Have you ever had enough? Like really had enough of anything? My life I have been kept from having much of anything. And I have never had enough of much.
My face is swollen because they are poisoning me so much my kidneys are failing. Have you ever had your organs fail before? It happens to me all the time. It is pretty normal actually. My liver is failing to remove all the toxins from my body and I have estrogen dominance because your body prioritizes toxins before it processes hormones and removes them from your body. This is why there are so many men who think they are women. Or part of the reason. They have been poisoned so much that they have too much estrogen circulating in their bodies. Estrogen makes addiction worse. The Eugene Mission website says women are more prone to addiction. Which may kind of be true, but it is just because women naturally produce more estrogen than men. And estrogen feeds addiction. If our livers could keep up with all the toxins, this would not be an issue.
So, have you ever had enough of something? My organs have been failing my whole life. The world has been hunting me as long as I can remember. Well, actually it started in 6th grade when the other kids at school started poisoning me. And you know what. I still don’t want to hurt people. Yes, I do very much wish to get away from people. And for them to leave me alone. And I will continue to do what I have to do in hopes that people will one day soon leave me alone. But there are no guarantees in life.
My family has been harassing me a lot the past couple days using the chip in my head. They do everything they can to try to steal my peace. And you know what keeps me sane? Knowing that I have enough love. Love is a gift once given that can never be taken back or away. Love is not conditional. I was never supposed to know love. And I have never known human love. But I had my two kids, my dogs. I have never met souls who made me happier than my kids. And I have never experienced loss like the loss of my kids dying. But I am so grateful they are dead.
When you have enough you don’t need more. I have enough love to last me a lifetime. I do not believe that humans are capable of love in the subhuman state they are currently in on a gene and cellular level. People who destroy and poison others everyday are not capable of real love, only destruction. When you view attempted murder as a normal daily task, you are not capable of love. And maybe you all want to argue with me about this. Maybe you want to say I am an idealist. Sure, I am an idealist in some ways. But I am also very into science. Love is not something people who are mentally ill are capable of. Cluster b personality disorders are based on the desire to hurt people. When you have the desire to hurt people or get even, you are incapable of love. Because people are always going to hurt you at some point and you will seek revenge and to get even. That is not love that is a ticking time bomb. That is what it is like to be a loose cannon.
I have enough love to last me a lifetime. And it is amazing because I did not understand how big of a gift it was to be loved. Believe me I valued my kids and I knew they were special beyond words. But I never thought I would have enough of anything, especially love. That saying my cup runneth over is the only way I can describe it.
Last night and today, I was thinking that everything that I was told was supposed to make me happy never really has. I was supposed to like expensive clothes and purses. I like clothes that fit and I like having a bag to carry stuff in. But those things never made me as happy as people told me they were supposed to. I was told I was supposed to find a partner in life. But all I found were boys who tried to be like my Dad who tried to breed me like a farm animal and kill me. That definitely did not make me happy. And living in big houses did not make me happy. I do like to have space that is not cluttered and I like to be left alone. But living on the golf course did not make me happy. I really like the lifestyle of living in apartments. There is so much less work and maintenance. I liked having houses in Las Vegas because I had dogs and they needed outdoor space.
My whole life I have been told all these things that I am supposed to desire and these things are supposed to make me happy. But they never did. And I used to wonder why these things did not make me happy. They did not fill my cup. I did not fill fulfilled from them. I thought I must have been doing something wrong. But as I got older and I got away from people who were trying to destroy and kill me I found real happiness in all the weird things I do. Like my science experiments, reading, researching, logic equations, doing absolutely nothing and spacing off, etc. I like to do things that I was told are worthless. But those are the things that bring me true joy and happiness. Nothing I was told I should want actually brings me happiness. Those things do not fill my cup so to speak.
I am not free. I have never been free. I have gotten away from my family, but I have never been able to escape the world of people willing to do my family’s bidding and destroy me. But I know I am loved. I have enough love for a lifetime. My cup runneth over. And I know what makes me happy. And dear lord none of those things are things I was told would make me happy.
Do I want to be free? Of course. Do I want people to stop hunting me? Yes. Do I have to be upset about it all the time while it happens? Absolutely not! If I was to be upset all the time about how my family and the world destroys me, I would have missed out on the love I needed to endure this journey. I would have missed out on knowing all the things in life that do make me happy. If I continued to get upset about the world ignorantly destroying me, I would have missed out on getting to know myself and the reality of the world. I would have never been able to learn enough to be genius and/or the words to describe the destruction of my family’s cult. I would have missed out on everything.
Am I upset about the way people hunt me and destroy me? Of course. It is beyond horrible. My organs are failing. And I have never met a person who is genuinely kind or polite. I have never met someone who is not mentally ill. I have never met someone not addicted to destruction and poisoning people, God and everyone. Am I upset about it all? Yes. But I choose not to let that upset rule my life or steal everything from me.
I go to check into the Navigation Center off River Ave tomorrow. I got into a homeless shelter. Am I excited about it? NO. But it is what I need to do. Will they destroy me there? YES! But this is what I have to do.
I hope one day my life is not like this. I hope we reach all the people soon. And I hope I get to be left alone and live a normal ordinary life.
But today is not that day. And I do not have to let that steal my joy or happiness. I will always have books and my babies. I will always have enough love to carry with me for a lifetime. This revolution has taught me I am rich in ways I never imagined. I have things that most people will never obtain. And they are not things money can buy. I have the priceless things that people do not think about going after. Because they take time and dedication and work. Instead people search for the things in life with dollar signs and price tags. I used to think those things were how to measure success. But those things did not make me happy. I could never make enough money to buy my freedom or to buy my way out of my family.
Gratitude changes your brain you know right? It is a program that actually creates intelligence. I could explain it all, but it is wordy. And when I first started trying to be grateful for things it didn’t feel this good. But now it is something that I can do and get my brain to produce all kinds of neurotransmitters. Which gets me high on life and able to create more intelligence in my brain even quicker. It increases plasticity. You should try it. But try it on the things in life that do not have price tags. On the things that no one can take from you. Those are the truly priceless things in life.
I am an expert at people taking things from me. Believe me when I say that having a list of the things people cannot take from you really helps. Because people will try to take anything they can get their hands on. Not only are they junkies for destruction, but they are thieves. If you let them they will steal your heart and soul. Don’t let them.