They gassed me with something that made me feel evil yesterday. I remember it from childhood and from when I was with A1. It’s the same gas they use on my Brother in his bedroom. This is just another example of why you can’t trust your emotions. Emotions can be manipulated and they can lie. They can be created and be fake. You are not your emotions. However if you let your emotions dictate the actions you take you give them power over you and then anyone who can emotionally manipulate you has power over you. My family and the war games have spent countless resources on learning how to emotionally manipulate people. So it’s best just to take emotions with a grain of salt and wait things out. The poisons pass and so do feelings.
Everything is still the same. I’m just not hungry for the blood of my enemies. But I’m not going to lie thinking about the blood of my enemies has enabled me to keep going at so many points in my life. Its human to see justice and revenge. My family always told me I was wrong when I voiced my desire for any kind of revenge. But denying any part of you is a dangerous endeavor. Once you deny one part you are in danger of denying all your parts. It’s okay to have thoughts and desires that feel wrong at times. Thoughts, desires, and emotions can be planted in you. However, it’s your choice to choose what you grow.
Yesterday I realized I have all the same evil in my Gene’s as my family. All the same evil. Yet, I have chosen to grow other things. With my epigenetics and my everyday life decisions I have made myself into a better person, a more evolved person. By choosing the path less traveled and denying my reptilian brain on countless occassions I have grown into something my family is not and probably never will be. It’s hard, it hurts, its completely unsatisfying most of the time, but then there are moments like today where I am so very grateful that I chose not to grow the evil and live there. What a dark place to live! However, I have visited that place on countless occassions. This is what my family and the war games do: they give you a preview of what life could be like and then you get to choose if you accept it. They want you to believe that you have to accept what they give you and accept learned helplessness. But it’s all a nocebo and a lie. You are in control of your reality and who you are. Never second guess your control over who you are. However its healthy to allow energy and feelings to flow through you. You can’t deny them and lent them up inside you because then they do become part of who you are. Let energy flow. Emotions are energy in motion. If you stop the flow that is when weird shit starts to happen and things get upside down. Be willing to say I change my mind or that was not me. Be willing to be wrong and human. Its embarrassing and hard, but it’s a part of the human experience.
So I will still be contacting A1 and Mr Utah, but I no longer am hoping for blood and guts. I hope we can change the world with peace and hope. However the realist in me still says a small handful is completely worth changing the world for generations to come. It’s not vicious if its logical. If its logical it usually is the right thing to do. There will always be some wiggle room and room for interpretation, but logic has rarely lead me astray. Emotions on the other hand have allowed me to take myself out back and get shot.
Emotions lie, never forget that.
Nicole D Graves