show only those in the know get to here. How am I supposed to know if they heard me or got my message? Everyone in the war games dropped out. How am I supposed to know the people took me seriously and are working on finding a solution for us all? I don’t know how. How has never been my strong suit. Why I can do all day.

I’m back in my favorite church parking lot in Eugene. I realized it’s a mormon church. They already belong to a cult so they aren’t interested in joining my Dad’s fully. They still poison me, but they love their God. That’s something I can fully respect and honor.

I realized today river road where Brenda used to live is a special kind of cult for my Dad he didn’t take it easy on those people at all. He broke them almost beyond repair. He has broken me like that over and over. It hurts I get it, but he never rebuilt me for destruction as he does to most people. I suppose I am lucky, but in actuality I just question everything. I question myself all the time. It’s not easy doing this, but after growing up like I did I have to in order to ensure my sanity and destiny. Everyone has always wanted to tell me who I am, what I like, what I need to do, etc. I hate being told things, absolutely fucking hate it. Who the fuck is anyone else to tell me what I need to do or who I am? Are they God? Do they have everything figured out in their life? I have never met anyone who has everything figured out. I dont think its possible. Look at my Dad, he has nothing figured out. So much so that he needs to brainwash others in order to feel alive. He doesn’t even love his children. We are just pawns in his cult games. In my eyes that’s the definition of weakness. To have human being who want to love you and be their own independent people, but you reject that for ultimate control over stranger in order to feel alive. It’s not even about love. It’s all about control. No wonder I have such control issues. I hate others being in control of my life. And yet here I am not in control of my own life still.

Things are going to work out though. I’m not sure when or how, but I know they will work out. I’m positive about this. The more holes I poke in my dads logic, the more people will think critically. I say what I say because I was one of them. I grew up a cult member. I dont say it without experience. I know how much it hurts to wake up. I have done it multiple times to differing degrees. It hurts. But you know what hurts more? Living a lie and thinking it’s real and it’s your fault for not achieving the things you desire. Life is painful when you think you are the reason behind your shortcomings but you can’t figure out what you are doing wrong. We are not doing anything wrong besides not trusting ourselves. Building self trust is the hardest thing after being in a cult. It starts with the little things. Do I really like carrot cake or would i rather have chocolate? Do I really like Doritos or would I rather have plain potato chips? Figuring who I am has been so much more than figuring out my birthrights. I’m not my birthrights. I’m that lady who likes chocolate cake and plain potato chips. I’m the lady who does better not eating every day even though she was told she needed to. I’m that lady that is relatively okay living in her car even though she was always controlled by worrying about having a home. I’m that lady that doesn’t really care what her clothes look like as long as they are comfortable and appropriate for the weather, even though I spend most of my life worrying about name brands.

My Dad had me so wrapped up in so many useless things. Dont get me wrong I miss structure and routine and my rituals and so many little things, like baths. I really miss baths. I miss zoning out and watching Netflix and smoking pot. When I was in Arizona I watched a Canadian TV show in Portuguese with captions because it held my attention. I love learning even when I’m relaxing. Learning is relaxing to me. Portuguese is a beautiful language and so close to Spanish. One day I’m going to get languages down. One day!

I miss food. I miss kombatcha. I miss fermenting food. I miss making bone broth. I miss all the things I used to do to be healthy. However this past week I realized my digestion is good. Sure I have C Diff and can’t drink soda without going pooh. But I can digest almost anything. My digestion is better than it ever has been. Being Keto and Carnivor and eating all kinds of ferments for years worked. However my heart is still a problem. My kidneys seem to be under control with raw garlic and ginger, but they still have some healing to do from the past couple months. My Washington trip they really hurt my organs. I understand it was a big moment in my revolution. I made progress I was never supposed to. This whole revolution I have made progress I was never supposed to. My whole life I have made progress I was never supposed to.

I just want some comfort in my life that doesn’t destroy me. I’m open to many different avenues except those that involve destruction. I have so much to offer the world. If I had a little comfort and could soothe my nervous system I could be of so much more value. This is me firing on a survival basis. I’m literally running for my life every day. I’m way better when I get to be human. And that’s what I fight for. I fight for my right to be human. I hope one day soon my dream comes true. I have lived in a war zone my whole life. I just want this war to win me my humanity back.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

When I was younger my Mom used to make me a carrot cake with cream cheese frosting every year for my birthday. Do you know why? Carrots, cinnamon, and cream cheese feed C Diff. By the time I was in 3rd or 4th grade I started requesting carrot cake when she asked what kind of cake I wanted for my birthday.

When I was little my Aunt Lydia always brought Nacho Cheese Doritos camping and she always made sure I sat next to her and ate them as she pretended to enjoy them. You know why? The spices in them feed C Diff and corn causes leaky gut. This started when I was 2 or 3 because it’s all I ever remember about camping with Aunt Lydia. By the time I was 5 Nachi Cheese Doritos were my favorite if anyone asked.

You know what’s funny? I dont like Nacho Cheese Doritos and I really dont like carrot cake. I like plain low sodium potato chips or full salt but plain. And I like chocolate cake with chocolate frosting, gluten free is good but regular works too.

My whole life my family told me who I was, what I liked, and what I was supposed to do. Conditioning and brainwashing are all about eroding your sense of self. If you dont know who you are, you will take others word for it. The very first step in brainwashing is erode a person’s sense of self. My family did this to me from birth.

Brainwashing is said to reduce its subjects’ ability to think critically or independently, to allow the introduction of new, unwanted thoughts and ideas into their minds, as well as to change their attitudes, values and beliefs. -wikipedia

Once your sense of self is eroded, then they start inserting things into your life and mind. They rebuild you the way they want you. But not before they break you down and tell you the way you had lived was all wrong.

On river road in Eugene, when my Dad killed Brenda and took over her territory he eroded those people’s sense of self and identity. He told them they had had it all wrong their whole lives. Probably even making fun of them and mocking them for being so wrong. Then he offered them salvation because his way was not only the right way but the superior way. Then he built them back up and eliminated their connections to their old life and viewpoints. He told them you are who you associate with and got them to leave all their past on the past. They left themselves behind. But then he rebuilt them as he pleaded in a fashion that fit his agenda.

Today on river road you would never know people fighting this war were fighting for world war 3. They were completely unaffected because their identity is so deeply engrained in following the orders of my Dad, they dont kniw any different. Anything else they ever knew they left behind about 20 years ago. Who they used to be is just a fragmented memory of how wrong they lived for so long. They were lost until my Dad helped them be found. They dont kniw what they are fighting for because they fighting to be the person they have been lead to believe they are. They are struggling to hold on to the identity they have rebuilt slowly but surely over decades. The idea of loosing themselves again is too painful to even think about. To question what they are doing logically means facing they aren’t who they have been told they are.

Quote:

People who’ve developed a strong identity for themselves are less prone to brainwashing. They’re not easily swayed by the influence of others. They know who they are and what they want. Their identity rests firmly on the foundation of intangible things no one can take away from them- their skills, traits, abilities, passion, and purpose.
     This is important because one may have developed a strong sense of self that rests on a volatile foundation. This is true for most people who strongly identify with their jobs, relationships, and material possessions.

The people in my Dads cult know who they are based on external things. Mostly material things, but also the jobs they have gained through privilege and the relationships they have formed because of their involvement in the professional cult. If they were to speak up and say this wrong, they could loose everything. Everything that matters to them. They are faced with a complete breakdown and loss of self on all levels of they question my Dads authority. This is exactly where he wants them. They are controllable. They were once whole people but he has broken them down and created a false reality for them in all senses where he can take away everything at the drop of a hat. Ultimate control is the only kind of control my Dad likes. That’s why he created the professional cult, the war games did not allow him enough ultimate control.

So where do these people go from here? They have mostly been kept small. Have you seen the people on River Road? They have bought into learned helplessness on a level that goes beyond deep.

My Dad does this very same thing to most people in the professional cult. They aren’t allowed to keep much if anything from their old life. This is why he prays on AA and Na so much. They know they need to change that why they go there. And he is more than happy to be their savior and show them a new way, his way.

You know what these people need to do? They need to stop eating the carrot cake and the Doritos. Start questioning everything and thinking logically. Do you really even like chips or have you just been told you do for so long that you have accepted that you like chips. What do you really like? What do you like that no one around you likes too? What makes you different? What makes you happy? What makes your soul sing?

You know why I’m safe in church parking lots? Because these people have an identity that is strong. They would never leave God behind and accept my Dad as God. Sure some people are just religious because it makes them look like a good person. But most believe in God and they believe in who they are.

What makes you believe in who you are? What do you know about yourself that you discovered on your own and no one ever told you? These are the things you need to ask yourself. If you have to be told who you are and have material possessions that represent who you are, maybe your doing it wrong. Because anyone can lie to you, but especially people who do not have your best interest in mind. Think about it, your destiny may go unfulfilled if you are listening to others telling you who you are. And that would be a tragedy because we all need the person you were destined to be.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

Redmond

I’m going back to Eugene today. Thank you for the reminder of what Vegas weather feels like. I miss home. I appreciate you all and am grateful for you all helping me learn so much about myself and my story.

I’m going to work really hard on my ability to unconditionally love everyone and practice forgiveness because it’s the right thing for me. Anger and resentment just hold ne back. However, I will never for get what you all did to me. I miss my little girl. Please take care of Teka. She deserves all the structure, routine, and love she can get. Give her a hug for me and tell her that her momma loves her very much, more today than ever before and that will never change.

With a heavy heart I have to go get my overt life in order. This will not break me, but it hurts and I will breathe through it.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

P.S. One day I would still like to meet the farmer I was supposed to conquer aka marry. I’m sure we have a lot to discuss.