I don’t understand covert war. I have tried so hard to wrap my mind around it, but it just does not compute. I just don’t get it. Kind of like I don’t understand why people lie. Why not be who you are? And do what you say you will do? Or be the person you say you are? Isn’t it easier just to be rather than to pretend? Covert warfare takes up so much energy. Don’t you get exhausted?
I have collected and presented the fact this year in an effort to make sense of why people are trying to kill me and have been so confusing my whole life. People have been my special interest because they are confusing and so far from logical that I really do not think I will ever fully grasp the human species.
There are a few of you I still have hope for, but I know that my hope will never be rewarded with kindness. I do have hope that one day someone will be honest with me and be like yeah this sucks you got a bad hand. But people will always tell me I am the problem and the one lacking.
I was the happiest at the Death camp than I have ever been. Yes, it was hard to survive, but none of the people there who tried to kill me pretended to love me. Sure they were nice on rare occasions, but that is only when they felt me slipping away. Emotions confuse me. Mostly because people have used emotions to brainwash me into thinking I am the one in the wrong.
Being around my Mom makes me want to ask, “Why do you not love me?” She loves my Brother. They both seem to have this alliance more than love. If my Mom behaves, my Brother will allow her to partake in destroying me. Because when she leaves the house she is the one who is looked down upon and Shunned like me. You would think she would understand more.
The world does not understand me and I do not understand the world. It is what it is, right? My desire to try to make sense of it all is just getting me punished/destroyed more.
Nicole D Graves
P.S. Always remember your heart and the way people make you feel, not what they say!