When I first met A1, our first dinner he told me it was like fate meeting me. Men always said cheesy things to me, but I could tell he was telling the truth/he believed it. When people lie their brains light up differently and I can see it. Well, tonight I realized that my Dad chose A1 to be with me. He knew I would like him. My Dad chose everyone I was with my whole life, except Mr. Utah. My Dad never wanted me to be with a black man. However my dad did send Mr Utah after me when I broke up with A1 and did not choose to date anyone.
Slowly but surely I am realizing my whole life and every one in the Kudearoff family has just been a puppet for my Dad ever since my Grandma Kudearoff died and there were no longer checks and balances for him. Absolute power corrupts all. But he was already corrupted, it just got worse.
I emailed A1 tonight because he is the one who got me my munchkins. If he has a heart, he will understand. When Haywood got hurt in Arizona I called him when he was in surgery just to keep me calm. He knows I love my/our kids.
A1 is scared of my Dad. Everyone is scared of my Dad. I saw A1 early on this adventure I dont know why he was taking part in the gang stalking. And I for sure dont kniw why he didn’t think I would recognize him. But I saw him when I was at a rest stop in Oregon going to the bathroom. He was smoking a cigarette wearing a hat. I shook my head at him in the same way people who try to brainwash me do and kept walking, but I felt his cortisol spike and his heart race. He knew I saw him.
For one Christmas, I got A1 a John deer hat and shirt. I may not if had the words to logically Express what was happening but that’s my Autism. It’s hard for me to find words and movement is hard for me. However I have always felt what was going on. Now I understand why he was so mortified by my gift. I told him it was irony, an asain man wearing a farming hat. I dont know many asain farmers. Maybe I’m wrong but I have not seen many if any in my life. He never really wore the shirt or hat.
The only way A1 will ever treat me fairly is if the farmers get him to. A1 has an overactive fear response. He’s scared of my Dad and he has been scared of me ever since he learned that I didn’t die from cancer in the death camp. They all celebrated my death too soon. The farmers are my only hope for ever being treated fairly in life.
Even with getting my dog back because I am on the west side of town and just realized it. So I need the dark side farmers in Southern Oregon and Roseburg to motivate whoever has Teka to give her back. Every group has a different group of farmers they take orders from
Here I am the most powerful lady in the war games and no one will listen to me even about my own life. I dont know if they are birthrights as much as disabilities. How can any of this be happening? Its because my Dad has tried to change the system when he does not have the power to.
Do you know how much it sucks to not feel in control of your own life and to have everything been a lie and a Truman show? I know you all do, but do you all realize my life is just a preview of how much worse it can get for you all. I’m not being revolutionary to be bossy, I’m being revolutionary just so I have a God damm say in my own life. I am fighting to be human rather than an object to be owned and possessed. No human should have to experience what I have. And I want to save you all from it if its possible. I hope you realize this revolution is to save you not just me. I hope you all realize that. Its important you see I am not being selfish, I am looking out for everyone’s best interest.
Dark side farmers in Oregon, I appreciate you all and I know I’m asking a lot but I need your help. I lost Teka near 19th and Antler it’s on the new side of Redmond. She disappeared into an apartment complex filled with dark side members and I could not find her. They will not give her back, they were mocking me about being homeless and enjoying my pain as I was searching for her. She will have to be walked or use the restroom eventually. Shes a yorkie chihuahua mix 8lbs black with grey speckles 13 years old with brown eyes. Please make the people here police each other and turn the person in to you all if she is not returned in the morning. I know I’m turning into a high maintenance associate but I promise to not leave her to wander so far again. If the people have to live in fear of being caught they will do the right thing. I have never been treated well by the dark side, but then leaving me alone the last month or so has been really good. Being left alone by them is the nicest they have ever been. Please help me with getting Teka back and you all know I’m always here to help you all with whatever will improve your quality of life.
Southern LA farmers, in the spirit of being high maintenance, please allow me to be treated fairly by A1. I know I asked before but I realized why I have had it out for him so much. A1 was a puppet for my Dad to hurt me. That’s why he hurt me in ways that I had thought I had escaped from. He raped me like my Dad used to. It was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me as an adult. And I have been hurt a lot. I may never know what actions were really A1 and which were my Dad, but I at least need to feel like I have closure on the situation. I need to feel like there is justice in the world. I dont want justice to be the blood of my enemies. I want justice to be loving like my Grandma Kudearoff who told people to do better and they did because she said it with love. A1 is scared of the farmers. I’m not sure if its because of me or because of who you all are. I honestly have no clue who you all are. But you have always treated me fairly and that’s how I judge people. People are human. And humans do some evil things. But we are all imperfect perfection. I give my love unconditionally to the people who help me improve my life and make my way through the world. I’m not perfect, but no one is. I’m never going to be perfect and that’s okay because I dont expect anyone to be perfect. It’s not possible. I dont care who you all are to the world or anyone. Look at my family, I love them all. They all tried to kill me and I can tell you amazing things about each and everyone of them. They are pretty cool people war games and murder aside. A1 is pretty amazing too with war games, murder, and rape aside. Everyone is human.
My point is I always treat people as people. You all are just human to me. You do some things that may not be perfect, but you are just human. I dont know any other way to treat people. So once again the point is be good to me and I will always be good to you all. And I will expect you all to come over for dinner or a bbq one day because when you work hard together you got to play hard together a little too. All I know is the war games. The war games is my family. You all have become part of my family. So I guess you all are stuck with me. And I’m so very grateful to find people with power like mine that actually works. You all give me hope that one day soon things will be better for not only me but a lot of people. I just need a little help finding some justice and peace of mind in this covert war that is my life. And I need some help getting an overt life. I realized today I have never had one. Its always just been my Dad waging covert war on me and telling me it was my overt life and poor decisions.
I apologize for the late night rambles. Hope you all read this in the morning and I didn’t keep you all up. I still dont kniw how this thing works. One day we gotta figure out a two way communication method, maybe even text message so I can write my thoughts. Communication is key they say.
Love Always
Nicole D Graves