- hijacked limbic system
- heavy metal poisoning
- no love, only trauma bonds
- brainwashing and NLP
- Autism, ADHD, & Dyslexia(Asperger’s didn’t work out)
- genetically modified foods/crops
- Standard American diet high in carbs and sugars
- chemicals/poison on meats
- gut bacteria warred on(leads to PTSD and all disease)
When I write it all down and reflect it finally makes sense on why humanity is lacking so many human qualities. Today, the world finally makes sense for the first time in my life. My whole life I have been trying to understand why things in the world/society just did not add up. And today is the day it finally all comes together in my brain. I understand the state of people.
I have been studying people my whole life to get to this place of understanding. No one was ever kind enough to explain the ways of the world to me. So, yes I did think you all were not trying and just slacking for no reason for a very long time. I could not understand why you all accepted such toxicity in both society and yourselves, but now I see. Can you imagine the relief I feel? Logic is my language and finally the world makes logical sense. I know I should be sad, but honestly this is a moment of great joy for me. Once I can follow the logic of a situation/problem the closer I am to not only understanding it, but solving it.
I have only seen people experience a moment of truth/clarity a few moments in my life. Death is the experience that enslaves people more or frees them. I saw this for the first time when I was eight and my Grandma Kudearoff died(why do the white SS soldier people let their Mothers live longer than their Fathers? Is my Grandma Lippe still alive? She is the one person who can truly understand my pain because Hitler was her Father).
Anyways back to death and the truth setting you free. When my Mom and her siblings faced the death of my Grandma Kudearoff they were faced with the truth of this cold world. They all had trauma bonds with their Mom, but that was the closest thing to love they ever knew. Their worlds collapsed before their eyes. Now I have to take into account that my Dad and Aunt L started warring on them after my Grandma’s death, but still they felt a brutal truth that awakened them in some way. Who was my Grandma Kudearoff? She was so much more than just a housekeeper at the hospital, huh? This is why everyone knew her and she was such a people person. Going with her places was like going somewhere with a celebrity when I was little I just never really thought about it because it was my normal and all I have known. Kind of like when I was in Texas as a child, my Grandma Lippe used to introduce me as Donnie’s daughter rather than Nicole.
Okay so I went off on a tangent again, but let me continue with death. When I was facing death something happened that is hard to explain. I got clarity. It was not from within, but rather an outside force. I know that sounds cheesy and new agey, but me and words you know. I really do not know why I wanted to live, this world has never been kind or pleasant for me, but I just wanted to live. The world changed for me though, or maybe it was just the brainwashed reality we all live in that changed. Honestly, my only conscious train of thought was I did not want my dogs to be left behind without anyone to love and care for them. I had adopted them and promised to care for them. The worst thing I could have done was abandon them. Letting them feel the harshness of the world and futility of most people’s words.
People used to stay in their own race. I am not saying this is right or wrong, but it is how it had always been mostly in history. At least until my Mom’s generation. My Mom and Dad united two different systems of power when they married. My Mom’s family was a matriarch and my Dad’s family was a patriarch. Both were dysfunctional in different ways. I did not spend much time with my Dad’s family because they lived in Texas, but I spent a great deal of time with my Grandma Kudearoff and my Mom’s family. My Dad’s family believed in appearances and my Mom’s family believed in making people feel good.
So I sat down here with the intent of explaining that we have to have faced some sort of physical and/or metaphorical death in order to understand the toxicity of the world, but more pieces started falling into place. One day I will overcome the way my mind works, but not today. The fragments are strong, but you all should be able to relate. You all are fragmented too. You understand things but logically stringing them together is hard, huh? Is this the poison, toxins, Autism, gut bacteria, or trauma? We are all fragmented.
Today the war I have been fighting my whole life made real sense for the first time too. This is merely a family conflict between me and my Dad. He has just taken it out on the world as well as me. But there is great hope in this realization. You know why? Because I have been taught to understand neurotypical brains/people my whole life, but no one has ever taken the time to understand my brain and how I work. (Fragment: But is my Dad even neurotypical because he is dyslexic just like my Brother. This could explain why he has so many things in the world backwards.)
The first rule to war is know thy enemy. Someone forgot the art of war.
P.S. Another point I meant to make is my Dad is close to death, so fingers crossed this will lead to a moment of truth for us all!