Today Leo season starts and today marks a week I have been in the Bend area. Last Saturday I arrived in the evening. My family has been super anxious to have me around these people. Even trying to get me to go to Mt Bachelor to escape the heat. But I love the heat. Their Amygdala damage causes them to be unable to regulate temperature because they are in a constant fear state. The heat is good for my ph balance. It creates a more acidic environment. No wonder I always felt better in Vegas.
I have learned so much since being here. I’m a better person for making this trip. I realized my ph balance is what my family has been using to destroy me my whole life, but especially since Vegas. It’s finally starting to sink in that they have been actively trying to kill me for over 30 years. My brother is an act of destruction in his mere existence. I finally understand why he exists. I finally understand my parents divorce and why they fought so hard over me, but not Ryan. Ryan has always been my Moms weapon of destruction. My Dad didn’t really want him, but over the years they have created a trauma bond. My Dad still wants me to breed and die that’s why he sent me to Texas when I left Santa Fe. He wanted me to breed with someone who works at a pizza place and lives in a 1 bedroom apartment. And then he wanted me to die. So I’m glad I left Houston last summer and went back to Oregon. I appreciate Mitch but he’s just a puppet for my Dad. I wonder if was probably my Dad that got me my magazine column. It makes sense. My aunt Penny worked in the newspaper and Mrs Hitler was into journalism. My dad couldn’t control me with a man so he used my work and my passion. I have never gotten to earn my dreams. They have been stolen from me and replaced with Truman show replicas that are one dimensional. It’s a shallow existence and it’s all fake. From far away it looks bright and shiny but up close its dull and not intriguing. I just realized my work was all a lie in this moment writing this. Wow that was hurtful. Work has always been something I like to take pride in. Well since I found jobs utilizing my passions.
Today, my family had Sheldon from Vegas text and try to get me jealous about him having two jobs. They are like children and will never understand me. Even though they have direct access to my thoughts. Front row seats and they can’t understand what is happening. How can they not see how unintelligent they are? Or do they see and it just makes them mad? Because I have always made them feel inferior. Even when I was 4 I would look at them like they were dumb when they tried to con me with logic equations that didn’t add up.
I don’t just desire a job. I desire an outlet for my passion and a purpose in life. Purpose allows people to survive the unthinkable. My life has been unthinkable in many aspects. Well, probably all aspects.
So while here in Eastern Oregon, I realized I was supposed to live here and marry a farmer from here. They had picked the farmer they were brainwashing me to marry as a child. Grandma Kudearoff had planned my life for me, but when she died Aunt Lana and my Dad made other plans for me. I dont know if my life would have been better here. My family has always gotten people to treat me in a subhuman manner. But I have to believe that if I had known who I was I would have been able to protect myself more. Being in the dark about who I am has been my biggest handicap.
Not everyone knew my Great grandparents were Mr and Mrs. Hitler aka Bennit. People have listen to my Dad and Brother solely based on them being Graves. I have all the fancy birthrights from the Graves family and from the Hitler/Bennit family, but no one will listen to me. I’m just expected to fend for myself and live in isolation and destruction. The covert war rules dont allow for this, but no one wants to risk standing up for what is right. Even though my standing up for what is right has improved everyone’s quality of life on so many levels. Its hurtful to be so unappreciated. A lot of things in my life are hurtful. My family thought that this hurt would break me. And it has but not in the way that they hoped for.
So many of my dreams are beyond unattainable now that I realize who I am. At least now I know I’m not the reason I dont have a good life. Blaming myself was the most hurtful part.
I stopped turning resumes about a week ago. It was all Truman show responses. And the actors seem to be getting worse. I have only been able to get temp jobs since Dustin Sain fired me after getting me to come back home from Southern California. My family does not want me to get comfortable in any sense. Thry must have really uncomfortable lives. Emotional addiction, being constantly stuck in their reptilian brains, and stuck in an overactive fear state so much that they can’t even regulate their body temperature. That’s gotta be rough. When I was in Portland I couldn’t regulate my body temperature for the cold, just like when I was young. But I’ve always had the ability to think logically more so than them. It’s my genetic modifications. They designed me to be better than them. But get mad at me for being better. Its ridiculous and dumb and frustrating.
I look at the world now so differently. It’s all a Truman show. We all live in a Truman show together. Look out your window it’s a Truman show. Everywhere there is grass and it’s there by design to keep us all small. Grass pollen burdens our kidneys and allergies are when your kidneys are in such a stressed state they can’t filter out the toxins. This allows for C Diff to grow more rapidly in your body because your kidneys are backing up. There are so many things that we see as normal that are weapons of destruction. Like swimming lessons for kids, like the dentist, like fresh veggies and fruit. So many things we look at as people being good people are really just acts of destruction. We praise people for their acts of destruction. We reward people for their acts of destruction.
The kids, me, and jeep have fleas from Amber’s house. I realized her ducks and chickens in the backyard have fleas. She told me they eat fleas and I believed her because who lies about something like that. I even gave the dogs fancy flea meds from the vet. We have fleas. I have given them two baths since being here. The first bath I used a towel that I had not washed so it had fleas. I didn’t think about it. I’m the poster child for absent minded professor. I’m always working on the logic equations in my head. It’s hard to focus on the simple tasks at hand. Well today the task at hand is operation kill fleas. I got some mint essential oil yesterday. It poisoned but not too bad. It’s the poison that makes me thirsty. The thirst passes if I just wait it out. But anyways today the car is full of mint essential oil and I dusted the inside with DE and its sitting in the sun. It’s not that hot today, but fingers crossed it works. Then tomorrow do some more laundry and wash the kids again. I have my legs eaten up I can only imagine what the kids gmfeel like. Bathing them and spraying them with mint essential oil seems to really help. It may take a few days but we will win this war eventually.
Yesterday I finished an almost 72 hour fast. It was really helpful. I hung out in the desert at a cemetery by prineville tha two days before and in warm springs the day before that.
They poisoned my food nothing new. But they give me meats that have been sitting out or are old because they know if my stomach is not acidic enough the bacteria will grow in my intestines. But the thing is raw meat gets absorbed in my small intestine and does not go to my large intestines. But still the meat yesterday tasted funny and Teka has not been eating much the past couple weeks cuz the meat is funny. However, I discovered a new poison yesterday. I have been eating it for years or maybe my whole life but yesterday I saw clearly what was happening. I left a lemon in the car while I was washing the dogs. When I ate it, it was hot so all the poisons were absorbed into my bloodstream so quickly it was overwhelming. It was a poison that made me alkaline. I even got cramps in my foot and leg within less than 30 minutes. I felt bloated and anxious. It was weird. But I remember this poison from the last bottle of enzymes I bought when I lived in Arizona. It wasnt AZ strong on the enzymes but enzymes are not supposed to make ta bloated and have anxiety. But those ones did every time. I still have the bottle in Amber’s garage in my two boxes of material possessions. So I’m not going to give up on lemons or the ginger or garlic that they poison. I’m just going to eat less. I have a good 20-30 pounds I could loose. In southern California I got skinny again. Just like I did in Santa Fe. Everytime I am not within the reach of my family even on this run for my life I get healthier. Whenever I go to Eugene I get sick. Everyone there is sick. They just dont realize it cause they dont know any different. I wake up happy almost everyday still. Granted I dont have the hope I used to, but my body feels good. It could be better but it’s still better than it ever has been. My health is worth so much to me. I will never forget when my mom told me I need to accept that I was never going to feel good as a child when I told her I dont feel good. So many people have told me so many hurtful things. And they meant them wholeheartedly.
In this trip to Eastern Oregon I have realized how much people have failed me my whole life. I have chosen the road less traveled and fought hard to be a good person. And here I am right where my family told me it would take me. Alone, homeless, and being destroyed by countless strangers who take joy in my pain even though I want the best for them. I give up fighting. I have fought over a year to convince the people that good and better are worth fighting for. I’m done fighting. I believe the our destiny is prewritten, but we have to accept that destiny in order for it to take place. Maybe the people just aren’t ready. I can’t force them to change their minds or take action. All I can do is take care of my side of the street. I did the right thing by coming here. This was a good last chance for humanity. I can leave here knowing I tried my hardest all year long. Actually my whole life.
I’m going to hang out for the rest of the month and be a bum and go home a take another temp job. And I can save money to go to Southern California for the winter again. And instead of trying to reach the people down there again. I can go camp out at an airport and give my announcement there. International airports have been some of my favorite stops on this adventure because I hope the world hears me. But if I camp out at them for the winter, I should be able to reach the enemies of my family. If the people aren’t ready I can’t force them. But I do know that my family doesn’t belong with the power I have in my being. If I have to find the enemies of my family on an international level. That’s what I have to do. Someone has to be brave enough and understand what is on the line. I have been held hostage and tortured my whole life at least this way I get choose who ends up with the power I possess. I have spent 479 days on top of my whole life trying to get people to be good people. I have survived the unthinkable. I’m done fighting. I surrender to my birthrights and I surrender to the world the people choose to live in. However, I do not surrender into giving the power I possess to the Kudearoffs. They were not intended to have this much power. The world would just get darker than it already is. My life has just been a preview for the people of what their lives will soon be like. If no one wants to take me seriously and understand the time restraints, I’m done trying to force it. I’m done. I accept what is and surrender. A lady and her dogs can only change the world so much. I wish it could be so different. I was hoping for a happy ending that allowed us all to have hope. But maybe those were my rose colored glasses. People have always disappointed me. Why should they be different now when I need them the most?
Nicole D Graves