January 11-Insurance Interview and Going Back To Oregon Rambles

I know I have been really chatty today, but it is a fasting day and they gassed me really bad with E and I have given up You Tube for the most part. I am bored. This is what they have done to me most of my life, tried to bore me to death. This is how I found the quantum field in that dark room at my Mom’s house.

Anyways, I emailed the guy I am supposed to work for when I go back to Oregon. And I have an interview on Thursday, which means I will have to shower finally. Which is good and bad. Social norms are how they destroy me more, but it is what it is. And I am dirty and need to get clean. But point of the story. I felt the insurance guy’s cortisol and anxiety. My Brother keeps telling me that no one will stick up for me or help me and you all will listen to him. But what right does he have to boss you all? Sure he is my Father’s son, but I am my Father’s daughter. A birthright is meaningless if you get to choose the child you want to have it decades after their birth. That is not a birthright, I am not quite sure what that is other than favoritism.

So what do you all think? Do you all think I will get to go back to Oregon and work and not be destroyed at work and maybe even have a decent shot at success? I sure hope so. Out of all the people at the office that I met so far, the one that makes me the most worried is the lady that answers the phones. Her epigenetics scream “I will destroy you for privilege.” I am still not sure how to deal with those people. I mean sure I want to murder them, but they are not worth going to jail over. I just don’t understand how you all can be so talked into destruction, but I suppose you all wonder why I could never be talked into destruction. It seems like the easy way to save yourself, right? I suppose it does sound easy but it takes a toll on your body, mind, spirit, etc.

I finally called and paid the tolls that I missed from when I was in Texas last summer. There were no late fees or interest or anything. You gotta love Texas! I struggled to call and pay my credit card today and my Brother messed with my phone call so I had to get out of my car and go closer to the planet fitness. He did not want me to pay my Texas tolls either. I just want to be a responsible adult and do all the things I am supposed to. It is nice to just be normal and ordinary, but they make being oridinary and normal so hard for me. Showering will be such a struggle. I will have to do it hours early so that the E from the water wears off. I have been high on E for years now, maybe since I was about 25ish. It feels like forever. Luckily, I have learned how to function most of the time on it. It still makes me nervous though. I worry I will not be able to be enough or try hard enough to overcome all the struggles. I keep telling myself, they have tried to destroy you for a lifetime a few more months will not kill you, literally. But I can’t say I don’t worry about how difficult they will make it. I sure hope that you all will stick up for me, but a part of me doubts you all. I am starting to wonder if you all even care about humanity or the rules. How could you all just sit back and watch my whole life if the rules really counted? Did Kris and Brenda count more because they were all white? I am a mutt of the war games, but then again so is my Dad and Brother. I do not understand what motivates you all. The kids who surround me tonight have been so brainwashed about right and wrong it is amazing they can tie their shoes. I know that sounds really mean, but I do not know how to relate to them. I have had more than most of them will ever have and I have given it up because it was not real and it did not make me happy. These kids do not know love in their epigenetics and they aren’t Aryans. They are just disabled by their inability to love. And they have never received love. How could you all of not loved your children? Children are made to be loved. I understand the war games are a life and death game, but not knowing love makes these kids tools of destruction. They don’t know any better because they were never shown better. I want to be mad at them, but I can’t because they weren’t shown better. They are doing to the world what was done to them. And maybe that is what I was supposed to do too. But it is not right. These kids need to know better to do better, and I don’t know how to show them better. How do you show someone love who has never known love? With my dogs it was easy. They knew I was special, but there is always that moment when they are like okay this is my Mom and she is different and in for the long run. With Haywood he knew I loved him and we were best friends, but he did not know how much I loved him till we took a trip to the Oregon coast. He ran away from me not on leash on the side of a busy road and a car was coming. A1 and I were trying to get him to come back, but he was being stubborn and wouldn’t listen. The car got so close and it was like an out of body experience when I let out this cry/scream that sounded like my heart shattering right there in that very moment. I had never experienced any kind of fear or pain like that before in my life and Haywood felt it. He came right back and ever since them he hears me. Sure he does not always listen, but when he hears me get anxious when I am looking for him he comes because he remembers I am that crazy lady that breaks when he is in danger. That is the moment I became his Mom and not just his friend. I will never forget that moment. A1 was so I don’t know the word, but he was so excited to know how much Haywood meant to me and he probably warred on Haywood harder after that. Haywood has paid greatly for me loving him so much.

With Teka it took longer to have that moment because she was 8.5 when I got her and it was really hard years in my life and she had had a tough life. But in Arizona I was holding her in a towel when she was sick. She was really sick I do not remember why, but I was holding her comforting her in the living room. She poohed on me and the towel and I did not freak out I just kept telling her it will be okay. When we lived in Las Vegas I would always yell at her for having accidents, when in actuality the accidents were because the house was so poisoned I just did not understand what was happening. I was a bad Mom to her when I got her because they were killing me. But I promised myself I would do better because she deserved better and I deserved better. So I just kept trying to do better and it was far from overnight, but that day in ARizona when she poohed on me I realized I had done better and she trusted me and knew how much I loved her. I felt her cortisol spike and she got rigged but when i told her it would be okay she relaxed again. Love is magical and it is forgiving. Love is so special. Love is worth working for. I worked really hard on loving Teka and making up for her hard life before I got her and the hard life she had when I got her too. Time heals all wounds though.

These kids tonight at the Planet Fitness have never had anyone work to love them. So they do not know how to love themselves. They do not know that it is a job you just keep doing and doing and then one day it all pays off. They like to make themselves feel important rather than actually be important. You have to know yourself to be important. You just have to pretend to act important. It is a simple equation of taking the easy way out. To learn how you are important takes a lot of time, but it is more than worth it. How can you all explain this to them when maybe you have never taken the time to get to know yourself? How can you tell them they are worth loving when you have never taken the time to love them yourself? Being a good person takes a lot of time. But it is the most rewarding experiences you will ever have. It makes everything else in your life brighter.

So yeah, how am I going to get an even playing field? My Brother wants me to think that nothing has changed. And the cortisol response from the insurance guy email was intense, I don’t know if he believes that anything will change. How can you all help me with anything if you all do not hold my Brother accountable? How can you expect me to do anything when you do not expect people to be humane? How can you expect people to be humane when you have not shown your children humanity?

I am scared to go home to Oregon, because trying hurts. Sitting here in the same clothes for a month, fasting, and being bored to death is easy in comparison to trying and not being treated humanely. I want so badly for my Mom to be able to be good to me and I will never know if she has that in her until my Brother is held accountable. If I have to wait for my Brother to be held accountable until after I get married, I will not be able to choose the best partner because life will stress me out and I will get sad. I want to be able to make an educated decision when it comes to all of our futures. The best way you all can help me with that is accountability. Make people be accountable for the crimes against the war games rules they commit. Ideally, I would like people to be accountable for all their crimes against humanity, but knowing who my great grandfather is that is highly unlikely. So, if the best you all can do is live by your war games rules, at least make people adhear to those rules. Without ethics, morals, and rules of conduct we are merely animals. Help me by doing better with what you have. You live by the war games, so make people follow those rules. Accountability is a super power. Maybe you all need to be accountable for the way the 90s children turned out too. If they had known love they would know better and be able to do better.

~Nicole

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