Haywood hates people. He growls and bites. I never understood this until this revolution. I always tried to teach him to be nice to people. It was so confusing because he is such a lovebug with me when he feels good and his organs aren’t failing. He even loved going to doggy daycare and was always sweet and good to his sister Teka. I realized Haywood may be the only soul in the world who understands love is not supposed to hurt. When people poison him, he barks. He knows I would never poison him. He knows love because I have showed him love unconditionally. Even when he gets sick and bites because his organs are failing and he doesn’t understand what is happening. All he knows is people hurt him but try to make friends with him. And he doesn’t want or need friends who hurt him. He tried to teach me this for years. Haywood maybe the only soul in the world who understands real love. Teka didn’t come to us till she was 8.5 years old. She understood destruction and being hurt just as much as I do. She considered being destroyed a necessary requirement for getting love and attention. She didn’t care if people poisoned her. She just wanted to be loved. And she is dead now because I could never teach her to stay away from people. Old habits die hard or kill you.
The past two years of looking for jobs working for other people was a new experience for me. I have worked for myself most of my adult life. My Mom and everyone always raved about benefits. But if people were paid what they were worth they could provide for their own needs. Benefits are an example of how we are conditioned to seek fulfilling our needs outside of ourselves. Instead of being used to getting what we deserve and caring for our own needs. We are conditioned to accept subpar things that will never fulfill our true needs. This is how my Dad is creating a socialist society where no one gets their needs fulfilled but we all view it as normal and acceptable. When you cant fulfill your own needs it is easier to accept crumbs from someone else. Because what else are you going to do right?
Being self sufficient is how I have stayed alive. I have learned to fulfill all my needs on my own. This was a lifetime in the making. I saw my parents and all the other Kudearoffs pair up with someone to finish growing up. I thought this is what people did. But no one ever treated me right or fairly. No one ever even came close to fulfilling my needs. So I gave up on others fulfilling my needs. And this pissed my Dad off so greatly. He had so many people try to offer me crumbs and I was rarely even tempted. I have no desire to ever have sex with anyone. I thought sex was part of the price you had to pay to get your needs fulfilled. But no one ever followed through. This is why I ended up in the adult industry. And the adult industry saved my life. Because it taught me about equal exchange and getting something back and getting what you are worth. No one can undersell you but yourself. If you allow yourself to get shortchanged, it’s no ones fault but your own. We all have been conditioned to accept less than we are worth. But we all know better. But who’s fault is it that we don’t get what we deserve when we accept less than we know we are worth? It’s hurtful when you realize you are the reason your needs are not met on multiple levels. Fulfilling your own needs is the most empowering thing I have ever done. When you can provide all your own basic human needs nothing can really be taken from you. This is how I have been able to stay alive since 2017. I finally learned to stop accepting what is less than I deserve. Because people will shortchange you in an effort to control you and feel better about themselves. How many of you are in relationships where you know you are being shortchanged? How many of you are in relationships where you are being shortchanged because you know you can’t provide or fulfill your own basic needs? The systems my Dad has created only survive when you accept less than you are worth and deserve.
My Dad’s cult is a parasite. We can survive without it. But it cannot survive without us. My Dad’s cult is a parasite that piggybacks on other systems. He uses the military, the war games, our family units, professional industries, religion, etc. His cult does not have a place in the overt world. My uncle Norm’s cult has a place in the overt world. It has the mormon church. However, my Dad’s cult does not have a place in the overt world. It only survives if we continue to allow it to feed off the systems in our lives. It only survives if we continue to accept less than we deserve. But this means stepping up and learning how to fulfill your own needs. It’s hard to be self sufficient, but I promise it is the best feeling I have ever known. The little bit of potential I have experienced and know have come because I learned to take care of myself. I was never supposed to learn to take care of myself. I was never supposed to learn a lot of things. I didn’t drive until I was in my 30s. I got my license as a teenager but my Mom stole my car from me when she got me to sign over the title because I asked to park it at her house when I lost my license. My parents have stolen everything from me every chance they had. It took me till my late 30s and having cancer before I was fed up with being shortchanged by other people that I finally put my foot down and stopped accepting less than I deserve. I have been alone since then. But I cant imagine going back to being destroyed everyday by someone who claims to love me. That is the most painful feeling in the world. It goes against everything your insides scream at you. But learning to fulfill your own needs means going without a lot until you figure out how to get those needs fulfilled. I have not figured everything out. But I do know I would rather go with my needs not being met alone, than allow someone else to shortchange me ever again. We deserve to have our needs met. We never deserve to be shortchanged by anyone. No organization that says they will take care of you or no human who says they love you will ever have your best interest in mind more than yourself. You know what you deserve, but are you willing to stand up for yourself? Old habits die hard or they kill you. Look at what they did to Teka. She loved people and they destroyed and killed her. Are you going to let this happen to you too? Your fate is in your hands. I promise going without alone will forever be better than enduring destruction to be shortchanged.
Nicole D Graves