Do you know what it is like to know Stokholmes Syndrome better than love? Frustrating, because as a logical human I know I should Not have all these kind feelings for people who have repeatedly tried to destroy me. The only real people in my life that have not been orchestrated by my family cult are my family cult. Talk about a double edged sword of irony, huh?
Also take into account, if anyone else fails at “controlling me”, they get the wrath in one way or another. There is always freewill and romantic indevores seem to be a reoccuring and inefficient detour of sorts, just based on my life experience. So, now do you understand how I have ended up back here in Springfield/Eugene. I see everyone asking, “Why here, of all places?” To my family I am just another family member to a certain extent. In the rest of the world, I make people experience a fear/cortisol reaction because of the ramifications I am associated with. No matter how much I like or dislike people there will always be the many people who participate in making my Truman Show. And the closer to me the people get the more likely my family will ask them to partake in their war games. My family are all already playing war games, so they are easier to predict based on past actions.
And let’s be real. I am creating a reality that helps comfort my nervous system, because being stressed is a way to perpetuate disease. I need to be kind to my body and focus on me. It is time to rebuild and that starts with my physical being starting biologically with my guts literally. I ate potato chips today for the first time since Texas and yah they were okay but they just are not worth the guilt and extra exercising. I have gained ten pounds from being home and it is time to get off the dairy train. Omg so much cheese, cheese on everything, and sour cream too! I have eaten so much since being here and I need to stop. I have gotten back into my intermittent fasting this week and god it helps me feel centered and like their is purpose to my day. Eating all day and watching movies is just not something I am good at, I did that for years when I was sick just waiting to feel better. Now that I can get out of bed everyday, I feel so blessed and lucky. Some times the little win’s turn out to be the big wins, because it was all the little wins with my health that led me to the big win of most autoimmune remission. Sure, I still have a reaction to eating nightshades, but do I always have a full fledged flare to them, No. Life and healing are all about progress and time. Give things time and they normally get better, if you are heading in the right direction. Life is an interesting journey that will never change and cannot always be planned for.
Love Always with Rants & Raves