I’m flicking pissed off. I try my very hardest not to be reactive because it’s a fucking waste of time and energy but sometimes when the moon is in aries you just gotta let it out. They blocked my fucking blog today. I don’t know how I fucking broke into a communication hub with my blog but I did almost a year ago. And my family has been blocking my blog ever since. More than that they have blocked my blogs and my ebooks ever since I started writing. Getting someone from the dark side to offer to host my blog when I started one on the wordpress site itself. They blocked me from writing on there and getting paid. I used to write a magazine column for 3 whole in the wall magazines because I fucking love writing but o have been kept small my whole life and I have so much to fucking share with the world. I have fought tooth and nail to try to get my messages out. I want to teach you all about narcissism and healing cancer and autoimmune diseases. I want to teach and share with you all all the things that have helped and allowed me to stay alive. But how am I ever going to get to do this if I’m forever kept small by people who are jealous of the birthrights they fucking gave me. For chemists sake let me be a normal ordinary human and share my soul with people. I never asked for these fucking birthrights. I have always just asked to be human. They are birthrights if you kill people who don’t go along with your evil agenda. They are fucking death sentences. Heaven forbid I call my family out on being awful people. Heavin forbid I see they are destroying themselves and they aren’t happy or winning either. They are in pain. All of them are in pain. But rather than admit to their pain they would rather blame me for being wrong and telling the truth. Denying the truth and the rules is all they know. Valuing things above humanity is all they know. And they have been kept small in the overt world so they don’t even have that nice of things. Sure they may have money from the war games but they can’t spend it. They all act poor. Because they are poor. They hate themselves and the only way they win is if everyone hates themselves too and agrees to be fucking small.
I am larger than fucking life and I fucking love myself in all my imperfections. No one is going to take away who I am from me. My whole life they have tried to beat me down in every way possible. I’m not fuxking breaking.
Today there was a constant stream of paramedic vehicles near me. Sting doesn’t scare me, getting hurt doesn’t scare me, what scares me is fucking living in this bullshit for the rest of my life. The idea that this is the best it gets is mortifying to me. I have never been able to accept this is even good yet the best. My whole fucking life this has been suffocating and terrifying because I know logically and in my heart that it won’t take much to make this better because this is the fucjibg worst it gets.
When we allow people who are mentally I’ll with cluster b personality disorders to dictate who we should be we become mentally I’ll ourselves. Just because they don’t value their emotional spectrum does not mean I should have to give up mine!
Aren’t you all tried of this shit? Aren’t you ready to revolt? How the fuck do you just stay in line? I have never been able to play small. I stuck at it. What in the world would motivate you to play their games? Why do you all stop to their level knowing it means you miss out on the good things in life, the things that really matter.
How do you do it? Because I never have been able to, let alone want to.
Why do you want to be communist? I thought you all had white pride? I don’t understand so much in life.
Started day in Olympia, stopped in Tacoma, Made my way to North lynwood. Not sure at what point they blocked my blog today, but I still spoke to the people. At some point I need someone to transcribe what I say when addressing them so it can be distributed when my blog is blocked. Can I order you all to do that please. So at least I’m not alone. If you don’t want to change the world with me and follow the rules at least keep me company while I live through hell. 41 years of this bullshit i survived to learn it’s my destiny to save you all because I’m the only one who will fucking stand up to my family. And you all can’t even make them follow the rules or kick them out if the game for cheating. What the fuvk would my great grandfather do Hitler? What would my grandma Kudearoff do? I know my grandma Kudearoff would kill people for doing less than her children have gotten away with. I never really knew her as a leader or war games fancy person. But if she was alive and she saw them doing what they do she would kill them. I doubt want to spend my life figuring out how to kill my family because i have the smarts to do and fo it well. I grew up with them torturing me, they should fear me because they are cowards. None of them could endure what i have endured. None of them were brave enough to hold onto their heart. None of them are as smart as me because they gave up their emotional spectrums when they turned to the dark side and chose to value destruction over everything. Destruction cost them Everything. You should have seen what a mess they were after they killed my grandma Kudearoff. They were broken children. They still are broken children. IRS sad but they fucking adults breaking the rules to the game they are taught to pride and value being leaders in. That’s not leadership. That a fuvking double standard and just plain unfairness. They preach one thing and yet do another because there is no fucking accountability. They fucking out lives their power and yet here they are playing the covert war games and breaking all the rules and you all just allow it because you are scared. If I was you I would be more scared if what will happen when you allow this to continue. My life is just a preview to all your lives when the rules are disregarded. I’m just a preview of your future. Now that’s truly scary. That’s what you should really be fearing in this moment. That’s your true why if you do not value better in this moment.
If fear runs your life more than your heart. Then your why is you don’t want to live a life like mine. Because this is what happens when my family is allowed to preach the rules but not required to live by them.
Nicole D Graves