Today, I realized a lot. The death/work camp wasn’t just in Sierra Vista. It follows me wherever I go. And the emotional pain that my family puts me through is knowing so much and never getting to manifest anything real with it. I have been swimming upstream my whole life thinking I was the one that was doing something wrong or was deficient in some way. Today, I realized it hasn’t been me this whole time. There have just been many limitations that were put on me that I did not know about. Well, now I know.
No one can be revolutionary forever on their own. And I know I have to pick a keeper. That keeper could be a minimum wage job boss here or I could pick someone who can walk the dogs with me in the evenings. Someone who let me realize my dream of being a writer. Who knows maybe I can write some children’s books or something underwhelming and yet still somewhat satisfying.
I still do not want to partake in the war games, but now I understand you all are committed to living like this. I may never understand why, but that is okay I do not have to understand. All I have to know is that I tried. People like me on the Autism spectrum(Asperger’s is on the Autism spectrum) only live on average to be 35. I turned 40 on this trip and I have healed cancer. I am proof that you can beat the odds. However, I am living on borrowed time and fighting a war alone is not how I want to spend more of my time.
When you all get sick from playing your war games look me up and I can give you some tips on how to heal and/or improve your quality of life while you die. Living the way you all choose to live means you will get sick. It is not a question of if, but when. Maybe this does not scare you, but I have been sick and it is just not something I want to experience again. I want to live because I never really have gotten to and just be a normal human. Shoot, maybe I can meet some old ladies at a church and join a quilting circle. That is more up my alley than continuing to swim upstream. Heck, maybe I can grow some pot and my own potatoes.
This trip has made me realize ordinary may not be as bad as I thought, because revolutionary alone only works for so long.
Who knows maybe I will be back quicker than I realize, see you soon if they try to kill me on the way out of city limits.