I learned so much about the war games, my Dad, white SS soldiers, and sales from Bill. You were my Karen of real estate, but in insurance. Throughout the years, I have learned that covert narcissists just can’t help, but give me the answers when I look at them blankly like I do not understand. Being underestimated by people lacking in emotional intelligence is my comfort zone.
So Bill’s Mother just died and he was going through great change. The dynamics changing on how he played his war games had something to do with why he thought he could further his position with my employment. However from a place of more power, he had to keep his distance because being covert with me was not as easy as he had intended. I can appreciate this, because it gave me perspective on why my Dad left me alone so much after my parents divorced. No one wants to play this game anymore. But they are the ones who not only started it, but created it. I have just adapted to the playing field before me.
Bill taught me how narcissists use people’s brains against them not only in sales, but in real life too. He told me about how he had his wife, before they were married, buy a house in just her name. This means he had created a trauma bond enough with her to have faith that she would be stuck with him for a lifetime. I can understand this, my Dad did this trauma bonding thing with my Mom and still does till this day. Sales is an amazing thing, but relationships should not be based on sales. That is what the adult industry is for, play/fake relationships.
Bill also had a military background. I still have not figured out the exact rules about the second born who are sent to the military, but I know enough to know it means something impactual. Both my parents were second born and military. Also, I understand that when you have a child at Westpoint or some fancy military elite school you are furthering your bloodline in some fancy way. So him and his wife are/were military and the fancy military school for their kid means they mean something.
Also, Bill taught me how much my family, but more specifically my Dad underestimates me. This is why no one has ever tried to get to know me and why he has sent so many stupid white boys after me. Dumber than a box of rocks most of them, because they have lead poisoning so badly to keep them manageable and in their reptilian brains. They have done this to my Brother too.
Seeing the other young boy at the office was an education on the entitlement my Brother and cousins feel. The girl there taught me I am naive to think I will be treated equally as a woman, because she was happy accepting crumbs and was so set on destroying me just to prove herself. But she does not fit the cookie cutter image the white men expect out of women, so she has already been written off. All she really did was tell me a lot like that I just need to be seen and that not everyone knows I am alive Still! And that my love of travel is breaking the “rules”. And that I am really good at sales. Those two almost felt like prisoners just as much I do.
My bloodline runs extremely thin. If I have to turn to the dark side and use my evil side, why not use it to improve the world? I don’t know if my cousin Scott would be much better as a leader, but I do know that my Brother will hurt people for sport just as my parents. I have always tried to be kind to him because they messed with him in different ways than they did with me and I saw him struggle. But now I realize he chose them a long time ago and has been poisoning me himself since grade school. I was part of his training. So I can see and acknowledge others pain, but no one seems to acknowledge mine.
I have endured 40 years of this bullshit and I am fucking tired of it. My parents raised me to be a serial killer, but there is only one person I need to take with me to kill my bloodline. And if they keep me in a position of nothing to loose I am probably going to break and get evil. But this is what they have always wanted, right?
I want to sell insurance and real estate, be gifted with Mr. Utah if he is okay with being mine, and to eat clean food. No one can overtly hurt me. You all created this game, I just took notes and learned how to play it. Nothing is scarier than a serial killer with self control, but how much longer will I keep my self control? Especially when pumped full of poisons that spike my cortisol. Seems like you all are asking for me to just loose it. Why would I not want to take everything you all have worked to rebuild at my expense with me? Do you think I forgive you all for what you have done? What do you think I am going to do with my rage if I do not channel it to move me forward in life? My destiny is to make the world a better place one way or another. Self defense is something I am going to partake in now.
Genius can be amazing when it is controlled and directed.
P.S. Did Aunt Lee and Dad just have sex or did they have an ongoing affair?
P.S.S. You know my Dad is the one who taught me to embrace abortion, when he got me pregnant in high school. Are there “rules” against this?
I sat here for a good twenty minutes thinking about whether or not to publish this post. But the thing is my family cult aka my Dad watches as I write so there is really no going back. And why would it be wrong for me to fight back finally?