I drove back to Eugene from Redmond. My Dads professional cult were pretty vicious with the poisons. I’m not sure what I did. I always seem to have gone something with my family, but especially my Dad.
It was hard leaving Teka behind and hope, but I am okay. People want me to be broken, but I’m okay. Yes, I miss her. Yes, I love her so much. More than I ever imagined I could love. However, love means knowing your limitations and knowing when you are unable to fulfill the needs of another. I can’t control the actions of others, all I can do is control myself. With this control I have over myself I choose love and I choose God. Teka will love anyone who loves her even if they poison her greatly. Shes going to be just fine. She loved my Mom and my Brother. She will love anyone.
Back to the job hunt in Eugene. It’s annoying, but it is what it is. They block me from uploading my resume places so it’s a bit harder than needs to be, but it is what it is.
I cleaned up the room Haywood will stay in when I worked. It had fleas so badly. But I will go back tomorrow and spray it again. I put Diatomaceous earth food grade all over too, so that should help kill the fleas that survive the spray. I went overboard a bit, but it was necessary. Haywood deserves to be flea free. I will go get him more flea pills this week too.
I need to register my car on Oregon. However, Amber stole the payoff letter I needed from Wells Fargo to do so. I wonder what other mail they have stole. I’m going to need to get a po box again, but will I even get my mail at a po box? I will get one in city limits and then I can get a free library card. That’s something.
The next job I get I need to tough out. I know I say that every time, but its important. I need to get Haywood’s teeth fixed even though they will feed him too many antibiotics. And I just need to make some forward progress. I dont need much, but I would like to move towards my goals more.
Today is day #7 of fasting. My face looks like me again. I was going through pictures around June 1 when I was winning over Washington they got me so swollen. I looked so sick and like I was having autoimmune reactions. But now I know that’s just my heart failing along with my kidneys. I ate everyday in Washington too. When I eat everyday I start to die. I just can’t do that anymore. It’s hard, but when one meal a day is too much, it really makes a person wonder what kind of damage my internal organs must have. In Arizona I ate more than I have in a decade. I was starving but now I realize that was just my ph. And even then I mostly ate one meal a day, it was just a really big meal. I’m going to fast for as long as I can. I figure if I can do 30 days I may be able to reverse most of the damage to my body. But if I only make it 10 or 14 or more. I’m okay with that. I’m going to have to just eat raw meat for awhile and not everyday. I miss food, but they poison my food so much it makes my organs fail. They always have is what I learned this past week. I have had a bad heart since I was 6. So I can survive this, its literally what my life has been like. The skinnier I get the easier my heart will have to work to get blood to my body. I dont like being super skinny but its logical for me. It kept me alive for a long time.
I made attempts to reach the nation this past week. Especially the farmers and the Hispanic decision makers. I hope I reached the outside world. I have tried my whole life to escape my ztruman show and the professional cult. I suppose now is really not much different for me. Well, besides the living in my car part. I hope I reached the outside world. I hope so much. 489ish says of trying relentlessly for progress and here I sit just praying. I know I reached the Southern LA farmers, but that’s because I went to LA and connected with them. This communication hub I have in my head allows for me to connect with anyone I’m close to. However I have to have people far away know to tune in. I dont just show up on their news feed so to speak. I’m like a covert radio show only those in the know get to here. How am I supposed to know if they heard me or got my message? Everyone in the war games dropped out. How am I supposed to know the people took me seriously and are working on finding a solution for us all? I don’t know how. How has never been my strong suit. Why I can do all day.
I’m back in my favorite church parking lot in Eugene. I realized it’s a mormon church. They already belong to a cult so they aren’t interested in joining my Dad’s fully. They still poison me, but they love their God. That’s something I can fully respect and honor.
I realized today river road where Brenda used to live is a special kind of cult for my Dad he didn’t take it easy on those people at all. He broke them almost beyond repair. He has broken me like that over and over. It hurts I get it, but he never rebuilt me for destruction as he does to most people. I suppose I am lucky, but in actuality I just question everything. I question myself all the time. It’s not easy doing this, but after growing up like I did I have to in order to ensure my sanity and destiny. Everyone has always wanted to tell me who I am, what I like, what I need to do, etc. I hate being told things, absolutely fucking hate it. Who the fuck is anyone else to tell me what I need to do or who I am? Are they God? Do they have everything figured out in their life? I have never met anyone who has everything figured out. I dont think its possible. Look at my Dad, he has nothing figured out. So much so that he needs to brainwash others in order to feel alive. He doesn’t even love his children. We are just pawns in his cult games. In my eyes that’s the definition of weakness. To have human being who want to love you and be their own independent people, but you reject that for ultimate control over stranger in order to feel alive. It’s not even about love. It’s all about control. No wonder I have such control issues. I hate others being in control of my life. And yet here I am not in control of my own life still.
Things are going to work out though. I’m not sure when or how, but I know they will work out. I’m positive about this. The more holes I poke in my dads logic, the more people will think critically. I say what I say because I was one of them. I grew up a cult member. I dont say it without experience. I know how much it hurts to wake up. I have done it multiple times to differing degrees. It hurts. But you know what hurts more? Living a lie and thinking it’s real and it’s your fault for not achieving the things you desire. Life is painful when you think you are the reason behind your shortcomings but you can’t figure out what you are doing wrong. We are not doing anything wrong besides not trusting ourselves. Building self trust is the hardest thing after being in a cult. It starts with the little things. Do I really like carrot cake or would i rather have chocolate? Do I really like Doritos or would I rather have plain potato chips? Figuring who I am has been so much more than figuring out my birthrights. I’m not my birthrights. I’m that lady who likes chocolate cake and plain potato chips. I’m the lady who does better not eating every day even though she was told she needed to. I’m that lady that is relatively okay living in her car even though she was always controlled by worrying about having a home. I’m that lady that doesn’t really care what her clothes look like as long as they are comfortable and appropriate for the weather, even though I spend most of my life worrying about name brands.
My Dad had me so wrapped up in so many useless things. Dont get me wrong I miss structure and routine and my rituals and so many little things, like baths. I really miss baths. I miss zoning out and watching Netflix and smoking pot. When I was in Arizona I watched a Canadian TV show in Portuguese with captions because it held my attention. I love learning even when I’m relaxing. Learning is relaxing to me. Portuguese is a beautiful language and so close to Spanish. One day I’m going to get languages down. One day!
I miss food. I miss kombatcha. I miss fermenting food. I miss making bone broth. I miss all the things I used to do to be healthy. However this past week I realized my digestion is good. Sure I have C Diff and can’t drink soda without going pooh. But I can digest almost anything. My digestion is better than it ever has been. Being Keto and Carnivor and eating all kinds of ferments for years worked. However my heart is still a problem. My kidneys seem to be under control with raw garlic and ginger, but they still have some healing to do from the past couple months. My Washington trip they really hurt my organs. I understand it was a big moment in my revolution. I made progress I was never supposed to. This whole revolution I have made progress I was never supposed to. My whole life I have made progress I was never supposed to.
I just want some comfort in my life that doesn’t destroy me. I’m open to many different avenues except those that involve destruction. I have so much to offer the world. If I had a little comfort and could soothe my nervous system I could be of so much more value. This is me firing on a survival basis. I’m literally running for my life every day. I’m way better when I get to be human. And that’s what I fight for. I fight for my right to be human. I hope one day soon my dream comes true. I have lived in a war zone my whole life. I just want this war to win me my humanity back.
Nicole D Graves