I felt sorry for myself today. Which is really out of character for me lately. The past few years I have learned a kind of gratitude that many people never achieve. Escaping death for over 3 decades does something to a person. But finding out you have cancer and running away further into the desert rather than seeking medical treatment or to see your family does something else to a person. I died in the desert, but it was a metaphorical death. Because in actuality I was born again, but for the first time I got to almost be the person I really am. Every time I am around other humans they ruin everything, but in the desert I stopped trying with people and allowed myself to feel out and be me. I don’t feel shame or sadness that much anymore. Emotions are just another tool my family uses to control us all.
However today I felt sad and sorry for myself. This whole past year has been like waking up from a nightmare only to realize it was really your life. It’s been pretty traumatic and I really haven’t had a chance to process it all or mourn. So today I mourned. I mostly mourned food and my basic human needs. Love was used as a weapon. My need for companionship was used as a weapon. My need to feel seen and be an individual was used as a weapon. And most of all food, water, and my need for clean air were used against me. So much so that I was deathly I’ll most of my life. And even to this day my humanity is used against me. I have given up everything but breathing, drinking water, eating, and my dogs. I have my humanity used against me at every chance possible still. However I’ve learned to not be human because it has always been a weapon used against me. If I allow my humanity to escape it will be the end of us all. Being so disciplined and self sufficient and independent is really hard. And honestly its really hard not to look at the people surrounding me as weak. They have every opportunity I have always wanted and they allow greed, jealousy, and laziness to dictate their lives. Granted I’m not allowed around people who value or fight for their potential. But the people who surround me represent the majority. The people who want to just get by with privilege and their birthrights. They would rather channel the person they were told they were supposed to be rather than actually being themselves. They have no clue who they are because they have bought the lies sold to them and started to embody them as their own. They never even fought to be themselves because that would have been too difficult. They even get to est food that doesn’t make their organs fail. They have so much privilege and they waste it by being carbon copies of other people. It makes me mad. I’m not jealous though because I would not give up knowing who I am for anything. If course I want to be able to eat food and not have it kill me, but I am not willing to trade who I am for clean food. I’m not for sale, no matter how much my family has tried to buy me. Im not for sale.
So I ate cake tonight. I had raw 73% ground beef that was extremely poisoned and I ate the low sodium gluten free potato chips that make my reproductive organs swell(read the warning label on the bag of great value chips) and I got super depressed because I was so hungry still and it wasn’t even that good because it was so poisoned. So I went to go get garlic raw garlic to kill my gut bacteria so I wasn’t hungry. The poisons allow for bad gut bugs to grow and that’s why I’m always hungry now. Only having raw garlic to eat and not having antifungal or binders makes it really hard to control my gut bugs when I’m always being poisoned. Especially at work, its 45 hours a week of being a sitting duck and just having to endure it.
Anyways I got cake, a big piece and it was amazing. Nothing fancy just white cake with strawberry filling and white frosting. It was epic. Carrot cake and all the “healthier” versions feed C Diff more. So eating plain white cake, french fries plain, and plain beans and cheese burritos is how you reduce C diff while still taking part in cooked food and carbs. I’m mourning cooked food. I can’t really believe how much the people at the Mexican food place on 15th and Willamette poisoned me. I saw the lady on Sunday have an orgasmic reaction in her brain to handing me my food and my feet and fingers swelled so badly after I ate and very quickly it was scary. How can people be like that. How can people not realize I’m a human. I’m not just a character in a virtual reality game they partake in occasionally. I live this virtual reality game that they visit and look at like a sport and or a hobby. This is my life. It’s not a game. They really are trying to kill me literally. Yet they believe they are good people. What kind of fucking good people kill other people for sport and privilege. What the fuck kind of world do these people live in because it’s not reality. My family does not live in reality, no matter how much they want to make me out to be the crazy one. You all are wrong for trying to kill people and thinking it doesn’t matter or count against you. I’m someone who has never tried to kill anyone and I never realized how revolutionary that is. I always just assumed it was how humanity is supposed to work. Because it is! And you all have been doing it all wrong your whole lives. I’m ashamed of you all. My family knows they aren’t good people and there is no hope for them. However, you all know better and you need to do better.
Then I was thinking about all the people I’ve known with swollen ankles. They are usually the people who cook for their families. Amber complains about her swollen ankles and they look super painful. Yet, all she would have to do is stop poisoning herself and her family and maybe fast a day or two and go carb fir a bit to get healing that could be long term if she made some life changes that support her health and heart. Why would someone not choose life and health? She says she wants to live to be 100. Yet actions say she wants to die soon. Why are people like this? Want to know the answer? Its conditioning. When dogs are submitted to pain in conditions that teach them they are helpless, they remain helpless even when put in a situation where they have control. We have been taught to accept helplessness and we accept destruction as the way it will always be and then we destroy others because we want them to feel the same pain we do. Why should they get to escape or avoid the destruction and pain. How dare they think they deserve better. This is how my family gets you all to commit great evils against the ones you claim to love and against others within your reach. Just like the girl at the drive through of the Mexican place. She had been destroyed so much it takes destruction for her to feel alive.
I don’t want anyone to have to experience what I have experienced my whole life. I understand you all’s illogical thought process and what has happened to you and the way your liver and kidney damage makes you fearful angry and anxious. But I just dont get how you all can leave your humanity behind. I mean I do because I hide my humanity from everyone including myself but that humanity is who I really am. I am human. And crimes against humanity are a crime against myself because I’m human.
So yeah I ate cake tonight and now I have leg cramps. Magnesium is not being absorbed as it should be in my body and this is one of the first signs of leaky gut. Granted I walked for an hour after eating the cake, but still leg cramps are not normal. So once again I am paying for my humanity. But why weee the cake was good. Who knows what I will eat Tomorrow or if I will eat, but tonight I felt good feeding my emotional soul. I refuse to live in fear of food. And I may even refuse to live without it. But I will live.
nicole D Graves