Wednesday September 7th 2022 moon in Aquarius Sun in Virgo A Family Of Middle Men

Wednesday September 7th 2022 Moon in Aquarius Sun in virgo A Family of Middle Men

Did you know both sides of my family have middle men in them? My Dad has a younger step sister who must be a famous or fancy middle men. See my Dad’s mom divorced my Grandpa Graves when my Dad was younger. She then married my Grandpa George Lippe and he had a daughter Susan Lippe(I forget what her last name is since she married) Its Walker. Susan Walker.

My Grandpa George Lippe was the only Grandpa I really knew on my Dads side. I only saw my Grandpa Graves on two different occasions. George was my Grandpa. However there was always this strange tension between my Dad and grandpa Lippe. So let’s talk it out.

My Grandpa Lippe owned gas stations when my Dad was younger. In high school my Dad managed some of these gas stations. My Dad was older than the other kids in his grade because he spent part of his childhood in Argentina and he didn’t speak Spanish so school was pretty useless for him. Especially because he was Dyslexic so badly they considered him special. This is why he told you all I was special because he knows how it feels and that no one wanted to take him seriously. So he imposed this pain on me.

The middle men have some control over the car industry still, but they are loosing their footing. They also have control over the gas industry, but my Dad has found a way to make them like the farmers and controls the prices for gas just as the price for food. So maybe the leaders of the middle men aren’t farmers, but instead gas station owners and people in the car industry. This makes sense completely based on my lifetime Truman show. You all control the automobiles and gas industries. I think you all control the natural gas, solar energy, and wind turbine energy industries as well. However, my Dad has found a way to control you all, just like the farmers and the Koreans. I still dont know how my Dad controls the Koreans but there is a reason we do not have Korean businesses in Eugene Springfield anymore. That puzzle is for another day.

So the middle men are family. On both sides of my family. How has my Dad convinced you all to be his cult followers? He views you all as less than, never being able to add up to his expectations or ideals. Yet, you all carry out his wishes the most and with pride. How has he done this to you all? What has he done to you all? He replaced your God with himself. He set unrealistic expectations that you will never be able to reach. He shamed you for not being enough and never adding up. He made you feel less than and like you need to explain yourself and justify your short comings that really aren’t short comings at all. In doing all of this you all forever feel misunderstood and this creates a trauma bond where you desire to prove and show your own worth by demonstrating your ability to destroy everyone around you.

You know how I know how he has made you manageable and small? He has done all these things to me. Your not special this is what my Dad does to everyone he wants to control by making them feel less than. This is what he did to the Kudearoffs. This is what he did to my uncles whi married into the Kudearoffs. This is how he got them to kill their parents. This what he has done to my Brother. My Dad does this to all if us. It’s not rocket science, it’s just manipulation and mind control/brain washing. Its human nature to want to prove yourself. We all want to be valued for what we bring to the table. However, we all will never be able to prove ourselves to my Dad or the systems he created because he created these systems around the belief that we are less than. You cant change a foundational belief in a system without changing the system. No matter how hard you try to prove yourself in the current systems you will never be enough. No one has ever been enough for my Dad, no one. The whole world has tried for decades to prove they worthy to him. Yet, here we are all unworthy together. But we are still being held back by people trying to prove themselves to the systems that destroyed them. It’s a textbook trauma bond situation. How do we make this psychology work for us?

I have spent a lifetime trying to overcome my trauma bonds. I have never known human love. And my Dad doesn’t want you all to know human love either. Because if you know love he won’t be all powerful in your world because love conquers all. When you have felt true love you know what false love feels like. Its empty and doesn’t warm your heart and it doesn’t want the best for you.

I want you all to know human love. I love you all and have proven that over the past 500 days. I have worked hard, sacrificed everything, and moved mountains to contact you all to warn you what is happening. I want the best for you all because I know none of us have experienced the best or even what we deserve. If I thought anyone was able to obtain the best or what you deserve from my Dad I would be honest and admit it. But look at my Dad, death follows him everywhere. His wives Kris and Brenda are dead because they allowed him close, too close. My Mom died when she killed my Grandma Kudearoff when I was 8. My grandma Kudearoff was the only one who could protect my mom too. However my mom was too drunk on power to see that she needed protection. My brother has never gotten to live. He still lives in the bedroom I grew up in. He has never escaped. He may know the war games but he has no clue about the overt world. And he’s not safe to travel like I have been. I may not know a lot of things, but I have seen the world. I have tried my hardest to be a good person despite everything. I have been close to death many times in my life, but I never really understood it. I never understood this closeness to death being my strength. See when my Dad gave me head surgery, he gave me a connection to the other side. I never talked about it much at all until this adventure and figuring out what happened when I had my head surgery. This is why I can hear the world changing. I can hear the inside of your bodies. I can feel everything more than my Autism is supposed to allow. It’s weird but it has allowed me a connection not only to my Grandma Kudearoff but to many of her friends. Ewa was one of her best friends in Oregon when I was little. She was my Aubt Lydia’s God mother. Ewa survived the death marches in world war 2. She was one of those children who walked across countries and survived and got to come to America. She was one of the lucky ones. Funny what we consider lucky huh? I never really spoke to Ewa much when she was alive. But last year I spoke to her a lot. My Grandma told me she would help me while I was in Santa Fe and then Came here to Oregon. It was confusing because my Grandma Kudearoff had been with me since my head injury. When I hit my head I found her in the after life. She and all her friends there pushed me back. They told me I wasn’t done and I had to go back. My life was awful then so you only imagine the fit I threw. No way in hell did I want to go back. My life was filled with pain and for the first time the pain had stopped. My nervous system did not hurt in the afterlife. There was no pain there. But they wouldn’t let me stay. So here I am and I finally realized why they pushed me back last year. In Vegas when I was dying of cancer and I heard God say I was not done with my purpose I wonder if that was my Grandma Kudearoff and her friends there. Because as time has gone on throughout my life her friends have gotten really big in numbers. Her friends are you all’s relatives and ancestors. They have a steak in what is happening right now. They know they made mistakes that have allowed this all to happen. They are just as invested in the outcome of world war 3 as they were world war 2. Me and my ancestors and your ancestors have been waiting a lifetime for me to be able to communicate with you all. I promise if you could win by following my Dad and you were able to prove yourself it would have happened by now. I understand it’s scary to realize you have been made to feel small, but really it was just a lie. You aren’t small and you are worthy and you dont need to prove yourself. You just need to stop trying to prove yourself and just be you.

I am not a swill merchant. I have nothing to prove to anyone. I have ensured my spot with our ancestors just by being me and listening even when I really did not want to. I understand when doing the right thing makes you feel like throwing a fit. I have literally been there most of my life. I understand pain and wanting to make others hurt. However, I understand love and wanting to make other feel love too.

You will never be enough for my Dad. No one ever has been. No one who gets close to him escapes alive. I’m closest to escaping him anyone has ever gotten. Look at me, is this what you wish for? I promise it’s not fun or comfortable. The scary part is I have experienced way worse than this. Have you experienced worse than this? Because I want to tell you some wisdom I have learned from surviving my Dad. No one will ever be enough for him. Because he’s not enough for himself. He is still that little boy who paid dearly for his birthright and was never supposed to be in a place of power. His mom and older sister had the power he coveted. And yet he was the one sent to special education who was labeled special and tossed aside. He lied on his application to get into the military. He was that desperate to prove himself. He still is that hurt boy just trying to prove himself but he never will be able to because he has to prove himself to himself first. When you follow a leader who views himself as unworthy you will never be worthy. I wish it could be different for all of us, even my Dad. I love him. I love my family. They all have hurt me the most, but I love them. And I love you all. I want what is best for everyone. However, we are never going to be enough for my family but especially my Dad. If there was a way to make things work within the systems my Dad has created one of us would have found it. But no one has. I need you all to believe me when I say we will never be enough for him. I won’t be enough. My brother will never be enough. And you all will never be enough. I wish it was different but it’s not and we cant change him. However we can change our beliefs and our actions. We can choose to honor ourselves and not someone who deems us all inadequate. We are enough and we deserve better. We don’t need to prove this to anyone. Seeing your own value means no longer feeling the need to prove yourself to others. Especially other who will never deem you worthy.

Please just stop playing my Dads cult games. It’s not even war games anymore. It’s just a cult game that only survives if you are willing to continue trying to prove yourself worthy to someone who will never see your worth.

Love Always

Nicole D Graves

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