I realized today tampons have a chemical that changes the ph balance of your whole body to more alkaline. My Mom always told me they had chemicals, but I never imagined they would be such an act of destruction. Especially because these are some of the cleaner ones I have had this year/lifetime. Normally my family gets people to poison my tampons before I buy them or by breaking into my Jeep.
I found new cardboard for my bed in the Jeep today at the school I have been camped out at in Redmond. The cardboard I got in Northern California last year lost its comfortably because I have slept on it so much. However, I have to just find cardboard when I run across it randomly because my family will poison it if I consciously look for it.
A police officer visited me again today and tried to get me to move to a different parking lot. The people around here have been calling in about me going pee outside. Do you realize public bathrooms are an act of destruction? You either touch chemicals that destroy your microbiome and good bugs or you get antibiotic resistant bacteria and who knows what else.
However, today I took an amazing nap. It felt so good to actually caught up on my sleep. The poisons have been really strong the past month or so. And I laid in the sun some more and continued with my fasting. I may not be able to purchase anything to help with my ph but I can fast and that helps some along with laying in the sun. I just got to do what I can.
The world has changed, my Truman show has changed again. But I worry the world won’t change fast enough. I understand I am asking a lot, but people are stuck in a freeze response. Animals do this to assess the situation. However I think humans do it because they are overwhelmed and stressed out by everyday life. When something of this magnitude happens it takes a lot to take action. Freezing is human, but to stay frozen is something that will just add to the problem.
I still haven’t found the right words to motivate the farmers in southern La or maybe all of them. They have lived this war just like me, but they also have been taught civility and been kept manageable with privilege materialism and social norms. My mirror neurons dont work the same as everyone else’s. So I can blame people for wanting to do what their brain tells them is right. However, I’m not going to stop trying to find the right words.
This whole revolution has been about finding the right words. 484 days of finding the right words. Actually a lifetime of finding the right words because these feelings have always existed inside me.
I tried to figure out what I am missing. I know my life is motivating you all not to take action. I have been a training tool my whole life. Even for the Kudearoff family. I can’t help what my Dad does to me.
I tried to figure out how to protect the farmers from my Dad, but I have nothing. I can’t even protect myself or my dogs. I’m completely at the mercy of the farmers because my family has created a situation for me where I am alone and vulnerable and unable to earn money. I represent chaos. I may be one of the smartest people you have ever heard talk, but I am still being kept small by my circumstances. Can you imagine what I could do with a little support or with a support system. Yesterday I wanted a hug. That passed, but today I want to find my people.
I know the farmers are my people. When I was in Santa Barbara I told Mr. Utah it was his destiny to be revolutionary with me. He has south American farmer epigenetics. I didn’t have all the pieces, but I just speak from the heart and everything always adds up in time. Mr. Utah is scared of my Dad. My Dad tormented him after we dated and during quite a bit. Mr. Utahs family has a lot to loose. They have been invested in privilege for generations. I never found the right words with him either. I understand his fear. It’s his amyglada damage and the world my Dad created that we all live in but it’s more of an existence. We aren’t alive. We just grasp to maintain. How are you all going to maintain through everything my Dad has planned? I really want to know how the farmers are planning to get through this all. If you all aren’t going to be revolutionary with me overtly and kind of rude the line of the covert war rules, how are you going to survive and maintain this all? Have you thought that far ahead? Because inaction is action.
Let’s play this out. My Dad already has you all committing covert genocides with the food and animals you grow and raise. You all do the dirty work. He just had some research done, genetically modified somethings, and changed the protocols you all abide by. You all are the SS soldier of World War 3. You all just didn’t know it all the way. I know you all know the food system is set up to destroy people. You just didn’t know the extent or that you were unable to escape it, down to a gene level.
So here you are with blood on your hands and some is even your own blood. What’s next for you all? How are you going to maintain? What’s your plan? As I see it you are just as helpless as everyone else when it comes to my Dad. You follow his orders in efforts to maintain. But have you been maintaining. Farming was a really profitable and earnest living in the early 1980s. Are you as comfortable financially and ethically as you were in the early 1980s? I think you have taken a pay cut and also allowed your ethics and boundaries to be eroded over the past 40 years. Does that feel like maintaining? Because to me that seems like a downward spiral. And yet here you stand with your own blood on your hands lying to yourselves that you are maintaining. I get it I like to lie to myself sometimes. It’s hard to face the truth.
I didn’t remember the sexual abuse of my childhood. It’s a coping mechanism for survival. However at 18 it all flooded back at once and I had the biggest breakdown of my life. How could people do this to anyone? How could the world be so cruel? How am I supposed to be strong enough to overcome this all? Every man in my life raped me. It was overwhelming and confusing and beyond hurtful. Now it’s manageable. However when it flooded back all at once I was paralyzed and stuck in a freeze response. Trauma is overwhelming because I was just trying to survive and maintain my daily life. It was overwhelming.
Farmers right now you are experiencing the flood of realizations about the world we all live in and your part in the destruction. Its overwhelming and it’s making you freeze. I dont think most of you signed up to commit and perpetuate genocides when you agreed or decided to carry on your family tradition of farming. The world wasn’t like this in the early 1980s. This is the world my Dad created. And unfortunately you all were the first to help him create this world. Food was one of the first things to change. About 1987, food started to noticeably change. I was 6 and I remember it. Do you remember it? Do you remember the changes you were required to make? Hiw many generations of your family have blood on their hands because of my Dad?
You all are the executioners of the genocides that my Dad has created. That has to feel heavy. Did you know you were creating world war 3? Did you know you were killing people every time they ate your food?
I’m not trying to shame you or make you feel bad. I’m trying to get you to see the situation at hand for what it is. How are you going to maintain being an executioner? Is this something your children will be okay with following in your footsteps to carry on? Are you going to be able to sleep at night knowing what you now know? How do you maintain being an executioner? Especially knowing my Dad has you right where he wants you and he can pretty much make you do anything he wants? How are you supposed to protect the people if you can’t protect yourself? What’s going to enable you to say no to even bigger demands of destruction from my family? Not only my Dad, but also my Brother.
From what I see there is no maintaining for you all. You either give into the destruction and help perpetuate and increase it as my Dad and Brother intend to. Or you become revolutionary with me. There is no in between as you all would like to believe. There is no maintaining. There is only action and inaction.
I remember what it feels like to be frozen like you all are. Its painful and hurtful. But I promise you all if you dont snap out of it and quickly the pain will just get worse. You will end up doing more things that create more of a reason to be frozen. You will create more pain for us all and not because you are trying to but because you are trying to maintain the impossible. Maintaining is not an option. It would be nice if maintaining was an option but everything has been declining since the early 1980s. We can’t escape what is, no matter how much we wish it to be different. We have to create the change we wish to see.
Please wash the blood off your hands and help stand up to my Father. I may not be able to protect myself, but I can help protect you all. I can protect you all because I have a direct line of communication with the people. The people who consume your products they will help me to support and protect you all. They may not be able to overtly support me, but they can overtly support you all. I will have this open line of communication with the people till the day I die, no one can take it from me. I have created lemonade out of the lemons my life and family have dealt me. I want to help you all do the same. We can overcome this mess. I know I can find the solutions we desire and need. I’m a natural born problem solver. My brain and nervous system allow me to see things other people dont see. Just like when I figured out World war 3 the other day. I just have to look at the pieces and they come together. I can do this for you all too. Please let me do this for you all. I may never get to sell real estate again, but I’m never going to stop being a problem solver. Once you all can tell me the facts I can find a solution that works for us all. It might be a lot of little solutions that add up to big change. But as I see it, change is your only option.
I may not be able to sell insurance for real ever, but you know what I could still visit your farms and you all could tell me how I can help make your lives better. The people know supporting you all is the only way for us to get out of this mess. I just have the communication tools and the birthrights fo help facilitate this change. Plus, I have a hell of a fancy brain. No one else has been able to endure this much destruction from my Dad. Allow me to share my expertise with you all.
Being accountable for the part you have had in creating world war 3 means changing your actions. If you keep doing as you have been and maintaining you are telling us all that what you have done is acceptable and we are not worth fighting for. You are saying your children are not worth fighting for. You are saying you are okay with continuing to be the executioner for us all.
Really think about everything, but especially what your inaction will mean not only for you and your families, but for us all.
Nicole D Graves