Here I sit at the Jeep dealership in Eugene. Everyone around me is poisoning me and I feel super nauseous. The customers are related to my uncle Jeff Whiddon, but they are from the north. I am finally getting my new fuel pump installed and getting my oil changed. I have been putting this off since March. It’s overdue, but I dont know if it was worth the wait. I tried to wait for the revolution to reach all the people, but I couldn’t wait any longer.
It rained last night and the Jeep leaks pretty bad in the rain. Which makes it stink because it grows all the bacteria they poison us with. We have to get out of the rain. We have to get out of Eugene/Springfield. We need to go to Bend. The weather is nicer there. Plus, the air is cleaner. I need new tires and brakes. But I can get those in the bend area. I need to vote or at least get my ballot before I leave. Haywood is so sick from the poisons he can barely walk and hadn’t eaten in days. Yesterday I literally shoved some food down his throat. They are putting so much poison in everything it’s killing him. There is no reason to stay in Eugene. The people here are extra culty and try to kill me a lot everyday. There is no comfort or security here. I prefer the desert. It helps with my ph balance and I loose 5 pounds without trying after a couple days there. Because there is less poison and co2 in the air. Loosing weight is all about breathing out carbon. And there is more co2 in the air along I5 especially in Eugene/Springfield. It’s a toxic waste dump. There is no added security to staying in Eugene/Springfield. I think it is best to leave as soon as possible. I will miss dairy mart milk. But there is eckhardt milk in Redmond and bend. There will be no more coffee there. But there should be fewer fleas too.
I have to go tonight. There is no reason to stay here. Haywood will dir if I stay here. They poisoning the water. He’s tiny again because he lost so much weight.
Tomorrow is the beginning of Scorpio season. Death and rebirth, new beginnings, new chapters, new lives. These people make me super nauseous.
I dream of the day I get to leave Eugene and never come back unless I want to. And honestly I dont know why I would want to. I dream of going back home to Las Vegas. And then if I get bored there, I dream of living on a huge solar powered ship and going all over the world to fix the ocean and meet people and share my gut bacteria. I can farm my gut bacteria on a solar powered and wind turbine powered ship. I can dump limestone into the ocean and see the best methods to balancing the calcium levels in the ocean for optimal health for all of us. Plus, I can add probiotic bacteria to the ocean. Which will vlcolonuze the world. The Gulf of Mexico seems to be a great place to start. That part of the world has been destroyed greatly. And that would help the united states a lot and mexico.
I dont know if I will want to live on a ship. But that seems to be the most logical way to get my gut bacteria to the dairy farmers worldwide. I can do the edges and farmers from inland can visit the farms on the edges to get their cows inoculated with my bacteria. I do like to be on the move. But I also am a home body. So a ship with my home that moves around the world seems like the best of both worlds. Plus, my family’s cult Playbook says yo stay in motion. A target constantly in motion is harder to hit.
I dream of a normal ordinary life. But I know my life will never be normal or ordinary. But I would like the opportunity to pretend it is. I dont dream of world domination like my family. I dream of normal and ordinary. World domination is too much work and responsibility. I have no desire to have a world army filled with idiots. I would rather have a world of people who are self sufficient and goal oriented. I suppose I never dreamed of having a world. Let alone a world of people. I have always just wanted to be left alone to work on my projects, interests, and goals.
It’s sad that my goal in life is just to be left alone enough to just live. I dont want anything really out of life other than to be left alone to just live my life. My brain means I can solve most of the worlds problems. But I dont want to. The world has only caused me problems. I dont want to help them. I do want to fix the ocean and the soil and the air quality. Which will in turn improve the epigenetics of humans and make them more human on a gene and cellular level. Which will make it easier for them to solve their own problems. I think that is more than enough. People will never learn if I clean up their mess for them. They will just destroy everything again. Because they dont understand how hard it is to figure the stuff out that I do. I have been working on solving and figuring everything out my whole life. Whilst they have been destroying the world. I was not put here on earth to be their slave or my family’s slave. I was not put on earth to be everybody’s bitch. No matter how much they believe this to be true.
I haven’t journalled like this in a long time. It helps to reduce anxiety and see what really matters. There is so much noise in the world. It helps to find what really matters. And honestly I’m not sure what really matters for me right now. After 1300 days of the signing up to kill me group by group by group. I really don’t like them. I didn’t like them much to begin with. It’s illogical to like people who try to kill you. If I wanted to like people who tried to lil me, I would like my family.
You know I try my hardest everyday to overcome the destruction and survive. But mostly it’s just because I don’t want to live in pain. Everyone trys to kill me. But they want me to die a slow painful death. I wish they killed me swiftly and got this all over with. There is not really much of anything in this revolution for me. I’m literally fighting a war just to be left alone. But they will never leave me alone, even if they do stop trying to kill me. This is a no win situation for me. Funny my life has been a war, but there is no winning for me. Just survival. The whole world owes me an apology. But nothing can make up for hoxssw they have treated me and what they have done. It’s a weird place to be. To know there is no winning for me is hard to deal with. There is no happy ending possible. The best I can hope for is a more pleasant and comfortable life. But I will always be a prisoner to my birthrights and this stupid imaginary game. I am never going to be able to be close to humans. Which is a big relief, but it is also kind of sad.
After Haywood dies I want to put my heart back away in body. No more living beings to care for. I love love and I love Haywood. But it is just not conducive with the way the world is or what I represent in this stupid imaginary game. Love is just a weapon used to destroy and hurt and kill me. I’m really good at it and that means it is the biggest weapon my family has used against me my whole life. Which makes it a maladaptive coping mechanism for me. I intend for it to be a positive outlet and experience. But instead it complicates my life too much and hurts me. Caring for plants and the ocean after Haywood is gone will have to work. Because that is all I have the bandwidth to do. In the world as it is, the things you care about are the things used to destroy and kill you. It has taken my whole life to learn how not to care about hardly anything. Yes, I mind about everything. But I don’t care.
I hadn’t journalled in awhile. It feels better to do so. But because of the chip in my head I don’t do this much because it is like explaining my inner world to the world trying to kill me. It’s counterproductive to say the least. But it helps sometimes to calm me down when I am sitting in a car dealership waiting area with people swarming around me poisoning me and as I am paying for these people to break my car. I try to avoid paying for destruction but no matter how much I try I still end up doing it every day.
Love Always
Nicole D Graves