I dont just live in a war zone. I live on the front lines. I am the front lines. Every time I make progress and reach more people, my Dad pushes back as much as he can. A couple weeks ago I reached the Jewish people and ever since then my Dad has been trying to kill me even more.
Yesterday I reached the world, and today my Dad is trying to kill me pretty intensely. It’s hard to live like this. It never really gets easier. And you know what makes it worse? When people know what they are doing and they do it anyway. I got up and got moving so I could see the world and how the world changed. I went and dried my sleeping bag and blankets cause they get damp from being in the car especially when we are poisoned a lot overnight. And I went to Walmart to eat because I needed comfort. I should be fasting, but I need comfort. My nervous system is hyperactive. This means I can feel the conflict of the world. I can feel everything. One day I will learn how to explain these feelings. But overwhelming is the best explanation I have today. But you know what makes everything worse? Today at the laundry matt and at Walmart I saw people with guilt all over their faces who wouldn’t look me in the eyes. These people know what they are doing is wrong. But they do it because they dont believe they will be held accountable.
The only way I can relate to this is by thinking of buying garlic. I often get organic garlic but I only pay for regular garlic at the self checkout. I do this because organic garlic is so expensive and my Dad poisons all of them. So no garlic is really organic around me. But no matter how I rationalize what I do. I’m still not doing the right thing. These people know they aren’t doing the right thing, but know it’s worth the gamble because they wont get in trouble. I even saw a man related to my uncle Jeff Whiddon tonight at Walmart. My Dad is pulling out all the stops. He won’t give up because if he does he looses everything he has worked a lifetime to accomplish. My Dad doesn’t have anything to live for except destruction. He doesn’t have a family who loves him. He doesn’t have anything else in life besides this covert world war 3 he has created. He has lived for this war since the 1970s. Over 50 years his life has been about building this war. For over three decades this has included trying to kill me so he can have his world war 3. My Dad will never stop trying to kill me. Because he knows you all will have nothing to hope for after I’m dead. The only way to save me is to convince the world I’m worth more to them alive. I have been trying to do this for almost 2 years now. Most of the world sees my value. However the regular ordinary people who have not been in on the war against me dont understand what all is at stake. I dont know how to convince them that their wellbeing is worth more than the little bit of privilege my Dad offers them to destroy me. They dont seem able to use math or think logically. But they arent more subhuman than the people born into the war games. So it isnt their ability to think clearly that is the problem. It’s their ability to act on what they know. Just like I know I should have fasted today, but I ate to comfort myself. These people are doing my Dad’s bidding to comfort themselves and make themselves feel better and important. If my Dad is calling on them they must really matter for the first time in their lives. Feeling comfort and importance are both very important. And maybe they are more important than survival sometimes. At what point does feeling seen and heard and like you matter become a need for survival? These people are fulfilling their needs for survival. And they will keep doing it until someone stops them. They wont stop themselves. They view this as a survival need for themselves. They dont understand the war we all live in because they are blinded by their own selfish needs. Maybe its selfish of me to put my need to live as a priority. Maybe you all should let me die to allow these people to live. They view me dying as necessary for their survival. And until this changes I’m going to continue to be stuck not only in a war zone but on the front lines.
I never asked to be this important. Being this powerful or important has made me vulnerable and powerless my whole life. When people see me they see opportunity to earn themselves something. No one has ever seen me when they see me. No one really knows who I am as a person. But my dogs. No one can look me as just a regular ordinary person. I’m always going to be larger than life. But all I have ever wanted to be is ordinary. I dont want any of this. I never asked for any of this. My biryhrights and being from my family are the biggest tradegies of my life. However I cant undo any of it. I dont want my life to mean more than someone else’s life. But in this weird imaginary game the world plays I am the most valuable person in the world right now. Because I am the only one who can undo what my Dad has created and done. I’m the only one in the world who can help us all. Can you imagine how that feels? I didn’t know anything about anything 2 years ago. And now I understand my life has been like this because I am the most important person for the future of the world. Can you imagine how overwhelming that would feel? I understand these people signing up to fight this war have needs that are just as important as mine. But, in this stupid imaginary game that the world plays I matter more. And even I can feel how unfair that is. Its not right. The only promise I can make is that when I get safe and am able to create better for us all I will work on making everyone’s life worth the same thing. But if I don’t accomplish what my birthrights allow me to do, then everyone will continue to have to deal with certain people being worth more. If i die the injustice continues till the end of time. No other person who means more than the rest of you will ever understand what its like to be discounted . I was treated like a nobody my whole life. I knew I didn’t matter to anyone. No one else with a fancy birthright has grown up like this and lived like this. No one else has the ability to put themselves into the shoes of an ordinary regular person like I do. I represent ordinary regular people getting better and getting fair playing ground. No one from a fancy family will ever understand them like I do. Yet, they sign up to kill me.
I understand why they are the way they are. But I dont understand why they still sign up to kill me. It goes against everything they want need and desire. They have been overlooked their whole lives and now they are overlooking themselves. This is no longer my war to fight. I literally reached the world. This isnt my war anymore. Now the world gets to decide how they want to live and what kind of world they want to live in. Today, I give this over to God and you all. Because I cant fight anymore. I’m tired. I’m not feeling well. And I really need some comfort. My heart hurts both because its failing and I’m sad. The world shouldn’t be how it is. But it’s not my choice of we get to change it. It’s you all’s choice. But I hope you all choose quickly because I can only last on the front lines for so long. I’m fading fast but I am not the one in charge of my life. You all get to decide if you want me to live and change the world. If your happy with the way it is then you dont need me.
Nicole D Graves