Have You Ever

Have you ever experienced someone committed to misunderstanding you? Have you ever experienced feeling like a round peg trying to be pushed into a square hole? Have you ever experienced these feelings/situations and had someone tell you not to be so uptight? Well, welcome to my world.

When I interviewed for my job, I was very upfront about NOT being neurotypical. Having Aspergers/Autism and being an INFJ means I am different. Not saying I am better just very different. However, people always assume that I am like them. Which I get because I impose my emotional spectrum on others too. However, my brain not functioning like others is why my family cult’s brainwashing did not work all the way on me.

I am different and this is something I have spent a large portion of my life fighting. In my 30s, I stopped fighting and accepted myself. Trying to be like a “normal” human is freaking exhausting and takes up so much of my energetic bandwidth. However, getting people to understand that acceptance works so much better than frustration and shame is even more difficult.

Aspergers/Autism, for me, means that I can feel other people feelings and bodies. I can feel their thoughts. Verbalizing anything and everything is something I have to work at extremely. Trying to explain things to people is hard, but it is even more frustrating to try explaining myself or my process to people who do not share in my reality(aka the rest of the world).

I do not know how or why I am good at sales, I just am. It is something that growing up in a covert cult has blessed me with. I have never met someone I could be real with 100 or even 50% of the time and feel like they get me. Yet, I can figure out and empathize with most people. Do you know how frustrating this is? Yet, it is my biggest asset professionally.

I grew up as an outsider in my family cult and in turn the world is committed to misunderstanding me. This is why I write and why I started blogging over a decade ago. I wish you all could experience what it is like to be me even for a day, because every time I go out into the world I am forced to experience the world of a neurotypical. Which honestly I am just beginning to think is a narcissistic world, lacking in empathy and understanding.

If you all could experience my world where fear is minimal, scarcity is rare, emotional spectrums are forever expanding, hope runs like a river through your soul and tomorrow is always a new day, I think some of you would realize I have more figured out than you all have ever given me credit for. Just because my process looks different and abstract and sometimes just plain ridiculous doesn’t mean I am less than. Proving myself to people is not really my style, but I do enjoy showing people who I am and that means it gets messy at times, because I am always making the most of a freaking ridiculously complicated brain, body, and life.


Nicole Graves