God has a plan for me. He always has. When I was 8 or 9 after my Grandma died I had a fight with God. I didn’t understand why he was putting me through all this. God was supposed to be a kind and gentle God. We stopped talking till I was facing death in the desert in Vegas. Almost 30 years I refused to talk to God. I refused to believe he existed because no one was supposed to have to face this much pain.
I have not lost anyone I truly love since my Grandma Kudearoff died. That crushed me, but she didn’t die she was murdered. There is a big difference. That wasn’t Gods plan. That was my Dads plan. However, I refuse to let loosing Teka break me like loosing my Grandma Kudearoff did.
When Haywood had to have surgery in Arizona they gave him too many antibiotics. This is what they do to all people like me. They did this when I was 8 and had my head surgery. They did it again when I had my first boob job. And they did it again when I had my second boob job. Surgery is an act of destruction. Teka has never had to have anything done, but teeth pulled and cleanings. However, the teeth she needs pulled now would be a big deal. And I am naive if I think I would be able to purchase good medical attention for her. I would pay thousands to literally kill her. She would get sicker and sicker and I would spend everything I had on her because I love her. She is a liability. A1 got her fir me to make me weak and manageable. Love in this world makes you weak. No matter how much I fight and try to sell people on love, they will always view it as my greatest weakness.
Teka needs to eat more often than Haywood and I do. I have not been able to buy kibble that isn’t poisoned ever since who knows when. But on this trip everytime I tried the kibble was so poisoned it would throw her hips out like when I first got her. Teka is 13 and she turns 14 September 14th. She wasn’t supposed to live this long, but she did and she deserves to live in a dwelling. When I was camping out in my Moms backyard she liked sleeping in the house even though it was poisoned. She like laying on the couch with my mom even though my Mom would poison her. Teka doesn’t understand people are evil. Haywood he knows the evil of people. He tried so hard to tell me that people are evil but I didn’t listen. Haywood will bite people. He bites me. He would not be able to survive without me. Teka on the other hand she is pure love. She has never met a stranger.
Teka was my biggest weakness. It’s good she decided to run away. I’m not saying I would not come get her in a heartbeat if someone called about her. But God has a plan. She has never wandered that far away from me ever. Never has she gone that far. People not returning her that’s my Dads plan. But God had something to do with her running away.
The past couple weeks I really babied her and I didn’t understand why. But now I do. I was saying goodbye. I would have never given her up on my own. I would have held tight to her for a lifetime. However it would have destroyed us all.
Teka was so many learning lessons. I learned how vulnerable love makes me. It makes me weak because I’m at war. Teka was a preview of how weak having children will make me. I was right to never have children. And I am also right when I say it will take a literal army to protect my children. They will probably need to live and grow up in a compound. My children are too valuable to live in the world. No matter how much I desire to be normal and how much I want to give my children the things I never had, I will never be able to give my kids ordinary or normal. I could never give Teka or Haywood ordinary or not. Everytime I take them out into the world people try to destroy them. Haywood has such bad kidneys from all the destruction and his C diff infection is worse than mine. I neglected him when we had zteka because he’s not one to speak up. And his needs are so different than Tekas. Haywood needs to fast for long periods of time like me. He loves dry fasting. Last night was the first time I fell asleep with my hand on his booty because I always used to have to be touching him to fall asleep in Vegas. He grounds me. And I have not taken care of him the best. Not because I didn’t want to but because Teka needs so much and I only have so much bandwidth while living in this warzone. It will take us some time to adjust but it used to just be the two of us. We know we can do this because we have done it before.
Redmond I will never forgive you all. I will hold a grudge but this will not break me. If at any point you all want to call me and give her back I will take her back. But I’m just going to use this as more fuel to get through this war. I will get even with you all. I dont kniw how and I dont kniw when but it will happen.
When the three of us were in California last fall and winter we did a fair amount of walking on the beach. It felt so good. This must have been what I dreamed of and the vision I had. I had hoped it would be sweeter and more secure, but we walked on the beach and I felt good about being able to provide experiences for my kids.
Teka got to go so many places over the past year and a half. She had never been to Oregon before. She had never met my Mom or Brother. We went to redwoods. I took her and Hay hiking in Washington almost everyday. Shes small but shes might. I showed her the world. Now she deserves to relax inside and snack often even though it spikes her insulin. She deserves things I can’t give her, even when I try to buy her the things she needs my Dad makes it an act of destruction. Shes better off without me. However I am willing to accept her back. The person who has her will treat her like a trophy. The biggest war games trophy they will ever have. Hopefully that ensures her safety and earns her some spoiling. She loves fuzzy blankets and stuffed toys she can chew on the soft stuffed animals. She just wants to be held all the time. Love her because she will love you more than you ever imagined possible. Tell her I love her more than I ever knew was possible. Dont let her loose her faith in people. Her live is so pure even though she has seen and experienced the destruction over and over.
I refuse to let this break me. God has a plan for me. Even though I dont understand it, I can’t doubt him. Tekas not made for war like Haywood and I are. I love her so much, but…
It’s better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.
My Grandma Kudearoff will watch over her for me and I will see her again one day when this war is over for me. When love someone you let them go and if they come back you know it was meant to be.
This is going to break me, it just hurts.
Love Always
Nicole D Graves