Friday August 5th 2022 Moon in Scorpio Sun in Leo My Day, Realizations, & Ramblings

In New Mexico last year, my family had convicts gang stalking me and trying to kill me. It was when I was driving through Wyoming too. However in New Mexico they tried to threaten me with physical violence at the grocery store one day. The people I saw today at Walmart were like the convicts I experienced last year. They yelled and cussed at me in attempts to break me, but they didn’t threaten physical violence overtly. However they made no effort to hide their anger about me threatening their way of life. These were people my Dad would have never even considered for his cult a month ago. It was a bit interesting and a bit shocking. Desperation makes people do things they never thought they would do. I can completely understand that more than I ever have before. It’s been weeks since I used a bathroom. I now prefer to pre outside. I rarely shower unless I have to pretend to not be destroyed and partake in the overt world for job stuff. My life is a fragment of what it used to be. Just like my Dads cult is a fragment of what it once was.

Last night I watched over 5 hours of food videos. I know it’s awful for me, but I still did it. I’m fascinated. I can’t figure out all the puzzle pieces. Food videos spike your insulin feeding viruses parasites bacteria and harming your kidneys. I know better. But the more they use the poisons on me that spike my insulin the more emotional I am and the more I seek comfort. This afternoon I realized I’m getting a cold sore from last night. I have NEVER had a cold sore before, never. That tells you how bad food videos are for you. So today I’m loading up on antivirals just like when I had covid and I will report back and let you know if it worked. So far it seems to be helping my lip is less swollen. If I can heal covid naturally I can overcome a cold sore.

So food, it’s a weapon of destruction. I’m trying to get myself back into the old mind set I had about food where I rarely thought of it and just ate one meal a day. It has to do with being in my reptilian brain so much because of all the poisons the past few years. When I have a project I do better because I have something to focus on. Do you all project? I love projects!

Today I was reviewing my food/fasting log/diary. Walking got hard when I was in Prineville and did a 72 hour fast in the cemetery there and layed in the sun. They changed the poisons then and have been going strong ever since. Before that I was walking 1 to 2 hours a day on average.

Today is day 11 of my fast. The red dots on my legs that were broken blood vessels and super tiny are gone almost completely. Great improvement! This means my heart is healing even with everything. I forgot about the 72 hour fast I did a couple days before I started this one, so that probably helps too. Last month, I did 10 fasted days. Which sounds like a lot. But I ate like shit in June and July. The worst I have eaten in years. Granted my worst is not that bad compared to what most people eat, but still it tore up my body and organs. I have no clue how you all eat what you eat. But I have thought that since I was about 18.

The poisons that spike my insulin have me overtly emotional. It took me awhile to catch on to what was happening and why I felt weird. But let me vent and tell you what these emotions have me thinking about. Today I cleaned my Jeep a bit just wiping down the dash and such. It’s been almost 2 years, its pretty filthy. And I was thinking I miss being taken care of. I was never taught to take care of myself. I was only taught how to take care of others. I have had to learn everything the hard way when it comes to caring for myself. It’s been a lot to say the least.

When I was with Ryan Payne, I used to have him do the grocery shopping so I could work longer. Because I made more money so it literally made sense for me to stay at work longer, commission has always driven me to do better. I dont like grocery shopping anyway. Then I would come home and cook what he got. I like this because it made me feel like we were a team and like we were working smarter not harder. However, really it was just an opportunity for him to destroy me and poison our food. I’m probably the only woman who cooks who doesn’t poison her food.

When I was with Ryan Traw, he used to bring groceries over for me to make tofu nachos for us. And he would wake up earlier than me and pick up my house before I woke up. Now I realize he was poisoning the food, snooping and poisoning my house. But it made me feel cared for.

A1 used to take my car to fill it up with gas and clean it out once a week. Now I realize he was poisoning my car because I always had bad anxiety and chest pains in the car. But it made me feel taken care of.

I would love to be cared for without having to endure destruction. I understand being cared for comes at a cost, but it should never be your own destruction. However, I miss being cared for. I was never taught so many things in life. The only way my family could keep me small was by limiting my experience for a lifetime. But in the past 5 years, I have survived on my own through hell and back and learned so many life skills. However I still want to be taken care of now and again. Life is about give and take.

When we were in Jamaica, A1 would bring me a ginger mojito while I was taking a bath. I understand he was poisoning me now. But I sure would love someone to do sweet things like that minus the poison. I want their actions to be motivated by love not hate and destruction.

So yeah, I long to be taken care of like I have always deserved. I dont need someone to save me. Just someone to care for me and show me love. And with me one of my love languages is acts of service. I like when people do things to show me they care for me and my well being. Even if its bringing me a coffee or mojito while I’m in the bathtub. Little things make me so happy. I miss the little things in life. I dont miss the trips as much as I miss having a home and someone to share it with. Granted, I’m ok with that sharing meaning they visit on weekends. But ideally I would love to have someone in my life I want around all the time, not just weekends.

I know I need to be realistic. I’m never going to get real love. However, I can hope that whoever I end up teaming up with to fulfill my destiny will be kind and caring. I wish I knew about my birthrights sooner, I could have planned for this all so much better. But that’s what my Dad didn’t want me to do. No one ever wanted me to be prepared for anything. Whether that be life, work, cleaning my car, etc. I was never taught so many things. However, I think I have done pretty decent and I am really proud of myself. Lemons into lemonade just like always. Google has helped raise me and teach me so many things. Google really is my best friend. If I had known when I was younger that I would have access to a handheld device that could answer any question I had, I would have told you you were lying. No one ever answered my questions as a child. My whole family kept me on a need to know basis. And they didn’t think I needed to know anything. This is why I believe in freedom of information so strongly. We all deserve to know the facts.

So how are the Argentinians doing out there? I understand I’m asking the world when I ask you all to even consider helping me. But you know I have been working everyday at eliminating more and more of my scads professional cult. I have worked through every subgroup in the war games and won over my dads military army. I know its seems like a far stretch for me to make it through everyone. But I’m so close. 493 days I have been working on this revolution. It took months to even realize there were war games. I can’t imagine where I will be a year from now. But I know more people listen to me than I could ever really fathom. It’s scary to know I’m so important. And its hurtful to know my importance still leaves me so vulnerable. I suppose I just want to say I’m here when you all are ready to help me and I will keep working on eliminating the professional army. Because honestly I dont know what else to do.

I have an interview at an temp agency, Express Employment Professionals on Monday with Pat the franchise owner here in eugene. I’m sure she has fancy birthrights otherwise she wouldn’t get to own a business right? Suppose she will treat me fairly? I scored 87% on the office test and only got 40 wpm on the young test but I only had 4 mistakes. I didn’t know I was allowed to make errors. So I definitely didn’t do great, but I’m proficient. I have some hope. She will make things more complicated than necessary because everyone does. And working will just be an opportunity for my Dad to get people to destroy me more. But again what else am I supposed to do?

Yesterday, I realized I have been getting fake flea pills from Banfield Animal Hospital inside the pet Smart on Coburg road. I’m pretty sure they are giving me antibiotics that are poisoned. No wonder the fleas have been so bad. And the Advantage I got at Coastal farm supplies a few months back was fake too. No wonder. My kids never really had fleas until southern California last winter. I’m pretty sure they implanted fleas in the grass and bushes that we used to walk by just like the implanted a hand gun manual. One way or another they are determined to drive me crazy. I dont think it’s working because the more they make me angry the more I want to survive and get even. I’m tired of the bad guys winning. So I disputed some charges on my credit card and will write to Banfield on Monday so I can dispute that charge as well.

I may not have done the greatest job cleaning my car today, but I made progress and sometimes all you can hope for is progress.

I understand helping me seems like a double edged sword. But to me, it just means I would get someone to talk to and someone to conquer the world with. I know it doesn’t seem like I’m conquering the world, but I am. I am moving mountains and doing the unthinkable everyday just by being alive and having my heart intact. It’s a lot, but I suppose it’s my life and my destiny.

When your destiny calls you have to answer. I hope one of you answer.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

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