Integrating My Past, Present, & Future

Here I sit in Oregon at my Mom’s house, in the same house where I grew up. After living my life as an underachieving failure, running for my life from countless cult members, and finding out who my family and I am, I am tired and emotionally overwhelmed. No one will honor my truth overtly, but they look at me with so much intrigue, shock, and wonder. I may not understand who I am completely to people, but I know I am more than they ever expected.

The love of my life is my dog Haywood. He has shown me everything that people are supposed to be and yet are unable to be towards me. My birthright to me just means that humans cannot treat me humanely and my family will forever view me as less than. No wonder I have felt cursed my whole life. I keep wondering if other people feel this way. Are there others out there like me? I have given up on this notion, but my heart still earns to believe there are others out there.

Where do I go now? How do I move forward knowing all I know? People may have an idea of me, but they do not know me, not even my family. I have survived against all odds and now is time for me to live my destiny. My destiny is to be happy and contribute to society in a way that gets me paid. Working is something that has always driven me to move forward in life and provided me a sense of community, accomplishment, and happiness.

Traditional happiness is not in the cards for me. Never will I be able to partake in romantic love, even though it was sold greatly to me. No one can love someone who becomes a powerful possession and/or weapon when in their hands. I am human, but other humans have a hard time seeing past my birthright and inability to follow the rules of my situation.


Nicole Graves

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