I have not journaled in awhile because I am mad at you all still. You killed my dog Teka. I dont know how long that will take me to get over. But I did look at pictures from the last 4 years and Teka had been old for awhile. I just kept finding ways to keep her alive. And maybe she wasn’t meant to last this long. Our lives have been really hard and uncomfortable. She was a little 8 pound senior citizen. She wasnt cut out for being revolutionary for this long. I never would have stopped trying to fix her health. And maybe that was torturing her because what was I making her stay alive for? She hates the cold weather. She’s from Vegas. I miss her so much, but I know she is better off now dead with my grandma Kudearoff. I’m just sad for myself. I have never lost someone I really love before. This is all new to me. I have never cared for anyone who died before. My grandma Kudearoff was the closest and I still didn’t cry at her funeral. Everyone there that took part in killing her was fake crying at her funeral even my cousin Jessica. I couldn’t understand any of this. I was sad, but again I was just sad for me. I saw how much pain she had been in and I was glad her pain was over. Both Teka and my Grandma Kudearoff made my life less painful and I am sad I lost them both. But I’m sad for me. I know they both are better off. I just wish things had ended differently. I wish for a lot of things.
Waking up today and seeing the people from the North working with my Dad was a kick in the guts. But I suppose I never reached out to their leaders before today, so it was my fault kind of. I realized my aunts on the Kudearoff side married men from the north and the south. Two from each. There is always a pattern, even if you dont see it there is a pattern. 1 and 3 married the north. 2 and 4 married the south. I just had never seen it before. There are always patterns in the war games and in life. Just because you dont see them doesn’t mean they dont exist. Everything is an equation with variables. The more you can define and control the variables the more you can predict the outcome. Life is just an equation. Everything boils down to logic and math.
I have been poisoned and gassed a lot this week and kept up all night on multiple occasions with lead poisons. And you all know lead poisons make my do puzzles with my brain. I figured out how my head surgery changed me and why the chip in my head didn’t really help brainwash me fully. So before my surgery I was really smart, but I was smart like all the other kids with asperger’s. I was very black and white and logic and math based. My parents hated it. But honestly I loved math so much because it was the only thing I had found with only one right answer. My parents couldn’t gaslight me and tell me I was wrong about math. There was only one right answer. They told me I was wrong all the time. So math was my safe place where I got to be right. My Dad stopped helping me with math homework in 1st grade. I made both my parents feel inferior. They didn’t know what to do with me. My mom took me to one of her college classes once. And she got mad at me for learning from the lecture and wanting to talk about it. It was a law class. I never went to school with her again. When I started school they grew my c diff infection so I would keep to myself and no one would notice I was smart. When they were testing us in 2nd grade for gifted and talented my parents were so stressed I would be found out. They poisoned me a lot then even more than the usual a lot. Heavy metals and infections and viruses and parasites are how my parents kept me in a concentration camp. My organs were always failing and I couldn’t always think straight. And I sure as hell couldn’t communicate with them. Any time I tried to talk to them I was told I was wrong or to go away and go downstairs and entertain myself. I have spent most of my life alone. Its been really lonely. But my family did this to break me. It didn’t work, but it’s still hurtful.
So before my head surgery my brain was 0s and 1s. I believe this is how they write computer codes. My brain was all 0s and 1s. This made me pretty unrelatable because I was missing grey. However, after my head surgery it was like when a computer reboots. Except when it turned back on it was the ABCs instead of 0s and 1s. Basically I went to sleep with my brain speaking English, but I woke up with it speaking Chinese. No one ever talked to me about my head surgery or addressed my head trauma. They grew my c diff infection more and more. By 4th grade I had so many autoimmune disorders and my organs were failing so bad. My 4th grade school picture you can tell I am in pain, but no one ever said anything or acknowledged my pain. I didn’t understand what was happening to my body or my brain. I was still smarter than most people but I wasn’t me and my organs were failing and I was dying metaphorically and literally.
Not until Arizona and doing heavy metal cleansing for years to remove the lead from my body and brain did I start to feel like me again. I would leave purple sweat stains on my white sheets. I had no clue what was happening. But I knew I was on the right track. Humans aren’t supposed to sweat purple. So I kept going. I dont know if I would have purple sweat stains again if I did the firefighter 911 detox again. But I know I need to do again after being so poisoned on this revolution.
My brain changed after my head surgery, but it didn’t make me less than. It made me greater than I just had to learn to understand the new language it was speaking. You know in the movie beautiful mind with that Russell guy when he writes those big long equations on the chalk board. I have no clue what those mean. After my head surgery math didn’t appeal to me as much. But my brain does equations using words now. This is how I started doing logic equations. Or it how it became my default setting rather than math. When I use words to do my equations I can account for the grey in the world. A premise plus a premise equals a paradigm. I am always adding this together and subtracting and multiplying. I still dont know how I know a lot of things. But I do know it is because I do equations in my head. Happiness equals desires divided by satisfaction. If you have more desires than satisfaction you wont be happy. So I figured out my brain. And that is why I am so determined to have potential. Potential has been kept from me in extreme measures. It took me over 25 years to reboot my brain fully after my head surgery. It almost took 30 years. I lost myself for 30 years. I was alive but I wasn’t me fully. Can you imagine enduring everything I have had to go through while not being myself or understanding my brain? It was really traumatic and I constantly felt like I was not myself because I wasn’t. I used to look down on the experiences of trauma I had. I remember them but I’m always floating outside my body as if watching a movie of it happening to someone else. So maybe not being myself saved me. But I do know it was really awful. And now that I have myself back I am going to fight to get to experience who I am fully. Because I still dont know who I am meant to be. Sure I know who I am to you all, but that’s not me. That’s just the war games and my birthrights. I need to know who I am. That is my purpose in life. And I know who I am, but I have absolutely no clue what I am capable of. I have no clue what my limits are. I want to learn how to really play chess. No one would ever play with me as a kid. My uncle Jeff taught me how to play, but then my parents must have said something because no one ever wanted to play with me afterwards. I need to know my limits. And I need to cleanse my body more to find my mental limits. Because so far in life my limits have been made by my physical body being diseased. My family has done this to the world. You all just didn’t have head surgery.
Also I figured out why the chip in my head didn’t help to brainwash me. It helps to confuse me and get me to do the wrong things and make mistakes. But it doesn’t brainwash me. It’s because my Dad didn’t change the way he was trying to brainwash. He used the same failing tactics on the outside and on the inside. I suppose he thought he could put a chip in my head and then all of a sudden his failing tactics would work. But it didn’t. My Dad has a voice in my head. I had to learn about the voice of God, and my voice, and then I always had this other voice. And of course I had my soul and heart too. But my Dad wanted to take over the voice of God in my head. But the voice of God is on the very top of your logical mind. I feel like the chip in my brain is in my reptilian brain. My Dad used the same nlp neuro linguistic programming techniques that everyone uses in my head. These techniques have been around since the late 1970s. Everyone who tells you who you are is programming you. Only you know who you are. Anyways my Dad tells me you are this or you are that or you should do this or you should do that. But the thing is, it’s my head. If it was really me it would say I should do this or I should do that. My brain wouldn’t talk me in second person. My brain and body are set to be in first person. I am I do etc. He put a chip in my head and failed because he’s not smart enough to understand everyone’s brain uses first person. This blows my mind literally and metaphorically lol pun intended. This makes me want to find out how smart I really am even more. The war games cause brain damage from all the traditions and chemicals and foods etc. I have escaped some of this because I don’t take part in the destruction. But I have been warred on even more than most. So I hope I give you all hope because if I can overcome everything I have been through, you can too. You just need to cleanse your body and your mind and emotions will fall in place. I would never have been able to win you all over if my mind was still black and white and 1s and 0s. I needed to know grey to relate to you all. I needed my brain to use words instead of numbers. I write everything down because I do have a photographic memory I just haven’t figured out how to use it. It happens sometimes but not others. I see words in my mind. It’s hard to explain but I want to learn how to use it because then I could really do anything. I have a lot of personal goals. But I dont get to work on many of them till I win over the world and get my career moving. I hope that is soon because I am really tired.
So do you think the north will join us? Have I left out anyone else? Because if I wake up being destroyed by another group of people tomorrow I am going to be really disappointed. I’m tired. I got my Amazon stuff today and it was poisoned. I have taken poisoned vitamins and supplements ever since I started taking them. They still work. So I took some poisoned turmeric essential oil and it was heavenly. I have been doing alternate day fasting to heal my fatty liver this month. I suppose I am 1/3 done. It only take one month of alternate day fasting to heal a fatty liver that is stage 1 and not too bad. I read research that said this, but I felt when I did my 21 day fast this summer. After 14 days I felt better, the next week didn’t help as much. And alternate day is so much easier than fasting for 14 or 21 days. In California last year I did alternate day fasting and only ate ground beef on my eating days for about a month and a half. I changed so much for the better during those 6 weeks. I had never seen my body look so healthy. Granted I have a lot of things to work on because my Dad has destroyed me so much the past 5 years. Cancer, autoimmune diseases, the death camp, and this revolution were all hard and took their toll on my body. But fasting and eating low fat is the best thing for anyone. Granted you need to eat some fat, but not much. I have yet to really get to eat low fat, but just eating only every other day works too. And I eat about 3k calories on my eating days. If there wasn’t so much alkaline poisons around me I wouldn’t eat so much. But I am making progress my heart, liver, and kidneys are better. Not good by any means but better. 14 fasted days in one month to heal fatty liver and you dont have to change what you eat. That’s pretty amazing. So I’m only 1/3 of the way there. Tomorrow is a fasting day and I will go out to my grandma Kudearoff’s grave tomorrow because that is my routine and ritual. When she was alive we all spent every Saturday at her house. I love routines and rituals. They soothe my nervous system.
I have been thinking about what rules I need to stick to in order to be healthy and happy when I start working. I am such a rules kind of person. When I have rules I make for myself and I stick to them I feel better. I have always had rules about food. That is why I am alive. I have rules about everything really. But I’m the only person that can hold myself accountable for following these rules.
Here are the ones I have come up with so far.
Only wear black comfortable clothes. If I can come up with a uniform and buy some new clothes that are just multiples of the same thing even better. I started doing this in Arizona. I love it. Decision fatigue is a real thing. Not having to think about the simple things in life is priceless. All black everything matches. And everything can be washed together. Also no clothes that cant be washed and dried in machines. I don’t got time for that.
Eat only one meal a day or every other day. I want to continue my alternate day fasting for a month but maybe longer. Ideally I would like my organs to be healthy enough I can eat everyday if I want. But I really like how efficient it is to eat every other day and have 3k calories. I do enjoy having a snack some days after my meal, but it has to be within a couple hours so my eating window isn’t more than 4 hours. Also, dry fasting has to happen every night. It makes a world of difference.
I’m happiest when I walk Haywood in the morning and at night 45 minutes to an hour. One long walk is good too but two shorter ones are better. Here I have not been able to do this as much because it’s cold and wet here compared to Arizona. This one is an ideal one. It’s not a rule etched in stone like food and clothes. If I feel like skipping it I can. But I know it is best for both me and Haywood.
So those are some of my rules. I’m not sure what other rules I will have when I start real estate. I have a ton more but I’m not looking to bore you all too much. Plus its really hard to say what my life will be like this year and moving forward period. I only get the life you all allow me to live. I was helpless before, but the the action I took was connecting with you all so I could ask to have a regular life. I always have just wanted a regular life. I really hope I have earned it. I believe I have deserved it for awhile.
I have good news as well. You all dont have to worry about me as much because I have figured out my finances more. I admit I am not good at knowing how much money is enough. But I believe being over prepared is always better than not having enough. I got a credit limit increase on one of my credit cards and I found another credit card with a 0% apr that I was able to transfer a few thousand dollars into. Plus I have about 6k in checking and savings and I have a few thousand in my money market if the stock market goes up I will have more. Plus I have my taxes I need to file. So I have enough money to live in my car while I start selling real estate. But I have to plead with you all. Because I am really tired of living in my car or jeep whatever you want to call it. But looking back at pictures from Arizona I can’t live like that again. I lived in an apartment with cockroaches and my neighbors poisoned me through the walls and the apartment had mold spores and the carpet was 40 years old. I just cant live like that again. I understand I need to earn my own way. But I’m just hoping you all can tell people to do business with me in real estate. My whole life my Dad has told people not to buy what I sell. I literally got a payment from Amazon the other day for my two books that was for 6 cents. I have worked so hard my whole life. And I just want to be able to provide for myself. Its really important to me to be able to take care of myself. Its literally a dream of mine. So whatever you all can do I appreciate it. I am going to focus on the west side of eugene when I sell real estate. So those of you in charge of people on the west side have my fate in your hands. And thus the fate of the world. No pressure or anything.
I missed journaling and talking to you all. I’m mad at the world still for costing me my dog Teka, but maybe you all will let me have a good life now. No more killing me or my other dog Haywood okay? I want to call a truce with you all. Stop hurting me and I will change the world for you all so it doesn’t hurt us all so much. I just want to be one of you all. That is my biggest wish. I want a career, a home, and hopefully one day soon a family of my own that wont hurt or kill me. That’s really all I need. What else really is there in life?
I am very happy to have you all in my life. I have been searching for a way to connect with you all for a lifetime. You all make me rich. I hope you understand how valuable you all are. You are the most precious commodity in the world. People will always be our greatest strength when used correctly. Humanity can be beautiful or it can be really ugly. I am excited to see the beauty we all create.
Nicole D Graves