You Are NOT The Problem

Not only are the systems set up to make us all fail. They are set up to make us all feel like the reason we are failing. The systems gaslight us into believing that we are the problem and the reason for our own failure. They want you to be the scapegoat for the systems they have created.

Look at the education system. It is not set up to help people learn in the way their brains works, it is set up to make you conform to society and taking in information the way the world wants to give us information. It is not set up to let us learn about what comes natural to us, it is set up to make us learn about what they want us to know.

Look at the medical system. It is not set up to heal us, it is set up to destroy us. However, it makes you think your body is the dysfunctional one. “We don’t know why you are not responding to this, let’s try something else.” They know they are not set up or equipped to heal us and yet they do not tell us this. They make us feel like the problem. We come to them with our health problems and they do not have the solutions, however they rarely if ever come right out and say that. They even have candy dishes in cancer treatment offices. People are told that diet has nothing to do with their healing. “Let food be thy medicine.” Food has been known to be a huge factor in health for centuries, but we are being gaslight to believe the opposite.

Look at the diet industry/food system. Food is literally set up to make us all fail and gain disease. We are told we just need to eat less. We must be lazy and not motivated, but the food system is set up to make us small, manageable, and diseased. Calories in, calories out is preached at us our whole lives, but yet it is not working. Because if it was working there would not be such an obesity epidemic in our country/world. When people are given the correct information they can do better. However, misinformation surrounds us and drowns us making us feel like the problem.

The systems and my family cult want you to feel like you are the problem. You are the reason you are not able to succeed. However, they have set us all up to fail and they do not want to admit they are just enslaving you to the systems. If they admitted they were enslaving you to the systems that would empower you with the information need to escape.

So now that I have empowered you with the information you need to escape, what are you going to do about it?

Love Always

Nicole Graves

Oregon Revolutionary People-Bill Cavinee Always Insurance

My Oregon revolutionary people, I need your help. Remember this summer when I went back to Oregon and got an insurance license and job. Well, it was a pretty bad experience working for the dark side with daily attempted murder And I may have to go back and do it again in January. So, I am hoping you can help me show that there will be accountability to be had for destroying me in an overt manner for the covert war.

If you have your insurance with Always Insurance Bill Cavinee an Allstate agency, please call or email them to transfer it to another Allstate agent. You do not have to do anything or change anything, just change who you deal with and who receives payment for your insurance. Also, I would have your insurance looked over because it is always good to get another set of eyes on your policies.

Alone we are not that powerful, but when we work together we create waves.

Love Always & Thank You

Nicole Graves

Mr Utah, You Know Your People Are Next

Mr Utah,

I have seen more black people in the past week than I ever have in my life. And I have been trying to think about what to say to make you able to call off your army. You all are just one step above the Hispanic people and it is a very small step. You know there is a covert genocide against you all too right? It is just on a more covert level.

I do not have the internet as I write this so I am lacking in facts. But I know you know. Black people have higher rates of chronic disease, but especially diabetes and heart disease. Soul Food may not have as many nightshades as Mexican food, but it does have tons of chicken, pork, and fats that throw off Omega 6 to 3 ratios. These make you all prime targets for the epigenetic triggers of learning disabilities and chronic illness. My family cult is targeting you all to keep you all small and manageable by keeping you all from thinking for yourself just as the Hispanic people. Sure Hispanic food is more aimed at total destruction, but soul food and you all’s way of life is designed to keep you all small and manageable and enslaved. Just like how I found out I am a second class citizen on this trip merely because I am a woman, you all are second class citizens merely because of your race.

Black people and Hispanic people have very tough lives, just like I have had. And this is why you were able to see me, because you have experienced pain too. And you want to avoid more pain for your people by keeping them in this war. I get it, it makes sense in a conservative way because you do not want to loose the little privilege you all have. However, you all deserve so much more just like I do and the Hispanics do. We deserve to belong in a world where we are not viewed as second class citizens just because of who we are.

I cannot promise I will be able to do this alone, but I can promise that I am not going to be able to do this without your help. If you cannot overtly help me and marry me and protect me from my family, at least call off your people. Your people deserve more than the lives they have and the traditions that keep them small and manageable. Mac and cheese is just as bad as eating tacos(I am being super stereotypical I know). BBQ is a way to ruin meat from being healthyand double whammy if it is pork or chicken. (Fragment: They make Kingsford charcoal out my by Mom’s house, it’s destruction in the name of BBQ) Margarine, bacon grease, and vegetable oils are designed to make people sick. I love fattening food but it only is good for you when it is good quality saturated fats. Not made in a lab stuff that is designed to make people sick.

I really do not know what kind of food is not designed to kill us, rather than raw beef. But I am still alive. This is what you asked me when I talked to you for the first time in Santa Fe. I have stayed alive because I eat raw meat with my hands. Any kind of civility is just an opportunity to poison and kill me. Just like my family cult does to everyone, but especially your people. They destroy you, but tell you that you all do not have it as bad as the Hispanic people because you are allowed a seat at the table. Well, that seat at the table is a way to keep you manageable and kill you with civility.

Please help me and show your love to me and your people by exiting this war. Just because they let you sit at the table does not mean they respect you and/or want you there. They just know it is a means to keep you manageable and in control. Once the Hispanic genocide has been completed to satisfaction, you all will be next and you know it. I am you all’s last hope too. This is why you sought me out years ago.

I understand the war games make you have to put on airs and be someone you are not. Just like my life has made me have to be hard and have boundaries that aren’t really human. I have to prepare for people to destroy me the first chance they get and this is what you are doing. But please bet on me and choose me. I have done the unimaginable and with some help I will keep doing it because there is no other option.

Let your people choose me instead of destroy me. So we all can have better lives that do not involve suffering and being in pain(emtoinally, spiritually, and physically) everyday we are alive. Help me build a brighter future for us all because you know together me and you can be unstoppable. You are my Marc Anthony, it is our destiny to do this together.

Love Always and Forever

Nicole Graves

I Don’t Know The Rules So…

I don’t know the rules of this covert war and no one seems to be willing to inform me overtly of these rules. Therefore, I am free to do as I wish. How can I abide by rules I am not aware or informed of? Maybe Asperger’s is more of a blessing than I could have ever imagined. We may be at war covertly, but my brain only does overt realities and facts. Every time I try to talk about this covert war I experience gaslighting. So what am I supposed to do, live in fear of rules that no one will explain to me? Ha! That just sounds like an illogical bad deal.

My family has always been annoyed by my insistence that almost anything is possible with time and commitment. Perhaps, now I understand why they look at me with so much disdain. They live in a reality with limitations from the covert rules and are disgruntled that I do not live in the same reality. How exactly am I supposed to share in their reality if they don’t talk about it overtly? Mind reading? Yah, pretty much that is how we have gotten to this place. Well, that and the poisoning and daily attempted murder.

Today, I had a second interview for a sales position. My gps lead me to the wrong office building, but I was still able to find where I was meant to be. Does your gps lead you on wild goose chases when you are doing things my family cult views as a threat too? The office building off Coburg road lit up my lymphatic system when I went inside, the poisoning was strong. However, it was not as strong as the call center I worked at in Sierra Vista when I was just beginning to exercise my freewill to be independent. My family cult will try to stop and punish me, but the thing is they will do these things no matter what I do. It is just part of the loose loose situation that goes along with my birthright. They will forever torture me any way they covertly can, until I can buy myself out of many of the things society requires(aka social norms) again. It is what it is.

The lady who interviewed me today had swollen eyes and an extremely backed up lymphatic system, so they have been torturing and punishing her for awhile already. Biotin in large doses helps with the swollen eyes people. It helps fight the systemic candida infection the gases and poisons cause. Basically, my family cult will torture everyone any way they can whenever they feel like it because poor health and fear are what keep people manageable and small. This is something so many people who willingly and eagerly sign up to work with them forget.

Anytime anyone chooses freewill that does not benefit the socialist agenda they will be punished. Even if they are being motivated by capitalism and their own best interest. It is in the best interest of my family cult for you to remain small at all times and costs. You become a threat the moment you escape survival mode. Look at the members of my family, if they are so powerful why do they remain in survival mode? Why are they not thriving? Why are their cortisol levels so high they are causing other diseases in their bodies? Does that seem like success to you? Success does not create disease the last time I checked, but maybe there is a covert dictionary that I have missed out on as well.

Love Always

Nicole Graves

So You Have Complex PTSD, Now What-6 Steps

Complex PTSD is not something that is well known, even in the mental health industry. This disorder plagues people who have encountered narcissistic abuse and trauma. If you do not learn to manage and minimize the symptoms associated with CPTSD you will be bound to a BPD like life. This was enough to scare me straight after experiencing the wrath of BPD trauma filled individuals my whole life. Recovery is the divider between personality disorders and survivors. Cluster b personality disorders stem from trauma, so you have seen your future if you choose to skip this step.

The journey to recovery is far from simple, but it is manageable if you break it down into steps. These are the steps that helped me make progress without overwhelming my body and mind with uncontrollable anxiety and igniting my fight or flight response. Your body and mind want to heal, you just have to give it the right tools.

  1. Arm yourself with knowledge about cluster b personality disorders-know thy enemy
  2. Identify your root wound and original abuser-you were groomed by someone in childhood to accept these kind of people and ignore the red flags
  3. Identify the toxic people in your life currently-find the red flags you have been ignoring and the people who make you feel uneasy, bad, guilty, unworthy, less-than, etc
  4. Go No Contact with all the toxic people in your life-use the Grey Rock technique when you cannot go No Contact
  5. Find a knowledgeable counselor, coach, or friend who is familiar with narcissistic abuse and recovery
  6. Let the healing journey begin and be patient with yourself-healing is not a linear process

The shock of realizing that your whole life has been preparing and grooming you to be a pawn for cluster b personality disorders to use is a heavy reality to swallow. However, feeling sorry for yourself will not help your healing journey or recovery. Realize you are human and this is apart of your evolution. The real tragedy would be to continue to live in the dark as a pawn for toxic people and become toxic yourself.


Nicole Graves

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Narcissistic Abuse Recovery-A Spiritual Revolution

Narcissists do not just abuse people, they wage an energetic war on our body, mind, spirit, and life force. Many people feel severing contact from all toxic people in their life is extreme and unnecessary. This is understandable, because it is a drastic measure and often includes cutting most people out of your life.

The fear of being alone is at the root of thinking no contact with all toxic people is extreme. Why in the world do you not deserve to have all healthy respectful people in your life? Is it because it would be a completely new paradigm? People who experience narcissistic abuse have experienced energetic warfare since before they can remember(and before their birth). When we are born to toxic people, who groom us to be in narcissistic abusive relationships as adults, we do not know what it is like to have a healthy energy body(Read How Narcissists Use Energetic Cords-Spiritual Warfare here).

Eckhart Tolle speaks often of how humans live out of their pain body. Well, healing your energetic body goes hand in hand with healing your pain body and becoming present in the moment. Most people have never experienced their own energy untainted by others. It takes months to remove all the energetic hooks and cords that have been inserted into our energetic body throughout our lifetime. Most people are completely unaware of the energy play that cluster b personalities use.

Without a connection to source energy, cluster b personality disorders are energetic vampires who are always in fear of energetically drowning. Thus, every time we interact with a toxic person our energetic body is injured. After a lifetime of having our life source energy stolen and siphoned, most people have no clue how powerful their own life force energy truly is.

When someone says they do not believe cutting all the toxic people out of their life is necessary for their recovery, they are basically saying they do not deserve all nontoxic interactions. We all deserve to be treated fairly and not be preyed upon. Until you can say this for yourself, you are not ready to recover.

Are you done being abused yet?



Living Like A Grey Rock

Do you know what it is like to have never had a real conversation with anyone? I do. I break people when I fire on all cylinders, people can rarely handle the truth. This makes me not want to even try to communicate with anyone. It’s a waste of energy, because I never get what I truly seek out of it. I prefer to write/blog about my life, thoughts, and feelings. Rather than interact with people who will gaslight me.

“The grey rock method involves communicating in an uninteresting way when interacting with abusive or manipulative people. The name “grey rock” refers to how those using this approach become unresponsive, similar to a rock. The technique may involve: avoiding interactions with the abusive person.”

I am sure this is how others with Asperger’s feel, too. It’s lonely to be so smart. No one really can keep up or even wants to try. It is easier to play dead like the others on the autism spectrum who lack verbal skills. They are smarter than most people give them credit for. Everyone on the Autism spectrum has more dynamic energy compared to neurotypicals.

We represent the exception to the rule and the fact that we are often in families with narcissists just adds to our lack of interest in forming relationships with others. In my experience, I have never not had to conform in order to create a lasting bond/relationship. Can you see how this could turn us off and make us not want to try?

One day, I hope you all try to meet us half way because we adapt to your neurotypical world everyday in countless ways.



Parking At My Mom’s House

I have found a weird kind of safety parking at my Mom’s house. Her house is toxic and makes my liver hurt and most of her food is poisoned. But she is not to blame. She is living in her own Truman Show just as most of the women in our family. Luckily, I have always been the black sheep so she understands that I question everything. It is just who I have always been and she knows my favorite question has always been “Why?”

My thyroid/throat, chest, and liver hurt when I am in her house for a long period of time. All my binders and vitamins that have been in my Jeep have been poisoned. They give me the lead lips and angry feelings. I have not been this angry in a long time and after reading the past handful of blog posts I know you all can see it too. This is how I felt most of my life. I was a really angry and anxious person. It is so different than the person I have become since I left Oregon.

The cult leaders must have wrote me off as dead until I started speaking out about being on the Autism spectrum and being an INFJ and genius. Why are they so against me being me? It must threaten who they are and what they plan to do. Who else has questioned their mental state after watching content on TikTok? Did you grow up in a family that felt like a cult? Were the men in your family covert narcissists? And the women/Mothers BPD? I would love anyone who can relate to my story to comment and let me know I am not alone.



The Narcissist’s Flying Monkeys

Narcissists cannot survive without their enablers. Flying monkeys are people who turn a blind eye to red flags, blatant abuse, and the narcissist causing most issues rather than resolving them. These people are usually unaware of the abuse they are perpetuating and participating in, but ignorance does not make the damage they create heal faster.

Flying monkeys also play into narcissistic family cults. When narcissistic supply is not easily obtainable, a narcissist always has their family to fall back on. Narcissists rarely go no contact with their family of origin, even when there are highly dysfunctional members. Turning these dysfunctional family members into flying monkeys allows the narcissist to perpetuate abuse on their target whenever they choose. Family members in a narcissistic family cult are taught loyalty and blind devotion from a very young age, so these flying monkeys will normally last a lifetime.

Narcissists use flying monkeys to spread and perpetuate their smear campaign after their true colors are seen. These people are used to do the narcissist’s dirty grunt work. Flying monkeys do not think for themselves and often take everything the narcissist says at face value. Even when faced with the truth about the narcissist, flying monkeys would rather stick their head in the sand than admit the narcissist is not the victim he/she claims to be.

A narcissist needs to have flying monkeys for narcissistic supply and reinforcements. These people allow the narcissist to continue to believe all the grandiose things they believe about themselves. Flying monkeys may be unknowingly perpetuating narcissistic abuse, but this does not mean they belong in your life. Going no contact with all people who have bought the narcissist’s fantasy, that they sell as reality, is imperative to your recovery.

Remember the truth is often not as easy to swallow as the great fantasy the narcissist sells. Have compassion for these people, because at one point in time you were one of the narcissist’s flying monkeys too.



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Check Out: Narcissistic Abuse: Nature Versus Nurture

Narcissistic Abuse: Nature Versus Nurture

When you are raised by narcissists or toxic people nature versus nurture is not really a debate, because both were choatic messes. Nature refers to the genes you inherited and nurture refers to the environment you experienced. Both of these contributing factors need to be addressed in narcissistic abuse recovery.

Nature, being the genes you were born with, is not on your side when you are born into a narcissistic family. Toxic people do not take care of their health on more than a surface level. So being their offspring means you need to address these health issues. Heavy metals, parasites, and gut flora are some of the things that we inherit from our parents that have a large impact on the quality of our lives. All mental disorders are thought to begin in the gut. Cleaning up your microbiome is a great place to start when recovering from narcissistic abuse. Do a heavy metal cleanse, parasite cleanse, and start colonizing the good bacteria in your gut. These are all things that seem really simple, but after you begin to address these issues you start to realize how dynamic they really are.

Changing your environment is the easy part. Anyone can move and start over, but not everyone realizes nurture encompasses changing the way you react and respond to life. Changing your behaviors that reflect in your environment is changing your deep rooted programming. You were programmed by a toxic person who installed viruses into your programming that will cause you to self destruct. If you do not address these viruses and out of date programming it will lead to a whole system break down: emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.



Nature versus nurture is not the question when recovering from narcissistic abuse. Genes and environment are both issues. The question is have you addressed both to fully encompass your healing in a holistic manner.

Check Out: 9 Signs Of Toxicity When Making New Friends After Narcissistic Abuse

The Overt To Covert Incident Of The 1980’s

I am tired of red lights looking like I am on acid from the poison and people following me, so I may as well write this down before I have an accident or incident of my own.

In about 1984ish, my Mom and Aunt La took me to Calistoga to see the nuns to get permission to kill my Grandma and Grandpa. (If any of you know how I make an appointment with the nuns, I would adore if you could tell me with your eyes!) My Mom had already started testing things out and had killed my favorite neighbor lady, either right before the nuns or right afterwards. We continued to visit “Mr. Lee” for years afterwards because my Mom feeds off the pain she causes. Around this time is when I realized my Mom would take away anyone I loved and it would be painful for them and me.

I do not remember how long my Grandma begged for them to let her die, but it was for months and they shamed her for it using religion. The two years after Grandma died, they slowly killed Grandpa with the same things that they used on me in Vegas to make me kill myself. He killed himself by the time I was 10, but I was not sad about him. However, it was still super traumatizing to see my Mom and Aunts enjoy his decline, stay in a mental hospital, and finding a knife he used to grip onto under his couch cushion. They torture people in any way they can, because it is the only way they can feel alive. Being dead inside comes at a great cost.

Also, my uncle N that lived with my Grandpa during this period has since died of complications of the chemicals they used in Grandpa’s house. And there is another uncle A living in the same house now, who also is slowly dying. They are watching and enjoying it, my Mom visited him often the last I knew.

So not only did they kill my Grandma and Grandpa, but they also killed all their spouses’ parents. I think Uncle D(Aunt N’s first hubby and J’s father) was the first to finish off both his parents. My Dad or my Mom killed my Dad’s real dad(the Nazi from Argentina) when I was 8 and we went to visit him in the hospital in Texas. Also, my Dad has been married twice since my Mom and both of his wives have died, think it was my Mom or my Dad who did it? Or maybe it was my Brother?

So yeah, Aunt N, Aunt La, Aunt Lee and my Mom took out the complete generation of parents and their spouses’ parents in like 8 year ish period. Uncle B did let his Mom live as a crazy person(lead?), but she did not have much money to begin with so maybe that was her saving grace in a weird way.

When they divided up the belongings left after my Grandpa died, it was the grossest feeling in the whole wide world. Never in my life do I ever want to experience killers fighting over sovenirs again. I was young, but it still felt really wrong and I knew something was off.

So yeah, they killed everyone who could have told them no and to remember their place. This is how their evil got out of control. I am not sure who decided on their punishment, but it broke them all. After my Grandma died, their desire to do any kind of good died. But also they were stripped of their overt powers.

What I want to know is who held them accountable? And why did they not have to go to prison? I know this is my Mom’s greatest fear, because she told me and I could tell she was not lying. But it did take me awhile to figure out why she feared prison as a reality that could become true. Also, we know that if they killed their own parents, no one around them was immune to their evil. They have been poisoning me since before birth, thus the Asperger’s.

My question is still, does Aunt Lee know they are killing her or is she doing it herself? Did she poison her grandchild with the big head(lead)? When I was decided to not be evil enough my Aunt Lee got pregnant to produce a 3rd to take my spot(they used less poison on her than my Mom did with me though). Did she know what she was getting into? People who grow up like me only get to look forward to the day when we become the authority and get our turn to take out our parents.

What is fair is fair, right? Crazy, huh?

So, why are they still alive?!?



P.S. My Mom shared her recipe for genetically modifying us kids, do you think she shared her recipe for killing her parents? This would make sense on why they did not go to prison, there was more of them than they could risk drawing attention to. Plus, they would have probably noticed that they all had kids like me. Hmmm, what a weird world I have lived in!

A Message To My People

I see you and I feel you. Thank you for giving me hope. I had thought that maybe there was only people like me in a few areas of the nation, but I was wrong we are all over. Be strong, cause now is your time to create the life of your wildest dreams.

I need your help. We need to get organized. First, we need to get our health in order. I have been able to survive their poisoning because I discovered binders. Everyone needs to take binders multiple times a day. Even if they stopped poisoning us today, it will take at least 10 years to get the lead out of our bones. So get to the store, get online, just get going, and get binders.

My favorites:

  • Activated charcoal(I am drinking poisoned gas station coffee now with about 4 pills of activated charcoal and I will be just fine.)
  • Aloe(this helps clean out the colon/intestines)
  • Diatomaceous earth food grade
  • All clays
  • Zeolite(this one helps remove lead, but needs to be mixed with another binder because it is lazy at absorbing other toxins)
  • Chorella & Sprirulina(these two work best when blended together & taken with meals-great for when others prepare your food)

Thank you all for letting me know I am not alone. I know I cannot ask for help and I have no intention of endangering you, but do what you can to help the revolution. Here I am looking like a crazy person as I write this, but what is to fear but fear itself.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.



Eureka! California?

The gas has been strong the past couple days, but they switched it up. It was a different chemical makeup that makes my eyes swell rather than lips and cheeks tingle. Luckily, a motorhome in Southern Oregon gave me a hint to keep moving. So, I kept traveling south.

Thank you to everyone who has given me messages along the way. If you want me to know something just feel it and look me in the eyes, I will get the message. The lady yesterday at McKay’s Market in Gold Beach, Oregon who was ahead of me in line was drowning in her abrasive feelings of guilt and shame. These are some of my Mom’s favorite emotions because they can be very motivating.

My Mom’s weakest links are in Southern Oregon(Gold Beach specifically). These people will turn the easiest, because they have profited the least. They are not active in their pursuit of evil, but rather it is something they want to put behind them and forget about. And they had forgotten about it, until I came to town.

I seem to reflect people’s deepest darkest secrets to them. They often look like they have seen a ghost when they see me. My existence is proof that their evil exists.



P.S. Eureka/Redding California is another cult. They are always in valley’s where the air quality can be controlled, to in turn control people.

Gold Beach, Oregon: Where They Forgot Their Evil

McKay’s Market Gold Beach, Oregon– Beware of the Deli Lady/Food

The people’s eyes say it all here. They had forgotten they did evil. My presence makes them extremely uncomfortable, because they just want to go on with their social norms and forget about what happened in the 1980’s. What did they do? Why did they do evil? How many people are they hiding/poisoning here that are like me?

The man from the laundry mat earlier today worked at the lumber mill that closed in Brookings, Oregon in 1989 and he had moved here from California. They had me fooled for a moment, but I have learned no one is kind to me without reason/motivation. Kindness does not come for free when your Mom is a cult leader who controls people by intertwining her evil with the evil of others.

What have you people done? What motivated you to take part in my Mom’s evil? Do you believe her to be God? Because if she is God, then I am Jesus.


P.S. What is the connection to Colorado?

Grab Your Popcorn & Watch The Show

I am sitting in front of a laundry mat in Southern Oregon. People here are not as invested in fighting other people’s wars. It is refreshing. Yesterday, I got some high carb snacks from the grocery story deli and they did put some poison(lead?) on them. However, they are not looking to be the one who actually kills me so it is a minimal amount. The people who know me radiate of anger and a growing fear. For I am the one who got away, but before I made my final escape I planted great seeds of doubt and possibilities of having to take accountability.

Accountability is like cryptonite to my Mom’s people. They have no experience with it and they have avoided it at every turn, but they fear having to face themselves. They fear it so much they will destroy one another and I will not have to do anything.

Cult members, including my Mom, have had a liftetime of high cortisol from narcissistic abuse. This means their brains are smaller in size than they should be and they only have access to the more primitive/reptilian parts(on top of missing emotional intelligence). This means the extra stress/cortisol of being figured out will allow for all the viruses, parasites, and abnormal cells to flourish in their bodies.

This feeding frenzy is what they have done to me for a lifetime and what is fair is fair. My Mom taught me this. She also taught me to listen to when people give away their biggest fears. I learned a lot from my Mom, she is a pretty neat lady. However, her need to destroy people has been her greatest weakness. She could have created lasting greatness if she had just loved people a little. Sure, it is great to be feared. It gets shit done, but to be loved is the true goal of any respectable leader. People will do things out of love that they will not do for any other thing.

Love is the greatest motivator.



I Am Alive Because I Am A Social Norm

Growing up in a Russian Orthodox and Communist narcissistic family cult means that not conforming is a crime punishable by death. This was something they repeatedly told me and my cousins. They would take us out of this world and create another one just like us. So, how am I still alive?

I have escaped over and over. First, I was a pawn in my parents divorce. My Dad was smart enough to know my Mom would forever hold his sins against him and would brainwash me to her liking. At 18, I met a guy who was motivated by my Mom. He tried to get me hooked on drugs and pregnant. But in the end he is the only one who met the wrath of my Mom. He died a few years after we broke up and I would never have known unless my Mom had not told me. Souvenirs are sometimes the look of pain on people’s faces.

I have spoken up about the cult I grew up in and how toxic they are pretty much my whole life. This is why I am still alive. I am a social norm, before I am a loose end to my family. They know if I die, people will ask questions because people know what my family is capable of.

Speak your truth, it can save your life.



Who Leads The Next Generation?

Women are meant to lead in twos in my family cult. My Mom has a sister that she “works with” and I have a cousin J that I was supposed to work with. Before I made my way to Oregon, I contacted J to tell her that they have been poisoning us. Well, I am unsure as to what she knows, but she is for sure sick. However, people enjoy poisoning themselves and others in my family so it gets a bit mucky.

Yesterday at the laundry mat, I saw J’s evil in the eyes of the people who were putting radon into the air. How can no one notice all this poison? It makes my lips and cheeks tingle, causes nausea, and makes my hands and feet go numb. However, I grew up feeling all these side effects as normal.

Today, I lived on the wild side and got a Dutch Brothers. Does your Dutch Brothers make your mouth and lips numb and make you instantly sick and cold feeling? The guy working there had swollen eyes just like I had from living in Sierra Vista. He is living in mold, but does he know it? What does he know, because he felt fear. What does my family and/or the union have over these people?



The Truth Sets You Free

My Grandma was the boss lady before my Mom. It took me a bit to come to terms with this fact because my Grandma was the only one who loved me. She is the one who taught me love.

My Mom was unable to even pretend that she loved me and this is what caused everything to fall apart. The root issue is Communism takes love in order to work. We are told we are being destroyed out of love, but when the love is absent it is just plain destroying. This is not a complex equation.

However, toxic people love to blameshift because it is the easy way out. My Mom blamed my Grandma loving me for her inability to control me. I have been the difficult child who was made to believe I was broken, on top of being drugged and never teaching me life skills because they needed control over me to keep their secrets.

Never stop questioning reality! Only people who fear the truth will tell you to stop.



Back Home: Where Strangers Are Safer Than Family & Friends

Two younger military looking boys who followed me in Yosemite. I wonder if they even ask for the truth or just follow orders like SS soldiers in WWII?

After being chased by motorcycle gangs and military people through three states, here I am back in Oregon. When I crossed the border people recognized me as if they had been watching my whole escape from Southern Arizona. I know they don’t admire my desire to tenaciously stand up for what is right because currently the dark side is profiting them. They all are just covert in all their interactions because they do not know how to be authentic. Look for the people who pride themselves on social norms. Social norms can be quite deceiving.

After arriving in Eugene/Springfield, I went to see a friend to take a shower. Well, she poisoned me and my dogs with radon in her own house. Do these people not understand they are human too? Her second son is also like me. I realized this today(after over a decade) when she put him down about having suicidal thoughts. No one sane grows up in a family/cult like this and does not think of death.

Realizing that I have lived the Truman Show my whole life and that my family viewed it as a worthy sacrifice is a really weird pill to swallow.



Do You Know How Frustrating It Is For Everyone To Know Who You Are, But You?

Until I started taking binders in 2017, I had no clue there was more to my family cult then just them. I bought all the brainwashing. I was born to be enslaved to my family. The fact that I want to live my own life on my own terms is something they are still trying to punish me for.

I have become one of those people who cannot stay in one place too long. People know who I am, they look at me with fear, hate, wonder, and desire. They see something I do not see. I do know it has something to do with having a baby because as a child I was brainwashed to marry a farmer and have 10 kids. My Grandma also had 10 kids.

So here are some pieces that I am still trying to puzzle together:

*Narcissistic Abuse damages your brain and causes it to shrink.

*43% of children will have a chronic illness by the time they are 18. This means women in our society are so engulfed in dark empathy that they cannot even take care of their children in a decent manner.

*Giving into social norms results in accepting learned helplessness, thus leading to dark empathy, and then cluster b personalities.

*My Grandma was a housekeeper at the hospital. She died of lung cancer, but did not smoke.

*A Mexican housekeeper at the apartment complex in Sierra Vista where I lived left a homemade stuffed animals on the stairs outside and it made my chest and face hurt. I think it was radon. They seem to enjoy lead, mold, and radon poisoning. However, the scary thing is it was a replica of the doll I got at Sacred Heart Hospital when I had surgery at eight in Eugene, Oregon.

*My whole family(aunts, uncles, and cousins) went to the pediatrician Dr. Johnson in Springfield, Oregon. Other kids who I went to school with who were like me also went to Dr. Johnson. Just for the record he never healed me of anything only made me worse. They say I got immunizations in half doses and that was the reason for me having twice as many as other kids.

*Housewives have the highest risk of cancer of any occupation. So obviously household cleaners are not as safe as they claim to be.

*Lake Trinity(Father, Son, & Holy Spirit) was a place my parents did cult business. This seems to be tied to cult members in Lake Havasu City. When I interviewed for a real estate position there I met with a lady my Mom knows.

*There are military and communist people following me. The military people will never be as vicious as the people raised communist, but they still have a great desire to kill and destroy.

*My parents played ET repeatedly for me as a child. I am unsure if they told me or if it was just implied that I would be studied if I ever said anything about being smart.

I know this all sounds crazy. That is why I have waited so long to write about this. Ever since I reached out to 34 random brokers looking for a real estate position it has gotten extremely worse. Finally, I am ready to admit that I am genius, INFJ, and have Aspergers. Why is it such a problem for me to be me?