“Buddha did not dispute the relative reality of the conventionally appearing self. But he did insist that we tend to give this relational self an absolute status that it does not possess. We think that it is more real than it is, and we expend an extraordinary amount of energy propping it up and protecting it, reinforcing the certainty of our own separateness. Both psychotherapy and Buddhist meditation have the potential to undo this tendency, relieving us of our defensive loads.”
This book has a lot of fancy words that are confusing. But really Einstein kind of sums it up better with, “Reality is relative.”
Then add in Dr. Joe Dispenza’s definition of personality as, “your personal reality.”
And then add in Frued’s definition of ego, “The ego is the part of your personality that helps you make practical, rational decisions.”
When I talk about how I do logic equations, this is what I am doing. I am condensing and adding things together, often by different people. This is a logic equation. And this intelligence. Knowledge is when you repeat back something you learned or were told. Intelligence is where to you make the unknown know, and “get it”. You can know a lot of things without ever really “getting it”. When someone trys to make things confusing and uses big fancy words when they are unnecessary, it normally means they do not “get it”. At least that is my experience, I am fully open to being wrong. But Einstein said something about true intelligence means being able to simplify what you know. I like simple words and explanations. How about you all? Why overcomplicate things, right?
So basically Psychotherapy and Buddhism are about learning how to live with yourself in the world as it is. It is hard to live in the world as it is. It is also hard to know who you are. And it is really hard to be who you are and live in the world the way it is. I would say nearly impossible. Because if it was easy or possible more people would do it. And I have never met anyone who was themselves fully. I am pretty sure that is impossible. Even I have an ego. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be very good at keeping myself alive or sharing my ideas. Ego is not all bad. We have it because it is useful and necessary for life.
Let me over simplify the whole concept of this book. You are a being born into a system. That system you are born into expects things from you based on social constructs. Religion, race, sex, birthrights, gender, class, etc are human constructs. These are not “God” constructs or universe constructs. They are human constructs, which means they are failable. Gravity is an example of a God/Universe construct it never fails. However, human constructs are human. Which means they are failable. The average American is sick, fat, poor, and divorced. This is proof that human constructs are failable. Social norms lead the average American to be sick, fat, poor, and divorced. If you want to obtain success you have to value God/Universe constructs over human constructs. You can never talk your way out of gravity. But you can find a way out of being sick, fat, poor, and/or divorced. Human constructs are choices. They often do not feel like choices. But they are choices.
Per the drawing above, please excuse the mess. But who you are is a ven diagram with two circles. And the circles overlap in the middle. On one side, you have your ego. On the other side, you have the person you were born to be. The God construct that is you. And in the middle you have the person you really are, where they overlap.
One circle is your ego. The person people expect you to be. The things people expect you to do based on human constructs: your birthrights, your religion, your class, your family, your gender, etc. Your ego is a mix of how you accept and reject these expectations placed upon you. No matter who you are there are human constructs that place expectations on you. And these expectations create your ego.
The other circle is the person you were born to be. This is the version of you that is a God construct like gravity. You were born to be someone, but the catch is you have to learn how to be that person within the social constructs and society in which you live. You have to take into account your personal reality(personality) and your society filled with social constructs.
Now in the middle where these two circles overlap. Where your ego and the person you were born to be overlap. This is where you find who you really are. It is a mix of the person you were born to be, that is a God construct, and your ego, human construct. Ego is really just a reaction to your environment. Which is epigenetic. So perhaps, ego is just epigenetic. I like that. It makes sense.
You are not a reaction. Which is what your ego is. You are a human being on Earth within a society. The person you were born to be has to exist within the society you were placed. You cannot fully be the person you were born to be, no matter who you are. Because that persona has to manifest itself within the environment it is placed. If you were placed in Africa you will have to live differently than if you were placed in Oregon. You would still be the same person, but that person would manifest differently. You would still be you no matter if you lived in Africa or Oregon. But you would be different. No ifs, ands, or buts.
So you are the middle of the Ven diagram, right? A mix of the person you were born to be with your ego, which is just the environment. We spend a lifetime trying to figure this out. Yet,
“…central tenet of Buddha’s wisdom is the notion of no-self.”
So you spend a lifetime trying to figure out who that person is, but then you forget it. You literally have to forget it.
“In the words of Huang Po, the ninth-century Chinese Zen teacher, “Why this talk of attaining and not attaining? The matter is thus–by thinking of something you create an entity and by thinking of nothing you create another. Let such erroneous thinking perish utterly, and then nothing will remain for you to go seeking.” (Blofled, 1958, p.86) Egolessness is not a separate state; it is only found in relationship to a belief in concrete existence.”
This sounds confusing and maybe I am interpreting it wrong. But I look at it like this. Everything involves ying and yang. If you just focus on yourself you will be mentally ill and unhappy. You will become a narcissist. They are never happy.
We need to spend less time “reinforcing the certainty of our own separateness.” Remember this part of the very first quote? Humans have an interconnectedness. We are all connected. Yes, we need to figure out who we are and how to operate within the society in which we live. But if you just focus on that you are missing the big picture. You have to loose yourself in the big picture. Micro-Macro kind of thing. Yes, you are important. But you are the micro. The macro is humanity as a whole, the world. Ying and yang, you and humanity, micro and macro.
So yes, you need to find yourself. So you can loose yourself and find peace. Pretty complex and yet pretty simple.
Hard to say how you will know when you have gotten to this point. But I can tell you from experience you will know. And once you get there you will know which direction to keep going in. Because the journey to self discovery never ends. But there is a point where you get peace.
This book talks about how people cause themselves mental problems(for lack of a better word) when they try meditation without having a strong sense of who they are. You need a strong sense of who you are, aka a personality(personal reality) before you give up your sense of self to venture into humanity. You need to be human, before you get to discover humanity.
Cluster b personality people never get to humanity because they never find themselves. You can meditate and do all the right things that everyone tells you to do. But if you do not know who you are. You will go mad. You need to know yourself. Socrates said, “Know Thyself” for a reason.