Parking At My Mom’s House

I have found a weird kind of safety parking at my Mom’s house. Her house is toxic and makes my liver hurt and most of her food is poisoned. But she is not to blame. She is living in her own Truman Show just as most of the women in our family. Luckily, I have always been the black sheep so she understands that I question everything. It is just who I have always been and she knows my favorite question has always been “Why?”

My thyroid/throat, chest, and liver hurt when I am in her house for a long period of time. All my binders and vitamins that have been in my Jeep have been poisoned. They give me the lead lips and angry feelings. I have not been this angry in a long time and after reading the past handful of blog posts I know you all can see it too. This is how I felt most of my life. I was a really angry and anxious person. It is so different than the person I have become since I left Oregon.

The cult leaders must have wrote me off as dead until I started speaking out about being on the Autism spectrum and being an INFJ and genius. Why are they so against me being me? It must threaten who they are and what they plan to do. Who else has questioned their mental state after watching content on TikTok? Did you grow up in a family that felt like a cult? Were the men in your family covert narcissists? And the women/Mothers BPD? I would love anyone who can relate to my story to comment and let me know I am not alone.

Xoxo

Nicole

The Truth Sets You Free

My Grandma was the boss lady before my Mom. It took me a bit to come to terms with this fact because my Grandma was the only one who loved me. She is the one who taught me love.

My Mom was unable to even pretend that she loved me and this is what caused everything to fall apart. The root issue is Communism takes love in order to work. We are told we are being destroyed out of love, but when the love is absent it is just plain destroying. This is not a complex equation.

However, toxic people love to blameshift because it is the easy way out. My Mom blamed my Grandma loving me for her inability to control me. I have been the difficult child who was made to believe I was broken, on top of being drugged and never teaching me life skills because they needed control over me to keep their secrets.

Never stop questioning reality! Only people who fear the truth will tell you to stop.

Xoxo

NiZi

Back Home: Where Strangers Are Safer Than Family & Friends

Two younger military looking boys who followed me in Yosemite. I wonder if they even ask for the truth or just follow orders like SS soldiers in WWII?

After being chased by motorcycle gangs and military people through three states, here I am back in Oregon. When I crossed the border people recognized me as if they had been watching my whole escape from Southern Arizona. I know they don’t admire my desire to tenaciously stand up for what is right because currently the dark side is profiting them. They all are just covert in all their interactions because they do not know how to be authentic. Look for the people who pride themselves on social norms. Social norms can be quite deceiving.

After arriving in Eugene/Springfield, I went to see a friend to take a shower. Well, she poisoned me and my dogs with radon in her own house. Do these people not understand they are human too? Her second son is also like me. I realized this today(after over a decade) when she put him down about having suicidal thoughts. No one sane grows up in a family/cult like this and does not think of death.

Realizing that I have lived the Truman Show my whole life and that my family viewed it as a worthy sacrifice is a really weird pill to swallow.

Xoxo

NiZi

Do You Know How Frustrating It Is For Everyone To Know Who You Are, But You?

Until I started taking binders in 2017, I had no clue there was more to my family cult then just them. I bought all the brainwashing. I was born to be enslaved to my family. The fact that I want to live my own life on my own terms is something they are still trying to punish me for.

I have become one of those people who cannot stay in one place too long. People know who I am, they look at me with fear, hate, wonder, and desire. They see something I do not see. I do know it has something to do with having a baby because as a child I was brainwashed to marry a farmer and have 10 kids. My Grandma also had 10 kids.

So here are some pieces that I am still trying to puzzle together:

*Narcissistic Abuse damages your brain and causes it to shrink.

*43% of children will have a chronic illness by the time they are 18. This means women in our society are so engulfed in dark empathy that they cannot even take care of their children in a decent manner.

*Giving into social norms results in accepting learned helplessness, thus leading to dark empathy, and then cluster b personalities.

*My Grandma was a housekeeper at the hospital. She died of lung cancer, but did not smoke.

*A Mexican housekeeper at the apartment complex in Sierra Vista where I lived left a homemade stuffed animals on the stairs outside and it made my chest and face hurt. I think it was radon. They seem to enjoy lead, mold, and radon poisoning. However, the scary thing is it was a replica of the doll I got at Sacred Heart Hospital when I had surgery at eight in Eugene, Oregon.

*My whole family(aunts, uncles, and cousins) went to the pediatrician Dr. Johnson in Springfield, Oregon. Other kids who I went to school with who were like me also went to Dr. Johnson. Just for the record he never healed me of anything only made me worse. They say I got immunizations in half doses and that was the reason for me having twice as many as other kids.

*Housewives have the highest risk of cancer of any occupation. So obviously household cleaners are not as safe as they claim to be.

*Lake Trinity(Father, Son, & Holy Spirit) was a place my parents did cult business. This seems to be tied to cult members in Lake Havasu City. When I interviewed for a real estate position there I met with a lady my Mom knows.

*There are military and communist people following me. The military people will never be as vicious as the people raised communist, but they still have a great desire to kill and destroy.

*My parents played ET repeatedly for me as a child. I am unsure if they told me or if it was just implied that I would be studied if I ever said anything about being smart.

I know this all sounds crazy. That is why I have waited so long to write about this. Ever since I reached out to 34 random brokers looking for a real estate position it has gotten extremely worse. Finally, I am ready to admit that I am genius, INFJ, and have Aspergers. Why is it such a problem for me to be me?

Death Of People Who Have Tried To Kill Me & Failed

At the age of 4, I broke my whole family/cult because they do not live in reality and I like to speak the truth. Well, I have been paying for that one comment ever since. Looking back over my life, I realize quite a few people die after I leave them behind. It’s funny they sign up to help kill me and it is the end of them, rather than the end of me. Reminds me of the Budha quote, “Holding onto anger is like holding onto a hot coal…”

So, I just left behind another cult I found in Southern AZ(Chantilly Virgina area is another one). It starts in Sierra Vista and goes all the way down to the Mexican border through Hereford and Bisbee. The further south people live, the more beat down they look and they do not even try to hide their dark empathy. It was shocking to “accidentally” find another reality that matched the sick realty that I grew up in.

I will never understand why people choose to live like this? But I do think it has something to do with pain. Would you rather be the one inflicting the pain or would you rather experience the pain? I don’t know if there is right answer. How about we just opt out of pain, that sounds like the superior option.

The past couple years, I have experienced people creating pattern interrupts in my life to slow me down and confuse me because with my genetic modifications I am very flow and routine based. They were trying to tell me that I did not belong in the world, their world. It was a lot cause I have overcome a ton in the past few years. I healed cancer naturally while I was in Southern Arizona. I just want to be me and be a good person, why do these people have to keep messing with me? If they would have left me alone, I would not have continued to put the pieces of my past together.

Please allow me a moment of humanity. God says, “Eye for an eye.” Revenge is not evil, hurting people is evil. However, we all need a shadow to protect us. Perhaps, that is what is wrong with the cult members. They never feel safe enough to take their shadow down. Anyways, what do you think will happen to the cult members who harassed me while I was in Southern Arizona? They are all serial killers, covert killers, but they don’t see their worth(Ironic, they don’t see their worth so they have no problem harming another because they must be worthless too, right?). Until people recognize their ability to be bright and shiny without conforming to darkness, I cannot hold onto hope for them. I also do not wish death or harm on them, even though they would have been grateful for my death.

Xoxo

NiZi

Growing Up In A Cult In The 1980s

Blogging has kept me safe in the past, so let’s try this again. Warning, I have totally turned into a conspiracy theorist. Everything is connected.

I was raised in a Russian Orthodox cult in Springfield, Oregon. My Mom is the cult leader who followed my Grandpa, but she failed at turning me. I am a 3rd(maybe more) generation genetically modified human. I was meant to lead next. Sounds crazy, right? I know, I wish it was.

There are people/children like me all over the nation. I want you all to know you are not alone, you are worthy of the life of your dreams, and you are capable of love. We are all children of God and he does not make mistakes, he makes us with divinity.

As a child they told me, “God is your only friend.” Well with my genetic modifications(lead and mold and maybe radon exposure during pregnancy cause Aspergers), I did not understand this as a threat and took it literally. So during my 16 years of imprisonment in different bedrooms in different houses, I talked to God. Don’t get me wrong, we had some fights along the way and I went silent on him a lot, but he was always there. My God is different than the God I was taught about though. My God is logical and wants the best for everyone. Maybe some people are talking to the Devil and they just get confused?

So here we go again. Let’s try to figure out people together and see if I come any closer this time. As I learn to cope with the lead and mold that these people dish out as punishment better, my memory will return more. (Do your cigarettes make your lips and hands go numb?) The whole time I was writing my last blog I was experiencing lead and mold poisoning. Oh and did I mention my cult/family is full of serial killers. Oh dear this will be a wild ride for us all!

Let me leave you with a logic problem for the road:

Women who follow social norms(marriage & children) accept learned helplessness that is taught to them by society, which leads to dark empathy. Then the whole cluster b spectrum is the result.

Also, learned helplessness limits emotional intelligence.

Xoxo

NiZi