This is the first day and night Haywood and I have spent without Teka in over 5 years. Its really weird not to have her with us. Me and Hay dont talk as much as me and T do. She the busy one out of the group, the mover and shaker.
When I called the pound and humane society I could tell they were putting on a Truman show for me. I dont even think they filed a lost dog report for me. I wonder if the lady at the chip company even updated my phone number for me. What’s worse than someone having her is her sitting alone in a pound and no one calling me. To live through so much and go through so many people to end up alone and abandoned again. That hurts my heart so badly. I want my baby back.
I realized so much today about my family and what my Dad has been up to for my whole life. Ever since coming to Bend/Redmond I have figured out so much. I just came here to get the Republicans to drop out of the war against me. I have figured out so much more than I bargained for. T, Hay and I did a three day fast when we first got here. So me and Hay are going to do it again. We are the ones with more chub and health problems to fix, may as well be productive.
My family wants me to do all the fancy footwork to fund Teka like passing out flyers etc. But its Tryman show, just like when I turn in resumes. Even if someone knows something they won’t tell me or help me. My only hope is the farmers finding her for me. And honestly I don’t know if they are sold on the importance of helping me find the second living being on earth who ever loved me back. I dont think people understand. My family understands that’s why they took her. I was never supposed to know love. Love has made me more revolutionary.
Today I realized my Dad has set everything up to eliminate the Kudearoffs. And he has planned and set everything up to eliminate any checks and balances for him. So he can build a Berlin wall and block out the Hispanic people. Pretty crazy.
I dont kniw if the southern LA farmers understand how huge this is, not only for them, but for the world. It’s scary that my Dad has gotten this far without people really realizing what he’s doing. He keeps them busy with other things so people don’t question the big picture. And people rarely think logically these days. Shoot I’m logic brain based and I never really thought of it all before.
So I offered the farmers to unite and I team up with them not only in the covert world, but the overt world too. It’s not safe for me to be alone. I have been alone for years now. Literally just me and my dogs since 2017. It’s been hard. But I spent my childhood alone so this is not new just unexpected.
I hope so badly for this all to turn out well. I have seen my happy ending. I have felt it. But in this moment it seems so far fetched even to me. I just want to have a good life and have my family or actually my Dad stop taking things away from me that I love and value. I want to love freely and enjoy parts of life. I want to be ordinary. And here today I offered to team up with the Southern LA farmers and I think they must have quite the reputation because they can tell my Dad no. They should probably scare me. But they dont. Continuing to live like this does. Living without my Teka that does. Humans who believe in potential even if they have partaken in some destruction dont scare me. They represent hope. Potential was the first thing my Dad stole from me. And he stole that before I was ever born when he married my mom and premeditated fir me to be a weapon of destruction against not only my own family, but the farmers and everyone in the world that he seemed lesser than.
Kind of a dark day. But good news I started my period and I’m only a couple days late so even though they have been warring on my reproductive organs they are still doing decent. Better than when I went to Washington last. It is heavy bleeding though so there is some damage happening. Too much info I know but I gotta talk to someone about these things.
I have lost a decent amount of weight since being in Eastern Oregon and being in the sun and heat. It feels good. However my skin is not rebounding like it used to. The kidney damage and the C Diff infection that have gone all over the place this year have been hell on my body. The past 5 years have been hell on my body. I started the year fasting and got down to 120ish. I had a huge C Diff flare and my ph went alkaline when I was eating cooked food at Amber’s and I got up to 160ish. And my arms and legs were so very swollen. I think like never before or close to the big flare I had in 2017. I am so tired of being destroyed I’m willing to team up with people who are known for destruction. However, I dont think they will destroy me. I believe they understand the logic of keeping me alive so I can have children and raise those children. Plus I hope they see the value of keeping my brain around. I have seen my future and its bright and there is a beach and Teka is there. I have to believe in the quantum field and justice and a happy ending for me. My happy ending isn’t romantic love like most movies. Its freedom and the unconditional love of my children. I have always wanted children. But I knew they would be taken from me just like everything I have ever loved. I didn’t understand logically but the feeling in my heart was too real. I dont want to live in fear of having my heart destroyed any longer. Most people just give up using their to avoid this feeling, but I need love. Everyone needs love. We die when we give up on love. My dogs taught me that. So I refuse to give up on love. I may have to take the most untraditional route to unconditional love, but I’m going to get there. Eyes on the prize.
So today was weird. I miss T and I want to cry but that won’t help or change anything. Freaking out won’t help or change anything. I just have to keep going and believe in the feeling in my soul that says everything is going to work out be patient. Hay and I just have to fast and lay in the sun and enjoy/endure the extreme heat. Tomorrow is 106, so that might be a little rough, but laying in the grass in the shade is grounding and good for our electro magnetic fields. Aka the soul.
I feel sad, but they have had all kinds of traffic going by with E poisons and the evil poison that makes my teeth numb. However the world got quiet today when I talked about my dads big picture plans. It’s weird to know so much, but not understand that I know so much. I know but I often dont kniw I know more than you all. It’s the Autism, I dont kniw what I know all too often. And I sure as hell have no clue what all you all know.
Today I am craving a hug. I dont crave physical affection much but it is soothing to the nervous system sometimes with the right person. A1 was soothing to my nervous system when he wanted to be. I miss that. I dont miss sex or romance I miss hugs and having someone there. Sec was always just the price I paid for those things. I’m lonely. It has to be something because this is not a normal feeling for me. I think its feeling the hole that Teka fills in my heart. Hay does too, but he can’t fill a lifetime without human love by himself. Plus, I’m realizing how much the poison is wearing on him. We are like two bumps on a log next to each other. We have been together so long we dont speak much we just are because we have been trying to survive for almost a decade together. Just surviving is draining and its getting to us. But we will keep going and this feeling will move through us and leave in time. It always does.
New Moon happens on Thursday in the early morning. I always pray for amazing things but I almost have come to expect them on new moons and full moons. Dear God, please allow my needs for change to be satisfied this moon phase. I live my life from new moon to full moon and then to new moon again. Always praying this is the one I have been waiting for my whole life. This is the game changer I have earned with my tenacity and patience. Please pray with me that we all get something we deserve this week that is life changing. We all need a little change and motivation to keep going.
Nicole D Graves