Woke up in Everett and finally got some really good sleep. It was overdue. Since being up in the Seattle area I have been kept up with lead poisons. I can do little sleep for a couple days, but I can’t do more than that. However I do logic equations when I don’t sleep so I have put together a lot of pieces over the past week.
I got frustrated yesterday about people not sharing information. This has been my biggest obstacle and pet pev this past year but also my whole life. People can’t say they believe in freedom of information and then withhold information. You can’t believe in potential and withhold information. But I suppose it’s a bad habit that may take some people a lifetime to break.
My new mission is to reach the Scandinavian fancy families. It took me so long to reach the farmers and fancy families in Oregon because I didn’t know where to look. I didn’t realize the fancy families were kept in the country to keep them isolated and small. I didn’t realize that the farmers were from fancy families. Well not until like last month or so. The fancy families around where I live in Eugene are kept on hwy 99. However, today my family was keeping me on and near hwy 99 by limiting my Google searches. It took me awhile to figure out. They care about the people in cities knowing about stuff but not as much as the people in small towns. And I guess even people from small towns travel on memorial day weekend.
So do the Scandinavian fancy families live in Washington or Canada? I’m guessing both. Because my Grandpa zgraves lived in Argentina until he died. He only came to visit me once in Oregon. I only saw him twice in my life and the second time he was dying in a hospital in Texas. Well, my Dsd and Mom had come to finish him off more like, but you know. Do all fancy families kill each other? This is something I really wonder. How is it family and live if you kill one another? I was raised to want to kill my mom. No one would be able to grow up like I did without fantasizing about killing their mom. However the idea of actually killing her myself ehhh I would rather not. I’m just not a murder kind of person. Sure in theory I like the idea of her being dead but killing people is wrong. Hurting people is wrong. I don’t understand how you get over the it being wrong part. I fantasized about stabbing my mom with a kitchen knife when I was 4 years old, but it’s wrong and I was scared I would kill her all the way. I literally had that exact train of thought as a 4 year old. How do so many people kill their family members? I just don’t understand. I saw my grandma Kudearoff beg for them to kill her because they were drawing it out and she was suffering in pain. I hope my brother does that to my mom. I just don’t want to be any part of it.
I rambled. So I looked up farms on Google and they seem to be on hwy 9. Fancy families don’t go to big cities much they stay out in the sticks. The only reason I have been in so many cities and so much is because I didn’t know about the war games so they couldn’t keep me as small as they wanted.
I spent the last year focusing on big cities but when I took one drive out on hwy 99 in eugene I changed my Truman show. The farmers in Oregon supported me by getting people to drop out of the war against me. I’m not sure who the farmers represent. In California most of the farmers I saw were south Americans. It’s hard to say what really is though and what is just my Truman show. And I suppose some south Americans are Republican just like some white people are Republicans and some are Democrats. Are any of the farmers really Democrats? That’s a good question. Yes, they are I saw some of them in southern California. When people value destruction that much their epigenetics tell tales. Plus the Republicans dropped out of this war against me last year.
So the question is will I be able to reach the Republican fancy families? Should I drive up hwy 9 tomorrow or should I wait till Monday or Tuesday? I don’t have much money left so this is my last push to try to reach people. I want so badly to create some kind of alliance so I don’t have to go back to Eugene. If I go back there it will be such a struggle to stay alive and save enough money to get out again. Shit getting a job is nearly impossible. I don’t want to go back they will kill me. Every time I make huge progress they try to kill me more. I’m just tired of it. I don’t know if you all have ever survived attempted murder for over 3 decades but it gets old even when you get good at it. Its draining. What a waste of energy. I could use that energy figuring out how to fix some of the negative epigenetic triggers we all experience. Healing the world interests me so much more than surviving attempted murder some more. It’s hard to put into words. I think only people from the not so fun fancy families understand. I’ve never been to a funeral for someone who wasn’t killed by their family. Do people really die from natural causes and real accidents? I really wonder these things!
So I suppose my hope will lead me to try on last attempt to reach the Scandinavian fancy families. I can’t believe that they know about me because my existence offers them a way out of so much that they have fought against. It took almost a year for me to reach the fancy families in Oregon so I have to believe I haven’t reached them yet. I suppose they are my last hope, just like I am their last hope. I need to know I tried. If I don’t try I will wonder for the whole time I’m in eugene. I gotta try. I need help changing the world. Someone has to want to help me. Someone has to see the value in what I am doing. Someone has to see that I have survived hell for over 3 decades to accomplish this. I always knew I had a big purpose but I would have never guessed it was this big. I never would have guessed I was fancy at all really. This is just all so weird. What I would love is just a job and to relax and not be revolutionary or survive daily attempted murder for a couple weeks. Then to be engaged to a Scandinavian and take my remote job on the road so I can continue to tell the people about the destruction. People deserve to know they are being destroyed. Why do other people not feel as strongly as I do about this? I don’t understand why destruction has been so normalized. It’s not right and yet everyone seems to accept it and accept learned helplessness over it as well. They need to cleanse their body learned helplessness is just an infection they need to get over. It’s so frustrating.
Good night and love always
Nicole D Graves