Do I want to be right or do I want a chance at a life? If I keep pointing out the obvious flaws in this world that everyone else has covertly learned to ignore, I will never get a chance at living a life of my own and the gaslighting will continue. No one wants to talk about what is going on in the world with the covert war that is right in front of our faces. And my desire to talk openly about it just makes everyone uncomfortable.
However, if I ignore what is happenening I am no better than anyone who has ignored my pain and suffering my whole life. All the people who have disregarded my pain and made it worse by gaslighting me about the state of the world and my life have made me who I am. They have motivated me to be anit-social . But maybe that is the lesson is just to keep to myself and live in my own little world. Success, independence, and using my brain is what I value most. And I too need to watch out for my own best interest, just as everyone else.
With a heavy heart I am going to stop asking why and just deal with the world the way it is. I just want to live a good life with my munchies and enjoy the child free and partner free life I have fought for. Yes, this does feel like rolling over and dying a bit inside, but it is what it is. I want to realize some of my dreams that are still within reach and I need to fight for that instead of fighting for people who lack the gumption to stand up for what is right. I can’t fight a war by myself and being revolutionary alone does not work either.
I hope you all have learned something from my fight for life. I won my war for being alive without having to have a child and get married. So, I am more revolutionary than most. I can accept this as a win. I did not have to find my savior in another and that is revolutionary for someone with a birthright like mine. Maybe I gave hope to some of the children who are in similar positions, but most likely they don’t get war game updates and have not even heard of my escape from death.
I just don’t want to play this game anymore. I am going to focus on health and healing like I promised from the beginning and focus on my independence. Hopefully, I will make it to a point where I can travel and talk to you people about health and healing in person, because that is still something that would make my heart sing. And maybe that is the revolutionary person I am destined to be. I am going to start new again in real life so I may as well do it online too. In the next couple days I am going to redesign my website and wipe a clean slate on my IG because I deserve greatness and greatness in this world requires a brand of silence that will take some getting used to for me. Do I forgive everyone who kept me in the dark and suffering? No, not all the way, but I am working on it. And I need to stop focusing on pain to move forward. Will my heart ever be free from all this pain? No, not all the way , but I am working on it.
I have seen myself walking on the beach with my munchies and if I want to realize the dreams of my future I have to put away the past. And that means forgetting that the world and my family have tried to kill me over and over. Even sentencing me to die alone in the desert. Will I ever forget? No, but acceptance is the first step in overcoming anything.
Always be revolutionary in some way, even if it is not quite as imagined.