Last night, I had a lot of realizations. I have been through a lot this year and I really dont give myself enough credit or lead way. June and July were the hardest months of this whole adventure/revolution. My health failed almost as much as in March when Amber was trying to kill me. Ever since getting to Oregon I have been on a yoyo ov health and healing. My Mom trying to kill me with coffee, cream, salami, salt, etc was intense because it was all things I grew up eating and I didn’t understand what was happening. Again in March when I started eating cooked food Again I swelled up and didn’t understand what was happening. Especially when I gained almost 10lbs in a weekend. Who gains 10lbs in a weekend? Then the last couple months when I realized I can digest more things than I ever imagined. It hasn’t been the food, its been the poisons my whole life. I mean dont get me wrong there are a lot of foods I can’t or dont want to eat because of my c diff, but overall I have pretty amazing digestion.
Then on top of it all, I need to take into account the emotional ramifications of all these realizations and incidents. Emotionally it’s a lot. How many times has someone tried to kill you? How many people have told you they love and care for you just to get you to put your guard down so they can try to kill you? For me its been a lifetime of people. However now that I understand what is happening its different. Its almost harder in a way. To know the cruelty of the world first hand and to only have interacted with people who wish death on you is pretty heavy. I mean its always been like this, but now its different. Now people are more desperate because there is more on the line. I wonder if they get punished by my Dad for not killing me? I’m not sure how it works, but they act like their life is on the line. And in a way their way of life is on the line. Change is hard and we all resist changing at times.
So June and July were the hardest because I thought I had found a way out. The job at B and R Autowrecking was easy and so far from from rocket science and there was commission. This is why they were keeping me small and not teaching me the computer system. If I got on the phones I would have succeeded.
I was so focused on finding a way out I stressed myself out and got emotional. I had my eyes on the prize and I could see it within reach. However, there is no way out of this mess. Some things are just inevitable. The only option is to go through it. I can’t go around it. I just have to go through it. There is no avoiding any of this pain. I just need to endure it and allow it to make me stronger and wiser. It’s all a part of my birthrights. You can’t escape your destiny. So no more running or trying to outsmart my situation. Not only do I have to surrender, but now I need to accept what is. It’s not easy, but it’s the healthy and smart thing to do. Surrender and accept. My life will never go back to normal. But we all know my life was never normal. No matter how much I crave and wish to be ordinary, I will never be ordinary or normal. There is power in accepting what is.
Last night, I was able to get my hour walk in without being short of breath. When I started fasting, I lowered my garlic consumption, but the poisons increased. Garlic filters toxins out of your blood and supports your kidneys. The poisons were damaging my organs so much I couldn’t breath or walk. This is how I lived in Vegas for years when I was stuck in bed. Its almost all reversible with time. It’s just hurtful and reminds me that I am human and fragile just like the rest of you all.
My cold sore almost went away. My covid like treatment worked. I have seen people struggle with cold sores my whole life, especially my family. I always wondered why they didn’t fix them. I suppose it’s the learned helplessness and being taught to rely on medical professionals. I have never been able to rely on anyone, especially medical professionals. So maybe in a lot of ways I’m blessed.
Would you like to know how to stop cold sores? They are a virus just like covid. This is what I did:
- Took 6-7 garlic cloves throughout the day-make sure and chew them to activate the enzyme they contain
- Took 3 zinc pills spaced out
- Took 4 Vitamin D with K2 pills spaced out
- Ate a tiny piece of raw ginger
- Took a multi vitamin
- Put coconut oil on my lips multiple times through out the day
- Tried peppermint essential oil on lips once but didn’t like because it burned
Natural antivirals are the key to stopping a virus in its tracks. Its especially important to do this when it’s just starting. And why use chapstick or whatever you all use when you can use coconut oil which is an antiviral?
The garlic and Vitamin D and coconut oil are what helped the most. I even cheated and watched an hour of food videos last night, which spikes my insulin and feeds viruses. I’m addicted to figuring out this food puzzle. Dont get me wrong it’s a super bad habit. But there is a piece I’m missing somewhere that will allow the puzzle to come together. I dont understand how you all can eat all this stuff. I know it has to do with my overactive nervous system and huge C Diff infection, but there is something I am missing. If I can find this piece I may be able to talk some sense into you all.
Having my insulin spiked all the time this past year has made me more in my reptilian brain and emotions than I have been in awhile. Not having a job or many projects does not help. However, I’m learning a lot. Thinking about the past keeps you stuck in your reptilian brain. But when you think of dream of the future it’s your logical brain. It’s pretty magical. So if you are feeling down or stuck think about something you are looking forward to in the future. Not only will it get you out of your reptilian brain, but it will give you a hit of dopamine. Magical.
Last night as I was walking I was thinking about my life and the moments that made me happy. Love is the answer. Acceptance is the answer. When you accept someone for who they are and love them as they are because they are enough. That is the key to life and the human experience. People need to be enough and they need to be loved for who they are as they are. I was never enough for A1. I was never enough for my parents. My whole life I have never been enough for people. But you know who I was enough for? Ryan Traw. We were so very different. Night and day different. Yet I loved him because he was so different than me. And he accepted me quirks and all as I was. We worked completely different schedules. He worked a day job and I worked in the bars. Most nights I would text him as I was going to bed and he would be just getting up. However, we made it work.
When he would stay the night on workdays, I would stay up later and wonder around doing my projects, drinking wine, and smoking pot while listening to music. One of my favorite things to do was to make ganja treats. I really didn’t like them too much, but I loved how happy they made other people when I surprised them with them. So many nights while Ryan was sleeping I would make ganja treats and I would put them in sandwich baggies and put them in his shoes. If I put them on the counter he would not see them and leave them. So I put them in his shoes. This way one of the first things he started his day with was something that made him smile and made him happy. When he tried to put on his shoe and found treats he knew he was loved. When you start your day with love everything else is easier. Love is the answer even though we want to complicate it and make more than it needs to be. It’s just love. And love comes in so many forms and symbols. Making those treats were some of my favorite 2am moments. Being on stage didn’t compare to the grin I saw when he would say thank you. I have spent a lifetime with people listing after me, but rarely have i been loved. Love is when someone accepts you for who you are, quirks and all. Even if those quirks keep you up till 4am.
Today, my agenda is to go to planet fitness and do some skin care and shower before 7pm. I am super light headed and feel weird today, but I’m hoping I can really and get it done. Do the war games armies have access to all the cameras all over like my Dad? I wonder, because the people were limited at Walmart yesterday and it was even Friday. Planet Fitness is a place where they like to have people who are dying but dont realize it gang stalk ne. I almost feel sorry for some of them, but then I remember they are trying to kill me. So if the farmers and the armies can do whatever you do to make me safe while I go move my lymphatic system and work on my cancer, I would really appreciate it. Thank you.
Nicole D Graves