So I started thinking last night that maybe the real world looks the same as my Truman show, but the people just act differently. What do you think? I wonder what your lives are like all the time. What does my Dad’s cult look like to you from the outside looking in? Because I am pretty sure they hunt us all.
I went to get a slurpee at my not usual time today. And I got a clean one. However, the ethnic guy from the north working as a cashier tried to get me to let him scan my cup. I use a refill cup because I know letting anyone near my food or drinks just gives them the opportunity to poison me. He wanted to scan my cup because he was mad I got a clean slurpee. He tried to bribe me by saying he would give it to me for 99 cents if I let him scan it. I said no. My Dad’s cult are always shocked when money doesn’t work to control me. I may not have much money or anything in the overt world, but I know how I want to live and that’s what is most important to me.
Last night I did the math about the commission splits for equinox realty. It was the smallest percentage any brokerage has offered me. But they also take care of their agents better than any other brokerage I have met with. It is the perfect spot for people who want to do well but dont want to put much time in to building a business. Especially for people who are new to sales and or real estate. However, I’m not completely new to real estate and I have been in sales for almost 2 decades as an independent contractor. So I like what they have to offer. But after spending 2 months meeting with brokerages I never want to do this again. I want to make a Choice that allows me to grow and make the money I need to farm bacteria.
Even though I could make 15/20k a month after I get going, I know I’m worth more. Because in real estate I can do the work of 2 or 3 or more people. So I wrote an email and asked the owner of we could renegotiate the commission splits when I wow her with my production. I wanted to make sure there was room for me to grow. And I was a bit worried. But today she responded and it was good. She was understanding and open to allowing me room to grow. I always tell you all not to accept less than you are worth. And a lot of times that means being willing to walk away. It’s hard. It’s scary. And it makes you worry about not having enough sometimes. But you got to do it because accepting less than you are worth hurts. It hurts my soul and dampens my spirit. Nothing hurts me the same as knowing I am worth more than the situation I am in. Knowing you are better than your current situation is how you get motivated to change. But accepting less is just going to make you feel like you deserve less.
So I practiced what I preach and it went really well. It has taken me over 2 years to find a new brokerage since I quit the brokerage in southern Arizona because my Dad’s cult members were harassing me there. This week is the end to a very long chapter in my life and I am so grateful it is over. The next phase will be just doing the thing. I have been waiting over two years just to do the thing. I am really excited. But I’m nervous too. But excitement feels the same as anxiety. So maybe I’m just excited.
There is this newer lady who works at the 7-11 I go to. She always starts shaking when she sees me. And of course she poisons my slurpee. I didn’t under what was happening to her until the other day when I had my meeting at Equinox Realty. See the co owner of equinox realty is related to a group or family of French Canadians who have really hurt and abused me. They are related to the certain one in Sacramento and Carla Logan from superior steel. They are a really vicious group of people that have caused me PTSD. I literally had a flashback when I met the co owner of equinox. My cortisol spiked and I was in a fear state with big eyes. My body was preparing for pain when I saw him because he looked like people who had hurt me. I never really paid attention to who people looked like till this revolution. I always treated people as they treated me. But my body literally went into a fight or flight response just because this man looked so much like people who have hurt me so greatly. This is why the new lady at 711 shakes when she sees me. I do look a lot like my Dad and the Kudearoffs. I send her into past memories of hurt. I have more compassion and understanding for this lady than I ever imagined possible now.
I think this is part of why we treat people like the families they are from. We assume just because they look like them they will be like them. Our bodies literally prepare us for pain when we see some genetics. This is programmed into us to protect us. It is darwinism. But it keeps us stuck too. So we all need to work through our trauma. Believe me I have a lifetime of trauma but the stuff that has happened on this revolution is still fresh. With time things always get easier. So maybe we just need to give ourselves some time and work through our pain. Because not everyone in my Dad’s cult looks the same. And just because someone has a family member in his cult doesn’t mean they belong there too. Look at me. I’m my Dad’s daughter and I dont belong to his cult. But I sure give people mini heart attacks. And now that I understand what is happening in their bodies I am going to be more understanding. Because pain is pain. People dont live in fear unless there is a reason. We all need to be more understanding towards each other.
My uncle Jeff Whiddon seems to have more than his fair share of people still fighting this war for my Dad. He is Shelbis father so I suppose I should have understood this more. I may never fully understood who my family is or are. But I don’t believe the people fighting this war understand what they are doing. My #2s will you all.please reach out to the French Canadians who follow my uncle jeff Whiddon. Get them to understand what they are really doing. I would greatly appreciate it.
So I ate again today. This is 4 days in a row. I have not eaten 4 days in a row since January. But I finally realized what is making my organs fail more. I mean if course it’s the poison in the air around me, the people near me always poisoning me, my water is poisoned, and my food is poisoned. But even more than that it’s eating meat every day. See I was a vegetarian most of my adult life. Eating meat is something I started doing to survive in Arizona. However on this revolution I learned how to eat raw beef to stay alive. It has worked wonders for me. But I have healed enough I can eat carbs again. I cant eat meat and carbs everyday. It strains my kidneys. I thought about blue zones where people live the longest. They dont eat meat everyday. I was a vegetarian for almost 20 years and it worked really well for me. It helped me stay alive. So today I just had some crackers to feed my gut bacteria and lower my cortisol. It was wonderful. Now when I eat tomorrow I wont be starving and overeating. Maybe for me my one meal a day is all I need, but I need to skip meat a few days a week. Our gut bacteria make a lot of the vitamins we need. So we just need to feed our gut bacteria and they will take care of us. I’m going to see if I can eat every day and not hurt my kidneys. Because I am happier and healthier since eating carbs. They make me feel better. I just have to stay away from cookies. I love junk food and I can digest it and handle it better than ever before. But it’s not good for my organs. Food is so weird. I have been eating poison my whole life. And I have occasionally gotten clean food on this revolution. It’s been so weird. To actually be able to digest things I never thought was possible is amazing. But it makes me sad because the people I loved poisoned me so much. I literally never knew how you all could eat food like you do. Now I understand my food hasn’t been the same food you all eat. It’s weird.
Today was weird, but good weird. Thank you for letting me ramble. Tomorrow is a new day. And I think tomorrow is the official beginning of a new chapter. Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Nicole D Graves