Wednesday January 18th 2023 Moon in Sagittarius Sun in Capricorn nighttime journal entry rambles

Day 659… Today I passed my Oregon real estate license test for the state. It was nothing like what the course was about. But I expected that. And the people and cars on the way to the testing center got me very high on e poisons this morning. Cars where speeding by the testing center the whole time I was there. The poisons that cause brain damage and cause me to have fingers and toes that go numb are intense the past couple days since I got help getting people to stop burning the poisoned firewood. There is just more poison in the cars now. Which isnt even my Dad’s call. My aunt Susan is the one who is supposed to control the gas. I’m not the only one my Dad has stolen from. I’m one of many. That doesn’t make me feel better. I guess it makes me mad.

Today after I passed the test, I came out and checked my phone and started battling more to be treated fairly in the overt world. I’m disputing the charges for a car warranty I bought last year and its been an ordeal to say the least. I could tell the world wanted to celebrate after I passed my test. But it’s hard to celebrate anything when people are constantly poisoning me. What would I be celebrating? It would just be celebrating my ability to allow someone else to attempt my murder. It all feels the same no matter how fancy the surroundings. I didn’t even shower today. I paid to take the exam. I don’t have to put on a show and pretend the world isn’t trying to kill me. I have put on that show my whole life. That was the Truman show that occupied most of my time my whole. I have tried to look normal and like people weren’t destroying me my whole life. I thought I did okay. But looking back everyone saw what was happening. I felt it but I didn’t see it. Because I was conditioned not to see it. But feelings dont lie.

So this evening I connected with more leaders. I made it halfway across the nation. Now that I dont have schoolwork to do. I need to finish connecting with the world. And I need to finish the United states first. No pressure right? Just reaching out to everyone because that’s what its going to take to get people to be human. The regular people who dont have fancy birthrights are more dangerous than those with fancy birthrights. Because they dont understand what they are doing or fighting for. No one really understands what they are fighting for. I dont want people to have to live like I have. But I think if they experienced it for a day or a week they would be a lot smarter about their decisions. These regular people aren’t fighting to survive. They are fighting to be seen and earn privilege. I have never had privilege. So I understand wanting it. But why are so many people so adverse to actually earning their privilege in the overt world? Why is that such a foreign concept? The only privileges I ever had were ones I earned in the overt world that my Dad could not take from me. I lived really small for most of my life. Books have been a privilege that I have had to fight for. Even getting my library card here in Eugene was something I had to fight for. It wasn’t easy to figure out the destruction of the world. But just like creating this revolution, I didn’t have another option. I am not fancy or superhuman. I have just been put in a life circumstance without many options. And I’m determined to live a normal ordinary life. I don’t care how many people tell me no. I deserve to be ordinary. If that means I have to spit out children in order to be ordinary I guess that’s what the going price is. At least I was smart enough to not have children sooner. I always knew they would be taken from me. I was never able to provide security for myself enough to feel safe enough to have children. Everything I have ever loved has been stolen from me. I knew better and I’m so blessed I listened to those feelings. I saved the world by listening to my guts and soul. I suppose I have saved the world a few times by listening to my guts and soul and God.

So connecting with the rest of the world this week. Can you imagine how overwhelming that feels? Mexico was great and amazing at jumping on board with being revolutionary. But how will the rest of the world react? Do they know I’m alive even? I doubt it. I suppose I can finish reaching the United states and then worry about the world. Maybe I can just do it all at once? Do you think that could happen? It would really save a lot of time. Time is something I dont have a lot of. So maybe we can try it. It makes sense. It’s kind of an urgent situation and people are pretty understanding so maybe that will work. Tomorrow is a great day to reach the world. I dont know what to say but my standard news update could work. I could spell out the destruction for everyone again. That always seems to be powerful.

I suppose I should attempt to do laundry again and shower at some point soon. Sounds painful, but it something I need to get used to doing more often if I’m going to work again. My Dad is always implanting ideas into my head to relax and waste time. He has wasted my life and he wants me to take it easy. There is nothing easy about my life currently. What is there to enjoy and take easy? I want out of this hell. And I’m going to earn my way out. I just need some help. And I guess I need the help of the world. Why does my life have to be so complex? I just want to be ordinary, but I have to address the world tomorrow. Can you imagine having to talk to the world and get their permission to be ordinary and regular? I hate this so much. I have to explain my pain to the world. Its embarrassing and hard. Everyone already has a front row seat to my logical thoughts may as well get the whole world in my head. Its suffocating like there isnt ever any room for me between the war games the mafias and my Dad. Now I gotta invite the whole world in. Come look at my pain and my suffering. This is what I have to do to get ordinary. When it works it will be worth it. But right now it’s just painful. But what are my other options? I dont have any other options. So tomorrow I invite the world into my head. If you all are listening. Get all the leaders from all over the world to tune in tomorrow. Let’s make this worldwide. Make sure and get the rest of the United states and Canada for sure. Argentina too. Tomorrow we go worldwide. It’s already crowded in my head, but there is room for more if it helps us accomplish our revolution. We deserve better. And one day someone is going to help me stop broadcasting my thoughts into radio waves. It keeps me alive now, but one day I want my mind to be mine again. You all have to promise me one day someone will help me get my mind back to just myself. I will invite the world in so we can get better for everyone. But you all have to promise me you will help me get peace of mind when we get better. There has to be someone in the world who can turn this chip in my head off without cutting my head open again. Promise me you all will help me get peace of mind after I’m safe. Tomorrow we address the world because we all deserve better. And it’s going to take the world to get it. Get all the leaders to tune in tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day. It’s going to be revolutionary. I’m not sure what to expect but let’s hope for good things.

Sweet dreams of realities of the future.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

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