Monday February 20th 2023 Moon in Pisces Sun in Pisces Journal Entry

Today would have been my Grandma Kudearoff’s 91st birthday. But they killed her about 33 years ago. She was a scary lady. She was under 5 feet tall but all the Kudearoffs were scared of her. I never spent time with her alone. I was scared of all people when I was young. I suppose I still am. My parents used to tell me that everyone was evil and way more evil than them. I suppose I should have listened to them. But throughout my life most people have been way more kind to me than my family. Although my boyfriends have always ended up to be like my family. More specifically they ended up to be like my Dad.

On days like today I wonder what my life would be like had my grandma Kudearoff lived longer. Or if she was still alive. I dont suppose it would have made my life too much different. I dont know if she would have gone along with never telling me what I am to you people. I was supposed to have 10 kids like her. I dont think she would have let me get out of that. She thought I was going to break when they started killing her. They made me fat around the time they told her she had cancer. She used to love to feed me all the foods that grow c diff. Pretty much all foods do grow c diff.

So my grandma Kudearoff is not the lady I remember really. She is the person who taught me love. But she loved me because of what I represent. And she had to be kind to me because I was leery of all people. If my parents were the way they were and they told me everyone else was worse, you can imagine how leery I was of people. I suppose even as a child I knew I was never safe.

I hope one day to be safe. But it’s not today. Today I am high on e poisons. The cars all day have been getting me. They have been constantly driving through the church parking lot. It’s not like I have anything to do today. I had a slurpee today when I drove out to see my grandma Kudearoff’s grave. Slurpees feed c diff. They have that sweet poison in them. Just like soda does. I never knew that until recently like the past year. But I rarely drank soda before this revolution. Even now I don’t drink soda. I learned it hurts my kidneys a lot. But a white slurpee was doable. Food coloring feeds c diff. White stuff is the safest way to go. Also today I had crackers instead of potato chips and I liked them. Gluten causes fatty liver but so does eating too much fat. So it’s a gamble. I just want to feel better. But crackers come in a big box and I cant keep food in the car without eating it. So it could be expensive. I already snacked today because I thought I might be able to do it. But my whole life I have never really been one to keep food in my house. It was always easier to just not have it and order out when I was hungry.

So what the hell am I going to do with the next month. After the first week of March my unemployment will run out so I can travel a bit if I want. I dont know if I really want to. I mean if course I love traveling but traveling while on this revolution is just running for my life. It’s not really traveling. When I’m in unfamiliar territory I am vulnerable. So I probably wont travel. It’s a good pipe dream though.

I dont know what to do or how to process what is happening. All I know is a bunch of people I never knew existed are trying to kill me for my Dad now. This has been an overwhelming theme throughout this revolution. I had never seen most groups of people before this revolution. I had never seen regular ordinary people before last winter in National city California. This revolution has allowed me to escape my Truman show enough here and there to see real people. I knew they existed but I had never seen them. I had been surrounded by my Dad’s cult my whole life. Even now my Dad preys on the people who have access to me. He has been preying on the church members since I have been parking in this parking lot. My Dad loves the Mormons. Well he loves stealing people away from my uncle Norm. I suppose they have a bit of a pissing match going on from the 1980s still.

So I’m probably going to sit here and eat the rest of my crackers so I don’t have any left for tomorrow and can fast without temptation. What do you suppose it will take for me to finish winning over the east side? What else do they need? Because we all need better, but we all have agreed to get better together. The east siders left fighting for my Dad have put themselves above the rest of us. They think they deserve better more than all of us. There definitely isn’t logic on that belief. But all too often beliefs aren’t logical. They are often emotional. So I hope everyone I gave orders to today has luck with the tasks I assigned. All hands on deck because this shit is for the birds. I’m tired of sitting in my jeep waiting for the world to change. It’s going to get cold and snow for the next couple days. I’m not looking forward to it. But fingers crossed this is the last winter I spend like this. You all are the ones who get to decide that though. So I hope you choose wisely for me. Because I can’t do this forever. Next month it will be 2 years. It’s really hard to just sit and wait for the world to change. Give it a try. I bet after 20 minutes you get bored. Now imagine what 2 years would be like. And then you can understand why I get so sad. I hope I get to see the world change soon. Because I dont have the patience to sit and wait much longer. I’m human I’m not a saint.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

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