Write down www.YouDeserveToHeal.Com so that when my Dad dies you all can check out my blog and read through this crazy adventure I have been on from the beginning. Yes, this is a blog on the internet and not just another journal. BLOG ON THE INTERNET ABOUT THE COVERT WAR WE AREN’T SUPPOSED TO TALK ABOUT.
They poisoned the river with something that makes things glow and makes me tired, instead of the cortisol punch stuff. It is kind of a nice change, everything slowed down and emotions come into the picture. Until I left Arizona in March, I never knew that my family cult was really poisoning me so much. They have done it throughout my life. So, I have always strived to find my zen no matter the situation. But now that I understand it is not me going crazy, but rather my environment allow me to ride the way and see where it takes me! 😀
Do you know how much it sucks to be the only one with an emotional sprectrum in your family?
I had hope for some of my cousins, but I need to loose hope. Not because there is not a chance, but because hope hurts sometimes. However, I know how to fix their brains so they produce dopamine how they should, because I fixed myself, but it would take a lot of work. I love all you guys, I just got to do what is best for my mental health. I would rather be pleasantly surprised when I hear from one of you one day, than forever being hopeful. It keeps me in a weird kinda stasis that is not healthy.
My Mom preys on my hope, but tonight I did ask her to go for a dog walk because I like her when she is not trying to destroy me. She can be fun and she is my Mom, and one day she won’t be around. I understand her more and I could be just like her. I like power and shit gets confusing when you are in a place of power. There are times in my life where I have been in a powerful place and not made the right decisions. I drank alcohol heavily for years, but now I know it has all been to feel in control because they have always been drugging me and changing the poisons here and there. No wonder I have been such a wreck most of my life. I am amazed I have made it this far in life in general. If I would have married A1 I would have turned into my Mom. I liked the life I had with him, but I did not like the way he made me feel. But now I know this had to do with him poisoning me and trying to kill me. So just something else that makes sense.
I am so different than I ever knew I was. Never in my life would I have thought I was this strong. I did not know I was experiencing daily attempted murder for most of my life just to varying degrees. I thought I had bad health and not the best decision making skills, commitment, and drive. My whole life I have picked myself apart because my family taught me how to do it. They programmed me to self destruct in so many ways. It is so eye opening, I don’t even know how to describe it. I am just so much more than I ever thought and that does not even take into account my birthright. That is just freaking confusing. And what would you do if your great Grandpa who you remember visiting as a child turned out to be Hilter? I mean come on, this is just nuts. I have Hitler’s eyebrows, for Christ’s sake! It’s so weird! And the weirdest part is, it is comforting to be so shocked because I always knew they weren’t telling me something. I always kinda thought my parents were semi normal dysfunctional. I never would have guess great evil. I was taught to minimize all my pain so I cant really trust myself to see the whole picture of what they did to me, but I know it wasn’t good to say the least. But see they always told me they were good people and that programmed in and is kind of stuck, even still. I can change the programming in my brain, it will just take some time. I realized all this stuff just in the past seven ish months(Since March) while being on the run from my family cult so it is still all pretty fresh. Good thing they fed me a lot of hallucinagens, so I am used to frying and scrambling up my reality.
But still can you imagine? It is a trip without the drugs they give me, with the drugs it is a double trip because it just makes so much sense.
Okay end of ramble. Thanks for reading my blog posts! I appreciate you all.
Nicole Graves and the Internet