Thursday May 26 2022 Moon in Aries Sun in Gemini My Day

I woke up in a church parking lot in Renton. They don’t believe in God there so people pulled into the parking lot all night to poison me with lead poisons. I stayed up all night putting together puzzle pieces. I figured out how to not only win my revolution but how to win the civil war the scandinavians have with my family. Its lonely being this smart. I feel even more isolated from people than I am. If I didn’t know the answers I could play dumb and helpless with them. But the solutions to things are normally really simple. Yet, I can’t seem to get myself out of this situation on my own. People have always been my greatest obstacle in this life. Yet I have always wanted to make things easier on the because life seems like it is harder for them. Being emotional must be hard. I get frustrated and sad and tired. But most the time I’m happy. I suppose I feel anger too. But I do really well at limiting my negative emotions.

The past two nights I haven’t gotten any sleep because of the gang stalking and poisoning. Lack of sleep makes me emotional kinda. I was sleep deprived most of my life and poisoned that’s why I bought into being told I was emotional. But I’m not I’m just human and need sleep and fir my insulin levels to not be too spiked.

Last night figuring everything out and realizing my family had nothing to do with why I remembered the early 80s as a happier time was harsh yet completely logical. My grandma Kudearoff is the one who taught my mom and her sisters how to be evil. They just came into enough power when she died to use that evil on all of us. I wonder what the switch was? It was 1989 ish…. my family is why the lumber mills closed down. That’s a Republican industry or was.

Then today I figured out how they rigged the last presidential election. They bought it literally. Like 70% or something huge like that if campaign contributions came from out if state sources especially in swing states. They literally bought the elections. People are kept in a trance state so whoever has the ability to buy the most television ads is the person who will win most of the time. I really wanted trump to be president. The Democrats just want to tell you they will take care of you and then destroy you with the things they deem necessary for you to have. Just like covid shots.

Covid all together was a nocebo(opposite of placebo) it’s a way for others to seek comfort outside of themselves. You are the answer, not the government or government that promises to take care of all your needs. You need to know yourself and meet your own needs.

Maybe I need to take my own advice. When I came up here I had come to terms with being kept small and was just going to enjoy my last little hoorah of a drive up north before going back to eugene to be destroyed and get a job that bores me to death and destroys me and barely allows me to care for myself and my dogs. I have been kept small most of my life. A couple more years won’t kill me. My parents have to die eventually. But we all know no one is dying before the November election. It will be interesting to see what happens. No wonder my parents never explained politics to me. I have only voted that once for trump because I was scared he wouldn’t get elected. I may have to register to vote in eugene I haven’t done that since I got back.

To know so much and not be able to apply it in life is really hard. It’s a special kind of hell. I’ve never really spoke of it before because I never wanted to say that other people were wrong or less than and they aren’t. But I’m just different. And I’m tired of being punished for being different. I’m tired of herd mentality always winning because it’s the weakest solution to anything. I suppose I just need to stop getting my Hope’s up when it comes to other people. I just need to read my books walk my dogs and enjoy life as much as I can. I need to proud of myself for doing everything I have done. I need to know that even though everything doesn’t make sense right now one day it will and it will sooth my nervous system. The only certainty in life is uncertainty and I need to embrace that certainty. I will always hold onto hope for myself because I have earned it and proven I deserve it. I will never understand people.

I can do my logic equations and play mental emotional chess all day, but until I get out from under my family’s thumb I will never get to use my people skills. I literally have the answers to so many things and yet it doesn’t seem to matter. Its hurtful. I still don’t know what I have to do to earn being apart of humanity and human. My birthrights make it so people can’t see that I’m human too. I’m just a human at the end of the day. But no one wants to treat me like a human. The best I can hope for is to be left alone. That’s sad, but what life has taught me. The closest thing to love I’ve ever experienced is people not destroying me all the way. That’s so far from love it’s sad. And yet I have never given up on wanting to be human. Can you imagine having the birthrights that allow for world wars and genocide, but really all you want is to be human? It’s a weird life, but I suppose we all have our own issues.

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