Mind Dump & Nicole News #2

Good Morning my revolutionary people! Day #141 🙂

Well, it has been another long week of daily attempted murder, but here we are surviving and working our way to thriving. I have been studying for my Oregon insurance licensing test. After getting my Arizona real estate license last year, I am getting good at these tests. But boy oh boy will I be glad when I have passed and this is the past. Studying while being poisoned is hard, but something you would think I would be used to after my whole life. When I was in grade school(first or second grade) and they tested us kids for the gifted program my Mom poisoned me beyond belief during this time period.

My Mom has been trying to kill my gut bacteria and make me self destruct since before my birth. It is weird spending so much time with her. I enjoy seeing her have time and relax, now that she is newly retired. Also, now I understand more of why she did not try to accomplish more in the real world after my parents divorced. Our family cult did all the things they are doing to me to her, just in different ways. Everything for people like me is more complex and takes more time because you have to find the right foot work to get around the crazy. For instance, the internet is not a place that allows for time saving accessability for me. I had to find the testing centers phone number and schedule my exam by phone so I could take it in person, but first I had to write an email to the testing corporation to get the information I was seeking because limiting my access to information is the name of their game(but they did let me send the email and this is something that was impossible for most of this year).

Fun fact: Not using online banking on all my accounts is what has helped me survive this adventure/ordeal. Anything you look at on your computer is fair game for my family cult, but they still do not seem to be overt enough to open mail. It is a federal offense, but that does not stop them from hacking wi-fi, even bank wi-fi like the Del Norte Credit Union in Santa Fe. The less you use modern technology, the less access they have to you and your information. But who knows, maybe they don’t pick on you all as much. But judging by your fatty livers they do, they just have gotten you all to put up with it and play dead. I get it. I have started drinking the poisoned water as if it is the only choice. It is better for me to drink the poisoned water now and focus on the big picture, than it is to freak out about the water. What are you all focusing on while you play dead?

One of my neighbors looked at me this week and I don’t know if we made eye contact, but I saw his heart and soul. It was really painful and yet heartwarming. There are a lot of people like me in my generation. Most of us are just scared to speak up because we know our parents are capable of murder. Most of us have watched our parents kill. We know their “love” will not stop them from destroying us. So, is it really even love or is it hate? How are we supposed to differentiate when love feels like hate and always ends up destroying us? Can love even really exist in this world? I know from seeing my people along my adventures that we do know love. However, my Truman Show in Oregon makes me doubt the existance of love way more often than I would like to admit. But this is what I need in this moment to reach my goals.

I have seen the way the white people look at me with fear, guilt, and a cortisol response. It makes me want to look behind me and go where is the lion that is chasing us. Then I look back at them and realize they are looking at me like I am the lion that is chasing them. When did I become a predator? I am just trying to live my life. You know if I knew the rules this would be a lot easier on all of us. I have been keeping to myself and hanging out with my Mom because my family cult will use whoever I am near to complicate my life and harm me and emotionally abuse me if I allow them close enough to have the opportunity. People are not allowed to emotionally connect with me and be genuine. Either that or the whole world has forgotten how. It may be a bit of both!

So yeah, here I am doing my fancy footwork and trying to go back to being a normal person who can blend in and care about what I look like. It seems dumb to worry about my looks, but you all are so very shallow. I knew this and it is part of why I have fake boobs. Being attractive means when people look at me and I am done up, I create a dopamine response in their brains. The fake boobs give me another 30 to 60 seconds of time before people will look away or before they decide not to buy what I am selling. Funny, this is probably why I enjoy working on the phones even though I have gone to such large extents to be visually appealing to you all. One day I want to connect with a human without having my family cult or my looks be the determining factors. One day.

Please do your gossiping. One day I will need to pick a partner in life and I need for people to know what that will entail without me having to explain and sound like a crazy person. I am unsure if I will find this person in Oregon or if I will find them while traveling. But there is freewill and I have been pushing my freewill to find the limits. Comfort is how they kill you, stay out of your comfort zone as much as possible.

Comfort kills. Love Always

Nicole Graves

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