Let me just write some stuff out so I can make sense of it all.
My Dad is a cult leader. This makes sense because I have been telling people I grew up in a cult for a couple decades now. However, I now realize that my Grandma Kudearoff was cult leader. This is why the people loved her so much. It’s why going places with her felt like she was a celebrity. It’s why there were so many flowers from so many people at her funeral. People loved her just like I did/do. She made people feel loved. My Dad is the one who wanted her gone because she was competition and because I loved her. I listened to her, but I would argue with my parents. If they all told me different things I would have believed my Grandma Kudearoff. She was like a God to me. She still kind of is if I’m honest with myself. Shes the only human live I have known and it was fake and manufactured but it made my brain react in ways that it was real. She was really good at making people feel loved. She didn’t buy people. They flocked to her because being in her presence felt good and put your soul at ease. Dont get me wrong she was a fiesty lady and when she was mad you best stay out the way and pray you were not the cause. However, she vented and yelled and let the emotions move through her and went back to her normal self. She could chew someone a new asshole and then turn to you and make you feel loved in her next breath. I’m sure that’s a cult leader thing. But she was good at it. I always thought the Kudearoffs were the cult I grew up in. And they were. After they killed my Grandma they were all lost. Now I realize its because my Dad decided to try to kill my Grandma shoes and take her place. This is why Aunt Lydia and Aunt Lana are the only ones who really survived my Grandmas death. Everyone else died with her, including me.
Now I realize my Dad is also a cult leader. He has is military army and his professional army. I was able to take his military army from him in a little over 6 months into this revolution. I didn’t know what I was doing. I was just trying to survive. I still am.
This week I learned of his professional army. These are the people who are not loyal to where they came from, but have epigenetics similar to the dark side. These people do not honor the covert war rules and/or the farmers. They have gone rogue. However, most of them have now dropped out of this war.
Today, I was greeted at Walmart getting lunch by people who have not committed great sins but who still lost after materialism and possessions. They have been kept small and never experienced having enough. But what is enough? There is never enough right?
My Dad doesn’t make people feel loved like my Grandma Kudearoff did. He controls people with money and their dreams. He gets them high on materialism and drunk on their dreams. He has done this to me my whole life. He even did this to me with magazine column years after I stopped talking to him. He made me feel like I had arrived and achieved greatness in something I loved. But in reality it was just another layer of my Truman show. I never saw real people till last winter in National City California by the border. At 40 years old after traveling the world I finally found real people at the Walmart Super Center in National City. It was only once and the first time I ended up there. But I saw them. I saw their pain. Here I was on a mission to stay alive, but these people had lived like me my whole life only they knew they were being destroyed. They were so far from drunk on their dreams it’s not even funny. They were beat down by the world. Yet they still got up everyday to survive. These people are the ones who make the world go round everyday. These are the people I am fighting for. These are my people because I have lived like them, only my prisons have looked at prettier and more socially acceptable. My prisons looked like privilege to most people.
The people left fighting this war and signing up to get drunk on their dreams dont understand it’s just another kind of prison. It looks better on the outside but it is so much darker on the inside. My Dad has no love to offer. All he will sell you is lies. I’m not going to lie, they are attractive lies and many people have spent their whole lives striving for these lies. But they are no good. A prison is a prison. He gives you privilege because you will get strung out on it. And like a heroin addict you will do anything for your next fix. This is why there are Autistic epigenetic triggers. These triggers allow for your brain to process dopamine differently and it allows for addiction. You are predestined on a biological level and gene level to be an addict. There is no way you can resist unless you consciously understand what is happening. Also these triggers allow for you to be more attached to material possessions than people. Autistic people love things. Have you seen a header house before? That’s autism and the fear of not having enough. Materialism and Autism go hand in hand.
Now let’s take into account the dyslexic epigenetic triggers. These make you creative brain based. Which means logical is hard for you. So not only do you have to fight to get out of your reptilian brain. Then you have to fight to get out of the right side of your brain and into the left side where logical thought occurs. Its war for you to get to logic. Being creative brain based means if you have an original thought it will most likely be about go to go about doing something. You never even thought to consider why you are doing this thing. You just want to figure out how.
Now do you all see how my Dad has set you all up to fail. He doesn’t love you. Just as he doesn’t love me or my Brother. To him we are all his ungrateful and unworthy children. He hates us and feels like we deserve to be his puppets.
Puppet mastery is not love. It’s not even kind. My Dad is using and destroying you all who are still signing up to fight this war, just like he has used and abused me and my Brother.
My Brother still lives in the bedroom I grew up in as a child. He still lives in the prison we were raised in. Does that sound like privilege to you? Does that sound like a dream come true? And then look at me, I have been running for my life ever since I left home as a teenager and dropped out of high school. I could never run far enough away.i never was able to escape. Once my Dad knows who you are, you will never be able to escape. So those dreams he promises to hand you all may look bright and shiny. But I promise they have hidden strings that are invisible but will always lead him back to you. Dont get caught up in the spiderweb of lies and drink on the dreams my Dad sells. They are love, they are a lie and it’s a trap. Beware and be aware.
Nicole D Graves