I have found a weird kind of safety parking at my Mom’s house. Her house is toxic and makes my liver hurt and most of her food is poisoned. But she is not to blame. She is living in her own Truman Show just as most of the women in our family. Luckily, I have always been the black sheep so she understands that I question everything. It is just who I have always been and she knows my favorite question has always been “Why?”
My thyroid/throat, chest, and liver hurt when I am in her house for a long period of time. All my binders and vitamins that have been in my Jeep have been poisoned. They give me the lead lips and angry feelings. I have not been this angry in a long time and after reading the past handful of blog posts I know you all can see it too. This is how I felt most of my life. I was a really angry and anxious person. It is so different than the person I have become since I left Oregon.
The cult leaders must have wrote me off as dead until I started speaking out about being on the Autism spectrum and being an INFJ and genius. Why are they so against me being me? It must threaten who they are and what they plan to do. Who else has questioned their mental state after watching content on TikTok? Did you grow up in a family that felt like a cult? Were the men in your family covert narcissists? And the women/Mothers BPD? I would love anyone who can relate to my story to comment and let me know I am not alone.
When you are raised by narcissists or toxic people nature versus nurture is not really a debate, because both were choatic messes. Nature refers to the genes you inherited and nurture refers to the environment you experienced. Both of these contributing factors need to be addressed in narcissistic abuse recovery.
Nature, being the genes you were born with, is not on your side when you are born into a narcissistic family. Toxic people do not take care of their health on more than a surface level. So being their offspring means you need to address these health issues. Heavy metals, parasites, and gut flora are some of the things that we inherit from our parents that have a large impact on the quality of our lives. All mental disorders are thought to begin in the gut. Cleaning up your microbiome is a great place to start when recovering from narcissistic abuse. Do a heavy metal cleanse, parasite cleanse, and start colonizing the good bacteria in your gut. These are all things that seem really simple, but after you begin to address these issues you start to realize how dynamic they really are.
Changing your environment is the easy part. Anyone can move and start over, but not everyone realizes nurture encompasses changing the way you react and respond to life. Changing your behaviors that reflect in your environment is changing your deep rooted programming. You were programmed by a toxic person who installed viruses into your programming that will cause you to self destruct. If you do not address these viruses and out of date programming it will lead to a whole system break down: emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.
Nature versus nurture is not the question when recovering from narcissistic abuse. Genes and environment are both issues. The question is have you addressed both to fully encompass your healing in a holistic manner.
Today, I was sitting in the Walmart parking lot and blogging in Redding, California. People did good at not making eye contact today, but they give themselves away still. Your people are trying to be more human rather than reptilian. However, the reptilians just cannot help but give themselves away.
A man today walked by with a cart full of things and asked, “Are you in a timeout?” This took me aback a little, because I really did not understand at first. But I had to take into account his state of being and point of reference.
He thinks that I am sad that I am not apart of my heard/cult/family. My Mom thought this too. See this is where the lack of emotional intelligence comes into play. If they understood being human, they would understand that pain is all I associate with my family/cult. If I had been able to conform to their ways, I probably would have out of survival. I assume this is what the rest of the family does, join or die right?
I do not know what has inhibited by ability to conform to the dark side, but I do know that heard mentality has never been comforting to me.
The gas on the way from Eureka to San Fran was intense last night. Do you all get flashbacks from childhood when the gas is used strongly like this? The past five years have been full of flashbacks. If they would have just left me alone, I would have went on trying to live my life thinking I was the problem. I am sure a lot of you can relate to never being able to obtain traction in life, even with great efforts and genius.
My cult/the union traumatizes people until they give into evil, starting from a very young age. And they never stop trying. I lived in a death/work camp in Sierra Vista, Arizona for over two years before I was able to escape. They have camps like this all over the nation as punishment. The only hopes of getting out of these camps is rolling others under the bus. However, I know you all know how to play dead and dumb while plotting just like I do.
Back to the flashback, a nun in Calistoga told me this all would happen when I was three or four. It was the same trip where my Mom and her older sister(let’s call her La) got permission to do something. The nun and I prayed and my Mom made fun of me on the way home for doing so. My Mom doesn’t respect God or the traditions of the church.
The church is not all bad, they knew about me before I did.
When people stick up for my family all I can think is, “How many people have you killed?” and “Does your love feel like hate too?” My Mom used to tell me, “Birds of a feather flock together.” She was right.
Since in Oregon, I have seen so many housewives who make a career out of killing/destroying their children, while pretending to nurture them at the same time. They are angry about the life choices they have made, but they cannot be honest with themselves. Women like my Mom share the belief that they are the victim, when in actuality they chose their life and have victimized their children.
They bought the dream they were sold and they are mad.
My Grandma and Grandpa were raised in Russian Orthodox Orphanages in Russia and immigrated here after/during WWII. They spent two years in the Phillipines and found sponsors to come to America. They did not meet until they were here in California and they were matched by a matchmaker within a week. My Grandma was a rich woman’s baby who cheated on her husband with a soldier and he continued to visit my Grandma when she was in the orphanage. Well, this is the story I was told.
I rarely remember going to church as a child, but I do know that I was raised very religious in Orthodox ways. There is a connection to God in my story. I am unsure as to the whole connection, but I think I told my Mom I talk to God as a child because she told me “God is your only friend,” and it freaked her out. After my head injury at eight, I became more connected to the other side than the 3D world. I love dead people, I can talk to them and they make sense. Most living humans are an illogical emotional mess!
Also, take into account the nuns in Calistoga that my Mom took me with to visit to get permission to do something(1984 ish). I can guess it was to kill my grandparents, but honestly I am still in denial and that just seems so outlandish. But if it was true it would mean that the church owned my Grandma and Grandpa. Plus, they probably own my Mom and maybe that means they own me too.
Today, the people following me were very innocent looking. A good glare scared them a bit. These are people I would never imagine would be wrapped up in something like brainwashing and poisoning a town, aka cult like behaviors. However, religion has been at the roots of more battles in our history than any other issue.
So yeah the Catholic church, who would have thought?
Growing up in a Russian Orthodox and Communist narcissistic family cult means that not conforming is a crime punishable by death. This was something they repeatedly told me and my cousins. They would take us out of this world and create another one just like us. So, how am I still alive?
I have escaped over and over. First, I was a pawn in my parents divorce. My Dad was smart enough to know my Mom would forever hold his sins against him and would brainwash me to her liking. At 18, I met a guy who was motivated by my Mom. He tried to get me hooked on drugs and pregnant. But in the end he is the only one who met the wrath of my Mom. He died a few years after we broke up and I would never have known unless my Mom had not told me. Souvenirs are sometimes the look of pain on people’s faces.
I have spoken up about the cult I grew up in and how toxic they are pretty much my whole life. This is why I am still alive. I am a social norm, before I am a loose end to my family. They know if I die, people will ask questions because people know what my family is capable of.
Today, I went to my Grandma’s grave and it was going strong with the smoke bombs/radon. While there I wrote my last blog post about my cousin J and her Mom, let’s call her Mom “N”. They are still going strong and did not make the same mistakes as my Mom. It is hard to say how they judge success, destroying people doesn’t seem to pay well, but I could be wrong.
N had a husband who worked at the hospital with my Grandma. He was not a housekeeper, but instead he transported patients within the hospital. Knowing that my Grandma was the boss lady and that my cult/the union enjoys using people who look harmless, I can guess there was some funny business for everyone who worked at the hospital with my Grandma.
J had a head injury right before she had her son. Head injuries and a child(a husband too maybe?) are necessary for people like me and J to reign. The children result in learned helplessness and dark empathy, but I am still unsure as to what the head injury does. I had my head injury at 8 and it changed everything. It made my brain better in a really weird way. I had more access to people’s thoughts, emotions, and feelings. My theory is that they make one like me who is feeling with a large emotional spectrum and one like J who lacks a complete emotional spectrum. When we work together we are a complete whole, but super human.
J was the only person I ever loved besides my Grandma and today I saw her true colors. She wants me dead, but she can’t overtly kill me. My heart hurts, she was all I had left of hope for my family of origin. My Grandma always told us to watch out for one another and love one another. Did she forget what Grandma’s love felt like? It is the only real thing I remember from childhood.
Women are meant to lead in twos in my family cult. My Mom has a sister that she “works with” and I have a cousin J that I was supposed to work with. Before I made my way to Oregon, I contacted J to tell her that they have been poisoning us. Well, I am unsure as to what she knows, but she is for sure sick. However, people enjoy poisoning themselves and others in my family so it gets a bit mucky.
Yesterday at the laundry mat, I saw J’s evil in the eyes of the people who were putting radon into the air. How can no one notice all this poison? It makes my lips and cheeks tingle, causes nausea, and makes my hands and feet go numb. However, I grew up feeling all these side effects as normal.
Today, I lived on the wild side and got a Dutch Brothers. Does your Dutch Brothers make your mouth and lips numb and make you instantly sick and cold feeling? The guy working there had swollen eyes just like I had from living in Sierra Vista. He is living in mold, but does he know it? What does he know, because he felt fear. What does my family and/or the union have over these people?
I thought we had called a truce, but maybe it was just a dinner break for everyone. Who the fuck do these people work for because my Mom would not accept such disrespect? It is a bunch of hoodlums not military, but drug users instead this time.
This tells me that there is someone above my Mom and once again this is even bigger than I thought. It is probably like a union and has a board of some sort, a democracy if you will.
We will keep digging in my brain for the missing pieces.
Today, I asked my “friend”, “What would you do if you were me?” She looked at me blankly and that pretty much sums up how I feel about it too. When I drove back to Oregon I had no clue that so many people would still be so invested in this crazy lifestyle.
In the mid-late 1980’s my Mom went from overt to covert. This is also when the wood mills closed in Springfield, Oregon and when the mines closed in Bisbee, Arizona. I was young and pretty isolated besides for being abused so I don;t remember much, but something had to happen. This is also the same time my Grandma and Grandpa died/were killed. Something happened in the 1980’s that enslaved the people here to my Mom and her way of life.
So I need your input, what would you do if you were me? In God’s eyes, I can do almost anything and still not have gone too far. In the eyes of the law, I am supposed to believe I am helpless and allow others to pursue my justice. What do your eyes say?
My Grandma was the boss lady before my Mom. It took me a bit to come to terms with this fact because my Grandma was the only one who loved me. She is the one who taught me love.
My Mom was unable to even pretend that she loved me and this is what caused everything to fall apart. The root issue is Communism takes love in order to work. We are told we are being destroyed out of love, but when the love is absent it is just plain destroying. This is not a complex equation.
However, toxic people love to blameshift because it is the easy way out. My Mom blamed my Grandma loving me for her inability to control me. I have been the difficult child who was made to believe I was broken, on top of being drugged and never teaching me life skills because they needed control over me to keep their secrets.
Never stop questioning reality! Only people who fear the truth will tell you to stop.
At the age of 4, I broke my whole family/cult because they do not live in reality and I like to speak the truth. Well, I have been paying for that one comment ever since. Looking back over my life, I realize quite a few people die after I leave them behind. It’s funny they sign up to help kill me and it is the end of them, rather than the end of me. Reminds me of the Budha quote, “Holding onto anger is like holding onto a hot coal…”
So, I just left behind another cult I found in Southern AZ(Chantilly Virgina area is another one). It starts in Sierra Vista and goes all the way down to the Mexican border through Hereford and Bisbee. The further south people live, the more beat down they look and they do not even try to hide their dark empathy. It was shocking to “accidentally” find another reality that matched the sick realty that I grew up in.
I will never understand why people choose to live like this? But I do think it has something to do with pain. Would you rather be the one inflicting the pain or would you rather experience the pain? I don’t know if there is right answer. How about we just opt out of pain, that sounds like the superior option.
The past couple years, I have experienced people creating pattern interrupts in my life to slow me down and confuse me because with my genetic modifications I am very flow and routine based. They were trying to tell me that I did not belong in the world, their world. It was a lot cause I have overcome a ton in the past few years. I healed cancer naturally while I was in Southern Arizona. I just want to be me and be a good person, why do these people have to keep messing with me? If they would have left me alone, I would not have continued to put the pieces of my past together.
Please allow me a moment of humanity. God says, “Eye for an eye.” Revenge is not evil, hurting people is evil. However, we all need a shadow to protect us. Perhaps, that is what is wrong with the cult members. They never feel safe enough to take their shadow down. Anyways, what do you think will happen to the cult members who harassed me while I was in Southern Arizona? They are all serial killers, covert killers, but they don’t see their worth(Ironic, they don’t see their worth so they have no problem harming another because they must be worthless too, right?). Until people recognize their ability to be bright and shiny without conforming to darkness, I cannot hold onto hope for them. I also do not wish death or harm on them, even though they would have been grateful for my death.
Blogging has kept me safe in the past, so let’s try this again. Warning, I have totally turned into a conspiracy theorist. Everything is connected.
I was raised in a Russian Orthodox cult in Springfield, Oregon. My Mom is the cult leader who followed my Grandpa, but she failed at turning me. I am a 3rd(maybe more) generation genetically modified human. I was meant to lead next. Sounds crazy, right? I know, I wish it was.
There are people/children like me all over the nation. I want you all to know you are not alone, you are worthy of the life of your dreams, and you are capable of love. We are all children of God and he does not make mistakes, he makes us with divinity.
As a child they told me, “God is your only friend.” Well with my genetic modifications(lead and mold and maybe radon exposure during pregnancy cause Aspergers), I did not understand this as a threat and took it literally. So during my 16 years of imprisonment in different bedrooms in different houses, I talked to God. Don’t get me wrong, we had some fights along the way and I went silent on him a lot, but he was always there. My God is different than the God I was taught about though. My God is logical and wants the best for everyone. Maybe some people are talking to the Devil and they just get confused?
So here we go again. Let’s try to figure out people together and see if I come any closer this time. As I learn to cope with the lead and mold that these people dish out as punishment better, my memory will return more. (Do your cigarettes make your lips and hands go numb?) The whole time I was writing my last blog I was experiencing lead and mold poisoning. Oh and did I mention my cult/family is full of serial killers. Oh dear this will be a wild ride for us all!
Let me leave you with a logic problem for the road:
Women who follow social norms(marriage & children) accept learned helplessness that is taught to them by society, which leads to dark empathy. Then the whole cluster b spectrum is the result.