It’s Just Me Against The World

“It’s just me against the world.”

Did 2pac have a birthright like mine? Because his lyrics are sure starting to make more sense lately.

My whole life everyone has had this out to get others mindset that I just did not understand. They get great joy at the expense of others pain and misfortune. Now I understand people will gladly roll others under the bus and/or poison them because they view it necessary for survival. My family has even viewed poisoning and torturing me as something they had to do in order to survive. Their survival depends on my non-survival. My family has never been about love merely obligation and loyalty.

Are all families like this? I would really like to think there are some normies out there and not everyone is a cult member. I know there are normies out there because even in my sheltered existence I have met a few. If I have met them, than they have to exist in greater numbers than my family cult wants anyone to believe.

Beliefs… can you imagine learning of my family cult while running for your life from communists and bikers in the Southwestern deserts of Arizona and Nevada? And learning these people are your family? The family you thought was dysfunctional and cult like, but never did you think organized enough to create something so to scale. It is like a franchise though, because it isn’t their idea. It is like they bought the blueprint from someone else. Only to carry on as if it was their own invention. Like they invented fast food.

What a trip, right? Yah, I am still processing it all. Honestly, it just makes me want to laugh. Can you imagine all the feelings and just how much they encompass? I know I can’t, its overwhelming. Forty years of lies, torture, abuse, and Truman Shows. But then again, there is a large part of me that is quiet like never before. Finally, I understand what all the covert messages were about and why every time I talk to someone there are at least two very different conversations going on. The overt: what they are actually saying, and the covert: what they are thinking and feeling.

If it wasn’t for this odd and yet peaceful quietness on the inside, I would have gone crazy by now. Maybe it is my soul, maybe it is my higher self, maybe it is my guides, maybe it is all of the above. But somehow somewhere all this mess is meant to get us all back on track. I do not know much about being a cult member, they were so sure that I would turn them down they never even asked me to join.

However, I do know about humans and humanity. Humans seek comfort and to soothe their nervous systems. These are things you can bank of them. The moment humans are out of survival mode, like after being chased by a lion, they will seek out comfort. Creature comforts are what can kill a person slowly, erode their mere existence right before your eyes. Creature comforts are how my family cult gets you(and me too). It is hard to believe that less is more because the math just doesn’t add up. But in this odd reality we are all taking part in with war games and covert agendas maybe the math just does not apply to us.

Love Always

Nicole Graves

Today’s Gaslighting/Brainwashing Event:

My Mom keeps talking to me about marriage, children, and why I shouldn’t do either. However, this is the same woman who told me she would be happy when “I found someone to watch out for me” in my early thirties. Now I am guessing what she really meant was find a man to covertly cause you chronic illness and attempt your murder on a daily basis with a side of love.

Plus, gaslighting just pisses me off and makes me not want to even try to play their covert games. I remember the overt to covert incident of my early childhood and so I remember the people you all get to see. It’s all a charade. Everything is a charade. We are only playing these covert games because somewhere someway we believe this is the best it will get for us.

We believe as a collective we are not strong enough to take a stand. I saw this when I was running. The world is way more scared than I could have ever guessed and I understand why now. So tonight, do something revolutionary to calm your nervous system and maybe repeat it every night to come! Something that you can commit to doing a few nights a week, if not every night. Something small or something big. What I have been doing lately is going for a 40 minute walk with the dogs and my Mom every night. The more we can collectively do for our well-being, the closer we will be to believing we all deserve better.

Be revolutionary tonight, so we have a better tomorrow to work with.

I Don’t Know The Rules So…

I don’t know the rules of this covert war and no one seems to be willing to inform me overtly of these rules. Therefore, I am free to do as I wish. How can I abide by rules I am not aware or informed of? Maybe Asperger’s is more of a blessing than I could have ever imagined. We may be at war covertly, but my brain only does overt realities and facts. Every time I try to talk about this covert war I experience gaslighting. So what am I supposed to do, live in fear of rules that no one will explain to me? Ha! That just sounds like an illogical bad deal.

My family has always been annoyed by my insistence that almost anything is possible with time and commitment. Perhaps, now I understand why they look at me with so much disdain. They live in a reality with limitations from the covert rules and are disgruntled that I do not live in the same reality. How exactly am I supposed to share in their reality if they don’t talk about it overtly? Mind reading? Yah, pretty much that is how we have gotten to this place. Well, that and the poisoning and daily attempted murder.

Today, I had a second interview for a sales position. My gps lead me to the wrong office building, but I was still able to find where I was meant to be. Does your gps lead you on wild goose chases when you are doing things my family cult views as a threat too? The office building off Coburg road lit up my lymphatic system when I went inside, the poisoning was strong. However, it was not as strong as the call center I worked at in Sierra Vista when I was just beginning to exercise my freewill to be independent. My family cult will try to stop and punish me, but the thing is they will do these things no matter what I do. It is just part of the loose loose situation that goes along with my birthright. They will forever torture me any way they covertly can, until I can buy myself out of many of the things society requires(aka social norms) again. It is what it is.

The lady who interviewed me today had swollen eyes and an extremely backed up lymphatic system, so they have been torturing and punishing her for awhile already. Biotin in large doses helps with the swollen eyes people. It helps fight the systemic candida infection the gases and poisons cause. Basically, my family cult will torture everyone any way they can whenever they feel like it because poor health and fear are what keep people manageable and small. This is something so many people who willingly and eagerly sign up to work with them forget.

Anytime anyone chooses freewill that does not benefit the socialist agenda they will be punished. Even if they are being motivated by capitalism and their own best interest. It is in the best interest of my family cult for you to remain small at all times and costs. You become a threat the moment you escape survival mode. Look at the members of my family, if they are so powerful why do they remain in survival mode? Why are they not thriving? Why are their cortisol levels so high they are causing other diseases in their bodies? Does that seem like success to you? Success does not create disease the last time I checked, but maybe there is a covert dictionary that I have missed out on as well.

Love Always

Nicole Graves

25 Signs A Person Is Toxic

After experiencing narcissistic abuse it is important to go no contact with all the toxic people in your life. Often it is difficult to tell who is toxic and who is not, because we are not used to having boundaries. A person does not need to have a full blown personality disorder to be toxic. Labeling people is not necessary, but identifying how they make you feel is.

Signs of a toxic person:

  • They like to be heard rather than listening to themselves-only through being heard can they access source energy
  • They are generally a negative person
  • They are judgmental
  • They use love as a weapon and manipulation tactic
  • They are selfish
  • They need to be right
  • They are surrounded by drama
  • They lie
  • They are always the victim
  • They never have a nice word to say about others
  • They take no responsibility for their own feelings
  • They do not apologize
  • They like to complain rather than finding solutions to their problems
  • They make you feel drained
  • They are inconsistent
  • They make you prove yourself to them
  • They are not supportive of what is important to you
  • They nitpick your successes and efforts
  • They regress with age rather than mature
  • They are manipulative
  • They are more interested in what you can give them rather than adding to your life
  • You dread spending time with them
  • You stoop to their level
  • You resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms
  • They make everything in life seem complex and difficult

Now that you are armed with knowledge, allow it to become wisdom and go no contact with the toxic people in your life.

Xoxo

Nicole Graves

Day 50 Of Running From My Narcissistic Family Cult The Kudearoffs

Today, I reached the 50 day milestone of running from my family cult the Kudearoffs. Never in my life did I think I would do something this important and yet so crazy. On this adventure, I have learned so much about people and their makeup. In this video, I talk about how people may be missing out on knowing they are created good and we all deserve greatness. We are born deserving and worthy of greatness. When you embrace this, then you realize we are all good people.

Please take the time to check out the video.

Xoxo

Nicole Graves

11 Traits Of Cults & Narcissistic Families

Narcissistic families are run much like cults. They believe in brainwashing their members to believe the world is to be feared and family is the only thing that will and can save you. When you are born into a narcissistic family cult you know no different or better, so everything seems normal and you assume everyone’s family is similar. No child would assume their family is at the root of their difficulties in life.

Here are 11 traits of cults and narcissistic families:

  • The group(family) displays excessively zealous and unquestioning commitment to its leader, and (whether he is alive or dead) regards his belief system, ideology, and practices as the Truth, as law.
  • Questioning, doubt, and dissent are discouraged or even punished.
  • The leadership dictates, sometimes in great detail, how members should think, act, and feel.
  • The group(family) is elitist, claiming a special, exalted status for itself, its leader(s), and its members 
  • The group(family) has a polarized, us-versus-them mentality, which may cause conflict with the wider society.
  • The leader is not accountable to any authorities
  • The leadership induces feelings of shame and/or guilt in order to influence and control members. Often this is done through peer pressure and subtle forms of persuasion.
  • The group(family) is preoccupied with bringing in new members.
  • The group(family) is preoccupied with making money.
  • Members are expected to devote inordinate amounts of time to the group and group-related activities.
  • Members are encouraged or required to live and/or socialize only with other group members.

Growing up in a multigenerational narcissistic cult is the experience that scarred me the most. It distances your reality from actual reality, by design, and makes you question yourself and the validity of your feelings for a lifetime. If you are the only one who sees and feels the dysfunction it must be something wrong with you. Understanding the abuse that your mind, body, and soul endured as a result of your narcissistic family cult is the only way towards healing and recovery. These people are not family and they are not motivated by love. Narcissistic family cults merely want to keep you stuck, so you have no other choice but to endure their abuse for a lifetime. Love is not supposed to hurt, you deserve better.

Xoxo

Nicole Graves

IG: https://www.instagram.com/nicole_graves_kudearoff/

Check out my You Tube Channel

Codependency, People Pleasing, & Addictions

Codependence, people pleasing, and addictions all stem from looking for happiness outside of ourselves. When you are raised to please others first, rather than yourself, life can be a slippery slope to navigate. Learning how to put yourself first is one of the most difficult steps in narcissistic abuse recovery, because it goes against the grain of how we were raised. Growing up with a narcissistic parent, or parents, you understood that your feelings did not matter and if you took a stand to express yourself you regretted it later, because it never turned out well.

Codependency or self-love deficit, as Ross Rosenburg puts it, is the tendency to not be authentic with yourself and/or others. As a child, you were never shown how to unconditionally love and honor yourself. Thus, you seek security and love from others. This pattern often repeats for a lifetime, until there is someone who uses this need for love against us. When the effort and lessons to finally unconditionally love ourselves are less pain and work than staying with someone else who gives us conditional love, only then do we address this issue.

People pleasing is merely an addiction to keeping the peace and getting approval. When you have a parent/parents that deny your emotional reality, you start to do this to yourself as a survival mechanism. This trait/addiction becomes deep-rooted into the person you believe yourself to be. However, in actuality, as a human being you are an emotional creature. Denying this reality is denying who you are as an individual. This leads to all kinds of addictions that may vary, but all stem from looking for comfort outside of yourself.

After a lifetime of not addressing or acknowledging your own feelings, keeping the peace, and looking for approval outside yourself, it is almost unheard of to not have developed some maladaptive coping mechanisms that have become addictions. Addressing these addictions is just as important as acknowledging your feelings. Addictions are not limited to drugs and alcohol, they can be anything from working out, shopping, sex, eating, playing video games, people pleasing, ect. What do you do when you feel lonely or depressed? Is it making you a better person or is it holding you back?

Being honest with yourself about addiction is one of the key components of narcissistic abuse recovery. If you cannot admit to having a problem or issue you will not be able to resolve it. This requires digging deep and looking at all aspects of your life and actions. What do you do over and over that hurts you? What do you do that makes you a better human? What do you do that you picked up from your original abuser? What is the motivation behind your actions that you take when on autopilot? Now is the time to ruthlessly question everything.

Xoxo

Nicole Graves

IG @Nicole_Graves_Kudearoff

Twitter @Now_Nizi

YouTube-Spilling the Tea Video

Only I Can Save Myself

I quit my real estate position in Arizona in January, because my family had gotten to the people I worked with. Needless to say that never ends up well for anyone. But I have had bosses before who saw my value. Not only am I a genius and a bit of a workaholic, I elicit great attention and curiosity no matter where I go. People love to see what all the fuss is about.

This morning my Mom was so excited because she thought I was going to stay here and let her and my Brother kill me and my dogs. Well, that seems like a real bad deal for me. Why would I want to give her what she has always wanted? It is not Christmas. I may not know where I am going, but I am not staying here. Like I said before this is a moment of rest and regrouping. Once I find a new position where I can explore my potential I am doing my happy dance and hitting the road.

Since January, I have been reaching out to many different people in many different industries with no luck via email. My family does not want me to speak out about being on the Autism spectrum and being a genius. It’s bad public relations for them. People may talk about what they covertly do to create people like me and then how they enslave them to a life of evil mediocrity or a group home. Heaven forbid people know the truth about them.

I have a new approach. Wish me luck, because this could be amazing for my people.

Xoxo

Nicole

Living Like A Grey Rock

Do you know what it is like to have never had a real conversation with anyone? I do. I break people when I fire on all cylinders, people can rarely handle the truth. This makes me not want to even try to communicate with anyone. It’s a waste of energy, because I never get what I truly seek out of it. I prefer to write/blog about my life, thoughts, and feelings. Rather than interact with people who will gaslight me.

“The grey rock method involves communicating in an uninteresting way when interacting with abusive or manipulative people. The name “grey rock” refers to how those using this approach become unresponsive, similar to a rock. The technique may involve: avoiding interactions with the abusive person.” https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock

I am sure this is how others with Asperger’s feel, too. It’s lonely to be so smart. No one really can keep up or even wants to try. It is easier to play dead like the others on the autism spectrum who lack verbal skills. They are smarter than most people give them credit for. Everyone on the Autism spectrum has more dynamic energy compared to neurotypicals.

We represent the exception to the rule and the fact that we are often in families with narcissists just adds to our lack of interest in forming relationships with others. In my experience, I have never not had to conform in order to create a lasting bond/relationship. Can you see how this could turn us off and make us not want to try?

One day, I hope you all try to meet us half way because we adapt to your neurotypical world everyday in countless ways.

Xoxo

Nicole

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201406/do-you-think-narcissism-autistic-spectrum-disorder

18 Signs Of A Psychopath/Sociopath

Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie is a book that changed my life. Growing up in a Russian Orthodox Narcissistic family cult made this book feel like a family reunion. Psychopaths have a higher skill set than the average narcissist when it comes to manipulation. Without feelings they have to emulate being human and having an emotional spectrum beyond merely anger and jealousy.

“Psychopaths do not actually feel the love and happiness that they so frequently proclaim. They oscillate between contempt, envy, and boredom. Nothing more.” -Jackson MacKenzie, Psychopath Free

Psychopaths prey on others to feel alive and get a taste of emotion. Their emotions are flat, dull, and painful. They seek to kill in you what they cannot have themselves. Psychopaths are people who know they do not have the ability to possess feelings and take it out on others.

As BPD and narcissism overlap, so do narcissism and anti-social personality disorder. All cluster b personality disorders start to look similar with time and age. Dark triad is how most of cluster b personality disorders leave this world. So if you grew up with a BPD or narcissistic parent, chances are highly likely that you will see the signs of psychopathy in them with age.

Signs of psychopathy:

  • Lack of empathy
  • Overly critical
  • Disregard for right and wrong
  • Wit and charm
  • Impulsiveness
  • Arrogance
  • Aggression
  • Unreliable and unpredictable
  • Lack of remorse or shame
  • Insincerity
  • Poor judgement and failure to learn by experience
  • Lack of insight
  • Impulsive
  • Only concerned with the now
  • Everything is a game
  • Ignores social norms
  • Deceitful
  • Callousness

Not all narcissists are psychopaths, but all psychopaths are narcissists.

Xoxo

Nicole

Follow me on IG to keep up with my adventures

https://www.instagram.com/nicole_graves_kudearoff/

9 Signs Of Toxicity When Making New Friends After Narcissistic Abuse

When making new friends and reconnecting with old friends after narcissistic abuse, it is imperative to figure out who is toxic and who is healthy. Healthy people will aide in your healing journey, while toxic people will add to the struggles of recovery. Recovering from narcissistic abuse is a lifelong journey. When you think you have arrived, you are faced with a new obstacle in life that leads you right back to recovery. You are worth the life of your dreams and every time you compromise it is rooted in your belief that you do not deserve your dreams.

Recently, I have been working on meeting new people and reconnecting with some of my old friends. After going within, working on myself, and my root wound, it is time to get back out into the world. However, going back out into the world is not without speed bumps.

Here are 9 signs, I have encountered, that shed light on a person’s toxicity:

  • They enjoy hearing about your problems and things you are struggling with because they enjoy your pain more than they can share in your successes.
  • They use your given name more often than necessary.
  • They over share their issues and struggles, but rarely share successes or things they are happy about(besides material possessions).
  • They talk a big self-care game, but rarely participate in it or follow through.
  • They know a lot of people and enjoy talking/gossiping about them.
  • They often talk about their traumas, but rarely share how they addressed and/or dealt with these issues to heal.
  • They treat you as a toy/possession rather than a freethinking individual.
  • They study you rather than get to know you or catch up with you.
  • They bring up past experiences you shared that involve your vulnerability(if you knew them before).

When you know and realize the signs and feelings that go along with toxic people, it is easier to weed them out of your life. Be a ruthless gardener and protect the garden of your life like the true gift it is.

Xoxo

Nicole

Follow me on IG to keep up with my adventures

https://www.instagram.com/nicole_graves_kudearoff/

Check out: The Narcissist’s Flying Monkeys

The Narcissist’s Flying Monkeys

Narcissists cannot survive without their enablers. Flying monkeys are people who turn a blind eye to red flags, blatant abuse, and the narcissist causing most issues rather than resolving them. These people are usually unaware of the abuse they are perpetuating and participating in, but ignorance does not make the damage they create heal faster.

Flying monkeys also play into narcissistic family cults. When narcissistic supply is not easily obtainable, a narcissist always has their family to fall back on. Narcissists rarely go no contact with their family of origin, even when there are highly dysfunctional members. Turning these dysfunctional family members into flying monkeys allows the narcissist to perpetuate abuse on their target whenever they choose. Family members in a narcissistic family cult are taught loyalty and blind devotion from a very young age, so these flying monkeys will normally last a lifetime.

Narcissists use flying monkeys to spread and perpetuate their smear campaign after their true colors are seen. These people are used to do the narcissist’s dirty grunt work. Flying monkeys do not think for themselves and often take everything the narcissist says at face value. Even when faced with the truth about the narcissist, flying monkeys would rather stick their head in the sand than admit the narcissist is not the victim he/she claims to be.

A narcissist needs to have flying monkeys for narcissistic supply and reinforcements. These people allow the narcissist to continue to believe all the grandiose things they believe about themselves. Flying monkeys may be unknowingly perpetuating narcissistic abuse, but this does not mean they belong in your life. Going no contact with all people who have bought the narcissist’s fantasy, that they sell as reality, is imperative to your recovery.

Remember the truth is often not as easy to swallow as the great fantasy the narcissist sells. Have compassion for these people, because at one point in time you were one of the narcissist’s flying monkeys too.

Xoxo

Nicole

Follow me on IG to keep up with my adventures

https://www.instagram.com/nicole_graves_kudearoff/

Check Out: Narcissistic Abuse: Nature Versus Nurture

Narcissistic Abuse: Nature Versus Nurture

When you are raised by narcissists or toxic people nature versus nurture is not really a debate, because both were choatic messes. Nature refers to the genes you inherited and nurture refers to the environment you experienced. Both of these contributing factors need to be addressed in narcissistic abuse recovery.

Nature, being the genes you were born with, is not on your side when you are born into a narcissistic family. Toxic people do not take care of their health on more than a surface level. So being their offspring means you need to address these health issues. Heavy metals, parasites, and gut flora are some of the things that we inherit from our parents that have a large impact on the quality of our lives. All mental disorders are thought to begin in the gut. Cleaning up your microbiome is a great place to start when recovering from narcissistic abuse. Do a heavy metal cleanse, parasite cleanse, and start colonizing the good bacteria in your gut. These are all things that seem really simple, but after you begin to address these issues you start to realize how dynamic they really are.

Changing your environment is the easy part. Anyone can move and start over, but not everyone realizes nurture encompasses changing the way you react and respond to life. Changing your behaviors that reflect in your environment is changing your deep rooted programming. You were programmed by a toxic person who installed viruses into your programming that will cause you to self destruct. If you do not address these viruses and out of date programming it will lead to a whole system break down: emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Xoxo

Nicole

Nature versus nurture is not the question when recovering from narcissistic abuse. Genes and environment are both issues. The question is have you addressed both to fully encompass your healing in a holistic manner.

Check Out: 9 Signs Of Toxicity When Making New Friends After Narcissistic Abuse

The Overt To Covert Incident Of The 1980’s

I am tired of red lights looking like I am on acid from the poison and people following me, so I may as well write this down before I have an accident or incident of my own.

In about 1984ish, my Mom and Aunt La took me to Calistoga to see the nuns to get permission to kill my Grandma and Grandpa. (If any of you know how I make an appointment with the nuns, I would adore if you could tell me with your eyes!) My Mom had already started testing things out and had killed my favorite neighbor lady, either right before the nuns or right afterwards. We continued to visit “Mr. Lee” for years afterwards because my Mom feeds off the pain she causes. Around this time is when I realized my Mom would take away anyone I loved and it would be painful for them and me.

I do not remember how long my Grandma begged for them to let her die, but it was for months and they shamed her for it using religion. The two years after Grandma died, they slowly killed Grandpa with the same things that they used on me in Vegas to make me kill myself. He killed himself by the time I was 10, but I was not sad about him. However, it was still super traumatizing to see my Mom and Aunts enjoy his decline, stay in a mental hospital, and finding a knife he used to grip onto under his couch cushion. They torture people in any way they can, because it is the only way they can feel alive. Being dead inside comes at a great cost.

Also, my uncle N that lived with my Grandpa during this period has since died of complications of the chemicals they used in Grandpa’s house. And there is another uncle A living in the same house now, who also is slowly dying. They are watching and enjoying it, my Mom visited him often the last I knew.

So not only did they kill my Grandma and Grandpa, but they also killed all their spouses’ parents. I think Uncle D(Aunt N’s first hubby and J’s father) was the first to finish off both his parents. My Dad or my Mom killed my Dad’s real dad(the Nazi from Argentina) when I was 8 and we went to visit him in the hospital in Texas. Also, my Dad has been married twice since my Mom and both of his wives have died, think it was my Mom or my Dad who did it? Or maybe it was my Brother?

So yeah, Aunt N, Aunt La, Aunt Lee and my Mom took out the complete generation of parents and their spouses’ parents in like 8 year ish period. Uncle B did let his Mom live as a crazy person(lead?), but she did not have much money to begin with so maybe that was her saving grace in a weird way.

When they divided up the belongings left after my Grandpa died, it was the grossest feeling in the whole wide world. Never in my life do I ever want to experience killers fighting over sovenirs again. I was young, but it still felt really wrong and I knew something was off.

So yeah, they killed everyone who could have told them no and to remember their place. This is how their evil got out of control. I am not sure who decided on their punishment, but it broke them all. After my Grandma died, their desire to do any kind of good died. But also they were stripped of their overt powers.

What I want to know is who held them accountable? And why did they not have to go to prison? I know this is my Mom’s greatest fear, because she told me and I could tell she was not lying. But it did take me awhile to figure out why she feared prison as a reality that could become true. Also, we know that if they killed their own parents, no one around them was immune to their evil. They have been poisoning me since before birth, thus the Asperger’s.

My question is still, does Aunt Lee know they are killing her or is she doing it herself? Did she poison her grandchild with the big head(lead)? When I was decided to not be evil enough my Aunt Lee got pregnant to produce a 3rd to take my spot(they used less poison on her than my Mom did with me though). Did she know what she was getting into? People who grow up like me only get to look forward to the day when we become the authority and get our turn to take out our parents.

What is fair is fair, right? Crazy, huh?

So, why are they still alive?!?

Xoxo

NiZi

P.S. My Mom shared her recipe for genetically modifying us kids, do you think she shared her recipe for killing her parents? This would make sense on why they did not go to prison, there was more of them than they could risk drawing attention to. Plus, they would have probably noticed that they all had kids like me. Hmmm, what a weird world I have lived in!