I think yesterday was supposed to be a covert message to me, but you know I don’t get those well at all. You are the only person who ever saved me from pain and punishment like Grandma, but I pushed you away when I remembered the sexual abuse. This was by design of the cult, I now understand. The boyfriend at the time pushed for me to stop talking to you and that was it, you were powerless and unable to help me anymore.
Well, I do still love you. Plus, now I understand so much more. You caused me a lot of pain, but it was not all your fault it was this weird world with the really weird covert rules we live in. I am no longer pushing you out of my life. So, now would be the time to be revolutionary with me if you choose to love me. You have lived a long life and know they will continue to punish you in cruel ways. So come join my revolution and help me change the world. I would be forever grateful.
The Kudearoff cult may even try to harm you to get at my last piece of humanity. But how can I feel true love for anyone? Everyone I have developed the feelings that I describe as love has tried to destroy and kill me. So I think it is safe to assume my love feelings are mostly trauma bonds.
Dad, I did love you greatly as a child. You were my hero. You taught me money is freedom and how to cry when bad things happen. You always gave me the big emotional news because you knew Mom had broke me inside and I did not respond how I “should”. I appreciate that. It probably helped me blend in more and appear more “normal”.
I love you and wish you well, but I cannot gamble on you having a heart and helping me in anyway. So, be safe, stop eating carbs, exercise daily, take vitamins, and eat lots of steak.
Love Always and Forever
Your Daughter Nicole