Growing up with a narcissistic Mother is a defining experience. It influences decision-making throughout a lifetime, whether consciously or unconsciously. Explaining the impact of growing up with this family dynamic to someone who experienced love as a child is beyond complicated. These are a few things that I wish people understood.
Trust used to come naturally to me. However, once in recovery I had to begin questioning everything. No longer can I afford to take people at face value. Please do not take this personally. I question everything, because the things that were supposed to be a given in life were not what they seemed to be.
The person you saw and experienced was not who she really was. Just because you did not see the abuse, does not mean it did not happen. I was born to supply her with narcissistic supply. When the world did not treat her in the way she desired, she took that narcissistic supply from me in whatever way she deemed necessary.
Getting to the point of realizing and admitting to the experience of narcissistic abuse was a journey that made me question every part of myself. Please do not discount this journey. No one wants to admit their own Mother did not love them.
Loving someone without empathy or a conscious was a soul eroding experience. Choosing to hold onto my heart and empathy was the most painful choice I have ever made. My emotional spectrum is a conscious choice I paid greatly for.
I have been guilted into giving my original abuser the benefit of the doubt by society for a lifetime. The world does not like to believe women can have narcissistic and sociopathic traits, especially towards their own children. Not all women who have children are Mothers.
The experience of having a narcissistic Mother creates some of the strongest individuals in this world. We have experienced the evil of the world and rejected it by consciously choosing not to join them. One day I hope the world will understand this experience better. However, until then please honor the experience and feelings of those of us who grew up without love, but found the strength to stand up for what we truly deserve.