Moon in Taurus, Sun In Capricorn Journal Entry

Today, I came back to life. I have been playing dead in National City for over 5 weeks now. I did not know how to get to the people and I kind of gave up. To have adventured all the way down here and not be able to reach the people was heart breaking. I have all this information to share with the world and my whole life my family has held me back from sharing and connecting with people. My whole life I have been held back and isolated and still to this day they keep me small and manageable by limiting my contact with the outside world. I even stopped showering while in National City. I have worn the same clothes without washing them and not showered in 5 weeks ish. I spent Christmas in the Planet Fitness parking lot there. I spent Thanksgiving in the Planet Fitness parking lot in Torrance. I like it there I don’t know why. I have spent this whole year in my car/Jeep with my two dogs. Never in my life did I think my life would come to this. You all realize I did not know about the war games until April/May 2021 right? I was kept in the dark my whole life, all I knew was I was being destroyed and people have a tendency towards cluster b personality disorders. And they really enjoyed telling me who and what I am, when they were Gods and perfect. 2021 was such a mind fuck and so much to take in. In the middle of this adventure I went home to my Mom’s house and got my Oregon insurance license because I thought I could at least go back to work and be treated fairly, because it is a covert war right? Well, I was wrong. I got my insurance license, but the agent/broker I worked for gave me a “discount code” for the schooling that allowed me to study all the wrong things that were not on the test, but I still passed. Even though I was sleeping in a tent in my Mom’s backyard because her and my Brother were poisoning me so much I refused to sleep in my room and bed there. The job did not work out because “Allstate would not approve my license” is what they said and they would not tell me why they would not. I was selling real estate in Arizona before I quit my job in January because my boss was apart of the war games and abusing me while having a Dyslexic brain and not understanding sales. You know that is why most real estate agents suck is because they are experiencing the Dyslexic epigenetic trigger so badly because they are apart of the war games and normally born into them. They do not earn their position with skill they earn it with privilege from the war games. God that explained so much of my frustration from Arizona. People are so dumb there. The epigenetic triggers are awful there because I was so close to Texas and the Mexico border. I am really patient with people and I never knew I was a genius till 2021, but I just thought people were not trying. And in a way they aren’t because they are not taking care of their bodies and without your body being healthy your brain can’t work.

So, back to the point, I came back to life today. Because after I did not get my license approved with allstate I had another job interview in Springfield Oregon and I just was not ready to keep trying and getting no where. This is when I started my trip up and down the west coast to spread news and really get my revolution started. If they would have just let me work and earn decent money and have a somewhat good life this would have never been possible. Oh did I tell you that they also made everyone that I talked to not sign up for insurance with me. I had to close them in one phone call in order not to be set up to fail. And I learned how to do that. I am sure this is what I have to look forward to when I go back to work again too. Are there any rules against this because it sure is a bitch. I am great at sales, but closing every deal in one phone call is fucking rough and a bit much to ask of someone.

Ok so they have never let me have any success, that is why this revolution is taking place because I am at my wit’s end. I can only take so much. I can only know so much and not share it. I need to be allowed something and no one has ever been kind to me. No one likes me for me, they only like me for my birthrights that I just freaking figured out all the way this week. This week I finally realized why everyone my whole fucking life has been mean to me. Destroy me kind of mean. My dogs are my best friends and now I understand why. I have spent my whole life trying to figure out people. And people have always given me stupid covert hints about everything, but I have Asperger’s I am a literal person I do not understand covert messages most of the time. Especially when I am being poisoned greatly. So frustrating! I had lead poisoning most of my life. Not until ARizona and doing intense heavy metal cleansing where I stained my bed sheets purple did I realize I was a genius. My parents stole me from myself in every way possible. And this is the same thing they have done to you all too. Did you all know you are smarter than you know? Did you know that you are not as emotional as you think? You are amazing and I want to help you all find yourselves because I got pissed off and ran off to the desert and healed cancer and found myself only to realize we all have been stolen from ourselves. I am pissed off and I want you all to get mad with me to, because anger moves you forward in life it does not hold you back like sadness. Don’t get sad, get mad and let’s do something about it!

Okay back to the point again, I came back to life because I have an interview tomorrow for that same insurance company in Springfield Oregon. I told them last fall that I had a family issue I had to work on and they said they would contact me again at the beginning of the year and here we are at the beginning of the year. It is with an Aryan and his morally flexible ethnic friend. The receptionist will destroy me for privilege. Oh did I tell you at the first insurance job the others who worked there poisoned everything of my even my keyboard and my chair and headset. This is where I learned about dry fasting because they would poison my drinks by pretending to need to show me something on my computer when really they just wanted to invade my space. They were awful to me and I still succeeded enough that they had to find a shitty as excuse to keep me from succeeding. I won’t say the guys name or the others who work for him, but ewwwh you all know who you are and I will never forget who you are. If I was evil like you all I would be scared if I was you all. But I am a good person. I understand somewhat why you did what you did, but that does not make it right or acceptable. I don’t know what to do with people like you all because you all have made up my whole experience with people. You all are why I love my dogs and am not found of people. I suppose it is what it is. You all are being just as destroyed as me, you just thought you were doing the destruction.

I have a lot of built up rage when it comes to people, but I just try to channel it into moving me forward and figuring shit out. This is probably why I have figured so much stuff out. After I left that job I was fucking pissed because I try and try and then I do and I succeed and I get fucking no where. I have battled uphill my whole life and never gotten anywhere. I am just tired of it. But this anger has allowed me to figure out the destruction of the systems. I used my anger to make all of our lives better in the long run I hope.

Okay so interview tomorrow, it is a second interview. I rock at sales and I have the right answers and I am a genius so I do not know why they would not hire me. But how much am I going to have to climb uphill is the real question I want to ask? How much are they going to destroy me? It is cold in Oregon and I most likely will not be sleeping in my Mom’s house because my Brother lives there and somehow my birthrights do not count in my families house. My Mom has always destroyed me. She thinks if she destroys me now that will ensure my Brother does not torture her as much when he kills her. He was already starting on killing her when I started this adventure, but when I was in Oregon I got her to do healthy things with me and improve her health. He had paused on the killing her because he does not want me to inherit anything from my parents. That is what this is all about. He knows if I have money, I will be free to pursue something I desire. My whole life I have been kept from making my own money because they know I would get something I want. I have never gotten to obtain my goals. Did you know I have written two ebooks? Yep, they block those from being seen and bought. I just thought they were total flops, but this trip has made me realize how far they have gone to keep me small. It is not that I have not tried it is that I was never supposed to live let alone succeed. How many others out there are like me? How many others have been set up to fail? All of you, just to differing degrees.

I wrote a monthly magazine column for years because someone discovered my first blog when I was a strip club dancer. It was amazing within a month or two of being on facebook I manifested my dream. I have tried and done so many things I was never supposed to because of the internet. I love the internet. But even this year my Brother blocked my blog in so many ways, he finally put it back because he faced public shame for taking it down. It must be something that he can be held accountable for. I have been kept small in so many ways. I have tried my whole life to connect with the world and people. You all have been kept from me and have been my lifelong pursuit. And now that I finally found you all I have so much to share, so much!

But back to the point, back alive today, interview tomorrow. I just want to live a good life. And I am going to have to live in my car where it is cold because the air in my Mom’s house is poisoned greatly and so is my bed. I used to get hot flashes in the middle of the night when I lived there before and I finally understand why. So many things make sense now. So how hard am I going to have to try to get even playing ground. Aryans and their morally flexible ethnic friends do not play fair, because they are not held accountable. So should I even try, should I just hang out for as long as I possibly can down here and then go back to Oregon and get a job. I could last a month longer down here maybe longer. And then it will be warmer in Oregon by then. I could always just stop trying and get a minimum wage job. But you all know I have tried and done so much I deserve better than that. I love working, it lights up my brain and makes me so happy. My family has taken away anything I have ever loved and they take away work too. I have tried to get a job doing real estate in Arizona and i spent the first 3 months of the year going through different brokers and they all had the same dysfunctional feeling of my family and I could not understand it. I refuse to accept less than I deserve. We all deserve so much more. Aren’t you tired of accepting crumbs when you deserve the whole god damn cake? I sure know I am and I want it to be a gluten free cake too.

I am tired of being drugged because I have figured out their evil plans to enslave and take over the world with destruction. In my early twenties I got a book about the ingredients in processed foods and that is where it all started. My Mom looked at me with that fearful look of hers. She always knew I would figure things out, she is the only one who really knew how smart I was that is why she has poisoned me so much my whole life. Going vegetarian and not eating the food she prepared or my family prepared is what saved my life. Sure it is not a sustainable way to live, but it kept me alive and away from more poison. Now I am mostly carnivore to heal my autoimmune disease and cancer and build my body back up. Eating raw meat is how I survived all the poison the past year on this adventure. Eating mostly meat is how I have survived the past few years. I shopped at a Hispanic grocery store and ate all the gmo veggies and so I understand the destruction that is being dished out to the Hispanic people because I lived it. It was part of the reason I had cancer and autoimmune disease. Even when I lived in ARizona I shopped at the Hispanic grocery store when I was still eating some veggies, but when I stopped with the veggies is when I really started healing and feeling better. GMO are designed to kill us and keep us small. I know because I experienced it. My whole life my parents fed me things that were aimed at destroying me and you know what my favorite kind of food was a kid? Mexican food. I was never meant to have a good life or long life. I was just meant to breed so they could kill me. I have been treated as a farm animal my whole life, but farm animals get fed better food.

I am so tired of being destroyed and I hope and pray tomorrow goes well. Maybe I am mad because I have experienced so much lead poison in the past couple days since I really figured out my birthright. Or maybe I have just had enough. I have reached my limit. My life has been hard and I am just tired of it. Climbing uphill and getting no where is dumb and yet what I have done over and over. I do not know what I need to do to be treated fairly, but something has to give. I just want to work and be treated well. People will forever choose to destroy me for privilege. What are the rules on this? How many people get to destroy me over and over so that I break and kill myself and my Brother gets my birthright? Because that is not a birthright then, it is just favoritism. I understand the war games rules are not set up to be fair, but there has to be some sort of order to the way we act and if we are playing by the rules of birthrights, my birthrights are mine. I did not create them, but I have survived them year after year without understanding them. And now that I understand them I am even more pissed. How dare you all destroy me when it is against the rules to do so. Even in this messed up covert war it is against the rules to destroy someone like me so someone else can have what I have paid for over and over my whole life. What is the use of making me suffer so much if you all just want to take what is mine and I never get to utilize the birthrights I have paid so dearly for. Do you know how inhumane it is to have this many and powerful birthrights? It literally hurts all the time. You are alone all the time, your whole life, everyone wants to destroy you, no one is ever kind to you, and life is always hard. I have never benefited from being from my family or from the birthrights I have. Never. I have never experienced the privilege of the war games. I have never partook in the war games. I have only paid for these birthrights. My Brother has never paid like I have paid, he only has one birthright. Is there anyone else in the world with birthrights like mine? I would love to meet them and see what their experiences have been, because mine has been shitty and inhumane. No one deserves this much power, it hurts. It is not just or fair or safe. I never want my child to have more than one birthright at the most. It is just too much. Maybe two I am still not sure how they work all the way, but I know I do not want my child to suffer. The thought of handing this weight off to my child is scary. I don’t want my child to be weighed down like I was, at least I want to be honest with them and let them know what is happening. I probably have one of the most important birthrights in the world and I was kept in the dark.

My parents inserted a damn chip in my head to read my logical thoughts and they were careless enough to loose control over it. Otherwise I would not be talking to you all right now. Can you imagine how fucked up that feels? They implanted a chip in my head and lost control over who has access! Don’t get me wrong I am super grateful because it has allowed me contact with the outside world, but you get where I am coming from. These are the same person who wanted me to breed with a crack head literally to have the next leader of the dark side in my twenties. They make shitty decisions and they have my whole life. It is just one shit show after another and they never take fucking accountability for their reptilian brains. To have been raised to believe I was mentally ill when in reality I just saw through their bullshit is enough to make anyone want revenge, but I just want to live. Like really live live. I don’t know how it is going to be possible, but damnit I am going to live because after a lifetime of this shit I deserve to really have something of my own and a good life. People have tried to take advantage of me my whole life. I am so sick of people. But they were just following the lead my parents set. My parents are awful people, when you follow their lead you are damming yourself. Look at my Dad, he created the dam systems of destruction and they are killing him. He has colon cancer because the food systems are set up to empty your enzyme storage in your body and not allow you to digest all your food. He created the systems and he was not smart enough not to be destroyed by them. Where is the logic there? I mean come on. I know he does not want to die a painful death. He has been battling this for years now. Cancer hurts I know I have been there. But the fear of death is enough to do a lot of things. For me I got mad and I got motivated. I am not sure what my Dad has done. He has access to my thoughts so if he wanted to heal he could have done that. It is hard and it hurts but it is possible. His actions prove he is weak. My whole family is a bunch of weak bullies. They have always told me I am the weak one but the more I learn the more I realize just how much I have overcome. Sure I still want the love of my Mom, I think it is just natural. Or it may be that I crave oxytocin and your Mom is the first source of oxytocin in your life. I think that is it, I do love the oxytocin. Oxytocin can make autism improve. It makes a lot of things improve. So if you love your children you improve their epigenetics, shocking I know but it is science. I just realized the oxytocin thing is why I crave my Mom right now. That is kind of a hard pill to swallow. I suppose this means I have not been doing my visualizations enough lately. What a bitch. I have to viaualize being love to make my brain feel love because people have never loved me. It is a weird thing, but it works and I have learned a lot of tricks for surviving my life.

What do I need to say for you all to help me find a husband? I don’t need love, I have visualization. But I do need someone to help me change the world, so I can get a dam job and succeed. I just want to work and achieve something. I will spit out some kids and I will love them too. But the real motivator in my life is work. I love working and I just want to be successful. Love comes easy to me, but work has never come easy. I can nurture things because I know how I have always wanted to be treated. I am good at loving others. And I am good at working but I have never gotten to reap the rewards fully of either. I am willing to do that because I am a fucking go getter and I just want to go instead of spinning my wheels. And it seems like now that I understand my birthrights all the way I am going to need a husband in the life to get treated fairly. I am not too fond of sex, because it was used as a weapon against me my whole life. But I am good at love. I need someone patient and kind. But I need someone who is a go getter too and someone who wants to do good and change the world. I want someone who understands what makes them important, not just pretends to be important. People with reptilian brains pretend to be important because they do not know themselves. When you are stuck in your reptilian brain you do not have access to who you fully are, so you cannot know yourself. That is what is wrong with most of the world. They just need to calm down and sit with themselves and figure out who the hell they are. Stop being a reptile and use your brain. It is not rocket science just common sense. Until you know yourself no one else can. People can only meet you as deep as you have met yourself. I could go on and on with sayings.

I need a husband so I can live my dam life. Please help me find him, so I can help you all heal too. We all deserve for me to be able to share what I have learned from sitting alone my whole life. I have studied how to be a good person and I want to teach you all what I know. Plus, we need to take down the systems and create a world where destruction is the exception to the rule rather than the rule. Okay my hands hurt from passionately typing. I need to relax lol and let my cortisol go down. Please gossip because you all are my only chance at achieving anything I was destined for. There is so much more to me than I have ever been able to be.

Love Always

Nicole Graves

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