I Understand Now

Here I sit in Pearland, Texas on a couch watching Netflix and I understand now. I was a judgemental asshole most of my life because I was uninformed. I know what it is like to feel treated unfairly, but this is the first time I somewhat understand the extent of the situation. Before, I always thought there was a way out, an escape if you just tried hard enough. However, now that I have pushed that envelope to the edge I feel defeated.

I let you all down and I let myself down. I see it in the eyes of the people here. They are filled with shame, guilt, fear, and hopelessness. It hurts to see you all in so much pain. Especially, knowing that I did not understand the whole story as I have made you all feel bad over the past 95ish days, if not my whole lifetime. Now I understand why my Mom and Brother watch tv and disassociate so much, because I sat here and did that today and it felt good.

All the food is poisoned, the air is full of gas, and I feel out of control. This is the perfect storm to keep people controllable and small. This is why I felt imprisoned my whole life. In Sierra Vista, I may have been in a death camp, but I had such hope. It was the first time I felt like the one in control of my life. I knew I wasn’t subconsciously, but I felt more in control of my body than ever before.

Never in my life would I have thought this was how the world really is and I am sorry for being so judgmental.

Xoxo

Nicole

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