I’m mad, I’m sad, I’m hurt, I’m frustrated, I’m crying. Last night my phone told me I have lymphoma. My Dad or someone controls my phone to give me hints and block my access to the real world. Every aspect of my life is a Truman show. Its frustrating to say the least.
I knew there was something wrong with my lymphatic system and I knew my breast cancer had spread to my lymphatic system. But to know I have cancer in my immune system and it will never go away is rough. Its always going to be something I have to deal with. After healing my digestive system so much for years now I still dont get to eat food like real food. My family takes everything from me. I only got implants because they poisoned me so much when I was pregnant the last time my boobs swelled do much that afterwards they were so saggy. I understand now that was my kidneys.
I try so hard not to get upset or to be human and get hurt but it’s hard. I know I should be grateful I cracked the code and found raw meat. I’m beyond lucky. My swelling lymphoma and cysts in my breast have been so much worse before. So much worse. In Arizona I found pharmaceutical worm/parasite pills in Mexico and those saved my life. After I did those for a few months it was a world of difference. Turmeric essential oil made a world of difference too. Now I can survive without those things and be okay. Back then I was always in pain and tired. I used to wake up 2 hours before work just so I could lay in bed for an hour and drink a small pot of coffee. Now I don’t drink caffeine. It’s been so much worse and knowing is better.
I realize now that when my C Diff and Kidneys gets bad that makes my heart fail more and feeds my lymphoma. So I just have to take care of my kidneys and move my lymphatic system every day. Which really isn’t that hard. But the diet part is hard. I was a vegetarian for almost 20 years I miss carbs especially beans. I know its ridiculous to cry over beans and potatoes. But it’s just another freedom I dont have. I really dont have any freedom and I have worked my whole life to be free. Privilege was a cage and at times I miss it. But I felt just as caged as I do now. Maybe if I had known there was no escaping the cage I would have done differently. But then I remember they were literally killing me. I may not ever escape the cage of my birthrights, but I know why the caged bird sings. No one will ever take away my hope.
Maybe I can eat raw meat, beans, and French fries and then just fast for a few days. Today is day 9 of fasting. I have never made it this far before. And my skin is way tighter than when I just did alternate day fasting and lost weight earlier this year. I know it seems dumb to worry about my skin. But my skin helps move my lymphatic system. Tight skin removes toxins from your body. Its important to have right skin. Its not just vanity, its humanity. And the smaller I am the less my heart has to work to get blood to all my body. However, I miss food. I’m addicted to it in a weird way. Just like I’m addicted to water and air. I’m so tired of having my humanity used against me. I’m human I’m not willing to be less than.
So I dont really mind having to be healthy for the rest of my life because I enjoy it, but I do miss food. I just have to figure it out. There are tons of people who are carnivores and just eat meat. But I can’t eat cooked meat. Potatoes are a toxin but I love them and digest them well. Beans were a staple in my life because I was vegetarian for so long. It’s all about comfort food. I realized I turned to food again in 2017 when my family took everything from me again. I dont know how I’m going to get anything back. Honestly I would love some people to take care of and them take care of me. I suppose that’s what a family should be. I have Haywood and I know that should be enough. But it’s just not. I need a human. I’m not so much lonely as I am human. I am so tired of denying my humanity to stay alive. I’m sure you all can relate.
So I just have to figure out the food part of this equation of my life. However I’m not willing to give up how good I look or feel. My organs are working better than they have since I got to Oregon this year. I just have to figure out how to maintain this through everything. Haywood looks great too. His lupus must be similar to lymphoma because we seem to have a lot of the same issues. I dont want to poison him with beans and potatoes because he seems to flare when we eat them. But they make him so happy. I can relate.
Fasting is almost easier because I just dont have to deal with the madness and the uncertainty and poisoning myself trying to find balance between comfort and necessity. I just need to find some other sort of comfort in my life I suppose. But what is the real question?
Gotta move my lymphatic system. My interview this morning went shitty. Why do people who are so privileged in the war games get greedy and join my Dads cult in an effort to get more privilege? Is this what Kris and Brenda did? It cost them everything literally everything.
Nicole D Graves