25 Signs A Person Is Toxic

After experiencing narcissistic abuse it is important to go no contact with all the toxic people in your life. Often it is difficult to tell who is toxic and who is not, because we are not used to having boundaries. A person does not need to have a full blown personality disorder to be toxic. Labeling people is not necessary, but identifying how they make you feel is.

Signs of a toxic person:

  • They like to be heard rather than listening to themselves-only through being heard can they access source energy
  • They are generally a negative person
  • They are judgmental
  • They use love as a weapon and manipulation tactic
  • They are selfish
  • They need to be right
  • They are surrounded by drama
  • They lie
  • They are always the victim
  • They never have a nice word to say about others
  • They take no responsibility for their own feelings
  • They do not apologize
  • They like to complain rather than finding solutions to their problems
  • They make you feel drained
  • They are inconsistent
  • They make you prove yourself to them
  • They are not supportive of what is important to you
  • They nitpick your successes and efforts
  • They regress with age rather than mature
  • They are manipulative
  • They are more interested in what you can give them rather than adding to your life
  • You dread spending time with them
  • You stoop to their level
  • You resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms
  • They make everything in life seem complex and difficult

Now that you are armed with knowledge, allow it to become wisdom and go no contact with the toxic people in your life.

Xoxo

Nicole Graves

Codependency, People Pleasing, & Addictions

Codependence, people pleasing, and addictions all stem from looking for happiness outside of ourselves. When you are raised to please others first, rather than yourself, life can be a slippery slope to navigate. Learning how to put yourself first is one of the most difficult steps in narcissistic abuse recovery, because it goes against the grain of how we were raised. Growing up with a narcissistic parent, or parents, you understood that your feelings did not matter and if you took a stand to express yourself you regretted it later, because it never turned out well.

Codependency or self-love deficit, as Ross Rosenburg puts it, is the tendency to not be authentic with yourself and/or others. As a child, you were never shown how to unconditionally love and honor yourself. Thus, you seek security and love from others. This pattern often repeats for a lifetime, until there is someone who uses this need for love against us. When the effort and lessons to finally unconditionally love ourselves are less pain and work than staying with someone else who gives us conditional love, only then do we address this issue.

People pleasing is merely an addiction to keeping the peace and getting approval. When you have a parent/parents that deny your emotional reality, you start to do this to yourself as a survival mechanism. This trait/addiction becomes deep-rooted into the person you believe yourself to be. However, in actuality, as a human being you are an emotional creature. Denying this reality is denying who you are as an individual. This leads to all kinds of addictions that may vary, but all stem from looking for comfort outside of yourself.

After a lifetime of not addressing or acknowledging your own feelings, keeping the peace, and looking for approval outside yourself, it is almost unheard of to not have developed some maladaptive coping mechanisms that have become addictions. Addressing these addictions is just as important as acknowledging your feelings. Addictions are not limited to drugs and alcohol, they can be anything from working out, shopping, sex, eating, playing video games, people pleasing, ect. What do you do when you feel lonely or depressed? Is it making you a better person or is it holding you back?

Being honest with yourself about addiction is one of the key components of narcissistic abuse recovery. If you cannot admit to having a problem or issue you will not be able to resolve it. This requires digging deep and looking at all aspects of your life and actions. What do you do over and over that hurts you? What do you do that makes you a better human? What do you do that you picked up from your original abuser? What is the motivation behind your actions that you take when on autopilot? Now is the time to ruthlessly question everything.

Xoxo

Nicole Graves

IG @Nicole_Graves_Kudearoff

Twitter @Now_Nizi

YouTube-Spilling the Tea Video

13 Signs Of Complex PTSD

Complex PTSD is one of the parting gifts of leaving narcissist abuse behind. It really is the gift that keeps on giving and many people do not understand how deep it’s effects run. Yes, you survived the abuse, but now you have to process it all and reprogram your brain and body to realize you are safe and worth love.

Growing up in a narcissistic family cult means I never knew what safe or love actually felt like. I had a weird obsession with the Holocaust as a child, because it was the only group of people I could relate to. I had prison guards, rather than parents, and felt like a prisoner of war. This is what separates PTSD from CPTSD. PTSD is an isolated incident and CPTSD is living on-going trauma.

I do not know if many people can understand what living a life of trauma feels like, but it is a corrosive experience that washes away your soul. Growing up as a prisoner of war made being in a romantic relationship with a narcissist seem like a cake walk. I stayed because even at its worse, it was still a hundred times better than the abuse I grew up with that I thought was love. When you are raised in a war zone an encounter with a terrorist is not really enough to make you see the red flags.

Even after being diagnosed with PTSD when I was 20, I still did not feel understood and/or resolution. I continued to downplayed my childhood abuse, because I had forgotten most of it. My brain was protecting me and I am very grateful. During this whole period of being diagnosed with PTSD and having a nervous breakdown, my BPD Mother was present enough to gaslight me and to get the information she needed to garner sympathy from everyone she could. Staying in contact with my BPD Mother added over a decade to my trauma and recovery. I spent over 15 years on anxiety medication continuing to think the problem was me and my inability to be resilient. This is why I write about narcissistic abuse and growing up in a narcissistic family cult.

Here are 13 signs you are suffering from CPTSD:

  • experienced childhood neglect
  • experienced other types of abuse early in life
  • experienced domestic abuse
  • experienced human trafficking
  • experienced being a prisoner of war
  • lived in a region affected by war
  • Difficulty regulating emotions, which can manifest as extreme anger, depression, suicidal thoughts, and quick swings from one to another
  • Losing memories of the trauma or reliving them
  • Dissociation, feeling detached from oneself
  • Changes in self-perception, including feeling totally different from other people and feeling ashamed or guilty
  • Challenges in relationships, including difficulty trusting others, seeking out a rescuer, or even seeking an abuser
  • Distorted perceptions of the perpetrator or abuser, which may include ascribing all the power to this person, becoming obsessed with him or her, or becoming preoccupied with revenge
  • Loss of a system of meanings, such as losing one’s core beliefs, values, religious faith, or hope in the world and other people

CPTSD does not have to rule your life. Healing is a process, but it is possible. Recovering from narcissistic abuse and CPTSD is one of the most rewarding and difficult experiences I have ever had. There is so much hope on the other side, start your journey today.

Xoxo

Nicole

(written FEBRUARY 20, 2019)

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So You Have Complex PTSD, Now What-6 Steps

Complex PTSD is not something that is well known, even in the mental health industry. This disorder plagues people who have encountered narcissistic abuse and trauma. If you do not learn to manage and minimize the symptoms associated with CPTSD you will be bound to a BPD like life. This was enough to scare me straight after experiencing the wrath of BPD trauma filled individuals my whole life. Recovery is the divider between personality disorders and survivors. Cluster b personality disorders stem from trauma, so you have seen your future if you choose to skip this step.

The journey to recovery is far from simple, but it is manageable if you break it down into steps. These are the steps that helped me make progress without overwhelming my body and mind with uncontrollable anxiety and igniting my fight or flight response. Your body and mind want to heal, you just have to give it the right tools.

  1. Arm yourself with knowledge about cluster b personality disorders-know thy enemy
  2. Identify your root wound and original abuser-you were groomed by someone in childhood to accept these kind of people and ignore the red flags
  3. Identify the toxic people in your life currently-find the red flags you have been ignoring and the people who make you feel uneasy, bad, guilty, unworthy, less-than, etc
  4. Go No Contact with all the toxic people in your life-use the Grey Rock technique when you cannot go No Contact
  5. Find a knowledgeable counselor, coach, or friend who is familiar with narcissistic abuse and recovery
  6. Let the healing journey begin and be patient with yourself-healing is not a linear process

The shock of realizing that your whole life has been preparing and grooming you to be a pawn for cluster b personality disorders to use is a heavy reality to swallow. However, feeling sorry for yourself will not help your healing journey or recovery. Realize you are human and this is apart of your evolution. The real tragedy would be to continue to live in the dark as a pawn for toxic people and become toxic yourself.

Xoxo

Nicole Graves

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Narcissistic Abuse Recovery-A Spiritual Revolution

Narcissists do not just abuse people, they wage an energetic war on our body, mind, spirit, and life force. Many people feel severing contact from all toxic people in their life is extreme and unnecessary. This is understandable, because it is a drastic measure and often includes cutting most people out of your life.

The fear of being alone is at the root of thinking no contact with all toxic people is extreme. Why in the world do you not deserve to have all healthy respectful people in your life? Is it because it would be a completely new paradigm? People who experience narcissistic abuse have experienced energetic warfare since before they can remember(and before their birth). When we are born to toxic people, who groom us to be in narcissistic abusive relationships as adults, we do not know what it is like to have a healthy energy body(Read How Narcissists Use Energetic Cords-Spiritual Warfare here).

Eckhart Tolle speaks often of how humans live out of their pain body. Well, healing your energetic body goes hand in hand with healing your pain body and becoming present in the moment. Most people have never experienced their own energy untainted by others. It takes months to remove all the energetic hooks and cords that have been inserted into our energetic body throughout our lifetime. Most people are completely unaware of the energy play that cluster b personalities use.

Without a connection to source energy, cluster b personality disorders are energetic vampires who are always in fear of energetically drowning. Thus, every time we interact with a toxic person our energetic body is injured. After a lifetime of having our life source energy stolen and siphoned, most people have no clue how powerful their own life force energy truly is.

When someone says they do not believe cutting all the toxic people out of their life is necessary for their recovery, they are basically saying they do not deserve all nontoxic interactions. We all deserve to be treated fairly and not be preyed upon. Until you can say this for yourself, you are not ready to recover.

Are you done being abused yet?

Xoxo

Nicole

Living Like A Grey Rock

Do you know what it is like to have never had a real conversation with anyone? I do. I break people when I fire on all cylinders, people can rarely handle the truth. This makes me not want to even try to communicate with anyone. It’s a waste of energy, because I never get what I truly seek out of it. I prefer to write/blog about my life, thoughts, and feelings. Rather than interact with people who will gaslight me.

“The grey rock method involves communicating in an uninteresting way when interacting with abusive or manipulative people. The name “grey rock” refers to how those using this approach become unresponsive, similar to a rock. The technique may involve: avoiding interactions with the abusive person.” https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock

I am sure this is how others with Asperger’s feel, too. It’s lonely to be so smart. No one really can keep up or even wants to try. It is easier to play dead like the others on the autism spectrum who lack verbal skills. They are smarter than most people give them credit for. Everyone on the Autism spectrum has more dynamic energy compared to neurotypicals.

We represent the exception to the rule and the fact that we are often in families with narcissists just adds to our lack of interest in forming relationships with others. In my experience, I have never not had to conform in order to create a lasting bond/relationship. Can you see how this could turn us off and make us not want to try?

One day, I hope you all try to meet us half way because we adapt to your neurotypical world everyday in countless ways.

Xoxo

Nicole

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201406/do-you-think-narcissism-autistic-spectrum-disorder