Almost To Grants Pass, Again

Well, here I sit at a rest stop near Grants Pass, Oregon, again. I do not remember how many times I have driven south in hopes that this was over, but here we are again. The dogs and I walked a couple miles around the rest stop moving our lymphatic systems to help with the poisoned ride here. And I still have not seen a white person Christmas tree. This is the longest I have been in public and not seen one in years.

My family knows where I am by now and yet I do not see their covert war tactics. The truckers still make my cheeks tingle with backed up with lymphatic fluid though, but I think that is as normal as this weird world gets. I am not going to celebrate or ever believe this is over, but maybe enough of them thought I deserve to live my own life? I am still in shock that I am the only one. How can that be? I have always been told I was weak, crazy, and incapable. Talk about cognitive dissonance!

When I told my Mom I was leaving, I saw her arrogance again. She had thought things were back to normal for her, but even better because it must be her unofficial Christmas and I was going to let her kill me and my dogs. Please allow me another moment of humanity. If you could treat her how she would have treated you if you had failed at turning one of your children, I would super appreciate it. I am not good at evil, but I think that seems like the most fair way for me to feel a bit of justice in the world. I really dislike her, but I do have love for her. It is a really weird dynamic, or just the leftovers of stockholm syndrome.

Ready for me to freak you out with my hippie dippie talk? I have seen the future and I know that I end up on or near the beach. I used to dream/have visions of me walking the dogs on the beach in California, while I was really sick in Arizona. This was so comforting at the time. I never quite know the how or the when, but I have knowings. Plus, a lot of our ancestors who were waiting in line to cross over have actually crossed over. They know you all are in a better space and safer. My Grandma and Grandpa Kudearoff crossed over today and that meant me letting her go(the men in line do not talk to me, just the women). It was really hard she has been with me since she died, but she sent her friends Ewa and Marco to be with me for awhile. Ewa helped me through waving my white flag for the best interest of everyone.

Thank you to everyone for visiting their ancestors. I am so proud of you. It’s hard to go when you don’t know what to say or do, but it gets easier and your connections will grow. Cousin J will you please make sure someone removes the moss from Grandma and Grandpa’s headstone. I did not have a chance to do it today like I wanted to. I had to leave. I love you. You will always be the closest to a sister I have ever had. Thank you for being you.

I have no clue what comes next, but I am not going to lie, I hope it is a job. A person would be nice for security sake, but trusting people is hard so that seems a bit far fetched. Money has always been more comforting to my nervous system than people. Sounds harsh, huh? But yet it is true.

Dare I be bold enough to say, “Let the second half of my life begin!”

Love Always

Nicole

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