Saturday January 21st 2023 Moon in Aquarius Sun in Aquarius An Eerie Quiet

The world sure feels weird today. It’s an eerie uneasy quiet. I know this war will never be over for me, but I always have hope that I will get to live an ordinary life to some degree. I have never gotten to be ordinary. Ordinary is a dream come true after living on the front lines of this world war 3 my whole life.

Digestion is one of the most important things in life. Since the new year my digestion has been awful. I hadn’t really taken a good pooh since the new year. This is what having fancy birthrights is like. It’s like not pooping for weeks because you have a c diff infection that is so bad no only because you have asperger’s, but because you were feed antibiotics so frequently as a child that you have never experienced so many things other people take forgranted. Plus, the poisons have been so strong my c diff infection is flourishing like no other because my organs are failing. It feels pretty awful to have fancy birthrights. I know I’m not alone in these feelings. People with #2 birthrights are often treated like this. I just have #1 & #2 birthrights so I got the best of all the destruction.

In Spring 2022 when I got sick and almost killed I tried to buy aloe and vitamin C and coconut oil. I tried to get all the things that have helped me pooh for years. Not being able to pooh is something I have dealt with since before I can remember. I dont really remember going pop much as a kid. But I remember feeling bloated and like my tummy was in knots all the time. Anyways in the spring last year my Dad made the vitamin C fake. The aloe fake. And the coconut oil so alkaline it didn’t work. My whole life they have been trying to get my intestines to break and burst inside my body. My Dad has colon cancer because he has intestines like mine. Fancy birthrights have a large cost. My Mom wasn’t physically destroyed like me and my Dad as kids. She had good gut bacteria as a child. She just chose to torture me because she could, not because it was what had been done to her.

My point is last night I was looking up aloe and all the other things i miss from being human. I miss my vitamins. My Dad poisons my vitamins in the mail, at the stores, and has people break into my jeep when I walk Haywood to poison my vitamins with alkaline poisons so I dont absorb them. I have really had to dig deep to survive. I eat raw liver because I have been starving at a few points on this adventure. I eat raw liver with haywood outside in the Walmart parking lot and people walk by us and poison us. Even today that happened. How many of you all want to be fancy by birthrights now? It’s far from a delight. Being fancy has cost me everything. Including my body, my skin, my heart, and my little dog Teka. I wouldn’t wish these kinds of birthrighs on my worst enemy.

Back to my point, last night I had to find something to make me pooh that was common enough that my Dad couldn’t make it fake. I discovered apple juice while researching. Only in the past 6 months have I learned to eat sugar again. I was keto and carnivore in Arizona to heal my cancer and autoimmune diseases. I had been a vegetarian for almost two decades before that. Food has always been the biggest weapon used against me besides love. And I gave up on people in 2017. Since I have been alone food has been unimaginable. I never understood what was happening. I never understood why I was so sick all the time. The people who work at the grocery stores in southern Arizona almost killed me. However, self checkout and covid saved my life. I got so much better when I stopped letting people touch my food. I never had clean food ever till this adventure. I got clean meat in Garberville California for the first time in 2021. Never in my life had I had clean food before. I never understood or really knew that my organs have been failing my whole life. It’s a special kind of hell to live in a body that is your prison. I understand it because I lived it for most of my life. I was so sick most of the years I was in Vegas that I stayed home in bed most of the time. My whole life I have spent in bed when I wasn’t working. I was always tired. Not until I started eating raw meat did that feeling go away. It had started to go away when I started eating meat in Arizona. But it went fully away when I started eating raw meat. I dont know if I will ever be able to eat cooked meat again. Raw meat makes me feel good like I have never felt before. The meats are so poisoned now that I have had to switch to eating raw liver. In theory I should not be able to eat this every day. But I’m so alkaline that I dont absorb most of the nutrients so I have not even come close to meeting my nutritional needs. I’m alive because I have worked really hard to still be here. I did a 21 day fast this summer after Teka was kidnapped. That fast changed me in more ways than I fully understand or can explain. My reproductive organs are so much healthier than before. I had really bad pcos from the poisons. But my Dad really warred on my reproductive organs while I was in the desert. He sent me covert messages to get my uterus removed. But it didn’t work. It’s not healthy to remove organs from your body. But anyways I healed my reproductive organs while on this revolution. Now my periods are pretty regular and normal and over in about three days. Eating meat and parasite cleansing for years in the desert really helped. With all the sexual abuse from my childhood parasite cleansing really helped me feel normal again. If I ever really get normal. I’m beginning to question if my normal is even close to normal.

But long story apple juice made me pooh today. I dont remember when the last time I had apple juice was. But it worked and it wasn’t poisoned. If my Dad could have stopped me from poohing he would have. It’s funny that I look at getting to pooh as freedom. But this is a huge win for me. It means I’m not going to die soon or grow cancer in my colon or intestines. I understand you all probably take going pooh forgranted but its a revolutionary event for me. My Dad will destroy me in anyway possible. Even when I was going pooh he had people come in the bathroom and poison me so much it made my liver hurt pretty badly.

A couple days ago I ordered some l lysine off Amazon to help with everything I have to endure. I have a po box in eugene. And I’m hoping you all can make sure I get my package without it being poisoned. Me and Haywood need all the help we can get fighting our c diff infections. My poor boy has the shits because my Dad poisons the meats so much. Haywood had to pooh like 2 or three times while we were sleeping. He has been destroyed just as much as me just because he is mine and I love him. My Dad will do anything to hurt me. Its been like this my whole life. But they told me I had it good and I was the reason my life never got anywhere. I blamed myself my whole life. I never understood why I couldn’t get healthy or get a good job or make good money or have a secure life. I have always just been trying to be ordinary. I just want to pooh without having to really work for it. Nothing comes easy to me except learning. Learning and reading and studying are things I can do no problem. Because my whole life while I have been sick and stuck in bed I have surrounded myself with as much information as possible. I knew one day I would be able to free myself from my pain if I just found the right information. In the past two years, I have finally freed myself from a lot of emotional pain. I have also found the words to describe so much pain that I didn’t understand before. I felt it but I never understood it. I still really dont understand a lot of this. I just know I will work as hard as I have to in order to get the ordinary life of my dreams. I hate this imaginary game we all play because it has cost me everything. But I will play this stupid game if it gets me my ordinary life. I just want to explore my potential without people trying to kill and destroy me. I doubt I ever will have interest in a man because of all the abuse and pain I have endured because my family told me I would never be complete on my own. They told me I needed someone to take care of me. But really they needed me to allow someone close enough to kill me. I will have children for you all but I will not have sex with anyone. I dont know if I ever want to have sex again. Sex and love and food have been the biggest weapons in my life. Babies can be made at the doctors office. I’m not going to allow anyone to touch me for you all. I cannot promise or give that up for you all. Every hand that has ever touched me had the intent to destroy me. No one has ever been truly kind to me let alone loving. I dont like to think about these things or talk about them really. But I need you all to understand what my life has been like. I have been held hostage my whole life by different people who tried to steal me from my Dad so they could kill me or get me pregnant or both. I need you all to understand how much this has hurt. I dont know how to explain it, but its been really hard. I have been treated like a farm animal my whole life. If this is what being powerful feels like I never want to have power. I’m too human to live like this ever again.

I will play this stupid imaginary game for you all but I need you to understand I am doing this so I can have a normal ordinary life. I just need an ordinary life. I really deserve it. I dont want to be larger than life. I just want to be myself. So whatever you all can do to help me get this ordinary life of my dreams I will greatly appreciate. Because I deserve it. And you all deserve to be free too. I understand being held hostage because it’s all I know. Please help me get a better life for us all. Life has to be better than what I have experienced. I have read so many books. I know people are human. I just have never met a human person before. Please protect me so I can be human.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

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